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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours child

46 replies

Ch33s3pizza · 07/07/2020 13:19

A new neighbour has moved in next door and my DS knows the boy already. I was concerned about them moving in as I really didn’t want to be living in their pockets or permanently having their boy at ours or vice versa.

Anyway turns out it’s the complete opposite. This boy obviously has some issues. Maybe Aspergers or Autism? Very socially awkward etc but my boy really enjoys his company. However when he try’s to talk to him, he gets completely blanked. The other boy just does not interact with anyone. My boy is now getting upset as he doesn’t understand why they don’t play together or gets ignored etc.

We have another friend who’s son has severe autism but as it’s common knowledge I can talk to my son about it and explain

He has played at my house in the past and he was much better when he was without his parents. Less awkward but now they are next door his parents are always there (obviously!)

AIBU as I am now getting a bit annoyed as my sons upset and I can’t really explain why he’s getting ignored as it’s not common knowledge that there is a problem. I don’t even know if he has a diagnosed problem but there is definitely something not right?

What should I do?

They are 7/8 year olds

OP posts:
Starlet7992 · 07/07/2020 14:11

Not really anything you can do..

If the child does have autism, Aspergers he obviously has difficulty communicating. It’s a wide spectrum. You can not compare your friend with autism to the new child next door.

My son has autism. When he was younger he would blank people but as he’s got older he’s become very sociable so it’s not so obvious.

My daughter has a communication issue too. She understands everything but has an expressive speech disorder. Although she can’t talk like her peers she seems to play with them well!!

Also, children with autism someone struggle process what someone is saying. Often they need things in simpler, shorter terms and take longer to think of a response - if they are able to respond.

Just remind your son the little boy may not always respond but it doesn’t mean he cannot understand.

Enchantmentz · 07/07/2020 14:13

You just need to explain it to your son, if you don't know for sure that the dc has autism then I wouldn't say that to him as you could be wrong. There doesn't need to be a set reason for him to be ignoring your ds.

Basically it is an opportunity to teach your ds some resilience and understand that people don't always want to be sociable even if they like you.

Rabblemum · 07/07/2020 14:13

What a great “teachable moment”. Talk to your son about how we’re all different and that’s wonderful. Introduce your son to the idea people have different brains so have different needs and wants, you’ll make an accepting and understanding adult.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 07/07/2020 14:16

If he does have autism it may be that he just doesn't know how to respond or act in the very informal situation of 'passing by'. He may well find it easier in a more structured situation eg at clubs or a playdate, because the rules and expectations are clearer.

LillianBland · 07/07/2020 14:17

I know it sounds strange, OP, but it’s possible that the child is already overwhelmed by the house move and needs to process his environment more. Maybe he doesn’t recognise your son, in a different environment, (I have difficulty recognising people, even if I know them, if I meet them out of their usual environment. It’s called prosopagnosia) or can’t deal with him, until he feels more settled and secure.

I’m just wondering if they’ve told him he can’t play with other children because of lockdown and he is taking this very literally.

NameHangec8171ns · 07/07/2020 14:18

If they've known each other as long as your saying surely youd be aware of any issues the boy had?

They’ve known each other for a few years. Have gone to lots of local clubs - football, beavers etc together and have seemed to have gotten along. They’ve been to each other’s parties and at pick ups of clubs they’ve always been together

I'm not saying this is what has happened, just going off my experience. We had a little girl who lived next to us who was horrible to my DD, would hit her kick her, dominate games, make my DD cry ( we lived in temporary housing with a joint garden )

She was lovely infront of the adults, soon as there was no adults about she was horrible. Me and DD both ended up ignoring her when we were in the garden, point blank ignoring her.

She would go in crying that she had no one to play with but what she actually meant was she had no one to bully. Maybe the boys decided he doesn't like playing with your DS anymore?

( before anyone asks yes I spoke to her mum who was "kids will be kids", her DD was 7 and my DD was 4 so there's a big age gap there! )

ChaosRising · 07/07/2020 14:22

I find it just a little bit funny that you were worrying about this boy bothering you and your DS too much and actually it's you who are potentially bothering HIM Grin.

Seriously, though, I do understand your concerns. The problem is that the key to being good neighbours is different from that for being good friends. It's good to be 'friendly', but since you can't escape each other and you're all meant to be at home in your 'safe zones' where you can be alone and recharge, you need to set some boundaries. In particular, you need to set the level of interactions at that which the more unsociable neighbour (here, the other boy) finds comfortable. Otherwise, you are invading his 'safe' home zone. I was an introverted child and, although I loved seeing my friends, I would have hated any of them to have lived right next door. In your position, I would maybe speak to the parents and ask if their son would like a playdate every now and again, but otherwise encourage your son to give the other boy space and just say a breezy 'hello' if they bump into each other.

whyayepetal · 07/07/2020 14:24

Have you had a chance to talk to his parents OP? Just so that they know he is welcome to visit your DS, and in case their DS is feeling that he mustn’t “pester”. That might sort it.

He has played at my house in the past and he was much better when he was without his parents. Less awkward but now they are next door his parents are always there (obviously!)

This concerned me a bit though.

Yellowbutterfly1 · 07/07/2020 14:26

Why do you think he has Autism? He could have hearing problems, or any number of things or just be plain rude.

I do hate they way some people try and label anything and everything as Autism.

FortunesFave · 07/07/2020 14:28

We had the opposite. We moved into our current house and there was a boy about 4 houses along who went to school with my DD.

They had played together sometimes at school but not great mates...both 7 at the time.

Anyway...this boy's Mother took to going for a walk to the local park past our house with her son and EVERY time they did, they'd knock on our door for DD to join them.

The invitation was always for either DD alone or me too...whichever suited us.

It would have been nice but DD had no inclination to play with the boy at all.

She just didn't want to.

So I kept having to awkwardly say "Oh thank you but not today" and they never got the bloody hint!

They must have come 20 times before they finally got the message.

Short of saying "DD has no intention of playing with your son" I didn't know how to handle it at all.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 07/07/2020 14:29

Are you serious? You were unhappy at the thought of this boy liking your dc so much that it would become a nuisance to you. And now your annoyed that due to his disability he is unwilling to socialise with your dc, who is in fact pestering him? Leave this poor child and his family alone. I only see one rude person here, and it’s not the little boy

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 07/07/2020 14:32

Maybe explain it to your boy as shyness. And try starting a conversation with the boys parents and drop a comment about him being shy. Then you might get some answers

ChaosRising · 07/07/2020 14:35

@FortunesFave. I think people forget that children need privacy and alone time too. They're meant to always be up for playing with any other child, whereas actually as adults we are very picky about who we spent time with (and how much time).

NameChange84 · 07/07/2020 14:39

Autism/Aspergers is irrelevant really.

I wish someone had told me growing up that;

Not everyone has to be your friend. No one owes or is owed friendship, it has to grow out of something else. Just be kind as you can, aim to “get on” with most people, accept when they don’t wish to have a friendship, accept you won’t want a friendship with everyone.

Just explain to your son that he is ok, the other boy is ok but that not every encounter necessarily leads to a friendship...and that is ok too.

Delbelleber · 07/07/2020 14:40

Yabu.
The boy doesn't have to play with anyone if he doesn't want to. Whether he has a disability or not!

Crankley · 07/07/2020 14:40

This sounds like a perfect opportunity to teach your son that we don't always get what we want in life and his wants don't supersede the wants of others.

Coyoacan · 07/07/2020 14:42

I don't really understand why you think a child that doesn't want to play with your son might have autism?

I hate to say it, but when I was young my mother forbade me to play with one of my friends. I did what I was told. Maybe his parents, like you, hated the idea of him having a close friend next door, and forbade the friendship.

ArnoldBee · 07/07/2020 14:46

My son will be 8 next week and from year 1 he has always recognised the kids that have sen in his own way even though its not something that has been pointed out to him. He also respects the schools mantra that you don't have to play with everyone all the time if you don't want to as long as you're not being unkind about it.
Yes your son may be confused but you need to manage this.

Brieminewine · 07/07/2020 14:54

Whether he has issues or not doesn’t really matter, if he doesn’t want to talk or play he doesn’t have to.

Just keep it casual with your boy, ‘oh X doesn’t want to play, shall we ask Y if he wants to come over’ etc

BankofNook · 07/07/2020 15:06

It's a harsh lesson to teach your DS but a valuable one - not everyone he meets is going to like him or will want to spend time with him. That's life, unfortunately, and whether this other child is autistic or not is irrelevant in that context.

You should explain to your DS that the other boy doesn't want to play and help him direct his attention elsewhere such as arranging playdates with other friends.

If they've known each other as long as your saying surely youd be aware of any issues the boy had?

Why would she? It's a medical diagnosis so many people only share it with those who need to know.

Heartthecake · 07/07/2020 15:15

Hi. There's no point trying to take the friendship further. Just keep your son busy with whatever you enjoy doing. Say perhaps he's quite shy and tell your son to let the boy come to him when he's ready.

There's no point being upset. Some of my friends kids don't get on with mine. It's sadly life. X

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