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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners daughter is misbehaving and it's exhausting

41 replies

curlyhairdiva · 07/07/2020 10:52

Hi all, so my partner and I have been together for four years now and he has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I get on really well with his daughter, I have grown fond of her and I know she likes me too. However, I am finding that lately she is misbehaving quite a lot and my partner seems to be overlooking it. She does 'naughty' things which she thinks are funny like smearing food on people (usually me because she can get away with it more) and throwing things around. It's beginning to get quite exhausting and although I tell her nicely to stop when she does these things, she usually laughs and finds it amusing. I have spoken to my partner about this but he became quite defensive and acted as though this was an attack, which I really didn't intend for it to be. I feel like he isn't firm enough with her and lets her push boundaries, whilst also treating her much younger than she actually is. It's beginning to exhaust me when she comes over and I really don't want it to be that way, as like I said, I do care very much about her. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
therealkittyfane · 07/07/2020 10:55

YANBU.
Your partner can’t see what she is doing?
He needs to open his eyes.

therealkittyfane · 07/07/2020 10:57

She’s doing more than pushing boundaries- she’s targeting you and is learning (from her Dad’s lack of response) that she can treat you like dirt and get away with it.
This is not normal behaviour from a happy child.

DrPatient · 07/07/2020 10:58

If I were you, I would firm up a tad. You don't necessarily have the authority to dole out punishment but you absolutely have the authority to say, very firmly, "do not wipe food on me" - any human has the right to say that to any other human with the capacity to understand. You also have the authority to stand up and walk away from her if she continues to do it - move to the other end of the table, move to the kitchen. She'll learn pretty quickly that you're not giving her a positive reaction and she's losing your kindness. If she's throwing something of yours then you absolutely have the right to say "do not throw my things", or "do not throw things in my house" - very firmly. And you can remove the item if needed. Again, just walk away. She's attention seeking and she'll stop if you don't give her attention.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 07/07/2020 10:58

Make arrangements for yourself when she is due.. Be absent for a few visits. Let him parent her.
If she smears food call her out on it and leave the room.
Let him do absolutely everything for her when she is there.

Foxinsocks1 · 07/07/2020 10:59

I wouldn’t be letting any child that age smearing food on me getting away with a nice telling to stop. You need to address it yourself and your partner should support you.
Also how long has her behaviour been deteriorating? Could it be due to Covid stuff?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/07/2020 11:03

I have spoken to my partner about this but he became quite defensive and acted as though this was an attack, which I really didn't intend for it to be Well you should have. His child is pushing boundaries, physically attacking you. That it is disguised as a fun food fight is immaterial.

If talking to him hasn't helped then yes, maybe abset yourself. Leave him to parent her, see how she acts then.

But mainly I would be telling him that he is being ridicuous and needs to step up as both parent and partner! Not sure I could stay if he can't do that!

Original poster
curlyhairdiva · 07/07/2020 11:14

Thanks all for your comments, I will take them on board. To clarify, the behaviours are fairly recent but they seem to be getting worse. I think it should have been nipped in the bud sooner but I'm hoping that by being a bit firmer, she will start to respect me as an adult and not just see me as a friend, which is one thing that concerns me. Obviously, it's mainly my partners responsibility to call her out on these behaviours, so I will have another word with him and explain my feelings.

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 07/07/2020 11:17

Another thing you could do is praise her when she behaves really well, and have a little chat with her in a relaxed situation (not when she has just behaved badly) about why she does it and whether/why she thinks it is a good idea.

CalmdownJanet · 07/07/2020 11:20

Why are you telling her nicely? She smears food in your face and you are asking her nicely to stop? Fuck nice, stand up for yourself since her useless father and your shitty partner won't do it then you have to. She is 11, she knows it's wrong, the reason she finds it funny is because she knows she won't get in trouble and you'll only ask nicely, so stop being nice.

KarmaKamel · 07/07/2020 11:20

Disney Dad by sounds of it.
At 11 they do start pushing boundaries.
He needs to be an actual father and parent her.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/07/2020 12:01

A bit more firm should be something like

Stand up
Say loudly and firmly "Stop doing that!"
Telling her to clean up the mess she will have made
Telling her to leave the room if she refuses and making her dad clean up the mess!

She doesn't get to behave and not have any consequences and, as any adult is, you are perfectly well able to discipline her, firmly, for misbehaviour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2020 13:04

Your partner is a total tool.

He is abdicating all parental responsibility to you - presumably that is 'women's work'. He doesn't notice what she does, doesn't even notice that she's getting older - because it's beneath him. That's her mum's job, and when she's in his house, that's YOUR job. Totally sexist tool.

I'd be wondering if her being 'naughty' is her trying to get some bloody attention from her dad. And tough if he sees you pointing out his crap non-parenting as an attack - he needs to step up to the plate of parenthood. I'd be absolutely ripping this lazy fucker a new one, and refusing to let him offload parenting his daughter onto me.

There may also be the start of puberty to consider.

But things like the smearing of food - that's a hard no. Stop telling her nicely to stop and start telling her sharply. And sending her to her room.

LouiseTrees · 07/07/2020 13:13

If she smears food on you, you should say to your DP I’m supposed to be chill about this so I guess you will be too and then laugh and smear food on him. Awaiting people flaming me ....

Emeraldshamrock · 07/07/2020 13:13

Yanbu smear food back. Joking
Your relationship will have changed as she is 11 this isn't excusing her behaviour.
I've always been super close to DD now she is nearly 12 she is moody hormonal and doesn't like me most of the time.
I remember acting similar.
There are windows when she still enjoys a cuddle it is a hard time for them they test your boundaries.
You need to set firmer boundaries ask her what she's playing at with the food.

gamerchick · 07/07/2020 13:17

Well you can either get tough with her. If an 11 yr old smeared food on me I wouldn't be nice to them Hmm or avoid her visits so he's on his own, which might be what she wants. A bit of dad daughter time. Or dump the spineless fucker and telling him why.

Leave it and she'll get worse.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/07/2020 13:27

Have you done it back to her? I know its terrible role modelling, but her dad might care when it affects him. For example when she wipes food on you do it back to her, and absolutely cover her face hair and her clothes. Then leave the mess for her father to clean up. I bet he will put a stop to it after that.

Spikeyball · 07/07/2020 13:28

That's odd naughty behaviour from an 11 year old ( unless there are additional needs you have not mentioned). If not and your partner is just letting it go on then it is time to consider if you want to be with him.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/07/2020 13:41

then laugh and smear food on him. Awaiting people flaming me
I'd smear it on her yes I'd do it to my own DD I'm a firm believer in don't give it if you can't take it.

zingally · 07/07/2020 13:42

An odd thing for an 11 year old to be doing!

You've got a DSD problem AND a Disney Dad problem. If you say there's a problem, he should be bending over backwards to support you.

But that being said, you are perfectly within your rights to discipline her yourself. Send her to her room, remove screen access, no playing out.
If she wants to behave like a toddler, treat her as one. Bed at 7:30, no meeting with friends, no choice in what food she's given, "babies have adults to choose for them".

"Sorry DSD, I couldn't wash those clothes for you, the machine was full of my clothes that you got food all over."

Emeraldshamrock · 07/07/2020 13:43

She is attention seeking whatever her reasons? Anything come to mind? Negative attention is still attention.

Serendipity79 · 07/07/2020 13:56

Dad needs to step up. An 11 year old smearing food all over you? Not acceptable at all. But you run the risk of being portrayed as the evil step mum if you take on the discipline. Its down to him to sort this out, he's the parent.

If he isn't willing to sit her down and talk to her about acceptable behaviour and use appropriate punishment when she misbehaves then you have a DH problem as well as a DSD one.

Azerothi · 07/07/2020 14:03

Do you and your boyfriend live together? If not I wouldn't have her at yours and make him deal with her. If you do live together he needs to step up for her sake as this is highly unusual behaviour for an 11-year-old and will quickly escalate.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/07/2020 14:11

Do it back to her and ask her how having food in her hair / on her face and clothes makes her feel. It’s the only way she’ll learn.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/07/2020 14:43

'Sorry, no I won't be over for Netflix and chill - not worth it really for all the extra washing haha! Just going to stick to a Zoom party with the girls tonight... and the next night... and, oh, probably until you start focusing on your DD, parenting her properly, and giving her the time and consistency she needs so that she can be the lovely girl she is instead of a boundary-free nightmare. See you when Disney Dad leaves the building. And no, it's not my responsibility to 'help'. Byee!'

Losingthechubrub · 07/07/2020 14:48

If she does it again, take away the food and don't give her anything else. Clearly, if she's playing with her food, she's full, right? Do it every time. We're going to have a generation of horrific young adults, judging by the number of Disney Dads who are more interested in being their kids' best mate instead of parenting them. Kids need consistency and boundaries

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