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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners daughter is misbehaving and it's exhausting

41 replies

curlyhairdiva · 07/07/2020 10:52

Hi all, so my partner and I have been together for four years now and he has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I get on really well with his daughter, I have grown fond of her and I know she likes me too. However, I am finding that lately she is misbehaving quite a lot and my partner seems to be overlooking it. She does 'naughty' things which she thinks are funny like smearing food on people (usually me because she can get away with it more) and throwing things around. It's beginning to get quite exhausting and although I tell her nicely to stop when she does these things, she usually laughs and finds it amusing. I have spoken to my partner about this but he became quite defensive and acted as though this was an attack, which I really didn't intend for it to be. I feel like he isn't firm enough with her and lets her push boundaries, whilst also treating her much younger than she actually is. It's beginning to exhaust me when she comes over and I really don't want it to be that way, as like I said, I do care very much about her. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 07/07/2020 14:53

What on earth is wrong with your partner that he is allowing this behaviour to continue?

lunar1 · 07/07/2020 14:53

What on earth is wrong with your partner that he is allowing this behaviour to continue?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/07/2020 15:01

I would honestly leave the room when she's acting up and let her dad deal with her behaviour. It shouldn't be your problem. If you don't live with him, don't go to his house while she's there until he's sorted out her behaviour. And tell him why.

CherrytreeView · 07/07/2020 15:07

@DrPatient

If I were you, I would firm up a tad. You don't necessarily have the authority to dole out punishment but you absolutely have the authority to say, very firmly, "do not wipe food on me" - any human has the right to say that to any other human with the capacity to understand. You also have the authority to stand up and walk away from her if she continues to do it - move to the other end of the table, move to the kitchen. She'll learn pretty quickly that you're not giving her a positive reaction and she's losing your kindness. If she's throwing something of yours then you absolutely have the right to say "do not throw my things", or "do not throw things in my house" - very firmly. And you can remove the item if needed. Again, just walk away. She's attention seeking and she'll stop if you don't give her attention.

This...with bells on! I'm step-mum to two girls (13,11) and although I've never dished out punishment, as a responsible adult in their lives - I'll be the first to tell them if they're misbehaving! It doesn't matter who's child it is, if someone wipes food on your or throws your things you have EVERY right to tell them not to and firmly.

Cherrysoup · 07/07/2020 15:12

Why do you let her get away with smearing food on you? Holy heck, I’d go ballistic at that!

ChaosRising · 07/07/2020 15:14

If she smears food on you and gets away with it, smear it on your DP. After all, you don't want him to miss out on the fun.

Only joking (I think?).

blueglassandfreesias · 07/07/2020 15:18

You’re allowing her to bully you! Where’s your voice? Tell her if she does it again you will switch the wifi off/ take away her tech. If your husband doesn’t back you up then it’s showing a massive la j of respect for you and illuminating how spineless he is.

billy1966 · 07/07/2020 15:29

OP, sounds like you are with a waster who has zero interest in parenting.

I hope you have bullet proof contraception because he really isn't the type of man to have a child with.

Phineyj · 07/07/2020 15:44

I have a (probably) SEN 7 year old who will do this for attention and/or when she's unhappy about something (worried about going up to secondary?) He should have a one to one with her when you're out and see if she's unhappy about something. Meanwhile, you and he need a one to one to agree a joint strategy and if he doesn't stick to whatever he agrees to do, call him out on it.

Phineyj · 07/07/2020 15:46

That was a very unclear sentence. I meant, DSD could be worried about going to secondary.

TheMamaYo · 07/07/2020 15:46

Just no! When she does it, clearly show and tell her that you are annoyed and that you will not tolerate that. Being in a stepmum roll doesn't mean you have to roll over at everything. I'll be furious if someone does that to me. You're a human being, you're allowed to have boundaries. Also, you need to open a whole different communication line with your partner. This is not ok.

LockdownMayhem · 07/07/2020 15:47

To be honest to me it sounds like attention seeking. I have an 11 year old dd who although would never smear food on us seeks attention in other ways and sometimes does things that she knows full well we'll find irritating because she wants some attention. (We give her loads by the way, but lockdown has meant she's not had the interaction with her friends she would usually get, so needs more from us).

At that age, I think you can easily sit her down and have a proper chat about why she does it, which is likely to be far more effective than shouting at her to stop.

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2020 16:33

I have spoken to my partner about this but he became quite defensive and acted as though this was an attack, which I really didn't intend for it to be.

Major red flags here. Parents who get defensive over reasonable complaints like not wanting food smeared on you do not make for a good step parenting relationship, you will end up walking on eggshells and putting up with things you shouldn't have to for the rest of your days with somebody like that. I would have a serious chat with him about his defensiveness and if he stands by it I would be questioning things.

On another note, I'm with the PPs who say you should absolutely not have to shy away from telling her off for doing things like this. It's not about having the authority to set punishments - you may not feel in a position to ground her but you should absolutely feel free to set immediate consequences. If my SS (7) did this I would take the food away and ask him to sit quietly on the sofa for 10 minutes.

Bananalanacake · 07/07/2020 16:55

It's not clear if you live together. If you do could you stay with friends or family while she stays over. Make it clear to dp you are staying elsewhere until she behaves, she is not your responsibility.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 07/07/2020 17:02

I wouldn't do it back. Thats how things escalate. Then where is your argument that it is not acceptable?
I would absolutely be telling her very firmly that her behaviour is unacceptable. And as a result x consequence.

Id also be
Much much firmer with your dp about you will not tolerate this behaviour at all.

MellowBird85 · 07/07/2020 17:03

I have a 10 year old DSD. If she smeared food on me I would be absolutely mortified and ask her what the hell she was playing at. Not that she’d dream of doing anything like that! This isn’t right OP, totally age inappropriate and weird behaviour.

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