To think talking therapy is just not working

[Binny36]

Just had my first talking therapy session (been having these for over 20 years but this is first of new session). Sorry if I don’t sound coherent and make sense but my mind is jumbled up and I feel fed up. The person I was talking to just sounded very pissed off and annoyed. I’ve had some amazing councellors in the past but unfortunately after 12 weeks you have to have a break for 3 months then back in waiting list. I’m fed up of always talking about my childhood and going over every gory detail. They have notes from previous sessions which she admitted she’s read but needs to hear from me! I explained I don’t want to talk about the past but rather work on myself as I am now with issues with boundaries and low self esteem. Can I have some advice please. Should I continue or find an slyer stick (no idea what). It doesn’t work for me. I feel really down now thinking of the past and how unfair life has been, I don’t want to feel like this every bloody week.

slyer stick - autocorrect meant alternative

Maybe try another session with this person, and if they're not listening about your need to focus on the present, then move on to someone/something else. Solution focussed therapy or CBT might both be helpful for you? I agree with you about going over and over the past - beyond a certain point you just end up feeling stuck in that place. I've done solution focussed hypnotherapy and it really did wonders for me, but I do think it is a case of striking lucky with the therapist (I did have to pay).

@4amWitchingHour thank you. I’m glad it worked for you. I hope I feel like that one day

If you want to focus on changing your perception of life and yourself rather than going over the past and how it has led to how you are feeling, cognitive behaviour therapy might be more adapted to your need than psychotherapy.

Have you ever tried cbt in the past?

@dontdisturbmenow yes I tried cbt. It was good whilst in session but after sessions ended I got back to normal.

I don’t understand why this councellor was pushing me to talk about the past when she could read the notes and I told her I don’t want to talk about it

I had therapy with a few different psychotherapists over the years and whilst it helped at the very start to get things off my chest, I came to the conclusion I needed something solution focused, as the PP suggested. I then failed to get CBT through the NHS and was left without a solution. I agree that strategies are probably more useful for you than going over old ground. I felt it dragged me down again to go back to it all and I wanted to move forwards.

If you're only having 12 weeks at a time and then a break and a new person it's not surprising it isn't working! It takes time to build up trust with a therapist and to get into the difficult stuff and having to stop your sessions after such a short time is really counter-intuitive. CBT is a bit of a sticking plaster but it does help some people and can be completed in a much shorter timeframe... alternatively, can you afford to go private for psychotherapy? The other thing is that it can take a while to find the right therapist for you, there are some crap ones out there so if you're just allocated to someone who you don't click with then that won't be helpful either.

@Doyoumind yes I agree I feel it drags me down too. Did u get help in the end? You know u can Do self referral rather than go through your doctor? Doctors are usual slower and you get through quicker. Just google talking therapy in your area to find local ones

From what I understand, CBT requires ongoing input from you. I would try that route again.

@Nowisthemonthofmaying no I can’t afford to go private. Maybe when I go back to work full time I could then. I feel the lady I spoke to today I didn’t click with

IMO it takes 4 - 5 sessions before you get a use out of therapy. Firstly it takes time to build up a picture and gain trust both ways. It's like nothing happens then suddenly a breakthrough.

Confronting our childhood is often part of this process because we learned our behaviours and reactions through family at an early age.

However it doesn't sound as though your therapist is being sensitive enough to approach this the right way. Maybe at the beginning of the next session lay it out with them how they are making you uncomfortable, and why, asking them to approach it more sensitively.

If this doesn't help, find another therapist, it is vital you feel comfortable with them.

Cross post. Where I am they send you to an online resource rather than face to face sessions. Waste of time. It is almost impossible to get referred for proper therapy.

Clinical Psychology, rather than counselling might be helpful. The training is v different and the range of therapies available may be greater too. The psychologist who I saw was able to identify the best core method for me and then draw on other therapeutic techniques as and when appropriate. It was a very different experience to counselling. Don’t get me wrong, I think counselling also has lots of value for the right people at the right time, but if you’ve tried it on and off for a while then it may be worth exploring other options.

Maybe they were rubbish - but just based on what you've written here, perhaps they didn't want to take written notes at face value. Maybe they've seen other counsellors write rubbish notes before, or they wanted to see what you had to say now and how you've been processing it?

@4amWitchingHour

Maybe try another session with this person, and if they're not listening about your need to focus on the present, then move on to someone/something else. Solution focussed therapy or CBT might both be helpful for you? I agree with you about going over and over the past - beyond a certain point you just end up feeling stuck in that place. I've done solution focussed hypnotherapy and it really did wonders for me, but I do think it is a case of striking lucky with the therapist (I did have to pay).

Why on earth would you give this person a second chance?

I'm a therapist in the nhs, our service offers quite a bit but many are very limited. Talking about the past is all well and good and can be important but there has to be a point to it, as in 'what did you learn about self/world/others due to your childhood experiences and in what ways are those beliefs/schemas impacting on life/relationships/etc now?'

Have you set a goal for the sessions yet?

The more I’m thinking the more I’m realising I really don’t feel comfortable with the person I spoke to this morning. I can’t express how I’m feeling (that’s part of the initial problem!). I think I feel like she was really cold and robot like. The previous people I’ve had were warm and kind. I also spoke to them in phone before starting face to face so there’s no difference. He responses were like she was reading a script e.g. “before we begin I need to tell you......” she went on for like 5/7 minutes just reading what felt like a script! If she had said I’ve looked at your notes but I’d like you to tell me specifically what the issues are rather than the way she was probing me to tell her about my childhood!

I also don’t think she realises how much noise she was making on the call it was like huhhh it was like inpatient huffing n puffing!

Sometimes the person you're seei g is just not a good fit...
Not necessarily a bad therapist (although may be!), just not riggt for you.

The best outcome for any psychology therapy is the therapeutic relationship..
This has been found time and time again.

Also, as was said up thread, a psychologist rather than a counselor has different training and more likely a greater number of TYPES of therapy to help you.... Look up Compassion Focused Therapy or Acceptance & commitment therapy.... These are newer (so called third wave) cognitive behaviour therapies... And will most likely feel very different to basic CBT.

A good integrative psychotherapist will also offer a variety of different therapies, so can draw from different approaches to best suit each individual client. The training is twice as long as for counsellors, generally, and unlike psychologists, they are required to have had therapy themselves so that they understand what it’s like to be the client, and also to have resolved their own issues to the extent they don’t interfere with therapy for the client.

That said, much hangs on the relationship, so it’s important to find the right person for you, irrespective of the training.

It’s very difficult if you’re confined to an NHS offering that focusses only on one type of therapy regardless of what’s best for the client, and then fails to offer therapy with one person for longer than 12 weeks.

I've had a lot of talking/CBT therapy over the years, both NHS and private. I found it more frustrating than helpful.

I looked in to EMDR therapy and went for a few sessions not expecting much - but it has been the best therapy I ever did. It got to the root of the problem and helped me manage. I went privately though, and it was expensive at £60 an hour, 4 years ago but I wholly recommend it.

I've had a few courses of treatment and they all start with the script. I'm now having EMDR and I'm finding it very useful for resetting harmful thought patterns. It's very expensive though.

This sounds like the therapist I had OP. I didn’t click with her at all and she just sounded like she was reading from a text book , totally unhelpful. You could ask to change therapists? I’m sure they’d do that . I went private in the end but I know that’s not what you can do. Try changing to another. Good luck , I understand how frustrating it is having to go other things again and again.

Thank you everyone for responses. I’m going to give it a go as I don’t want to be out back on waiting list. This was just an assessment and actual treatment starts in 5-6 weeks. I’ve been looking at EDMR videos on YouTube! Does anyone know if these are worth doing or not really?

@Binny36 I went in for EMDR therapy not expecting much, but as I said above, it was the best type of therapy I've had. I think for me, because we got to the root of the problem I was able to deal with things. The talking therapy was easy for me to control what we discussed. With EMDR, I had these thoughts and memories come up that hadn't any in other therapy. A lot of things that I had subconsciously buried I guess as most of my trauma came from my childhood.

I will say though, that I found EMDR quite harsh in what came up. A lot of things I'd forgotten, and it evoked a lot of feelings. Often felt completely drained by the end of the session. For me though, I highly rate it.