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Original poster

To feel a bit weird about this sexual encounter

57 replies

Jellyoctopus · 06/07/2020 23:26

Okay so first off, I want to say that I struggle with intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking due to my OCD and being in lockdown with so much time to think has not put me in a great place - I am overthinking any little scenario or memory that comes into my head.

So basically, a little while back I had a drunken fumble with a friend- the whole incident was extremely rash and start to finish lasted no more than 2 or 3 minutes. We were both drunk and had hooked up once before, but during this particular fumble, he did something that I wasn't entirely crazy about but I didn't stop him - as I said, it was just a very drunk and rash encounter but I remember at the time feeling like "ugh, just let him finish what he's doing" even though I felt like a little bit grossed out and uncomfortable about the whole thing. He did say after the fact, "I'm not sure if you were enjoying that or not!"

I am by no means blaming him - he is not a mind reader, I just went along with it and we were both under the influence of alcohol but the past few days I cannot stop thinking about it. As I said, I am overthinking everything at the moment so I suppose I am just posting this in the hopes that other people will tell me that it was just a bad drunken mistake and we all make them!

(Sorry, I feel like I've just totally waffled here - my head is a bit scrambled)

OP posts:
IToldYouIWasFreaky · 07/07/2020 10:27

Consent is implied by the fact that you have started off willingly and not said otherwise

No, it absolutely is not. Consent is never implied and should never be assumed.

SoulofanAggron · 07/07/2020 11:05

Consent is implied by the fact that you have started off willingly and not said otherwise.

@SnackSizeRaisin Getting off with someone doesn't give blanket consent for everything. For instance if anyone were to do anything significant with 'the difficult brown' without asking. That is something that has to be mentioned before it's done and/or worked up to very slowly.

Powerlessstepmum · 07/07/2020 11:15

"If I start doing something willingly and then realise I don't like it, it's definitely my responsibility to say something. You can't expect the other person to read your mind, especially if you don't know them well, they are drunk, and they are in the throes of passion!"
This!

SoulofanAggron · 07/07/2020 11:25

If I start doing something willingly

OP didn't start doing what her partner decided to move into doing to her willingly, it was something that was being done to her by him.

You can't expect the other person to read your mind, especially if you don't know them well

He is a supposed friend, so he does know OP, and he did know she wasn't happy with what he was doing, or wasn't sure she was, but decided to carry on until he got his jollies or felt like stopping.

epythymy · 07/07/2020 12:00

"if, as he said, he wasn't sure if you were enjoying it he could've asked you, and/or stopped. But no, it suited him to carry on doing it, even knowing you might not/probably weren't liking it"

But OP said the whole thing only lasted two minutes. Perhaps he did stop. I don't think there's enough detail here to really make a helpful decision. Telling the OP who is already struggling with intrusive thoughts that something terrible has happened to her is unlikely to help.

Was it something quite common that he did that it's reasonable to assume when having a fumble that you might like or something much more niche that he did because he thought he had the opportunity to do it while you were drunk? Did he stop because he was sensing you weren't enjoying it or because he'd finished?

SoulofanAggron · 07/07/2020 12:37

If a new lover went in to 'another place' (sorry to be coy) without telling us they were going to do it or given any kind of clear indication, I don't think it'd be ok with anyone.

Whatever it was, flop or freeze and not saying anything is so common when things happen to women which they don't want. Not having said anything doesn't mean a woman was ok with it. I'dve thought everyone here knows that rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-tools-to-help-you-cope/feelings/fight-or-flight-response/

SoulofanAggron · 07/07/2020 12:40

But OP said the whole thing only lasted two minutes. Perhaps he did stop.

He didn't stop until he'd finished doing what he wanted to do. The duration of it isn't relevant. I was held so I couldn't move and raped. It was for moments/minutes but it was still rape.

3cats · 07/07/2020 12:46

He didn't stop until he'd finished doing what he wanted to do. The duration of it isn't relevant. I was held so I couldn't move and raped. It was for moments/minutes but it was still rape.

The OP is so vague. We really have no idea what happened.

ChipotleBlessing · 07/07/2020 12:50

It’s really not clear from the OP. Did he stop because he’d finished or did he stop because he wasn’t sure she was enjoying it? Big difference.

LunaNorth · 07/07/2020 12:52

“Difficult brown”?

moolaalaa · 07/07/2020 12:56

Nowhere near enough detail to make judgement.

LadyFlumpalot · 07/07/2020 13:03

To be honest there is a big difference between a drunken and crap fingering with consent (can't be bothered to use coy euphemisms) and unexpected and unasked for anal.

The first one I wouldn't enjoy but it wouldn't be a big deal. The second one would be a massive deal and is not acceptable at all.

The OP is vague enough that it could be either.

Horsemad · 07/07/2020 13:13

"another place" 🙄 Just say what you mean FGS @SoulofanAgfron.

Personally I think he should have asked the OP if she was ok with what they were/he was doing.

And OP - if you are NOT happy with a sexual act that's being performed on you, then SAY SO.

Horsemad · 07/07/2020 13:14

@SoulofanAggron, sorry for getting your user name wrong!

LesNanas · 07/07/2020 13:19

To be honest there is a big difference between a drunken and crap fingering with consent (can't be bothered to use coy euphemisms) and unexpected and unasked for anal.

The first one I wouldn't enjoy but it wouldn't be a big deal. The second one would be a massive deal and is not acceptable at all.

I would see them as both the same order of thing -- two kinds of penetration which, in the case of the OP's sexual partner, was something that he said he wasn't sure she was enjoying. She is quite clear that she wasn't.

LadyFlumpalot · 07/07/2020 13:23

LesNanas... that's not quite what I meant. I meant the first one in the sense of foreplay that's a bit rushed and crap but you put up with it because you are happy with and have consented to the overall sexual encounter. I'm sure we've all had the encounter where your partner pokes away down there like they are ringing a doorbell. That's what I meant.

PumpkinP · 07/07/2020 13:28

A drunken fumble doesn’t mean sex though I assumed it meant just messing around touching etc so I think it’s a big leap to assume the op means anal and not enough information really to make a judgment.

Idontlikewednesdays · 07/07/2020 13:30

@SoulofanAggron

PP's are right that the actual details aren't really relevant.

What you are describing (the freeze or flop) is what a lot of women experience during sexual assault, though.

Let’s not make this into a sexual assault. That isn’t what she’s saying. You’ll be suggesting she reports that she’s been raped next!
PumpkinP · 07/07/2020 13:37

You’ll be suggesting she reports that she’s been raped next!

People already have, honestly everything is rape on here , MN seems to want written consent before anyone they are fooling around with touches them. It’s normal when messing around to touch places etc, if you don’t like it say no or move there hand, but if you don’t say anything then it’s rape Hmm

Crunchymum · 07/07/2020 13:40

Sadly you cannot change the past, and FWIW I think he knew exactly what was going on (hence the comment after)

I hope this person is no longer a friend? You cannot rewrite what happened but you can take some positive control now by not being in the vicinity of this person and you could let them know exactly why - if you so want.

gutentag1 · 07/07/2020 13:44

To be honest, he probably thought you'd have stopped him at the time if you didn't like it. You are friends, after all.

I don't agree that you have to be constantly checking whether someone is enjoying sex, an adult should be able to articulate if they don't want something.

Just move on and learn from it.

loobyloo1234 · 07/07/2020 13:48

Some peoples first thought is rape? FFS - where has that even been implied? The OP specifically says 'he did something that I wasn't entirely crazy about but I didn't stop him'

We've all had a drunken fumble surely? I dont know why this is causing you problems OP. Either speak to him about it or move on

Karenista · 07/07/2020 13:50

If he questioned it afterwards then he should have asked during.

notalwaysalondoner · 07/07/2020 14:09

I think it’s both adults’ responsibility - I understand the concept of enthusiastic consent but how many people, especially if it’s someone you’ve messed around with before, really ask before anything happens “Can I do this to you now?” Then two minutes later “can I do this to you now?”. That’s just not how real life sexual encounters work. Hopefully we’re training young people so this becomes more normal, but I do think there is a balance and if someone is enthusiastically enjoying an encounter and then the partner starts doing something additional, either adult should say if they’re not enjoying it or want to stop. I don’t like the idea and don’t think it’s realistic that someone should either (a) ask for consent every 60 seconds/every time they move their hand/mouth/whatever or (b) be automatically guilty if you didn’t enjoy it and didn’t say anything.

So basically, sorry you had a shit time, sorry it wasn’t enjoyable and it’s prayed on your mind, but I don’t think he did anything automatically wrong either because you didn’t give him any reason to know that you were no longer enjoying the encounter.

TJ17 · 07/07/2020 14:12

Why does it seem on mumsnet that if you ever regret a sexual encounter or just decided after it was crap then it's always the males fault and he is a rapist 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

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