To feel a bit weird about this sexual encounter

[Jellyoctopus]

Okay so first off, I want to say that I struggle with intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking due to my OCD and being in lockdown with so much time to think has not put me in a great place - I am overthinking any little scenario or memory that comes into my head.

So basically, a little while back I had a drunken fumble with a friend- the whole incident was extremely rash and start to finish lasted no more than 2 or 3 minutes. We were both drunk and had hooked up once before, but during this particular fumble, he did something that I wasn't entirely crazy about but I didn't stop him - as I said, it was just a very drunk and rash encounter but I remember at the time feeling like "ugh, just let him finish what he's doing" even though I felt like a little bit grossed out and uncomfortable about the whole thing. He did say after the fact, "I'm not sure if you were enjoying that or not!"

I am by no means blaming him - he is not a mind reader, I just went along with it and we were both under the influence of alcohol but the past few days I cannot stop thinking about it. As I said, I am overthinking everything at the moment so I suppose I am just posting this in the hopes that other people will tell me that it was just a bad drunken mistake and we all make them!

(Sorry, I feel like I've just totally waffled here - my head is a bit scrambled)

[Babesinthewud]

@SnackSizeRaisin

If he wasn’t sure you were enjoying it why did he continue? Decent people don’t continue with sexual acts if they aren’t sure their partner is enjoying it.

I don't think this is true at all. There's a big difference between being content to tolerate something because the other person is enjoying it, or even doing something you are not keen on to make them happy, and actively wanting someone to stop doing something.

If I start doing something willingly and then realise I don't like it, it's definitely my responsibility to say something. You can't expect the other person to read your mind, especially if you don't know them well, they are drunk, and they are in the throes of passion!

I agree with this. No means no. Stop means no. Get off means no.

Not everyone shouts yes yes yes throughout sex, so where do you draw the line? If someone hasn’t said yes yes keep going in say 20 seconds, is it to be assumed they want to stop because they are quiet?
Some people are just quiet anyone.

He’s not a mind reader. Not saying anything doesn’t equate to not wanting to in many instances.

[Idontgiveagriffindamn]

@TJ17

Why does it seem on mumsnet that if you ever regret a sexual encounter or just decided after it was crap then it's always the males fault and he is a rapist 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Having 2 boys this does really worry me

[GinDaddyRedux]

@PumpkinP

Why does it seem on mumsnet that if you ever regret a sexual encounter or just decided after it was crap then it's always the males fault and he is a rapist

Yep! It’s worrying tbh.

I hear this, but I have a different view also.

While I understand people saying "do you have to get consent for every little thing every two minutes", I actually do think that in today's better world, men should be thinking about context when they're looking for consent.

OP says they have "hooked up before" - fair enough - but did her male friend have the context of consent he needed from those previous encounters, to then try this thing?

I think we know the answer is he didn't. When I was having casual relations with a regular person, we would talk about things implicit or otherwise. I would know or want to know what that person desired or wanted to do. If it hadn't been talked about or directly suggested, then I wouldn't do it.

I appreciate that if you take this to its logical extent, then a person would need to clearly state everything which is potentially unsexy and non spontaneous.

At the same time however I think "chancing it" with someone you haven't had lots of dialogue with about sex life, is dangerous and potentially wrong. You're just imposing your wants on someone because well, they're drunk and you want to try it.

It's an interesting discussion point as well as to whether some parts of sexual encounters appear to be implicitly consented to in the minds of some men due to their ubiquitousness (oral, intercourse) and whether others are considered "taboo" but some chance it anyway on the basis that "she'll say no if she doesn't want it".

That last sentence is why I've conducted myself without doubt, precisely because I find consent essential, and furthermore hearing what someone else likes is sexy. I would never want to go into a casual encounter going "lf I try this, I might get away with it" - that is why I think some people look towards the rape analogies on here.

[Glitteryone]

Why does it seem on mumsnet that if you ever regret a sexual encounter or just decided after it was crap then it's always the males fault and he is a rapist

^^ I’ve noticed this too. Extremely scary!

[TheseShoesAreMadeForRunning]

It's shit though, that friend is doing something to their friend and picks up that they aren't enjoying it, they don't ask if they are ok, they dont ask if they want to stop, they don't ask if they want to do something else instead, but continue doing whatever it is they've sensed their friend is uncomfortable with.

That's shit in and out of the bedroom. I think the OP wouldn't be feeling weird if the bloke genuinely hadn't realised she wasn't enjoying it. It's learning her friend actually did realise she wasn't into what he was doing but continued anyway.

In our out of the bedroom, I wouldn't continue doing anything to a friend if I had the slightest hint they weren't comfortable. I wouldn't continue and then mention I'd noticed they weren't having fun.

[PumpkinP]

Why does it seem on mumsnet that if you ever regret a sexual encounter or just decided after it was crap then it's always the males fault and he is a rapist

Yep! It’s worrying tbh.

[Whatisthisfuckery]

In my sexual experience with men, which is limited I admit, you have to hit them over the head with the fact that you aren’t comfortable/enjoying a thing. For him to have noticed you weren’t enjoying it suggests it was pretty obvious, so in that case I’d say YABU. Nobody can read minds, obviously, but he was aware of your reactions enough to realise you weren’t digging whatever it was so he should have stopped doing it.

I’d suggest that if you value this man as a friend you avoid situations where you’re drunk and alone with him from now on.

[TJ17]

Why does it seem on mumsnet that if you ever regret a sexual encounter or just decided after it was crap then it's always the males fault and he is a rapist 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[notalwaysalondoner]

I think it’s both adults’ responsibility - I understand the concept of enthusiastic consent but how many people, especially if it’s someone you’ve messed around with before, really ask before anything happens “Can I do this to you now?” Then two minutes later “can I do this to you now?”. That’s just not how real life sexual encounters work. Hopefully we’re training young people so this becomes more normal, but I do think there is a balance and if someone is enthusiastically enjoying an encounter and then the partner starts doing something additional, either adult should say if they’re not enjoying it or want to stop. I don’t like the idea and don’t think it’s realistic that someone should either (a) ask for consent every 60 seconds/every time they move their hand/mouth/whatever or (b) be automatically guilty if you didn’t enjoy it and didn’t say anything.

So basically, sorry you had a shit time, sorry it wasn’t enjoyable and it’s prayed on your mind, but I don’t think he did anything automatically wrong either because you didn’t give him any reason to know that you were no longer enjoying the encounter.

[Karenista]

If he questioned it afterwards then he should have asked during.

[loobyloo1234]

Some peoples first thought is rape? FFS - where has that even been implied? The OP specifically says 'he did something that I wasn't entirely crazy about but I didn't stop him'

We've all had a drunken fumble surely? I dont know why this is causing you problems OP. Either speak to him about it or move on

[gutentag1]

To be honest, he probably thought you'd have stopped him at the time if you didn't like it. You are friends, after all.

I don't agree that you have to be constantly checking whether someone is enjoying sex, an adult should be able to articulate if they don't want something.

Just move on and learn from it.

[Crunchymum]

Sadly you cannot change the past, and FWIW I think he knew exactly what was going on (hence the comment after)

I hope this person is no longer a friend? You cannot rewrite what happened but you can take some positive control now by not being in the vicinity of this person and you could let them know exactly why - if you so want.

[PumpkinP]

You’ll be suggesting she reports that she’s been raped next!

People already have, honestly everything is rape on here , MN seems to want written consent before anyone they are fooling around with touches them. It’s normal when messing around to touch places etc, if you don’t like it say no or move there hand, but if you don’t say anything then it’s rape

[Idontlikewednesdays]

@SoulofanAggron

PP's are right that the actual details aren't really relevant.

What you are describing (the freeze or flop) is what a lot of women experience during sexual assault, though.

Let’s not make this into a sexual assault. That isn’t what she’s saying. You’ll be suggesting she reports that she’s been raped next!

[PumpkinP]

A drunken fumble doesn’t mean sex though I assumed it meant just messing around touching etc so I think it’s a big leap to assume the op means anal and not enough information really to make a judgment.

[LadyFlumpalot]

LesNanas... that's not quite what I meant. I meant the first one in the sense of foreplay that's a bit rushed and crap but you put up with it because you are happy with and have consented to the overall sexual encounter. I'm sure we've all had the encounter where your partner pokes away down there like they are ringing a doorbell. That's what I meant.

[LesNanas]

To be honest there is a big difference between a drunken and crap fingering with consent (can't be bothered to use coy euphemisms) and unexpected and unasked for anal.

The first one I wouldn't enjoy but it wouldn't be a big deal. The second one would be a massive deal and is not acceptable at all.

I would see them as both the same order of thing -- two kinds of penetration which, in the case of the OP's sexual partner, was something that he said he wasn't sure she was enjoying. She is quite clear that she wasn't.

[Horsemad]

@SoulofanAggron, sorry for getting your user name wrong!

[Horsemad]

"another place" 🙄 Just say what you mean FGS @SoulofanAgfron.

Personally I think he should have asked the OP if she was ok with what they were/he was doing.

And OP - if you are NOT happy with a sexual act that's being performed on you, then SAY SO.

[LadyFlumpalot]

To be honest there is a big difference between a drunken and crap fingering with consent (can't be bothered to use coy euphemisms) and unexpected and unasked for anal.

The first one I wouldn't enjoy but it wouldn't be a big deal. The second one would be a massive deal and is not acceptable at all.

The OP is vague enough that it could be either.

[moolaalaa]

Nowhere near enough detail to make judgement.

[LunaNorth]

“Difficult brown”?

[ChipotleBlessing]

It’s really not clear from the OP. Did he stop because he’d finished or did he stop because he wasn’t sure she was enjoying it? Big difference.

[3cats]

He didn't stop until he'd finished doing what he wanted to do. The duration of it isn't relevant. I was held so I couldn't move and raped. It was for moments/minutes but it was still rape.

The OP is so vague. We really have no idea what happened.