What do you want out of life?

ohwhat2do · 2020-07-06T15:42:39+00:00

I'm mid 40s have a perfect life on paper but suffering from depression due to abusive childhood. I'm seeing a therapist but I'm realising I'm unclear what I want to do with my life. I have a good job, a bit stressful but aren't all jobs? Lovely DH and DCs and nice house etc. I don't have any real hobbies though and I'm not particularly ambitious work wise now. Does anyone else feel like this and what have you been doing to address? I am confused!! Thx

Birdsofafeather17 · 06/07/2020 16:50

I think depression can have that effect. Hopefully the therapy will help. Also maybe try different things until you find something you enjoy hobby wise.

Phthalo · 06/07/2020 16:54

Lurking here to see everyone’s answers. This is my constant internal question OP!

parietal · 06/07/2020 16:57

I know I want a good life. But it is hard to know what makes a good life, if you aren't religious.

the humanists have thought about this a lot - it could be worth looking up their books.

I feel that if you do a good job raising your children & if people respect you and you don't destroy anything (people or places), then you have the start of a good life. you don't have to change the world or anything. sometimes the small things are enough.

Boulshired · 06/07/2020 17:02

Unless the change needs to happen like tackling the abuse. I think sometimes we can become too concerned about what needs to be changed when it can be better to see the positives in what we have. It’s that positivity that leaves the space for change to happen and being in the right place to accept and embrace change.

Poptart4 · 06/07/2020 17:10

I could have written this post.

Love my job, kids, partner but I've always felt like something is missing. Like I'm just drifting aimlessly through life.

I've no answers for you op, but will be following this thread with interest.

GabrielleChanel · 06/07/2020 17:17

Yes OP I could have written this post too -
I am usually quite churchy but haven't missed not being able to go during lockdown at all and am grateful for the chance not to be rushing about
Also fed up of spending so much time thinking about my weight/fitness levels or lack thereof as I have been comfort eating a lot.

Ghostlyglow · 06/07/2020 17:24

Nothing really. I spend a lot of time wondering if there's any point to it all.

Birdsofafeather17 · 06/07/2020 17:26

I agree with Boulshired about "I think sometimes we can become too concerned about what needs to be changed when it can be better to see the positives in what we have."

In terms of what you want out of life, I think there is a combination of what do you enjoy? What are you good at? How can you use what natural gifts, skills, education or opportunities you have to help others?

Doordine · 06/07/2020 17:29

I really understand how you feel. When I'm feeling down/ depressed I feel this way. Then some days I can feel good and content, like I don't need anything else and I feel happy and grateful.

I have a good career I'm good at, 2 healthy amazing kid, nice house, good marriage. Then some days I think... Is this it?

Original poster

ohwhat2do · 06/07/2020 18:19

Yes I think you're right that I should focus on the positives but somehow it doesn't seem enough. I sound ungrateful...but maybe it's because I've always had a goal, do exams, go to university, get a job, get married, buy a house, have dc etc and now I don't know what I should do... I don't have any real goals or ideas about what to do. I was working really long hours and got burnt out so don't want to focus on work so much but not sure what to do instead!!

I know it's my depression making me feel worse but I thought if I found something to look forward to / enjoy it would help pull me out of that a bit....

OP posts:

Original poster

ohwhat2do · 06/07/2020 18:19

Yes I think you're right that I should focus on the positives but somehow it doesn't seem enough. I sound ungrateful...but maybe it's because I've always had a goal, do exams, go to university, get a job, get married, buy a house, have dc etc and now I don't know what I should do... I don't have any real goals or ideas about what to do. I was working really long hours and got burnt out so don't want to focus on work so much but not sure what to do instead!!

I know it's my depression making me feel worse but I thought if I found something to look forward to / enjoy it would help pull me out of that a bit....

OP posts:

Original poster

ohwhat2do · 06/07/2020 18:20

Whoops sorry for double post I lost connection

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 06/07/2020 18:31

I think your post will resonate with a lot of people.
I believe it all depends on your frame of mind...and I can identify with being pretty contented with my life to suddenly everything seeming so pointless
I am divorced and not in a relationship, the majority of the time I am quite okay with this and do not want to be beholden to anyone. The next I am wondering what is wrong with me and why men are not hammering down my door.
I had to downsize following divorce and I am lucky now to be mortgage free. However it is not in an area that I really like.
I have changed careers... hurtling towards 60 years and I realise I am lucky to have even found a job. The other side of the coin is that half the time I wonder if it is for me and can I stick it out for the next 10 years.

Doordine · 06/07/2020 18:33

Yes that rings so true. Always working towards the next thing and then suddenly, what is the next thing?

Chilly567 · 06/07/2020 18:40

You've summed up exactly how I feel. I'm 35 and no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I don't want kids either and I think I always thought that was part of the reason I felt like this. It's strangely comforting to know that even if you're a parent you can have these feelings.

Original poster

ohwhat2do · 06/07/2020 20:25

Although I'm sorry others are feeling the same it's kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this! I have been trying to do mindfulness and yoga but not sure it's really helping much but I'll keep trying with the hope it helps in the longer term. I'd love to hear from anyone that's felt like this and then discovered something that's re-inspired them.

Writing this thread has made me realise I probably need to sort out my depression first and then perhaps a change in mindset will help me work out what I want to do....

OP posts:

Teesstar · 06/07/2020 20:41

I am turning 40 this year, I left my awful abusive and drug addict of a husband last year (divorce nearly done!), met a new man very quickly who lives 300 miles away so I get my own life and my time with him for some amazing sex (not in the slightest bit ashamed to mention haha).

I have 4 boys at home (21,18,16 &11) I am sick of being a ‘fixer’ was a nurse but left 6 years ago now work as a social prescriber but want out as soon as I can due to being tired of problem solving people’s lives constantly!
I want to write so am going off to do my masters in creative writing this year!

I know exactly how you feel! I can’t sit around letting life pass me by! I want to live and be true to myself after years of everyone else coming first!

Think about what you love doing, what gets you excited and make sure you do more of it!

Phillymouse · 06/07/2020 20:43

Snap, no advice but with you in spirit x

On paper I look like I've got a fine life. I've done well in exams, went to university, got a decent job (would like to progress), brought a house, a beautiful child, loving husband, dogs, a small group of friends

However

I feel lost, we re in a lot of debt, I've lost interest in having interest in anything, my sense style has gone, I've put on weight ...

Like you and other pp I feel like I'm just drifting through life now

Phillymouse · 06/07/2020 20:43

Snap, no advice but with you in spirit x

On paper I look like I've got a fine life. I've done well in exams, went to university, got a decent job (would like to progress), brought a house, a beautiful child, loving husband, dogs, a small group of friends

However

I feel lost, we re in a lot of debt, I've lost interest in having interest in anything, my sense style has gone, I've put on weight ...

Like you and other pp I feel like I'm just drifting through life now

Oblomov20 · 06/07/2020 20:44

I don't feel like you do. I fear your abuse means you don't have the solid foundations you crave. I hope your counselling helps a lot. I ponder those that feel that something is missing because I don't feel that either.

Maybe it's because I am fortunate to have come from a very loving family, and recognise that I am privileged to have always been quite happy and always had many part time jobs at 14 onwards so had plenty of money to save for my first car, went travelling to all the countries I wanted to visit pre uni. So now I have no goals left. Actually I wanted to visit Auschwitz and went last year, so that was my final thing.

Maybe make a list op? Short term and long term goals. Top 10 things to do? Be that ride the scariest rollercoaster or visit Saint Tropez?

Oblomov20 · 06/07/2020 20:44

I don't feel like you do. I fear your abuse means you don't have the solid foundations you crave. I hope your counselling helps a lot. I ponder those that feel that something is missing because I don't feel that either.

Maybe it's because I am fortunate to have come from a very loving family, and recognise that I am privileged to have always been quite happy and always had many part time jobs at 14 onwards so had plenty of money to save for my first car, went travelling to all the countries I wanted to visit pre uni. So now I have no goals left. Actually I wanted to visit Auschwitz and went last year, so that was my final thing.

Maybe make a list op? Short term and long term goals. Top 10 things to do? Be that ride the scariest rollercoaster or visit Saint Tropez?

bridgetreilly · 06/07/2020 20:46

Make a vision board, OP. I've done The Artist's Way a few times and always found it's helped me in all kinds of ways, but the one exercise that really transformed my life was that one. Get a big A0 sheet of card and spend some time going through magazines, printing things from the internet, or even making your own images. Cut out everything that appeals to you. Then sort and refine. What areas of life do they relate to: home, family, work, health, creativity, etc? And then make a collage that illustrates the life that you want. Some of it may look like your life now, hooray! Some of it may seem like crazy dreaming. Some of it may only need small changes. But all of it should inspire and motivate you.

Genuinely, I did it and within a year almost all of it had happened, even the crazy dreams.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 06/07/2020 20:50

for some amazing sex

I love my life and have (pretty much) everything I need to be happy. But then @Teesstar reminded me of what's missing right now

Skysblue · 06/07/2020 23:16

I would love to have more fun. I love my family and am lucky with my situation at moment but... Just never seem to do anything that is particularly fun. Days are so routine.

I would love to laugh my head off at something.

Abracad · 06/07/2020 23:20

I have always felt that one of my roles in life was to contribute to making the world a better place. Purposeful work + plenty of time with my children + plenty of time with my friends + creative pursuits = joy to me.