To not want to go back to work?!

[MummaW88]

I’m due to return to work in around a month, DD will be 7.5 months. I will be working from home (at least initially due to COVID) but DD will be going to MIL’s and my mums on the days I’m working as my job is too hectic, and it wouldn’t be fair on her as I would be so distracted.

It will be part time, and I know I’m really fortunate to have family providing childcare. But I am totally dreading it to be honest I’m going to miss her so much but I’m more concerned about her missing me! Given the lockdown, she’s used to being at home with me the majority of the time and has become very clingy.

I’m so worried about it. I’ve been taking her to see both grandparents to get her used to seeing them and being at their homes. I’ve even left her briefly with my mum a couple of times; she was ok at first but did cry quite a bit while I was away.

Not going back to work isn’t an option unfortunately, but I wish it was! Is anyone else facing this situation? She will get used to it right? It breaks my heart to think of her crying because she just wants her mummy

Yanbu to not want to, of course, but it sounds like you will have to go back to work, so try not to dwell on the negative feelings you have about it.

Taking your dd round for a practice sounds good, but tbh children are usually absolutely fine being left, either with grandparents or a nursery/ childminder. That adapt really quickly.

It sounds like your Mum and MIlL will look after her well and that you have no concerns on that front, so that’s the main thing!

Extend your maternity?

Thank you @Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches any little bit of reassurance helps right now!

@Waveysnail I wish I could but it would be unpaid and we just can’t afford to do that. I’ve already extended an extra month using annual leave I’d built up.

I’ve done two mat leaves and so two sets of settling babies into nursery/being left with grandparents and it’s hard but I promise your DD will be fine, especially with her grandparents. Also when you actually start working you will be busy and the day will pass quickly. Good luck

From what I gather it's perfectly normal and most people feel like this.
Supposedly you feel better when your back.

I'm due back to work the 29th and I don't want to go back either! Like you I'm going back part time! My husband and my Mam will be looking after my little one. She has been there a couple of times over the past 2 weeks and she has been fine x

From what I gather it's perfectly normal and most people feel like this.
Supposedly you feel better when your back.

I'm due back to work the 29th and I don't want to go back either! Like you I'm going back part time! My husband and my Mam will be looking after my little one. She has been there a couple of times over the past 2 weeks and she has been fine x

I’ve done this three times now with Childminders and nurseries and the first few weeks are hard but then it is fine. Your daughter will learn to love her nanny days.. believe me!
Just prep both nans that they might spend the first few weeks cuddling her and watching baby things!

Thank you @Caterinaballerina I really hope she will be. I know I’ll be busy and time will go quick for me, it’s her I worry about. Think I’m just being overly anxious! Thanks for the reassurance

@Metallicalover I read a few old posts on here before posting this, a lot of people were saying they had no worries at all! Thought maybe I was just being silly. It took me a long time to have her and I do tend to worry about her probably a bit too much sometimes!

I was exactly the same after both sets of maternity leave, but dds were fine and so was I really after a week or so.
You’ll be fine OP. At least you don’t have a commute to factor in.

@Oly4 they have been warned lol my mums had her a few times and DD got upset a bit, mum dealt with it fine. And I’m sure MIL will too. I hope she does love her nanny days, I just don’t ever want her to be sad because she misses me! Or in general.

It's hard going back to work at first -I returned full time when my son was 9 months old. He went to nursery and the first few weeks were tough but you all adapt very quickly.

Your daughter will soon get used to seeing her grandparents and staying with them and at least you know that they will take good care of her.

Like you, I had no choice about returning to work,it was needs must. In some ways, I think that helped because you just have to get on with it rather than have the dilemma of should I/shouldn't I.

Good luck with the return!

@PinkiOcelot I’m so thankful I don’t have a commute etc and as I’m working from home I do have a bit more flexibility around dropping her off etc. I think it’s just with the current state of things, we’ve spent a lot less time out and about/mixing with others so there’s an even bigger attachment between us.

@PumpkinPie2016 thank you I’m so glad she will be with family, I know I’d worry so much more otherwise! I think you’re right, if I did have a choice I’d probably be really torn over what to do! As it is the temptation is there to not go back!

No you aren't being silly at all. Everyone I've spoke to said that it was exactly how they felt and once they got back into the swing of it. It has been fine. That both baby and Mam have adapted.
I've done 3 KIT days which have been 6 hour shifts (I'm going back to work 24 hours = x2 12 hour shifts) and they were fine but I was only doing a half day!
To people saying take longer maternity leave that definitely wouldn't work for me as I've already took 13.5 month off! It took us a while to have her so we were able to save for maternity leave and more.
I think it's more dreading it coming than it actually happening! I've loved my maternity leave and it's gone so quick! 😔 x

It's very overwhelming to start with but you'll soon get back in a routine. You might find you start to enjoy having another part of yourself as well as being mum. Adult conversation, lunch break etc.

I've been a SAHM through ill health and am much happier working part time than being at home all the time.

Good luck--be organised and you'll be fine.

I went back to work full time when dd was 7 months. I remember crying on my way to the bus stop.

She was being cared for by either dp or MIL while I was at work, so in my head I knew that she'd be fine but that didn't make it easier. We hadn't spent any time away from each other: I'd taken her to see PIL loads of times but hadn't left her with them and dp hadn't taken her out on his own.

I secretly hoped that they wouldn't be able to cope so that I'd have to give up work and stay home and look after her.

Of course they coped perfectly fine. Dd was happy and is very close to her grandparents because she spent so much time with them when she was little.

Going back to work is hard but it gets easier. I didn't believe this to start. My daughter is in nursery 2 days a week and it was such a heart wrench. Where I live we have ended lockdown and when she spent the day with my parents she struggled but got back into her routine.

You will both find a new routine and appreciation of your time together. Enjoy the hot cuppa you'll get to drink.

Yanbu, it is normal for babies to be clingy and she will be very upset, of course you are sad. I was supposed to go back to a part time role at end of my mat leave but couldn’t face the trauma, so resigned instead.

If it helps at all - I kinda regret it - he doesn’t need me much now, and the career break has made me unemployable in the field I was in before. So am now completely financially dependent and very bored / stuck with all the housework round the clock and every night waking because I’m the one who ‘doesn’t work’... Perhaps I made the wrong decision and should have just bit the bullet and made him accept childcare at a very young age... I don’t know.

There is no perfect way forward. Tey it and see. Just don’t be aftaid to move her if the childcare setting doesn’t feel right, sometimes it takes a few tries to find a fit it seems.

🤷‍♀️

@Metallicalover my office have all been working from home so I haven’t been able to do any proper KIT days, I’ve done a few hours from home but with the baby here with me. It has gone by so quickly. It took us a while to have DD too but unfortunately we weren’t able to save to enable more time off due to debts and bloody private renting prices. I wish I could stay off with her forever! X

@Bluewavescrashing Thank you I think if I was actually going back into the office in a way it would help, but I will be working from home so won’t even get that face to face interaction with others. Might have made it more bearable.

@1066vegan thank you it’s always reassuring to hear others have coped with it

@Island35 thank you I do feel a little better about it now after everyone’s words of encouragement

@Skysblue other than financial reasons that’s my other reason I kind of need to go back; I do have a good job in a good field. Very secure and lots of opportunities for progression, I know I’d be silly to give it up. Thanks for the advice

I looked after my grandson a lot from the same age, but I'd had him one day a week from very young so you'd think he'd be used to me. When his mum started leaving him all day, every day, he cottoned on that it was something different and as soon as she said goodbye he'd start crying and get upset. (Not telling you this to worry you, just so you expect it!) The minute she left, he stopped, happy as Larry, little sod.
My advice is, drop her off, be bright and breezy and GO. Don't hang about if she gets upset, don't take her back from your mum or mil for another cuddle before you leave, and if poss drop her off, get whoever to distract her with something and leave without her seeing you go. My grandson used to ask where mummy was and I'd reply she'd be back soon, ooh look, here's Bing/a drink/ some lego.

I had to take him to nursery 2 days a week when he was older, and he used to cry for me. Bright and breezy, have a lovely time, but it used to upset me, so I know how you'll feel!
Mind you, one day I'd left my keys at nursery, I'd literally left him sobbing for grandma, got out the door and gone straight back in to get my keys. In the seconds I'd been gone, he had stopped crying and was playing with the trains. They all do it!
You'll be fine and so will she.

Maybe DM or MIL could come to yours at first to look after Baby? Then it would ease you in gently as it were .I think then you could check on babe and work as well .You are going P/T which is good, as a full day may be harder on both you and babe .Good luck!

I had the same problem and worries with my DD. We had no family around so she was with me 100% of the time. She cried whenever anyone else held her, including family when they visited. I booked her into a nursery and went back to work part time.

She cried a lot for the first 3 days or so. We did settling in days when I wasnt working and I had to collect her twice because she was hysterical. But, I had no choice, so she just got used to it. By 2 weeks into it she was still crying when I dropped her off but she would stop before I even left the building because they gave her toast, and I saw lovely photos of all the activities she was doing, and she came on leaps and bounds development wise. It worked out really well.

It's so hard to think of leaving them and whether they will be upset. I cried every day leaving her for weeks. But your DD will be with family and you know they will care for her as they love her. She will be ok, I promise. It will just take a bit of adjustment.

@Supermarketworker06 I was taking her to MIL once a week and leaving her a couple of hours, but then bloody COVID put an end to that! So now she hadn’t seen her from mid March until a week ago even from a distance (her choice, not mine). I’d hoped she’d be very used to it by the time me going back to work rolled around. Thank you for the advice.

@dottiedodah that’s my plan, although I will be going to theirs rather than then coming here as we’re only in a 1 bed flat and DH is also working from home so space is limited! Also I think that way she’ll get used to being at nanny’s house.

@SqidgeBum that’s my worry, that she will get hysterical. I can’t bear to think of her being so sad because she just wants me! I know she’ll be well looked after which is reassuring, I just wish I could stay with her all the time but I know I can’t

It can be easier to say 'I will just stay with her so she doesnt become upset' but I imagine you are similar to a lot of mums where that may not be an option finance wise. Also, babies getting upset is so temporary. They are easily distracted a d adapt pretty quickly. I would ask your mom or MIL to call you if she is really upset for the first few days (maybe send her there for a few days before you start back working so you can collect her, like settling in days) but after the few days ask them not to call you if she is upset, as she just has to get used to it. To be honest, I think you will be surprised how quickly they adapt. She may cry when you leave for quite a while but then be fine 10 mins later. My mom was a childminder while I was growing up and kids always did this.

I think you are doing the best you can for her and you, so try not to feel like this is a bad thing, although I know thats easier said than done. Being with family is great for her, and she will grow to just take it as normal.

@SqidgeBum you’re right she does have to get used to it sooner or later. And it is great that she’ll be being looked after by family. I know she’ll get to love it eventually. I just love her some much, feels awful to be doing something that will upset her but you’re right that babies are usually only upset temporarily. Thank you