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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be scared my MIL could try to take my baby from me?

49 replies

VodkaCranberry2 · 05/07/2020 21:36

I’m a very anxious person and have always had issues with my mental health. I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, and since having my baby 12 weeks ago I have developed maternal OCD, which has been absolute hell. Worse than any bipolar/BPD episode alive.

Despite these issues, I have always been able to hold down a very good job, and am progressing in my career. Despite the awful intrusive thoughts and being terrified I am a monster, I’m coping with motherhood very well, love my baby to bits, and am keeping my psychiatrist updated in case I need him. I’m medicated and awaiting CBT. I also have a weekly therapist and a CPN. I’m trying my best to keep myself stable as best as I can, even though there are times I just want to hide away and cry and not have all of these terrible thoughts.

I like my MIL, but I don’t trust her. She has commented a lot on how great my partner is, and told me I wouldn’t be able to cope without him. Her comment ‘How would you be able to parent without your medication? What if you didn’t have my son? You wouldn’t.’

She has also been very overwhelming about our nighttime routine with our son and telling us what to do as if we are five. We are 25 and 28, live in our own house, both work.

She has also made comments about what good lawyers she has, with no other context.

Her husband is a millionaire so I don’t doubt they would win in anything legal related.

The other evening after that comment I said to my DP I wanted to go home, as we were visiting them. He was so angry with his mum, told her it was not okay, packed up the car and we left. He hasn’t spoken to her in days.

I know she will think I’ve turned him against her, even though he too agrees she isn’t being very nice to me.

I know nothing is going to happen, but godforbid, if me and DP split, am IBU to worry about her trying to take my son away from me? And would she have a leg to stand on?

OP posts:
Original poster
VodkaCranberry2 · 05/07/2020 21:38

Oh and I must add, she knows about my medication because my partner has been doing the early morning feed because I had at the time been put on sedating medication and I struggled to wake without falling asleep so it was easier for him to do it. She asked why I wasn’t doing it and called me lazy, and my partner explained I had just started a new medication.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/07/2020 21:40

Nothing you’ve said about your mental health suggests that your baby isn’t safe with you. Rich lawyers will not get grandparents residence unless the parents can’t cope. I’d cut down your time with her and have some stock phrases ready, eg he’s so wonderful, “yes, we’re both doing well”. Deliberately misunderstand her. If you can’t, ask her why she’s being unsupportive or ask her whether she’s trying to be unhelpful.

Michaelbaubles · 05/07/2020 21:42

It would be wildly unlikely, I’d say impossible, for a MIL to get custody of a child against the wishes of two loving, capable parents. You’re engaging with mental health services and have a partner. If you split, you would share custody with him - she has no legal rights to even see the baby. Try not to worry about that, although I know that’s probably very much easier said than done. You might want to jot down some of these things she says and does with dates - not to be obsessive about it but to show she’s been sowing the seeds of discord from early days.

Original poster
VodkaCranberry2 · 05/07/2020 21:44

We’re very happy together but I just fear what would happen if we did split. Thank you both for the reassurance x

OP posts:
CluelessBaker · 05/07/2020 21:46

She wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, and the brilliance of her lawyers wouldn’t change that. It sounds like you’re a totally responsible and safe parent to your son - even if you and your husband split up, your son wouldn’t be taken away from you.

Your MIL doesn’t sound like a good person, and I don’t blame for not wanting to be around her. But you don’t have anything to fear from her taking your baby away.

GhostCurry · 05/07/2020 21:49

“She asked why I wasn’t doing it and called me lazy, and my partner explained I had just started a new medication.”

I am fairly certain that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. However - your husband needs to stop discussing your medical circumstances with this woman. Did he think that this answer would satisfy her? He only made it worse. The correct reply would have been “please do not call Vodka lazy again; this conversation is over.”

PinkiOcelot · 05/07/2020 21:50

Hi OP. Congratulations on your baby. It’s really good that your partner is onside and told his mother.
From what you have said, it sounds like you’re doing just great. I would try to cut down on spending time with her. She doesn’t sound very nice at all!

buckeejit · 05/07/2020 21:50

Have you made wills about who you would like to get custody of dc if you both die? I asked my bro & sil if they'd take our dc. Perhaps if she knew she wasn't in the running as it were, she might change her ways. Probably not, as she sounds like a bitch. Decide with dh how you'd like to continue your relationship with her & put boundaries on her.

Hope your meds settle & mil catches on to herself

ComfyCosyGood · 05/07/2020 21:51

I get it OP, and it sounds like she won't have a leg to stand on. I hate the not being able to cope comments and I got them too. I have BPD and other issues and have been bossing single parenthood for 11 months now. I'm not just coping but thriving and I'm sure you would too, if it came down to it Thanks

Josette77 · 05/07/2020 21:52

Why does she know all your mental health info? I think your dh needs to stop sharing that unless he is concerned.

Waveysnail · 05/07/2020 21:53

Your dp supports you. He stood up to his mum. Try not to think about her.

Ponoka7 · 05/07/2020 21:53

Family courts don't work like any other court, fancy lawers mean nothing. Your mental health issues wouldn't go against you in any way, it's about the needs of the child and children need to be loved and the Parents show that they can meet their child's needs. That can be with support from additional services. If you split, you would be supported to have shared residency.

If you can't go NC, then go really low contact. New Mum's, with or without MH issues, don't need her type of poison around them.

TARSCOUT · 05/07/2020 21:55

Congratulations on your baby! You sound as if you have a lovely supportive husband. Please don't waste time worrying about the what ifs - it's only going to drag you down and you're a new mum and you need all the energy you can get.

goose1964 · 05/07/2020 21:55

You seem to have your mental well being as controlled as you can. Most new mums have some negative thoughts about things so any you are having may just be part of the new mum journey. Your MiL sounds very unsupportive but as least your DH is on your side. Keep up the good work.Cake

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 05/07/2020 21:55

You are doing fine. You are a new mum, with, yes, MH issues but some new mums go through what you are going though with no history of any MH before.

It's all new and hormones are bastards at this stage. Happy, weeping, zombie state, dark circles leaky boobs etc. In any order, in 5 minutes. We have been there.

You have got this and your partner has got your back. He put you and your new family first, probably knowing that his Mum was a cow and you are tired from being a new mum.

She's probably just realised that her baby has now grown up. Breathe in, then out and say to yourself I have got this. And to anyone who tries to rain on your parade smile and ignore. Sounds like a a MIL who needs boundaries.

Congratulations on a new baby. I swear at 6 weeks I couldn't tell you what day it was.

ButtonandPickle19 · 05/07/2020 21:58

You’re feelings are understandable but the risk is minimal. If you carry on to be the wonderful mother you’ve been so far you’re safe x

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/07/2020 22:01

I imagine OH said it in passing, just an honest explanation about why he does the morning feed.

Remember he has been brought up by her, is used to doing as she wishes. That he has made a stand against her, specifically in your defence, is a very good thing. it means he is not still tied to her, to being her son first and foremost.

Take a deep breath. Believe in yourself. Maybe tell one of your support people that she is undermining your confidence and seems fear you are not capable. Not only does that give them the opportunity to support you work through her behaviour it also lets them know what she is doing, just in case you need a formal note of it, down the line.

But most of all, be kind to yourself and trust your partner. He seems to have realised what she is doing and has chosen to put you and your child first.

Okayokayok · 05/07/2020 22:02

I would be keeping that women well away from me and my home, let your husband visit her with the baby but I certainly wouldnt have her anywhere near me or my home

You sound like a good mum OP

Sunnydayshereatlast · 05/07/2020 22:02

Reduce how often you see her op. Ask him to stop telling her private stuff.
Make sure you never see her alone.
You sound well in control of your mh and of motherhood!!
Congratulations on your lovely baby!

Snowdown24 · 05/07/2020 22:03

No, it doesn’t really work like that, it would be very very very unlikely she would be able to take the baby off you just because of mental health issues.

Put it this way, I know a alcoholic mother who also takes drugs (weed) and been surrounded my social services for years and they are still happy for the kids to stay with their mum, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

Also the husband deserves a little something for standing with you, I know he should do that anyway as standard but normally they against their mums...so good for him!

PAND0RA · 05/07/2020 22:04

Why are you visiting them in their home ? Stop it and say you are going to obey the lockdown restrictions.

Tell your partner to stop giving any of your private medical information to his family.

Stop discussing details of baby’s routine with your in-laws. Your husband should just give general information such as “ he’s feeding well”.

You and your Dp need to Have a lot less contact with anyone who is so rude and disparaging to you. You don’t need their toxicity and I’m sure your baby has plenty other relatives.

FWIW it’s sounds to me that you are doing really well, both as a mum and in your career. You need to be proud of yourself and your DP needs to stand up for you.

PicsInRed · 05/07/2020 22:08

Out of interest, did you have these diagnoses before you got together with your husband? How is your mental health since your relationship became committed (pregnancy) and how has your MIL's behaviour towards you changed?

Presumably your mental health is well controlled and you self monitor carefully and vigilantly. Courts don't remove well cared for children from mentally ill mothers with well controlled illness. Though abusive people do like to threaten the mothers with removal, judges have seen it all before.

IknowIcan · 05/07/2020 22:08

Vodka

Your MIL doesn't have a leg to stand on. You are a great mum doing a fantastic job with your baby. Your MIL sounds like a nasty jealous cow!

Your DH sounds pretty sensible and I think he did entirely the right thing getting you all out of your MILs house.

I don't see any sign that you and your DH will split- you seem pretty solid - and he sounds like a good guy (and one who has the measure of his mum).

From a legal perspective the fact that you are on meds is neither here nor there. You are a fantastic mum - please enjoy this fine with your baby and don't let your MIL get to you. You are your baby's primary carer - your MIL's jealousy isn't going to change that.

Grandparents don't really have much legal rights at all to even see their grandchildren - never mind take them away from one of their parents! Makes no difference how good their lawyers are!

You seem to have a really good relationship with your DH. Even if you ever did split up with your DH it sounds like he would be a decent sort. And even if he wasn't - from a legal perspective it will be considered in your sons best interests to maintain the relationship with you as a priority.

Please don't let this nasty woman get to you. Reduce any contact with her - discuss with your DH how to do that and have a planned response to any future snide comments. I would stay well away from her.

You are doing an amazing job Vodka Smile honestly - you sound like an amazing kind and lovely mum. Please don't let that nasty bully of a MIL get to you.

PicsInRed · 05/07/2020 22:09

Document everything - including about your husband - and keep it at a 3rd location that your husband and his family don't have access to.

Dontiknowit · 05/07/2020 22:16

I also had terrible intrusive thoughts post natally. I was assured by MANY medical professionals that there was no way my baby would be taken away. Because actually the distress I felt showed what a commited mother I was! Just as you are.
Please don't worry about this.
You are doing an incredible job and your body and mind will recover. Wjth CBT, medication and sleep I was back to myself by the time by baby was crawling.
I wish you all the best with your recovery.