To be scared my MIL could try to take my baby from me?

[VodkaCranberry2]

I’m a very anxious person and have always had issues with my mental health. I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, and since having my baby 12 weeks ago I have developed maternal OCD, which has been absolute hell. Worse than any bipolar/BPD episode alive.

Despite these issues, I have always been able to hold down a very good job, and am progressing in my career. Despite the awful intrusive thoughts and being terrified I am a monster, I’m coping with motherhood very well, love my baby to bits, and am keeping my psychiatrist updated in case I need him. I’m medicated and awaiting CBT. I also have a weekly therapist and a CPN. I’m trying my best to keep myself stable as best as I can, even though there are times I just want to hide away and cry and not have all of these terrible thoughts.

I like my MIL, but I don’t trust her. She has commented a lot on how great my partner is, and told me I wouldn’t be able to cope without him. Her comment ‘How would you be able to parent without your medication? What if you didn’t have my son? You wouldn’t.’

She has also been very overwhelming about our nighttime routine with our son and telling us what to do as if we are five. We are 25 and 28, live in our own house, both work.

She has also made comments about what good lawyers she has, with no other context.

Her husband is a millionaire so I don’t doubt they would win in anything legal related.

The other evening after that comment I said to my DP I wanted to go home, as we were visiting them. He was so angry with his mum, told her it was not okay, packed up the car and we left. He hasn’t spoken to her in days.

I know she will think I’ve turned him against her, even though he too agrees she isn’t being very nice to me.

I know nothing is going to happen, but godforbid, if me and DP split, am IBU to worry about her trying to take my son away from me? And would she have a leg to stand on?

@PicsInRed I have been diagnosed since I was 20, which is when I started medication. I have had about three episodes since, one of hypomania (which isn’t dangerous, usually results in me coming up with a load of ideas that never pans out), one very anxious period and one depressive period, in the space of 5 years, lasting a couple of months each. My mental health has been fine ever since I met my partner and I had an amazing pregnancy mentally - it was as if I was diagnosis-free! However my MIL has always been interested in the fact I have BPD and even told her own mum about it which made me uncomfortable. Not sure why I told her about it to be honest. I don’t think she’s ever really warmed to me to be honest, my DP is her oldest but also the one she babies the most because he was the last to leave home. But since the pregnancy, she has been making it clear that my partner is the better parent.

Are your MIL and your DH enmeshed do you think? Has she made him a confident or surrogate husband? Does she see you as competition for his favour - and is jealous?

No. MIL could never get baby.

She could use some manners, though. Vicious and damaging - and ignorant about OCD.

Money can't just buy you a child even with great lawyers. Grandparents have no automatic rights, the only time they have rights is if a parent has been deemed unfit to care for their child by social services - and even then that to ensure the child is cared for by a loved one rather than fostered out.

I know having anxiety makes you blind to the irrational sometimes but I can assure you that she 100% can and will not take your baby off you. Try not to alienate her - she sounds a bit overbearing but not dangerous and shutting her out over a paranoid misunderstanding may well be something you live to regret

I don’t see why a father shouldn’t feed his own child? It certainly doesn’t make a new mother lazy to want a lie-in in the morning, medication or no medication, considering she may have been up during the night and taking care of a baby all day long.

My DH often had to wake me up in the night when DD was a baby and I was breastfeeding because I sleep so deeply and I don’t wake up easily so I didn’t hear her crying.

Just stay away from her if she’s making you feel bad, surround yourself with people you like.

I also have a diagnosis of Bipolar, and when I had my first baby I definitely had a sort of maternal OCD, which I didn’t realise at the time and did alleviate over time. One of my greatest fears was that my baby might be taken away because of mental health issues so I totally understand you fears.
Some of my husband’s family definitely were a little bit cautious about my MH issues (though kept it to themselves mostly and nowhere near as bad as your MIL). But over time they realised that I’m a good mum.

I would definitely limit contact with her. It’s great that your DH is supportive and hopefully he can tell her directly that the more she is rude and unsupportive towards you, the less she will see her son and grandchild.

I have found since I’ve become a mum that people are quick to make comments about dads and how they are good parents but rarely compliment mums on their parenting. I would not share anything further with your MIL and spend less time with her. She sounds awful. I’m glad you’ve got a supportive partner.

She's a bitch.
You poor thing. You've enough to deal with without her being so horrible. Doesn't help when you're vulnerable at the moment to have that crap to listen to.
I agree with pp, go very low contact. Adopt a rehearsed response when she speaks to you.
And, children are only ever taken from their parents as a last resort and not due to some crazy rich granny. She can F right off. So glad your husband is aware and supportive.
And you're engaging with your M H support network and doing a brilliant job.
Congratulations on your gorgeous baby :)

I hardly ever say this but think, in this case, you shouldn’t let your mil see you or your baby. Cut her off. You can’t have her plotting and trying trying to turn your DP against you while you manage everything.

Mums are always expected to be on best form and it’s nothing special if they parent well. Dads always seen as amazing if they parent well

My god, she sounds horrific. I massively echo a pp, tell your DP he is not to discuss your medical issues with her. Go very low contact. He sounds like he has your back, encourage him to stay that way.

1. Stop discussing your health with your MIL
2. this seems high level of anxiety. With respect ,Mumsnet is a dangerous game to play. Not everyone is nice. Is being on here to discuss this right for you?

Wow your MIL is a bitch. Saying those things when you’ve just had a baby?! She obviously has some major issues.

See her as little as possible. When you can, as the child gets older, talk to professionals eg health visitors, GP checkups, sure start playgroups, etc. They are often annoying but seeing them will create an ‘official’ paper trail showing that baby is being well looked after by you, which is always a nice thing to have.

I am two minded about the suggestion to document everything. On the one hand if you ever do split up and your MIL goes psycho, a documented history of her behaviour might be a little helpful, but it wouldn’t count for much, what would matter would be social services assessment (not her fancy lawyer) and they try to keep baby with mother at all costs unless baby is in danger.

On the other hand, writing down and keeping a list of nasty things that have been said to you is not great for anyone’s mental health.

Basically she is a bitch but she has is your MIL so you’re probably going to have to deal with her sometimes. Maybe tell your partner you need him with you when MIL is there and keep visits to very short daytrips. Then whenever she crosses your mind just remind yourself that she is a mean old bully struggling to seem important who doesn’t matter.

Hi OP, I voted YABU because I really don't think your MIL would ever be able to take your baby from you. Not because you yourself are expressing an unreasonable point of view!

@VodkaCranberry2 You sound like an MH superstar! I want to be like you when I grow up

My DM was like that when DS was born. DH was there to defend me when I was sedated and took care of DS when he needed something because that's what dads do. "Somebody" sent social services round to check on us because they were worried about the state of the baby and the mother was unstable. DH let them in, sat them down and made tea while I woke up from sleeping on the couch. As I sat there yawning my head off he got DS from his cot, changed and fed him then handed him to one of the social workers. I still wasn't properly awake. They left soon after with no further action taken.

I think your DH has made the switch in his head from "son" to "father" and is standing up for his family because he recognises that his DM is not good for the three of you just now. Trust him, he clearly loves you both and can keep her at bay.

You sound like an amazing person. I don’t have a mental health condition but find being a mum tough so the fact that you are doing everything possible to keep yourself going only speaks volumes about how much you love your son and want to be an amazing parent to him. I honestly would cut back the amount of time you spend with this woman because she will only worsen your anxieties (I also have an overwhelming mil). Your partner sounds like he is on your side so I would definitely put these thoughts to one side and just continue doing what your doing because your doing amazing.

You are having a difficult time the last thing you need is overbearing MIL sticking her nose in. Ignore her opinion she cannot take your baby.
Take it easy on yourself enjoy your beautiful baby, if you feel any thoughts wandering towards MIL sing to yourself as a distraction.
Your DP was rightly annoyed she caused that not you.

Congratulations on your baby OP

I echo what other posters have said.

She sounds horrendous. Go NC or LC if you can.

You sound like a great mum.

She'd wouldn't have any chance of taking your child away based on what you've said.

Amazing lawyer and millions in the bank or not.

She sounds toxic and I would advise you to cut contact! Why would anyone say such nasty things to a new Mum?! I doubt she would ever get your baby but if you make it so they dont have a relationship she will have 0 chance. As grandparents dont automatically have any rights but if you stopped her seeing your child she would have to apply for leave of the courts to try and get a contact order and judges will only grant this if there is a previous strong relationship so cut her out or only see her like every 6 months so they dont have a strong bond. Plus why would you want to see such a manipulative nasty person? It's really good your partner is sticking up for you though. I've seen so many times on here where men will not stand up for their partners against their mothers

Congratulations on your baby
Your MIL is clearly the one with the problem and there is no way she would be able to take your little one away.
Grandparents do not have any kind of automatic rights (thank goodness!) and the fact that you are well medicated and proactive in your relationship with your health professionals, means that it would require a massively extreme episode to occur for there to be any kind of consideration of looking at removing your child from your care.
We had issues with DH's Father when he found out I had depression (I was proactive in seeking both medication and private counselling to get myself better) he wrote to my GP, who basically laughed at him when he listed his 'concerns', my children's school, who told him that they could not discuss matters due to privacy etc, involved my adoptive parents who I had been NC with for a couple of years as they were abusive and rang child protection services to 'stake his claim once the children were removed' at the time I was terrified!
My GP was amazing and said the best action was for him to contact SS himself incase they resorted to malicious reports, the next day he rang me to tell me that he had spoken to SS, that he and the school (Oldest DS had been going through ADHD and Asperger's assessments in the previous months so lots of involvement with our family) had supported me and as such SS had no reason to open a case and my file would be noted as such in the event of future reports.
His Dad has continued to try contacting DC's schools periodically but as he lives in another part of the country he doesn't know which ones they are actually at and from what we have heard is contacting the wrong ones! but nothing has ever happened and I have never so much as spoke to a social worker once. It seems scary now but just ignore her, it sounds like your DP is willing to have your back, which is very important but I would be limiting what he tells her and possible keeping contact to a minimum to be honest.

You sound like a great mum, your MIL doesn’t have a chance in hell.... however she does sound toxic treating you like children and making inappropriate comments to try and get at you. I’d be limiting what contact you have if you don’t want to go no contact.

I don't think she has a hope in hell of getting your child. I would however keep a record of all the mean things she says and keep any nasty messages she sends

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly OP.

I would keep MIL at a distance, you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. She should be supporting you both, not criticising you.