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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel like I don't belong...does everyone feel like this at times.

43 replies

whatisforteamum · 05/07/2020 19:54

I don't know if my broken tooth and bit of earache is laying me low(appointment is booked for end july ).I've been feeling quite down.
I have made the most of lockdown and kept a routine going quite happy making the most of what I do have.not what I dont.
Plenty of.energy and positive vibes to pull everyone through.
Now everyone is meeting up in groups and seeing friends I feel I don't belong.
I normally work long hours so don't have much freetime.I love my alone time too.
I walked past a big group of young and realised I am on the outside.
My dh.doesn't understand my low self.esteem.I always feel like I am not good enough.I grew up in a strict critical environment so wonder if that is the reason.Now I am mid 50s I wonder does everyone.feel like they don't belong sometimes?
Is this just too much time with only dh.and.DS for company.The post sounds self pitying and it isn't meant to.Otto
Does everyone feel on the outside sometimes?

OP posts:

Summercamping · 05/07/2020 19:59

I don't know if it's universal but I have certainly experienced this, so you're not alone. Some days it bothers me more than others. On the whole, I focus on my lovely kids and husband, and remind myself I can't be that bad if they think I'm all right

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 05/07/2020 20:06

You are not alone OP! 💐

Cannot promise you it will get resolved, but you will have better days. It’s okay to feel an outsider, feel that you don’t belong to just about anywhere. Life has changed a lot in the last 3,5 months. People are reacting to this change differently.

I don’t think there is right or wrong way. I am sure there is a way that suits you I hope you find it soon.

Just wanted to let you know you were not alone. Chin up! Remember, you can do it! 💐 👍

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 05/07/2020 20:42

Thank you both.I just feel tearful for no apparent reason.I'm uncertain if it is a.lockdown thing or.menopause thing.I just feel like life is moving on without me.Going back to work will hopefully help.

OP posts:

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 05/07/2020 20:51

Yes I sometimes feel like I'm walking through life like I've bought a ticket to the wrong film. Everyone else has someone. Everyone else is valid. Everyone else is capable. People think I've got my shit together but I haven't got a fucking clue!

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 05/07/2020 21:01

I feel exactly the same. I have one group of ‘close’ friends from school who I see occasionally but I feel like I’m only still part of the group because I have been for so long iyswim not because they actually like me. Usually Im really busy with a PT job, and the children take part in lots of activities so I see lots of faces for a chat but this situation has highlighted to me that I don’t actually have any real friends. I don’t have anyone I can call on if me and the kids are at a loose end. I feel like I’m on my own walking on the sidelines all the time.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 05/07/2020 21:30

I guess that is what has happened.Work and the general distractions of life fill in my time.Normally I am happy to be independent.I am not a sociable person I just think this amount of time has made me feel on the sidelines of life.

OP posts:

carlywurly · 05/07/2020 21:52

I feel like this in waves. I present as being friendly and confident so I don't think people realise.

I also recognise it's not always entirely rational and made much worse by hormonal fluctuations.

I've been trying to explain how it feels to dp this weekend.

Di11y · 05/07/2020 22:31

I feel like this. none of my friends would consider me their 'tier 1' friend. so when numbers are limited for meeting up I'm not always invited. even with family my dad's made it clear his wife (my stepmum, my mum died) is his priority and as lovely as my aunt and PILs are, their kids come first too.

Bluewavescrashing · 05/07/2020 22:37

Since lockdown started only 2 of my friends have checked in with me, asked how are you, had text conversations and met up (outside and distanced).

I started a new job recently and it takes time to feel part of a group.

I think what you're describing is very normal OP.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 05/07/2020 22:41

I know it might sound strange, but deep down so you want to belong? Do you actually need people, or do you just think you should be part of a group because that is the ideal that is constantly fed to us, meeting up with friends, girlie holidays, crying to your BFF over a glass of chilled wine.

I used to feel like this, then as part of a real discovery of myself I realised actually, although I like people and talking with them, they’re kind of an added extra, nice to have rather than necessary - I’m actually just an outgoing introvert. Once I realised this I realised I very much belonged in groups to the level that was right for me.

Ethelfleda · 05/07/2020 22:43

Hi OP!
Me! I am younger - in my thirties - but I expel an awful amount of energy to try and feel like I fit in somewhere. It’s exhausting!

gonesolo · 05/07/2020 22:50

Yes I’ve feel like this. not all the time. I think, like you, lockdown has removed a lot of the day to day distractions as I’ve not been working.

I think lockdown has given me more time to reflect on a lot of things. I think living through a global pandemic makes you take stock generally, like who are the important people in your life, what are your priorities, etc.

Remember though that more people feel this way than you might think and you are by no means the only one. Also remember, this is how you feel now but life changes all the time so don’t think it will be this way forever.

Also, better to have no friends than the wrong friends

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/07/2020 22:57

I’ve often felt alone or on the outside

I would often look a big groups of people all laughing and think I wish I was with them (have been out with groups but never in the group if that makes sense)

I’ve only realised in the last few years I don’t actually like big groups I prefer to be on smaller groups or with one other person and my closest friends are the same

I realise now I would be sitting in the group getting drowned out and wondering how soon I could make my escape

And I’m happy with that and I love time on my own (not getting any at the moment apart from journey to abs from work)

Harryevie1 · 05/07/2020 22:58

I can so relate to this ! Sometimes I feel fine and other times I feel like I’m just sitting on the edge of a party - looking in but not invited ! Definitely got worse with Perimenopause and also with Lockdown . I’ve been going to work pretty much full time for the NHS and my husband has been working from home. Kids back from Uni - I come back in the evenings and often feel like I’m intruding on their chilled out family time

OhioOhioOhio · 05/07/2020 23:00

I feel like this too.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 05/07/2020 23:02

Oh good I am glad it is not just me.☺I am not shy and have been described as quite bubbly bit of a character in a good way.Also I come from a large family so apart from the normal few friends I had when I was younger I never felt the need to know loads of people.
I don't even work with people in my age group.I agree fitting in with people can be exhausting!😂

OP posts:

Justkeeepsmiling · 05/07/2020 23:07

I think I know what you mean. It's like everyone else has their life in order, has plans, knows what they want in life...I haven't got a clue on any of it. I blag most days, just do enough to get through the day, ready for the next one.

Molly500 · 05/07/2020 23:07

I felt like this today as I walked the dog and there seemed to be groups everywhere. Lockdown has made me aware of how few friends I have compared to DH. But,its always been that way so it must be me. But then again he is very sociable whereas I dont enjoy being around people that much. I just cant shake off the feeling that I never get it right. Dd is the same as me which also makes me feel bad.

Goslowlysideways · 05/07/2020 23:09

I’m very much an outsider. I never go to work things, I have friends but I don’t go out with them all the time or go away with them. It’s a mixture of insecurity and experience. If I go to a social gathering I just feel like I’ve got a big sign pointing to me saying weirdo. I just assume people won’t like me. Also I just feel very self conscious.
I did an arts degree and I didn’t go to my final show. I can’t stand my birthday because I hate being the centre of attention. I have been like this forever and I can’t see it changing.

Molly500 · 05/07/2020 23:22

I can identify with all of that Goslowlysideways. I missed my graduation ceremony because I didnt want the fuss.

ComDummings · 05/07/2020 23:25

I feel like this all the time, I have since about age11 or 12

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 06/07/2020 08:27

Perhaps that is what it is.Seeing everyone outside in groups rather than indoors.I just rush by as if I shouldn't be there.I do think aging is making me feel on the outside.
Silly.really as I can talk to anyone and I can be confident regarding my job.

OP posts:

LakieLady · 06/07/2020 08:32

Oh god, yes. I do have friends, who are mostly weird, and even they regard me as eccentric.

But it hasn't affected my confidence. I just think that other people who don't feel or think the same way as me are plain wrong!

caribooshriek · 06/07/2020 08:41

I feel this too. After I separated from XH, the DC and I moved to another country. My DC have SN and so I never had the time nor energy to be socially active. Now I'm in my 50s and feel very isolated, especially since C19. I often feel down.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 06/07/2020 08:54

I often feel like this and I think that I don’t deserve to do nice things, or for nice things to happen. This last few months has made it worse and I just don’t really do anything enjoyable.

Not helped by so many appearing to feel that those of us who are leer, should be sacrificed for the young. I’ve found that upsetting.

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