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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co parenting arrangements

41 replies

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 13:28

Looking advice on Co parenting arrangements. Before my ex moved in with his girlfriend we had a brilliant routine 3 set nights a week. But now he's moved further away they both have full time jobs. I don't work but I've every night is there choice. But it feels like it's getting on top of me. I haven't been able to plan or do anything from he's moved. It's went from 3 nights to 2 when suits them. Anytime I've asked for certain day night it's been a no. Aibu, should I just accept it as I don't work and they do. I just feel like it isn't fair. I have no one else to mind kids. They have grandparents local but will only mind once on a blue mood. And don't really like asking his side.

OP posts:

june2007 · 05/07/2020 13:31

I think having a propper routine is important. More then the number of days/ nights, you all need to know where you stand and you can all plan round it. I def contact them and say we need to work out when your have dc and when am I .

Honeyroar · 05/07/2020 13:33

It does sound like you need a proper court agreement.

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 13:35

I've tried loads of times. I'm basically told it's when suits them, I'm happy with sets days night. As I can plan/do stuff. But every week is different and if they can stay over then its just during the day. They will say there home at 12 and be brought home earlier without letting me know. Everytime it's they work and I basically have to deal with it.

OP posts:

Greggers2017 · 05/07/2020 13:35

My older two children's dad lives 60 miles away, he has them every weekend without fail, unless we are on holiday and he has them half of school holidays c

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 13:40

He won't agree to weekends because yet again because he works, he is a good dad, but anytime I mention things about child arrangements hes a bad dad, when I never state that or imply. He does this that for them but forgets I also do things to which I don't bring up unless he's being petty with me. Should I just be doing things to suit them as I don't work. I would just like to be able to do something once a week without having to bring kids along with me

OP posts:

Leaannb · 05/07/2020 13:43

You can't force him to see your kids at your convenience. You can gonto.court and get a set schedule but still no way to force him into seeing them

Greggers2017 · 05/07/2020 13:44

OP I completely agree. I think you need to start trying to put something in place. If he won't discuss it with you properly, first try mediation and then if not go to the family court.
Wether you work or not, you need a social life and tome to yourself.

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 13:50

But it's OK to be at his convenience? So I must be being unreasonable then. Men really do get it easy.

OP posts:

Greggers2017 · 05/07/2020 13:57

No definitely not at his convenience, you misunderstood me.
You need an arrangement that is suitable for you both. It's not fair that you can't plan anything.
Hence why o said meditation then court.

Greggers2017 · 05/07/2020 13:58

No definitely not at his convenience, you misunderstood me.
You need an arrangement that is suitable for you both. It's not fair that you can't plan anything.
Hence why o said meditation then court.

ILoveYou3000 · 05/07/2020 13:58

You can't force him to see your kids at your convenience. You can gonto.court and get a set schedule but still no way to force him into seeing them

It's not about OP's convenience! It's about structure and routine, and the children knowing what's what from week to week. It doesn't do them any good to never know when they'll be seeing their dad. Children thrive on routine, it helps them to feel secure.

OP I suggest you look into mediation. Your ex needs to think about what's best for the children, not him.

You could email him to say the children be available for contact on the days previously agreed, maybe invite him to suggest alternative days if they no longer suit, but moving forward contact need to be regular for the sake of your children.

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 14:05

Sorry @Greggers2017greggers that was in reply to the girl above you. Believe me I've tried all this with him. I always get told that I'm not understanding him, it will never be set days as they both work full time. And once there back at school it's going to change again as he lives to far for overnight stays during the week. I'll be honest I don't want to go down the court route I suffer with anxiety, I know it's my own fault if I didn't have this I'd be straight up to them. Was really just wondering if others have similar Co parenting problems like this to feel like I'm not alone.

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 05/07/2020 14:05

I would tell him that going forward the DCs will be available for contact every other weekend from Friday at 7pm (or whatever time he can reasonably get to your house after work) until Sunday at 7pm and won’t be available at any other times. Starting from 2 weeks from now. Then don’t respond to any arguing. If he offers an alternative fixed arrangement that works for you and DC then agree that- but otherwise don’t be drawn into any discussion. If he doesn’t turn up on that date and time then he misses his contact. He can see them again at the next scheduled date. If he doesn’t like this he can go and see a solicitor who will advise mediation. At which point you can produce all your texts which show how you were offering regular contact which he declined.

raindropshateyou · 05/07/2020 14:08

What is his working routine?

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 14:12

He works days but can start early about 7/ finish anytime between 2 and 4,

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 05/07/2020 14:16

How far away is his work?

Sally872 · 05/07/2020 14:17

You should just say dc is available tues and sat (or whatever) and let him take it or leave it.

However you will want the best for dc which means more than likely you will take contact ex will give so dc doesn't miss out. It isn't fair on you or child, sorry nothing positive to say, you have my sympathy.

Greggers2017 · 05/07/2020 14:25

OP it's difficult isn't it? I'm lucky that my relationship with my children's dad is so good.
DSD mum on the other hand is a nightmare and makes your ex seem like a breeze!

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 14:32

Anytime he's asked for them. He's had, I wouldn't be that kind of parent. But anytime I've asked for a certain day it's a no they have there plans. If I said certain nights take or leave. It will be ur stopping me from seeing the kids etc. We do get along til it comes to arrangements

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 14:33

His work is about 15/20 mins away from me.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2020 14:36

Not what you asked, but if he’s gone from nearly 50/50 care with 3 nights a week to not often at all is he paying more maintenance?

Smallsteps88 · 05/07/2020 14:36

If I said certain nights take or leave. It will be ur stopping me from seeing the kids etc.

So? Let him whinge. If he actually wants to see his children he’ll either turn up on those days or he’ll get a solicitor who absolutely will tell him he’ll be getting fixed contact or no contact. No solicitor or judge will support a parent wanting contact as and when it suits them because that isn’t what’s best for the child which is what the courts exist for. All solicitors know how courts work so he will be told to agree a fixed contact schedule with you or forget about seeing his children.

cochineal7 · 05/07/2020 14:44

Sorry you are going through this. He is completely unreasonable. Now I get you have anxiety, but you also have a choice: stop it now by being firm and reasonable and give him set days (and don’t get drawn into any arguments about you not letting him see them as that is BS), go to a solicitor if need be. Put everything jn writing (text email etc) to him. Alternative, which longer term is undoubtedly worse for your anxiety (and for your kids), is to continue as is.

GabriellaMontez · 05/07/2020 14:45

we get along until it comes to arrangements

You mean as long as you ask for nothing and he does as he pleases, everything is ok?

Sorry, its so unfair that he's a shit dad and wont step up to contribute to a balanced routine for your children.

It's very common. You cant force him. There are loads of Dads like this.

You use the term co parent but really that isn't his mind set. He sees you as his low paid babysitter.

You probably need to do as previous posters have suggested. Say they'll be ready every other weekend and on a Tuesday night or whatever. If he wants to take you to court. Good.

Mehmen · 05/07/2020 14:45

They’re his kids too. He needs to arrange his own childcare for the days he has them. You are not his and his partner’s childcare provider.
If he won’t do this then you’ll probably have to make official arrangements.

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