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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co parenting arrangements

41 replies

Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 13:28

Looking advice on Co parenting arrangements. Before my ex moved in with his girlfriend we had a brilliant routine 3 set nights a week. But now he's moved further away they both have full time jobs. I don't work but I've every night is there choice. But it feels like it's getting on top of me. I haven't been able to plan or do anything from he's moved. It's went from 3 nights to 2 when suits them. Anytime I've asked for certain day night it's been a no. Aibu, should I just accept it as I don't work and they do. I just feel like it isn't fair. I have no one else to mind kids. They have grandparents local but will only mind once on a blue mood. And don't really like asking his side.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 05/07/2020 15:06

Yeah at his convenience and I wouldn't say they get it easier. Because this shi t will come back to haunt him

Home42 · 05/07/2020 15:17

I’d say “these are your days, take them or leave them. If you cant pick up on time then it’s likely we will have gone out. If you try and drop them back early please be aware that I might be out”. No need to argue. He can moan as much as he likes but a set routine is best for you and the kids so enforce it!! Stop being a doormat.

2andahalfpints · 05/07/2020 15:24

I never got as far as court, but was advised by my solicitor that I would be expected to work around my ex's shift pattern for contact as I worked 'regular' hours 😔 it's so unfair, he did get his 3 nights, at times which suited him. I know logically that was best for the child at the time, still bloody annoying as I worked all week and would have to find childcare etc then miss out on the weekend if ex was off too!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 05/07/2020 15:39

You are not co-parents. He is a father-when-it-suits-him. Tell him that you need more money in child support to hire a sitter once a week so you can have a hobby/friends/spa day. It likely won't make him a better father, but you will get some adult time.

KarmaKamel · 05/07/2020 15:44

Kids need routine and structure. They need to know when they will be at dads and when they will be with yours.

Tell him the kids need that or go to court to get the courts to decide a routine.

RandomMess · 05/07/2020 15:48

When does he get shift rota?

You could go to court and have it that he needs to share his rota with you when he gets it and dates agreed.

You've said that when the DC are back at school he won't be able to have them midweek overnight. On that basis I would allocate him EOW Friday-Sunday and he can either pick up the DC or not.

If he's not happy then he can take you to court. There is nothing stopping him asking his family or partner to assist him with childcare on his weekends.

Ultimately he can only have them weekends because of school and you have the right to quality weekend time with the DC. He could of course ask for weekdays after school for the evening and you can agree to it if they don't have other plans.

PrincessLouis · 05/07/2020 15:50

I agree it would be better for the children to have a settled routine. HOWEVER am I right in understanding that he works and you don’t? So his work pays for your house etc as well as his? If that’s right, and his work schedule is unpredictable, I do have some sympathy with him. After all that’s what it would be like if you were still married, and you want the same financial set up... Some possible ways forward 1:- one fixed day & one floating day a week or 2:- get a job and pay for some childcare so you have some time off & let him have the kids when he can

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 05/07/2020 16:02

The problem with a court order is that it is not enforceable from the non resident parents perspective. So the reality is that you COULD apply (it's pretty unusual for a resident parent to do so ) .

As the applicant you would have to complete the forms and pay the £215. However before court would hear the case you are obliged to BOTH go to mediation. (About £200 per hour split between you).. then if you get an agreement there it is rubber stamped by the court. If you don't get an agreement then you go to court and a judge makes a decision.

However. Whatever the decision it is worded that ... the RP will make the children available to the NRP on x day at x time. Until x day at x time. At no point will an order be made to MAKE the non resident parent spend time with the child. This is because it is not deemed in the child's best interest to be forced with a NRP who doesn't want them.
So you spend At least £315 (the price of the court fees ) if self representing .. and you end up with a piece of paper that is entirely worthless.

Original poster
Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 16:05

His work doesn't pay for my house I pay my own bills. He gives me £30 a week out of his 500-700 a week wage. He works days, so no shifts, he finished around 3 everyday. Even if I got a job I couldn't afford childcare on my own and pay full rent. He certainly wouldn't help out with childcare costs. I've tried reasoning with him and it's always they work so I've to work around them. I've asked multi able times for at least 1 or 2 fixed nights and it's a straight up no

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyofboygirl · 05/07/2020 16:11

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel thank you for the information. I couldn't afford to go down that route. But thank you again Smile

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/07/2020 16:13

Well for a start go to CMS and make a claim for proper maintenance now he doesn't have them 3 nights per week.

He isn't a good Dad at all when you scratch the surface.

Just make them available for contact EOW Fri-Sun/Mon and let him take you to court. He may not turn up to get them because he isn't actually a good Dad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2020 16:13

Is that what the CMS says he should pay based on his earnings and how many nights he has them?

If he won’t work with you to agree dates your only option is what others have said which is tell him when you’ll make the kids available for him to pick up and say no to any other days. You can’t make him have them so you can’t rely on him for making plans. But you can stop him dicking you around. Who cares if he accuses you of keeping them from him? He’s not your friend. He’s not your boss. He’s an unreasonable bully. Make what you think are reasonably suggestions and tell him to arrange mediation or apply to court if he doesn’t like it.

Lilybet1980 · 05/07/2020 16:20

Does he work the exact same days/hours every week? Your last post suggested it’s not shift work but then I don’t understand why he is always changing arrangements due to work.

Smallsteps88 · 05/07/2020 18:14

thank you for the information. I couldn't afford to go down that route. But thank you again

There’s absolutely no reason for you to go down this route. You have contact with your children- you don’t need a court to arrange anything for you. He is the one who will be whingeing about not having access whenever he likes so the onus is on him, if he is serious about having contact, to seek a court order. You don’t need to do anything. It’s not your responsibility to make him see his kids. It’s his.

GabriellaMontez · 05/07/2020 21:52

Why does he pay so little?

Waveysnail · 05/07/2020 21:56

Does he have a shift pattern he can give you? Does it chnage often?

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