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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH?

45 replies

Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 12:03

OH is in the very early stages of setting up a company with his best friend. He already has a Very Big and Very Important Job whereas i have up my career for dd and an currently studying for a more child friendly one but won’t make any where near what I would have. Oh cliche.

OH has devoted every hour of the day, literally on the phone to his best friend Throughout the whole day where they are still trying to think of a name.

Every hour is spent either on this, or his hobbies, (not currently working) and he considers this to be work.

He does zero tidying up, childcare, cooking. I walked into him yesterday and said my period pains were killing me in the hope he would help with dd. Nope, and he was on a call to his best friend and was embarrassed I’d used the word period in front of him.

Anyway, he didn’t go to bed until 2am last night and is still in bed now. I’ve been stewing in anger all morning, if I were to wake him up he would be in a vile mood.

Aibu to under estimate how much time and effort it takes to build a business or is hbu to completely shirt his responsibilities because he deems himself too important? His friend is single with no children so doesn’t have the same responsibilities.

So for voting:

Yabu: I’m being unreasonably and let the man focus

Yanbu: he needs to balance the two.

I don’t want to drip feed but his overall attitude recently has been a bit crap, I’m also on my period so could be hormonal.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 05/07/2020 12:08

Sounds like there are lots of things in the mix at the moment.

How old is DD?

For a start I would say, don't just tell him you have period pains. Say I have period pains and i need you to look after DD for 5 hours while I go to bed.

Never hint. Always be clear.

Then when you are feeling stronger have a think about how you would like things to change and then sit down and talk to him about it. Until you challenge him he will think he can get away with being a dick.

Has he always been like this?

user1493413286 · 05/07/2020 12:09

My DH is building up a business in the hope of going self employed and inevitably I’ve ended up taking more on at home with the expectation that his business will benefit me too in the future and I still get more down time than him as he works so much. However I don’t do everything in the house; he has his jobs in the house and things like cooking are shared when he’s at home and I still get my lie ins. It takes up far more time than I really imagined but the way I see it is that there needs to be a balance from the beginning as otherwise it’ll get harder to claw that back in the future.
My DHs business involves being out the house so we agreed certain nights in the week he does it and at weekends we agree what’s reasonable; maybe you could do that so there’s some structure around it? Also when my DH wants to answer the phone to his business partner at 8pm on a Saturday night when we’re in the middle of dinner (for example) I put my foot down and say it can’t be that urgent at that time.

Original poster
Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 12:20

DD turns two in a few weeks, sorry I should have included that!

I have tried the more direct approach with him but he tends to strop. Also, if I try and brosch. an issue here he will start shouting about how he’s called his friend now and telling him he’s out of the business, that he can’t do it because of me. And we will be poor forever. Etc etc (we aren’t poor but he considers us to be poor.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 12:22

I did get a minor lie in yesterday and the day before, however the issue with this is if I don’t get up with dd in the morning he will get up with her, pass her over to his mum (who lives with us) and then disappear onto his computer.

If I said he needs to help tidy up he will scream how he tidied the kitchen twice yesterday! But he probably only loaded the dishwasher once, if that makes sense? He over exaggerates stuff he does but also over exaggerates that I’m a nag. If I ask him to do anything he calls me bossy and tells me I’m managing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 12:23

Ugh it’s really not good, I feel so miserable!

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 05/07/2020 12:25

Lol. He is a twat.

Original poster
Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 12:26

Sorry I’m kind of venting here. He also likes to throw around how most men spend all there time in the pub so I should be happy he’s around. He says he does way more than any other man. Isn’t that the oldest line in the book? He’s also an ex alcoholic and we had many bad times, has been sober for almost a year.

Sorry I’m totally drip feeding!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/07/2020 12:27

@Tiredandfedup21

DD turns two in a few weeks, sorry I should have included that!

I have tried the more direct approach with him but he tends to strop. Also, if I try and brosch. an issue here he will start shouting about how he’s called his friend now and telling him he’s out of the business, that he can’t do it because of me. And we will be poor forever. Etc etc (we aren’t poor but he considers us to be poor.)

Oh God, one of those. How on earth do these men get successful at work?

Roll your eyes and walk away or call his bluff and say yes, good idea, do pull out if you can’t see how to combine married life with the business.

Stand your ground and keep some boundaries if you don’t want to end up a seething and resentful mess.

RedOasis · 05/07/2020 12:28

Make a list of all the things you do every day. You will amaze yourself. Then say to him I haven’t been able to do a or b can u help? I know you’re busy talking to your friend but u need to contribute a bit more. If he refuses then stop doing anything unles you really reeeally have to and see if he notices. Some men r just so damn lazy. So r some women as well Show him how he’s not pulling his weight and ask for help.

MatildaTheCat · 05/07/2020 12:29

Oh dear. It’s hard to see a happy future here.

letsdolunch321 · 05/07/2020 12:29

You feel So miserable ..... only you can change the situation by being direct and clear when telling OH what the problems are within your relationship

EmperorCovidula · 05/07/2020 12:30

But if yes wasting hours upon hours thinking of a name he’s clearly not taking this whole business thing seriously.

Yankathebear · 05/07/2020 12:35

If his mum lives with you what does she think?

IcedBlueNails · 05/07/2020 12:51

MY DH runs a successful side business, and works full time. He still manages to cook, clean, do washing and grocery shoppping when needed. Just now he has spent a few hours working on the laptop whilst I slept in and has taken all three DC to asda to get the ingredients for a roast that he will cook tonight before I go to work overnight.

I say this all to point out that your OH is being a twat. It is possible to do both things. And if they are spending hours thinking of a name, point out there are more important things for a business to concentrate on! I also agree you need to be more direct.

Merryoldgoat · 05/07/2020 12:57

You’re married to a prick OP.

He’s behaving so irrationally so you stop challenging him.

There will be busier times, quieter times, but family will always need to be prioritised and not neglected.

If he’s screaming at you for any reason at all it needs to stop.

YouJustDoYou · 05/07/2020 13:05

So what good is he? What does he "bring to the table" as the saying goes? What function does he actually serve, or is he just a house mate who sees you as at The Staff?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2020 13:12

You say OH, are you married?

You’re obviously not wrong about his focus on the business but that’s not your biggest problem by a long shot. He actually screams at you? That’s not okay. He does no parenting, also not okay. No housework, likewise.

He’s a lazy bullying arsehole.

When are you likely to be working again?

Ellisandra · 05/07/2020 13:20

Prioritise getting back into your own career, then leave him. There’s no way to change him.

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/07/2020 14:04

so he gets to have TWO 'very important money making jobs' - and opt out of parental/family responsibilities 'to focus' - cos only he is being supported to contribute financially????
.....and you get dirty nappies and dishes as your lot? Scrambling around for crumbs?

Fuck that!
He can spend the time spent on his 2nd hobby-job doing his share at home so YOU can focus on finding yourself a 'very important job' that enables you to be financially independent and contribute and not have that power difference held over you

treefrograbbit · 05/07/2020 14:13

Ok so just for context I run a business with 6 staff and have teenager DS and a DH. In March I decided to register and set up a new business, i set up limited, developed the proposition, ran a focus group with 6 industry experts, refined the proposition, I've spoken to solicitors to get the T&cs and structure set up, I've opened a business account secured funding and have a beta website ready to launch next week oh and all social channels ready with media to launch. Yes I'm super proud and sorry if that sounds a bit like a boast. 😬

All of this has been done around teenagers an existing business and my DH working full time from home.

Oh and I has surgery 3 weeks ago so I'm recovering from that as well.

He's taking the absolute piss. Like unbelievable piss.

Even if you have period pains never dismiss your own feelings and right to be annoyed, PMS and mood during periods is still a 100% valid mood, otherwise we as women are not allowing ourselves to be listened too for 5 days a month?

Kick him into touch fast.

treefrograbbit · 05/07/2020 14:16

Alternatively send him in my direction I'll have him all set up with names with branding in 3 weeks then he can crack on and do some actually work!

Beebeet · 05/07/2020 14:19

He is a selfish, lazy man who is using setting up his business as some kind of excuse to not bother engaging in family life, and holding you over a barrel eg if I don't spend hours thinking of a name the business will fail. It won't. He direct with him and he needs to be pulling his weight, I'm sure you'll make concessions when he is genuinely busy but he is taking advantage majorly.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 05/07/2020 14:22

He’s a total prick and he’ll never change

022828MAN · 05/07/2020 14:24

I can't see him changing, so the real question is are you willing to accept this for the indefinite future?

Yeahnahmum · 05/07/2020 14:32

He sounds like a baby. This whole :business idea just sounds like a story to get you off his back and him pretending he is busy
Ha. Next time don't assume when you say that you have period pains he will come and help you. Just tell him.
He is avoiding all things not fun right not and your are letting him get away with it. Make him take on more jobs. He is a slacker.