Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Or is OH?

45 replies

Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 12:03

OH is in the very early stages of setting up a company with his best friend. He already has a Very Big and Very Important Job whereas i have up my career for dd and an currently studying for a more child friendly one but won’t make any where near what I would have. Oh cliche.

OH has devoted every hour of the day, literally on the phone to his best friend Throughout the whole day where they are still trying to think of a name.

Every hour is spent either on this, or his hobbies, (not currently working) and he considers this to be work.

He does zero tidying up, childcare, cooking. I walked into him yesterday and said my period pains were killing me in the hope he would help with dd. Nope, and he was on a call to his best friend and was embarrassed I’d used the word period in front of him.

Anyway, he didn’t go to bed until 2am last night and is still in bed now. I’ve been stewing in anger all morning, if I were to wake him up he would be in a vile mood.

Aibu to under estimate how much time and effort it takes to build a business or is hbu to completely shirt his responsibilities because he deems himself too important? His friend is single with no children so doesn’t have the same responsibilities.

So for voting:

Yabu: I’m being unreasonably and let the man focus

Yanbu: he needs to balance the two.

I don’t want to drip feed but his overall attitude recently has been a bit crap, I’m also on my period so could be hormonal.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 05/07/2020 14:34

Why are you putting up with this? I'd be off. He needs a wake up call

KitKat2020 · 05/07/2020 14:36

He needs to act like an adult - consider family life and manage his time better. Stropping is ridiculous.

What are these numerous calls to his friend about the business? Are they actioning tasks and working towards goals, or just brainstorming? He should be realistic and strategise. It all sounds very disorganised and that doesn’t bode well.

He shouldn’t shirk his responsibilities at home. If he has wasted hours on unnecessarily lengthy phone calls then goes and does his hobby, that’s not fair.

He should be the one making sacrifices, and not presume that you will pick up the slack, unless you have agreed to it.

You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells when drawing to his attention that things need to be done around the house, and he needs to participate.

Could you ask him how many hours per week on average he expects to work on this business and take it from there?

Do you think he can change? If he can’t even engage in sensible discussion,I would offer an ultimatum of couples counselling or separating.

Bagelsandbrie · 05/07/2020 14:44

Well he sounds like an idiot. I used to be a marketing manager and branding and a name for a company is something we’d do in a morning. It doesn’t take a whole day of chatting with your best mate. He’s being a dick.

Fairenuff · 05/07/2020 14:49

He's a bully.

You're facilitating him.

Don't give up your career. Concentrate on getting back into it. Yes you may be 'poor' for a bit but financial independence is paramount.

Unless you want to carry on like this? Don't expect him to change.

Rosebel · 05/07/2020 15:13

Starting your own business takes a lot of time and effort. It doesn't happen if you stay in bed until midday! However I don't think it's really that which is the issue. He's horrible to you , doesn't help with your daughter or the housework. Are you sure he's actually working on the business with his friend? They can't be doing much work if they just phone each other constantly.
But the fact he's lazy and disrespectful is more worrying. Are you happy?

FizzyGreenWater · 05/07/2020 15:33

Oh I was about to reply to your first post then I realised that any suggestions were pointless. He's a twat, you won't have a happy life with him, can you think about leaving?

You're clearly not married - another way it's all been arranged to suit him I see. You 'll only be entitled to maintenance and what you can get from the house. Don't tell me, DD has HIS surname of course...

Motoko · 05/07/2020 16:52

He's being abusive to you, he won't change. The reason he screams and gets in a strop, is to stop you from complaining. He will never pull his weight because he expects you to do all the "woman's work".

Why is his mother living with you? Does she say anything when he screams at you?

You shouldn't have given up your job. I wouldn't be surprised if he's financially abusive too. If he's already saying you're poor, that gives him an excuse to tell you that you can't afford to buy things (well, anything that YOU want. He'll always have enough to pay for things he wants.)

This will only get worse. You need to start making plans to leave him, and you need a job.

DrPatient · 05/07/2020 17:01

So, he's entirely responsible for financially supporting you and your child and yet he's "lazy" for staying up until 2am to make the business the best it can be so you actually have some security?!
If he weren't putting in enough effort then you'd complain that he's not taking it seriously. What do you actually expect? For him to be the sole wage earner AND do 50% of the household work and childcare? For him to not put everything into his business so you can bitch about how it's his fault if/when it fails? For him to not set up the business and work as employee where you'll inevitably bitch because he can't choose his hours or lifestyle and that will negatively impact you? Do you actually have a solution because it sounds like you just have a problem?

HollowTalk · 05/07/2020 17:05

Hang on, you have given up your career for your DC, yet you are not married? Have you considered what would happen if you split up?

Dixiechickonhols · 05/07/2020 17:10

You say OH so I assume not married. You are vulnerable OP. He works and builds his business. He can do this because you care for his child and house. He leaves you in 10 years and all you get is child maintenance. You need to have a frank conversation. Current set up isn’t working for you. What do you want to do? Leave? Get Job and him do childcare 50/50. Marriage so at least you get some assets in divorce?

Macncheeseballs · 05/07/2020 17:15

Anyone with child care responsibilities who stays in bed that late on a regular basis is a selfish twat (not including shift work and illness!)

Iggi999 · 05/07/2020 17:15

DrPatient, did you not read the bit were the OP states that he is not currently working ? These are unusual circumstances, he has time for hobbies and new business plans he could lift a finger to help with the child and household jobs.
Imagine seeing your partner in pain and asking for some help and you just brush her off.

cherrybun01 · 05/07/2020 17:59

why do people accept shitty partners? leave - I cant see how hes contributing positively to your life at all

cherrybun01 · 05/07/2020 18:01

@DrPatient get out of here, OP is going to be working too, soooooo.....reality check yes he should be doing 50/50 looking after HIS child too. hes not working atm either???

OP ignore people like this, its not okay to go to hed at 2am and gets to have a nice lie in whilst you continue to pick up the slack with childcare and housework

Original poster

Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 18:28

@DrPatient he’s entirely responsible for supporting me and “my child” because I gave up my very well paid job (which was the same as his normal day to day job) to enable him to work abroad like he wanted to.

He is self employed in a very successful art based business, he already earns over 200k a year and gives me £900 a month which I use to buy our food shopping, some bills and everything for my daughter. I am not over here living some kind of luxury lifestyle while he grinds himself into the ground. I look after my dd, his mum and study full time and from next year I will be on nurse placement so whilst not earning anything I will have full working weeks whereas he usually works 2/3 weeks out of every 2 months.

And even if I wasn’t working or studying, at what point do I become his personal slave? I’m sorry but looking after a toddler, cleaning and cooking while he lounges around in his sweat pants drinking coffee complaining that he’s so tired because he stayed up until the early hours watching TV or doing his hobbie, no thanks! Obviously while he is working this isn’t a problem, he is usually abroad while working so no issues have been raised.

Wow, that turned into a rant but I resent that comment.

In response to a lot of other comments I did manage to speak to him when he eventually emerged from his slumber. As o said before, his instant reaction was to storm out of the room shouting that he was calling his business partner and telling him he was done. There’s honestly just no having any kind of rational chat with him about it. I called his bluff and told him to go ahead and he backtracked so quick. Was saying how he had cleared today so that we could spend the day together yadayadayada. I think that personally this isn’t what I want in a relationship. There are many other problems hidden like the way he treats his mum and her dog. He believes that everyone’s time is worse less than his, that somehow we owe him because he pays the rent so to speak. He actually threw in my face that o had only Made him 5 coffees this month so far lol.

I think a bigger conversation is to be had here and that does concern me as like pp have said I’m in a vulnerable position. I do however have my lovely mum who I can stay with if I need to and we will make it work somehow.

Sorry that was so long!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredandfedup21 · 05/07/2020 18:32

@Bagelsandbrie oh my, I laughed at that! If you could see the endless lists, languages, verbs and nouns which have been read through you would be shocked!

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 05/07/2020 19:47

You are very vulnerable op. He’s self employed so could easily arrange things to ensure minimum child maintenance or move abroad for work to avoid paying completely.

Iggi999 · 05/07/2020 20:51

If you could earn a similar amount to him why on Earth are you a sahm? Get a nanny (assuming his mum couldn't do child care) and get some power back in the relationship. What's the deal with marriage?

RandomMess · 05/07/2020 20:59

He has time for his hobbies but not to pull his weight...

If you aren't married then you will not benefit from his business at all! Self employed folk can minimise income in order to minimise child
Maintenance due...

RandomMess · 05/07/2020 20:59

He has time for his hobbies but not to pull his weight...

If you aren't married then you will not benefit from his business at all! Self employed folk can minimise income in order to minimise child
Maintenance due...

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread