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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother you?

46 replies

overlooker · 04/07/2020 21:15

I’m trying to work out if I ABU or not.

My DH announced proudly the other day that he’d made a “family photo frame” for our kids. Lovely. Lots of effort went into it. There are spaces for about 10 photos in the frame. It’s sizeable and goes on the wall. Except I’m not in it. 10 family photos of him and the kids and a few nice shots just of the kids. Some are photos I’ve taken and sent to him over the years. It took me a few minutes to click what was bothering me about it. When I realised I said
“DH I’m not in any of the photos”
He clearly bristled and retorted “well there’s nothing stopping you making your own frame”
?!
It turned into a row as he felt I was putting him down and I should have been happy for him making the effort.
He did eventually replace one of the photos with a photo of me and the kids. It just feels a bit flat though.
I’d like honest opinions. Would you find it funny and just rip the piss with no offence taken or would you be upset at being left out?

OP posts:
Elouera · 04/07/2020 21:17

I'd be miffed also!

Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2020 21:21

Yes, I’d be a bit pissed off too.

Original poster
overlooker · 04/07/2020 21:22

Would it put you off your OH if he did it and then caused a scene because you were upset at not being included?

OP posts:
lanthanum · 04/07/2020 21:23

Perhaps you take the best photos...

elephanbee · 04/07/2020 21:24

I would be very pissed off!

1Morewineplease · 04/07/2020 21:25

I’d be miffed but the thing is, I take the majority of photos.

Brefugee · 04/07/2020 21:28

I'd be miffed - there's a whole thing about there being very few photos of mums with children because they're always the ones taking the photos. Families need to make more effort to get more photos with both parents (not necessarily both parents in each photos, but as many of the mum as the dad)

TooTiredTodayOk · 04/07/2020 21:29

YANBU.

It says a lot about how he views you, when you have to actually remind your husband that you're part of the family too.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/07/2020 21:31

I used to make people take pictures of me with my kids there are hardly any of me with my daughter because I was a single parent for years prior to camera phones and selfies etc with the boys now im a single parent again we go selfie crazy so I make sure I'm in lots

slipperywhensparticus · 04/07/2020 21:32

and yes I would be pissed at not being classed as family

catmg · 04/07/2020 21:38

I would be so hurt.

You make the effort to record memories of him and the kids. Bet he doesn't take half as many photos of you and the kids. This is a sore point in my otherwise almost perfect marriage. I get that men can be thoughtless but it's the fact that I've asked him 100 times to take more photos and he's just not bothered /doesn't care.

Really very hurtful that he made that frame, looked at it, and didn't think the most important person in his and his children's lives was missing. I'm annoyed on your behalf. But knowing that this is a common issue which lots of women experience, maybe we shouldn't be so hurt by it and see it as just a general shortcoming in men!

In terms of solutions - speak to him when all is calm. Don't have a row, but let him know you're hurt and let him know your future expectations.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 04/07/2020 21:40

It would annoy me for a short time, but then like a pp, I'd quickly realise it's because I take all the photos and he rarely does.
DD is 3 and I think there are approximately 10 photos of me and her that aren't selfies 😂

AlwaysCheddar · 04/07/2020 21:41

He’s a prize dick.

Original poster
overlooker · 04/07/2020 21:42

It’s just made me look at him differently to be honest. I feel like I now can’t be bothered to make any effort for him. Why should I bother? It was his response that really bothered me. He could have said “oh god I’m really sorry. I’m a twat” and it would have been fine. I’m just wondering how I ended up married to somebody so selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
overlooker · 04/07/2020 21:44

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese that would be fine if that was the case but there are lots of photos including me stored on the computer where he found the ones he printed. He would have had to scroll past me to get to them. In fact, when he finally said ok let’s put one of you in, it only took a few minutes to find one and print it.

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 04/07/2020 21:45

Absolutely - I always look at pics, especially in family houses to see if I make an appearance.
XH even gave DD a pic of me and her together for her bedroom at his house too.
A family frame is just that - it includes all the family!
YANBU remotely.

PinkiOcelot · 04/07/2020 21:46

I wouldn’t be bothered, but only because I think I look shit in photos.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 04/07/2020 21:47

@overlooker that's hurtful, knowing that now I would be fuming, I actually am on your behalf.
I'd ask him if I was an important fixture in our families life in that case, because it feels so thoughtless.

RainbowMum11 · 04/07/2020 21:47

I used to hate my photo being taken, but then we were at my step-grandads funeral and I commented how lovely it was to have a photo collage - someone said well you'd better start having your photo taken then.
It has really stuck with me,

Bmidreams · 04/07/2020 21:51

It speaks volumes. You don't count, do you? Upsetting? Deliberately making a point?

TooTiredTodayOk · 04/07/2020 21:55

I'm not sure about whether it's selfish, and it shouldn't be dismissed as "a man thing".

To me it's utterly dismissive of you and your role in the family - the fact that he'd make a “family photo frame” for your kids and it absolutely didn't occur to him that you should be on there, and then he caused a scene when you point that out.

It would tell me that he sees he and his children as his 'family' and you're incidental - I'd be devastated by it to be honest.

Cheeringmeup · 04/07/2020 22:02

I'd be very upset about that. I know I take most of our family photos, and sometimes I've had to say to DH to take a picture to prove that I was actually there, but he'd never choose to exclude photos that I was in, that's really shit, as was his reaction when you pointed it out.
I think you need to have a conversation about why he thought it was ok to erase you from the family?

Topseyt · 04/07/2020 22:03

Missing out pictures of you with the kids is rather dismissive of your role and importance within the family, so I can see why you are pissed off about that.

It was thoughtless of him.

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/07/2020 22:07

Personally it wouldn’t bother me as I refuse to have my face in 99% of photos we have. DP knows I have no interest in my face in a frame so it just wouldn’t happen in our house. However in your case it’s very odd isn’t it, that he chose to make a frame of just him and the kids. It would certainly make me question my relationship and whether he was still happy with me.

MrsDrudge · 04/07/2020 22:09

I’d be hurt, it’s thoughtless. YANBU