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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AiBU to feel envious/ jealous of ladies around me being pregnant or with a newborn?

27 replies

Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 20:40

When I say ladies I mean my close friends and those further afield in a wider friendship group.

I guess I know i am aibu and I don't entirely understand my own jealous feelings? I am 31 so I am at the age whereby a lot of my friends of a similar age are either pregnant or cradling their newborns. I feel jealous and envious and find myself wishing I was pregnant. Does this make me sound like a bitter cow?

I know i am only 31 and I still have time on my hands. I have health anxiety and I have a massive fear that I won't be able to have children. I am currently having some health checks after suffering some stomach / abdominal pains and I have convinced myself i am infertile. Even typing that makes me feel upset worrying about the results. I am sorry if this offends anyone that has struggled conceiving. Here I am worrying about a problem that may not even exist, I want to kick myself sometimes! I'm not sure whether this contributes to my jealous feelings? I find myself getting extremely broody and I really fear that my dream of having children will not ever happen. My good friend is having a socially distanced family gender reveal party tonight and I hate the fact that I feel a bit flat about it (I know this makes me a terrible friend doesnt it?) I wish i didn't feel this way!

I am in a long term relationship but unfortunately we aren't in the position to ttc yet due to a number of factors and set backs but, but hope to in the next couple of years, fingers crossed!

Perhaps it might be useful to ask for any advice on how to deal with these feelings and better myself? Has anyone else felt this way? Aibu to feel like this?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/07/2020 20:44

You feel how you feel. You can try and distract yourself by doing things you couldn’t do with a baby, or you can work towards it, for example by saving for maternity leave. Are you married? For me, that’s an essential step to take before children. Doesn’t require a big wedding.

moita · 04/07/2020 20:44

I feel for you op. I don't think it's unreasonable- I was the same when we were trying to conceive. And must be doubly hard during a pandemic.

No advice but be kind to yourself

WhiteCat1704 · 04/07/2020 20:46

Yanbu- your feelings are your feelings and valid..I can understand how you feel too BUT as a mother of a child who has not slept for the past 4 years I will say grass is always greener and all that...
Pregnancy, giving birth and early motherhood can be VERY VERY HARD!
If I were you I would SLEEE, binge watch what you like on netflix and invite ppl over to get drunk...just ENJOY!!!!
Once you have a babe it will all be gone...

inthethickofit19 · 04/07/2020 20:46

Difficult position but nothing you can do about it now. So I would focus on making a list of things you want to do before getting into the young family mode. Focus on your body and exercising/ strengthening it. Eating healthy. Enjoy late nights, lie ins and all the things you can't when you have a little baby.

I have a 3 year old and 14 month old, love them to bits. Dh and I had 6 years to ourselves before starting a family and I still feel at times that I didn't make the most of it! I never really thought about the limitations that children bring. I wish I had really strengthened my body and got a strong core beforehand.

babba2014 · 04/07/2020 20:48

Try not to. You will look back and think I should have enjoyed those years. Make the most out of what you have, in any situation.
At the moment, whether one is worries about Corona or not, it is a very unstable time in history and I bet you a lot of those pregnant or with newborns whole host of worries as life is not normal at all right now. Most things they would have gone to for a break are still closed. It is really tiring with a newborn. Whether it's the first baby or fourth.
I know it's easy for me to say from here but that is one thing I always look back on - not utilising the time in that situation to my best ability.

Sunshineonacloudyday20 · 04/07/2020 20:51

I am not married yet unfortunately but in a very happy relationship (I guess that's something and I should step back and realise how lucky I am to even have that) we have discussed marriage and we are both on the same wave length, but I'm not engaged yet but hoping to be soon!

We have temporarily moved into my partners parents as a short term measure before buying and moving into our own home. I guess with lockdown etc its kind of set us back and I know dp is waiting for us to move out before proposing. I am okay with this. Perhaps I am frustrated and jealous of those progressing with their lives? I dont know why I feel the way I do and I hate that I dont feel more genuine happiness for my friends who are great lovely people. Its not like I am not happy I just don't feel like i have the same happy energy I know i should do. Sorry I am rambling now!

I have just had a look on my Instagram and noticed about 60% of my feed is friends proudly displaying their pregnancy bumps or playing with their gorgeous babies. Maybe I should take a little social media break! Gah I am pathetic

Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 20:53

The above post was me, didnt log out of my siblings account on the family ipad, doh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 20:59

@babba2014 thank you - your absolutely right it must be a really worrying time for new mums in the current pandemic. I do need to make the most of the time dont I?
My biggest fault is worrying.. it sucks the life out my sometimes!

I imagine if I didnt worry that I would never be able to have childen I wouldnt have the same negative thoughts towards others!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 21:01

@WhiteCat1704 noted !!!!! Just having a glass of wine and about to watch netflix with dp. (Note to self - enjoy the peace and quiet time without noisy children) GrinWinkWine

OP posts:
CharityRoyall · 04/07/2020 21:01

Hi OP not any particularly helpful advice here (sorry) but I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same. I’m 29 in a long-term relationship and my friends are slowly getting pregnant one by one! I’m not ready for children yet financially or emotionally but every time a new pregnancy is announced I get horrific anxiety about it, even though of course I’m pleased for the couple. I worry I won’t be able to get pregnant, I worry I’m getting too old (I KNOW 29/early 30s is young but I think women are conditioned to believe that 30 is a cut off point for all sorts of things). I worry that I’m not in the right place I should be in my life.
I had a chat recently with a couple of other friends in similar situations to mine and it was such a relief when they admitted they feel exactly the same. They worry about fertility and about being left behind. It was really reassuring to know I wasn’t the only one who felt like that (though it didn’t alleviate my worries completely). I don’t know why but the anxiety seems specifically related to pregnancy and newborns like yours. I have a couple of friends with older children and that doesn’t bother me at all, if anything it puts me off 😂
My point is I think the way we feel is very common and is a perfectly legitimate concern at the kinds of ages we are. Like I said being in the same boat as you means I don’t have any advice but just know you’re not alone and one day we will be ready and in a position to TTC and if there is a problem we will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now focus on all the brilliant and exciting things you have going on in your own life - career wise, hobby wise, maybe when all this is over if in a position to plan a really amazing trip. I do empathise completely OP, it’s hard.

lucindalovescats · 04/07/2020 21:06

Don't beat yourself up or try and change how you feel. Your fears and concerns are not silly. As long as you aren't being mean to others I dont see the harm. All you can do is have the tests. Be kind to yourself.

2bazookas · 04/07/2020 21:09

Feeling broody is completely normal and natural.

.

JudithGrimesHat · 04/07/2020 21:12

I was similar to you once. Absolutely convinced I was infertile, even put off ttc because I knew it wouldn’t happen and I couldn’t bare knowing for sure.

I was so convinced, I got a bit too careless with birth control and got pregnant!

I now have 3 dc.

Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 22:30

@CharityRoyall thank you so much for your response , it really does mean a lot that I am not alone in feeling this way. Its like a true fear that it will never happen for us and im not even sure whether I am causing my abdominal pain by worrying or whether there genuinely is something wrong! (I know i sound bonkers!)

Friend has sent me a video and they are having a gorgeous boy. I am happy for her she seems over the moon in her video and her parents are in floods of tears! I still feel a bit emotional and icky tonight but I am sure it will pass! I am also in the middle of my cycle so maybe its also hormonal!

Maybe we will recognise each others name in a few years when we're both pregnant, laughing at us worrying for no reason!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 22:33

@lucindalovescats thank you for your message! No I'm never ever mean to others, infact no one would know how I feel its all very much hidden! It doesn't help both our parents keep hinting and suggesting we have dc as they are desperate for grandchildren! I feel pressured and it adds on to the frustration that we are just not quite there yet and ready to ttc =(

OP posts:
Rosiebelle17 · 04/07/2020 22:37

Hi
I was the person that couldn’t have kids and I had every possible test done to let me know I couldn’t
Three years later I have two babies under 3
Tests don’t always be right 😂

Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 22:44

@Rosiebelle17 thats absolutely fantastic news, so happy you were able to conceive.
Sorry if this is personal, but do you mind saying what your diagnosis was? Why did they suggest you wouldn't be able to conceive? You showed them, hey! Grin

OP posts:
Rosiebelle17 · 04/07/2020 22:50

I had low ovarian reserve, made myself change my eating habits to healthy
Stopped smoking and I walked
I think it was the walking that helped me
My head got over it and left my body heal

Rosiebelle17 · 04/07/2020 22:51

I also did acupuncture for fertility

Rosiebelle17 · 04/07/2020 22:53

I worried too all the time
Now I realise it was pointless as I couldn’t change the future by worrying
Positive thoughts
Send it out to the universe and it WILL happen

FriedasCarLoad · 04/07/2020 23:03

Totally understandable to feel like that.

I was about 30 when told I was infertile. I married at 37, had my honeymoon baby at 38, and my second baby due now I'm 39.

Don't give up hope. But also, allow yourself to grieve what you are currently not able to have.

Original poster
Blacktiewithadrinkinhand · 04/07/2020 23:06

@Rosiebelle17 thank you for your kind words and positivity!

@FriedasCarLoad another uplifting post, thank you so much for your kind words, I am genuinely chuffed that things worked out for you and you have managed to conceive, you must have been absolutely overjoyed! Do you mind me asking you why they thought you would be infertile?

OP posts:
Flythedragons · 04/07/2020 23:40

I remember feeling this way so well. YANBU!! I was convinced I could t have children after a traumatic pregnancy loss. Nearly all of my friends were pregnant or had new borns. Whilst our circumstances are different I understand your feelings entirely. Please be kind to yourself, take a social media break and try to make the most of being able to have a lie in!

It’s hard to feel happy for friends as they announce their pregnancies, but I’m sure you congratulate them as I did and plaster a smile on your face. Having a baby does not seal your happiness, infact having my two dc has been the hardest thing I ever done.

Give yourself a break Flowers

paddyclampitt · 04/07/2020 23:48

I am now in my 40s and have 2 teenagers! I had my first at 29. But in the years prior to this i had all the feeling you are having, OP.

I was completely paranoid that i was infertile ( i wasn't, I got pregnant very quickly) and when others got pregnant I felt i was getting left behind (even though these friends were mostly a few years older than me).

I think the feelings you are having are more common than you think! And definitely normal, in my experience!

scotlandg · 04/07/2020 23:55

Hi, I have pcos and was always slack with contraception with DH. Nothing happened. We then had clomid (low level amount) and baby boy 1 happened. Just as I was thinking how he would be an only child and trying to find out about if I could get clomid again - baby boy 2 happened completely naturally straight after I stopped breastfeeding our first. Then when I stopped feeding second (I fed them all until 14/16 months ish) then we were being careful but baby boy 3 happened. Lol he is our last and now husband has had the snip. So I went from sobbing about how I could never have children to ending up with being pregnant with my 3rd before my first was even 4 years old. I also struggled with pregnant ppl and was convinced all my friends would have them and I wouldn't. So you never know how things will turn out. For me because I stopped worried I think it made all the difference. Good luck and try not to worry. I honestly wish I hadn't wished away our time pre-kids as now we never get even a moment! (They are 6,4,2 so 🤣)