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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to financially cut off my mum to stop her drinking

38 replies

reducingfootprint · 04/07/2020 18:25

Me, two DB and DF (who separated from DM over 40 years ago) give my mum around 1k a month all together as she is an alcoholic and cannot afford her mortgage in the north east of england. She works and uses her income for her booze and cigarettes etc.
We paid off her credit card for xmas, 6k, and she has already maxed out new cards and is not paying bills and splashing the cash on useless stuff despite her monthly income being 2.4k and her monthly bills being £900.
Lately she is being sneaky; getting all 4 of us to pay for her parking tickets etc so making extra money.

We got together and decided the only way she will stop drinking is if she hits 'rock bottom' so have decided to stop sending her money even though she will for sure lose her house.

What would you do in this situation? We've paid for rehab, she was on medication, had therapy etc but didnt respond to it at all. Making her homeless seems so drastic but we feel its the only choice!!

OP posts:
raspberryk · 04/07/2020 18:27

All you're all doing is enabling her. She knows you'll bail her out.
My mum and ex are the same- both addicts.
I wouldn't financially support anyone in this manner ever.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 04/07/2020 18:27

I agree with you, it's not your place to fund her alcohol.

Flyingagainstreason · 04/07/2020 18:27

Blimey how much is she spending on booze and how does she keep up a job?
But yes in principle it’s the only thing you can do.

Original poster
reducingfootprint · 04/07/2020 18:33

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear she is a functioning alcoholic and works mon-fri full time.
a pack of cigarettes daily, 8 pints of name brand beer and gambling every day along with whatever new clothes etc she decided she wnats but will never wear!

OP posts:
Original poster
reducingfootprint · 04/07/2020 18:34

she has admitted she enjoys being a 'scrounger' so i guess we are just enabling her!

OP posts:
Flyingagainstreason · 04/07/2020 18:36

So it’s not just about the booze. In that case I think it’s imperative. Also she’s lying to you all.
The likelihood is she will lose her house though

babbi · 04/07/2020 18:37

You cannot get her to stop drinking..
only she can ever do that.
All you can do is stop enabling her by sending money .

I’m sorry, I’ve been there with an alcoholic...
trust me you are powerless to change this
She had to want to do it

FizzyPink · 04/07/2020 18:38

Gosh your poor family. £2.4k a month is a very high salary so that must be a fairly professional job.

I don’t have any wisdom for you OP but I think you’ve gone above and beyond supporting her for this long

madwoman1ntheattic · 04/07/2020 18:39

Most counsellors I have spoken to around the issue of alcoholism with family and close friends suggest making support (of any type) conditional on the affected person staying in treatment. With them giving permission for the ‘supporter’ to be in touch with the sponsor/ therapist or treatment service.
I have a close friend who is an alcoholic and her sister is in your position. Since withdrawing support, friend has actually managed to take responsibility for her own choices. She chooses to continue drinking, but is now able to cover her bills. She spent around four months technically homeless after being fired for her job (because drunk - she worked with children) and was evicted from her staff accommodation. She bought a cheap mobile home on a caravan site (from divorce proceedings - also as a result of drinking) and now lives a very ‘small’ life, completely opposite to ‘before’. We still worry about her, but now she knows she is responsible for herself, she has a roof, food, and the alcohol she prioritises, and pays for it herself. She once told me that she didn’t know if relationships with people (including her daughter) were ‘enough’ to give up drinking. For her, they weren’t. It’s really sad, but she made her choice. (Five rehab stays, two marriages, one child in care, drink-driving, arrests, non-mol orders etc etc)
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm.

Sparklesocks · 04/07/2020 18:39

I’ve had personal experience of this situation OP and I know how hard it is Flowers watching someone unravel and manipulate their loved ones as they fall is incredibly upsetting and of course you want to help. But you can’t really, they need to be able to help themselves and sometimes that means letting them fall.

Jazzled · 04/07/2020 18:40

Such a tough choice but I think she does need to hit rock bottom. She has no reason to stop when by all accounts she is living quite comfortably knowing you will all bail her out.

I would tell her and then if she continues to spend the way she is thats on her. You aren't responsible for her choices. She is.

Also Flowers

Chicchicchicchiclana · 04/07/2020 18:42

It's a no brainer isn't it? I'm surprised it's taken the lot of you such a long time to come to this conclusion. Have you ever heard of tough love? Even if it doesn't work you need to draw a line now and start prioritising yourselves.

You owe her nothing. Infact, she owes you, massively, in lost love, lost opportunites, lost peaceful nights, lost money! Forget that she's your mother if you possibly can.

madwoman1ntheattic · 04/07/2020 18:44

Sorry - should say the staff accom job wasn’t where she started. She was the training manager for an international hotel chain, on an extremely good wage, technically holding it together with a house, mortgage, child and husband, but ultimately couldn’t. The drinking killed it all, despite everyone’s huge efforts to support her through multiple rehabs.

ShandlersWig · 04/07/2020 18:47

She'll likely loose her house at some point down the line, but you might as well stop spending your money now as it's just getting wasted away.

julybaby32 · 04/07/2020 18:49

You are not making her homeless. She might make herself homeless, but that it a different matter. Also, you don't have to feel guilty about her lying to you in the past. It isn't your fault she is an addict. (arguable how much it is her's and I'm not giving an opinion here, but it certainly isn't yours. She does seem to have decided to be an unpleasant person. Not every alcoholic is that nasty to other people.) You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Apolloanddaphne · 04/07/2020 18:52

You are enabling her and it needs to stop.She will either sink or swim but the onus is on her and not on you.

cherryblossomgin · 04/07/2020 18:53

You can either keep enabling her or let her hit rock bottom. She wont get better until she wants to. I had alcoholics in my family and they were enabled until they died. Its so easy for me to say stop enabling her and let her hit rock bottom. YANBU. I would look at support for yourself too.

User0ne · 04/07/2020 19:03

I don't think you should continue to enable her.

I've been in a similar situation myself and I thought that hitting rock bottom would cause my mum to do something about it/change her behaviour. It didn't and she died 18m ago.

I know that I couldn't continue supporting her in the way I had been (due to the financial and emotional cost to me and my family) so I don't feel guilty about it. I am incredibly sad about it though.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2020 19:06

Cut her off. As a pp says, sadly, you are enabling her.

pointythings · 04/07/2020 19:11

Not enabling her is the right thing to do. Whether it makes her realise she should stop drinking is entirely her decision, nothing you can do to influence it. Good luck.

MinnieJackson · 05/07/2020 08:32

You all seem lovely and it must be so worrying for you. I would also stop the money but most addicts are notorious for doing anything to fund their habits, as you've seen with the parking tickets Sad if she cut down on the gambling and clothes would she still be able to afford the house? You are not at fault.

iffymiffy · 05/07/2020 08:46

You can’t stop her drinking. Only she can do that.

You absolutely can and should stop giving her money.

CherryPavlova · 05/07/2020 08:49

If it’s real, why are you subsidising someone who is earning plenty to live on? Are you all very affluent and in a much better position than her?

Perch · 05/07/2020 09:07

How very sad :(
Why does your dad still give her money?
How big is the mortgage? I would tell her you are stopping the money but you will buy the house from her so she always have a roof over her head, and an asset that you have been paying a long time for is not ‘lost’ too. Pay up the mortgage between the three of you and have the property in your names so she can’t use it as a source of finance, and then basically leave her to get on with it :( sounds like she has a pretty miserable existence, has she always been like this?

GreyishDays · 05/07/2020 09:10

@Turnedouttoes

Gosh your poor family. £2.4k a month is a very high salary so that must be a fairly professional job.

I don’t have any wisdom for you OP but I think you’ve gone above and beyond supporting her for this long

It’s about £36k, so apparently an average Uk salary.
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