AIBU to financially cut off my mum to stop her drinking

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Me, two DB and DF (who separated from DM over 40 years ago) give my mum around 1k a month all together as she is an alcoholic and cannot afford her mortgage in the north east of england. She works and uses her income for her booze and cigarettes etc.
We paid off her credit card for xmas, 6k, and she has already maxed out new cards and is not paying bills and splashing the cash on useless stuff despite her monthly income being 2.4k and her monthly bills being £900.
Lately she is being sneaky; getting all 4 of us to pay for her parking tickets etc so making extra money.

We got together and decided the only way she will stop drinking is if she hits 'rock bottom' so have decided to stop sending her money even though she will for sure lose her house.

What would you do in this situation? We've paid for rehab, she was on medication, had therapy etc but didnt respond to it at all. Making her homeless seems so drastic but we feel its the only choice!!

I think that's a good suggestion, Perch.

It won't be enabling her addictions, but it will stop her ending up on the street.

If your mum admits she enjoys scrounging and you know that she'll not change, then I don't think you have any choice.

Yes she needs to hit rock bottom.

I presumed the £2.4k included what she is being gifted from her kids.....?

I wouldn’t want her to lose her house, so I’d be tempted to just cover the mortgage payment. Would she agree to sign the house over to you and your DB if she understood how close she was to losing it? Could you get power of attorney? Presumably not, if she’s still managing to work 5 days a week. I think contacting Citizen’s Advice might be worthwhile, though.

Yeah I took it to be 2.4k a month after the kids and ex's top ups

I am wondering exactly the same thing as CherryPavlova??

I also assumed she's earning £1.4k and getting the other 1k from family to bring income up to 2.4k.

I think you do need to stop giving her the money but agree if there's some way to take over the house so it's not lost is a good idea.

Whilst she does need to hit rock bottom what would be the implications for you if she lost the house?

Another option may be for you all to have the house transferred into you and your DBs names and then charge her rent to cover the mortgage? If she doesn't pay the rent you can evict her (I know this sounds really horrible), but it may be enough to scare the shit out of her. Otherwise she's on her own and she risks losing the house.

Is she having any support with her alcohol, if so ask for her to let you speak to her support worker.

You should be aware that no woman has to spend her own money on alcohol - if she's desperate, an enabler will keep her drinking.

Cutting her off financially will not stop her drinking, if she wishes to continue doing so.

Wishing you, your mum and all your family the best.

@perch
mortgage is 500 a month with about 50kish left
dad feels guilty mostly as he blames himself for not saving us from her!

Gosh for the sake of £50k (sorry that sounds much more flippant than intended!) I would try and secure the asset, you have in a way been paying towards it for years anyway! And your monthly ‘contribution’ to your mum’s income must surely be almost the mortgage payment anyway, if you consider it’s effect on your monthly budget.

Could you say something like you (and dad and brother?) pay up the mortgage of £50k, she lives there for life and you maintain the property like a landlord would, so you could dress it up as benefit for her would be worry-free living. She doesn’t have to know that your actual intent is keeping a roof over her head! If she feels patronised it might kick Open another can of worms.

I really feel for you. I also have mum issues, but not as bad as yours. The obligation, the walking on eggshells, the verbal lashings :( but I can’t bring myself to go no contact, at the end of the day she is still my mum and she has alienated everybody else.

If she has a scrounger type of mentality you just have to dress it all up to her like that. I have learnt to play to my mum’s internal dialogue, it’s the only way I get anywhere with her. It’s all how I frame the conversation, if that makes sense, whether it’s healthcare, other people taking advantage, retirement decisions... the mindgames are so draining :(

Huge hugs x

Oh my, you say the 4 of you give your mum £1k per month as she cannot afford her mortgage, yet her mortgage is only £500.

She doesn't need to even try to give up alcohol when she has her family financing it. I think you'll need to talk to her with a view to withdrawing all financing unless she can prove she is attending AA and not drinking. You are just throwing money down the drain. You aren't helping her at all.

Is there any way you can contact her credit card companies and stop them extending credit and get them to freeze interest based on her being a vulnerable adult?

If you are prepared to let her lose the house then withdrawing all financial help may be the best thing you can do for her.