AIBU re getting upset over “ripped off with funeral cost”

[GlendaPickle]

Due to lockdown we have not seen our relatives and social distancing bbq.

My father passed away in November and on Christmas Day my husbands uncle made a snide comment that “you didn’t half get ripped off with the cost of your dads funeral”. I was livid I just walked away from him and my father in law rather than get involved in a row. Actions speak louder than words

When I told my husband a few weeks later he was horrified.

I have just cut off all contact since with this branch of the family.

When I see him Tonight I feel I must say something. But how do I approach it without making a scene?

I have no idea what caused this comment.

[tara66]

Maybe it was just a blurted out remark at the wrong time because that was what was going through his mind. Maybe you were ''ripped off'' - have you checked?

[Charleyhorses]

Is he Uncle Knobhead? Is like this with everybody?

[Thisismytimetoshine]

How did he know how much it cost, and why didn't you ask him what he meant? The drama...

[Thisismytimetoshine]

I have just cut off all contact since with this branch of the family.

When I see him Tonight I feel I must say something.

These two statements directly contradict each other. How do you plan to cut all contact whilst still seeing him? Socially distant taken to a new level?

[cabbageking]

I think when anyone dies the cost of a funeral is a shock.
We paid £4200 during Covid for a basic no flowers funeral. With £1200 going to the Council and Doctor from this.
To an outsider it didn't reflect the cost perhaps? I wouldn't have been offended if someone thought it too much.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

The comment was designed to hurt OP's feelings
Not necessarily. It obviously had a wider context eg how uncle knew about the costs, why someone had told him. The comment could have been designed to agree with another relative. The uncle might have thought he was agreeing with the OP. There's too little here.
And I have arrange a funeral for a parent and for a DPIL. A comment about the costs wouldn't even have registered as something to be upset or offended about. Nobody has time to price match everything on a funeral so there will always be something you paid too much for.

[im5050]

I know it’s not what the OP was asking but I paid £2850 for my mums funeral in December
Included family limo, and extra limo order of the service and all the associated funeral cost .

The funeral directors were lovely a women only firm and my mum would have been well chuffed at that .
A further £500 on flowers & £400 for the food afterwards .
If my brother had his way he would have used the funeral director next to his local pub because it would have been convenient for him 😂but would have cost £2000 more just for the funeral it’s self

[CluelessBaker]

You have really lost the plot here I’m afraid. Sorry for your grief. Maybe that it affecting your reasoning.

I’m truly struggling to imagine what it must be like to be nasty enough to make a comment like this.

[Chewbecca]

I don't understand why the comment was insensitive & therefore really don't understand why you would cut the family off over it or what is to be said tonight.

[CluelessBaker]

OP - I’m so sorry for your loss. That was without a doubt a wildly insensitive and hurtful comment for your husband’s uncle to make. It’s impossible to see how anyone could think it otherwise.

I don’t think you need to confront him about it now. You made your feelings known by walking away at the time - you’re right that actions speak louder than words. You will only drag up old hurt for yourself by bringing it up again.

I hope you are healing

[Twillow]

If I understand this right, you are going to see him tonight at a BBQ?

You are upset about his comment. I think you should ask yourself if it was intended to be hurtful. Perhaps he is a person who thinks about the costs of things more than you do. And you took it as disrespectful to what you had organised?
Perhaps as someone else said you really did get ripped off.
If I really wanted to have it out, there's no point in making an argument over it. Have a discussion. Let's call him Frank.

"Frank, can I ask you about something that's been worrying me? Do you remember when you said I'd been ripped off over dad's funeral? What did you mean by that?"

[Quarantimespringclean]

I’d smile and be polite but keep away from him as much as possible. It doesn’t seem worth spoiling a family event over a stupid comment someone made 6 months ago.

[fourquenelles]

Let's imagine a scenario*. Your father dies and as his daughter you arrange his funeral. You try to do him proud and take time and care with all the arrangements always thinking "Is this what he would have wanted?" "Have I got this right?"

Now imagine that a relative by marriage sees you later and says you were ripped off seemingly sneering at all your efforts.

Wouldn't you be a bit pissed off?

*disclaimer only the OP knows the full background

[TheBouquets]

When a person has just lost a close family member I think that person should be treated with delicacy. I wonder if it was a general comment about funerals being costly or if he actually knew how much was paid. I had a two bereavements over a short period of time and the amount of people who asked questions about things they had no real right to know was unbelievable. I had not realised how insensitive another human being could be. It was not just one person in my case it was several. It is no-one else's business how much the funeral costs. Questioning financial details is not something I think is right either.
If you meet with a person who is bereaved the only thing you should say is sorry for your loss and then see how the person wishes to continue the conversation or maybe they do not want to have a conversation, either way starting to discuss the financial aspects of a funeral is not decent or polite.
OP I am so sorry for your loss. I agree that any remarks about the funeral or costs were completely inappropriate.

[endlessginandtonic]

I believe most funerals to be very overpriced for what you get therefore a bit of a rip off.
It is possible that that this is what the uncle was saying.
Even if it wasn't grief often doesn't bring out the best in people.
Your reaction which seems quite extreme may well also have been impacted by grief.
Overall this really doesn't seem worth causing a major family rift for, if this is your only issue putting it aside and moving on seems sensible.

[NerrSnerr]

Maybe you were ripped off? If you've cut off contact why are you seeing them?

[stealm]

I wouldn't mention it to him and try to just chat to him normally. It isn't worth cutting off a whole branch of the family for.
It was thoughtless and insensitive of him. He might not have been directly criticizing you. Who knows what his motives were.

I had relatives say similar to me about my Dad's funeral but they phrased it a bit better. More like "Wow, so expensive".

I think the costs of a funeral are a lot more than people might expect. If they haven't had the misfortune to organize one recently they will be out of touch with the costs. If it was a burial it would be more expensive than a cremation. You also have to buy a grave for a burial and the costs to the council are very expensive. If you have a religious service as well you have to pay for the place of worship. If you pick anything more than the most basic coffin it's going to be more expensive. I did pick a slightly more expensive coffin for my Dad as the cheapest one really did look awful.
My Dad's was around 5000 pounds. I don't feel I was ripped off. It was always going to be more expensive for him as he wanted a big church service (organist had to be paid too), the graveyard was miles away from the church, the grave was really expensive, he wanted a wake too so that was more money. It was an out-of-area burial as he was living in another county when he died but there was no question of him not being buried where he had spent most of his life - this doubled the fees to the council.
I don't begrudge him it at all - even if other family members thought it was too expensive. I was paying for it and was able to afford it. The undertaker was absolutely fantastic the whole time - really professional. I organized the whole thing from abroad too and they were nothing short of fantastic.
It depends on whether you feel you were ripped off or not. If you gave your Dad the send off you and he wanted and you were happy with the service you received from the undertaker then you weren't ripped off.
It doesn't matter what someone else says.

[PirateWeasel]

To the PPs who can't see why it was a bad thing to say... It was disrespectful because what person in their right mind would discuss money at a time when someone is filled with grief. It was offensive because it implied the OP was stupid to 'fall for' the high price. And it was rude because the cost was none of his business.

[BarbedBloom]

To be honest I can see why he may think that. My nan was horrified at the cost of everything when my grandfather died. Some of the costs were ridiculous. The florist put up the price when she realised they were funeral flowers from the notice in the paper. I know because we bought the exact same bouquets normally, which was why we wanted to use them. The cost for the cars was astronomical as well.

This is why all of my immediate family are now opting for a no frills service, just straight cremation, no ceremony except for maybe a gathering in the park.

I think a lot can depend on how he said it though. Any comment can sound nasty with a certain tone of voice. I do think cutting off the whole side of the family is a little extreme though as it was him who said it. Maybe give it some time and see how you feel once everything isn't so raw and painful.

I am very sorry for your loss

[ChicCroissant]

Now imagine that a relative by marriage sees you later and says you were ripped off seemingly sneering at all your efforts.

Making a remark about the cost isn't sneering at the OP's efforts or the funeral that took place IMO.

As I said in my original post, funerals cost a lot more than people anticipate or expect.

[LondonJax]

Don't bring up the subject but if it does come up just say 'well, my dad was worth it so it's not up for debate' and leave it at that.

[Alsohuman]

@PirateWeasel

To the PPs who can't see why it was a bad thing to say... It was disrespectful because what person in their right mind would discuss money at a time when someone is filled with grief. It was offensive because it implied the OP was stupid to 'fall for' the high price. And it was rude because the cost was none of his business.

Exactly this. Let it go, OP, it’s water under the bridge now, despite being hurtful and insensitive.

[Choice4567]

You never asked what he meant? Why were you offended?

[Beautiful3]

All funerals are a rip off, just like weddings! I wouldn't have fallen out with some one, over that one comment. But I understand as you're feeling raw, as you've lost your father. Just try to let go of the comment and move on.

[rawlikesushi]

For me it would depend on the person who said it, and the context.

So is the culprit usually a decent person who can occasionally blurt out something insensitive without thinking? Or a genuinely cruel person who intentionally set out to hurt you at a vulnerable time?

If you were all discussing how much the food cost and s/he said something like 'you were ripped off there, they usually only charge £8ph' then that's entirely different to them asking how much you spent and then scoffing at your gullibility 'because the food's rubbish' or similar.