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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the problem or is dp....

40 replies

FortniteBoysMum · 03/07/2020 23:35

Any one else ever feel like it would be easier being a single parent. My partner seems to think I let our autistic child get away with too much but there is a difference in knowing when to pick your battles and this surely is one not too. I feel like my other half(his dad) just doesn't under stand him. He thinks alot of it is him being naughty and makes it ten times harder blaming me for not being strict. Like his off back to work in the morning and surprise suprise his just told our son his removing all his console time tomorrow. Why you might wonder? Because he didn't want to go back into our room and turn off a light switch. Our eldest forgets to do this all the time and I just turn it off then tell him. Instead he makes a huge fuss about it trys force him do it. Guess who will pay the price tomorrow when his bored with nothing to do. It won't be him sat at work but me with him in a bad mood starting on his brother all day. My son is currently telling me how mean I am and that he hates me and wants to shoot himself. I'm honestly at breaking point I'm so exhausted.

OP posts:

Rhynswynd · 03/07/2020 23:38

I would let my child have the console. I would also remind dh that if he wants to enforce rules that make my life harder then it is something he has to discuss with me first and have my agreement. Dh doesn't get to Swan off to work and leave a shitshow in his wake.

fallfallfall · 03/07/2020 23:42

discipline is really something both of you need to be on the same page about and be consistent. neither of you are right both of you need to sit down and find out what is and isn't realistic in your son's case.

endofthelinefinally · 03/07/2020 23:44

Your dp is the problem.
It is completely selfish to come up with an inappropriate punishment for something trivial, then leave you to deal with the fall out.
He is a bully.

Original poster

FortniteBoysMum · 03/07/2020 23:55

@Rhynswynd if only it was that easy. His set a password for a timer on the xbox ages ago and I do not know it because he said I will give extra time. Same with kids tablets. Feel like one of the kids sometimes.

@fallfallfall I am fairly consistent with him. I try to judge what is him being a little sod and what is him on the verge of a meltdown and caused by frustration. My dp seems to think alot of his issues are me not telling him to stop being stupid. Like him having to clean anything touched by his brother and freaking out if his brother touches him. Brother is a teen and will only wash after being nagged at. Doesn't care about his appearance. My ASD son appears to have developed a thing about him since lock down guessing it's to do with germs. Today his brother touched him he freaked out I chose to ignore it let him go wash his foot it does me no harm so dp told me it's my fault his being stupid I should stop him. Doesn't under stand if I did it would cause him to shutdown for hours. He just doesn't understand him

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 03/07/2020 23:56

Spoiler, yes it is easier to be a single parent. Far easier.

endofthelinefinally is right. It's not on to come up with a heavy-handed punishment and then leave all the enforcement to you. You need to sit down and talk to him about it.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 04/07/2020 19:22

All he did was not turn off a light switch...... Stick up for your son you know your partners being a bully and you are allowing it. I feel sorry for your son and agree you are mean. Poor child.

imnottoofussed · 04/07/2020 19:28

Maybe the not switching off the light is the final straw of multiple other things that the child doesn't do when asked to? I'm not sure you can label the man a bully based on just the one incident. I agree that if there is to be a punishment it shouldn't impact on the other parent alone though.

Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2020 19:35

He hasn’t accepted his son’s diagnosis.

That’s not an excuse - but he obviously thinks he can ignore it or shout it out of him.

It’s time to either tell him to learn and get on board with your son’s condition or split. Your son will be damaged by his behaviour in the long run. Autistic children need different treatment and that’s just the way it is.

Gncq · 04/07/2020 19:40

That sounds awful.

I'd demand the code and tell your DP to stop being a controlling bully, to you and the children. Tell him you're not going to be the one who manages the arbitrary punishments he has chosen for your son.

ipooedinthesink · 07/07/2020 05:42

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Limpshade · 07/07/2020 05:49

Hmm.

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though your son was repeatedly asked to do quite a small thing (turn off a light switch) and refused. I can see why your DH would be annoyed by that.

On the other hand, it sounds like your DH has a short temper and overreacted.

It sounds like you could both do better at working together to parent.

My DD is autistic and I tend to be more flexible than my DH on what constitutes acceptable behaviour; if she is having a very bad day, I am more willing to let the small things slide. My DH believes in consistency no matter what. So we don't always agree but we try our best to meet in the middle, and we don't debate about it in the front of the kids. A full day of no console sounds extreme, unless your DS was very defiant and rude about the light switch thing.

ipooedinthesink · 07/07/2020 05:51

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SteelyPanther · 07/07/2020 06:26

You are not the problem and it sounds like it would be easier being a single parent.

slipperywhensparticus · 07/07/2020 06:31

Yes its harder when the other parent won't accept a diagnosis and all day punishment don't work especially if they are the following day how will that teach anyone a lesson

If he wants an all day punishment he stays home

Velvian · 07/07/2020 07:23

Are you able to work, op? I think that would go a long way to redressing the balance and enabling you to go it alone. I would advocate working even if you don't make a profit after childcare.

The password thing sounds like your DP is controlling. I'm guessing you're not married either, so you have no claim on the assets he is building while benefitting from your free labour.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/07/2020 07:46

Normally I think parents need to work together, but in this case I would undermine dp. Get a tech savvy friendly over to reset all the times and passwords and don't give dp the password.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 07/07/2020 08:16

So he won't give you the password either? Because he doesn't trust you?

Fuck that shit.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 07/07/2020 08:18

Punishment should never be worst than tbe crime. Your dp is wrong.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 07/07/2020 08:19

Sounds like he is punishing you and ds for him having autism...
My exh had a ds with DS and this feels similar..
He is a controlling bully and you need to get rid..

Amber2019 · 07/07/2020 08:27

Sounds like your partner needs to get more information on your sons diagnosis. If he had all the facts and accepted it you could both then work together on which battles to pick.
I used to be a single parent for 12 years and yes it is easier, not because my partner isnt wonderful, he is, but when it was just me and my kid we adjusted to his asd and all decisions were for me and one child. I didnt have to discuss and see from another viewpoint. Now I have a partner and another child so I cant just do what I decide is right.
You definitely need your partner to get on board with diagnosis and realise it's not just bad behavior and you enabling, for your childs benefit as well as your own.

GemmeFatale · 07/07/2020 08:27

I’d get up in the morning and leave. He can manage the day at home, alone with the kids without the console.

He’ll just have to call work and take a day’s leave

Original poster

FortniteBoysMum · 07/07/2020 08:32

@Velvian yes I work full time but am currently on furlough.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 07/07/2020 08:33

I find the concept that he doesnt allow you the x box password awful

Would talking to him helo or tell him fine but he is dealing with it today rather than working

Also though maybe some help in managing - spending that amount of time on the x box isnt necessarily a good thing either

Velvian · 07/07/2020 08:38

Glad you're working. He does not sound like a team player. Is he more of a 'lord and master' type? I would not stick around to be party to that.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/07/2020 08:43

He sounds like a bit of a controlling arse, to be honest.

DH and I are sometimes not on the same page re our autistic 14 year old. We don't pit ourselves against one another - or against him, and we talk through what we're aiming for. It took DH longer than me to understand, accept and begin to manage his emotions around DS1's autism diagnosis. Regardless of those things, he still had to learn because the alternative would have been us pulling in opposite directions and that's not successful parenting.

I wouldn't accept DH announcing a consequence he wasn't there to enforce, though, if it was something that would tip DS over the edge or ensure a day of misery for me. You need to have an open and frank conversation about how you and your DH need to meet in the middle - he can't be pulling rank and expecting you to comply.

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