To make ‘a bigger fuss’ of single friend on her birthday?

[NotOneSaturdayNightPlan]

Her birthday is September so hopefully we’re out of this completely.

Out of our wee group of 6, the youngest is single. Everyone else is married or in a long term relationship.

I think we should try and organise something for her 30th. I don’t mean anything big like a holiday, I just suggested that we all make the commitment now to spend the day together. It takes bloody forever to get something organised due to shifts/ childcare etc which is why I’m suggesting it now.

One of the others said we didn’t do that for anyone else’s birthday, but tbh everyone else spent it with their DP.

AIBU?

As someone who's been single for a lot of my life, I think it's a lovely thing to do. It's rare for people accustomed to long term relationships to think through what is like to be single. Friends fill a more central place in your life.

I wouldn't feel patronised, Id feel cared about.

On my 50th my now exH did nothing.
My kids were too young and ASD so couldn't be left whilst I went out.
My best friend invited me to hers, and she and her H poured me fizz and she cooked a special & delicious meal for me. Our kids played together.
I appreciated it very very much. It reminded me that I am worthwhile.

We will ask her first! It’s just a bit of a nightmare getting us all in the one place, between shifts, dps’ shifts, childcare etc.

YANBU. It is a nice thing to do.

But - you do sound like you feel sorry for her because she is single. Being single does not necessarily mean that she is sad and lonely. I've been single for ages and I'm happy that way.

I’m single and a friend couple recently made a bit of a fuss over me and arranged a very low key birthday celebration for me and it was so lovely. I really hate my birthday normally as no one does anything for it so it was lovely that someone took the effort to think of me and make me feel loved.

YANBU - it’s absolutely the right thing to do! Your other friend is being a bit of a dick...

My birthday was Wednesday.

I got nothing from my parents (long term divorced, so 2 non pressies?), siblings (all well off), and no one helped my youngest get me a gift. Eldest is away working near her other grandparents but sent a card.

I spent the day on my own (youngest in bed with period pain/doing school work) feeling crap.

Two best friends went together to a garden gathering by their mutual friend. Nothing from them.

So your idea is amazing. Please be my friend!

Happy birthday OhMyDarling I’m sorry yours didn’t go so well.

I think it’s a lovely idea! It’s a milestone birthday, I’m sure she’d love to celebrate with her closest friends and enjoy that you’ve all made an effort!

@OhMyDarling

My birthday was Wednesday.

I got nothing from my parents (long term divorced, so 2 non pressies?), siblings (all well off), and no one helped my youngest get me a gift. Eldest is away working near her other grandparents but sent a card.

I spent the day on my own (youngest in bed with period pain/doing school work) feeling crap.

Two best friends went together to a garden gathering by their mutual friend. Nothing from them.

So your idea is amazing. Please be my friend!

Happy belated birthday @OhMyDarling [Thanks]

That should have been

Bit weird of your other friends to object. I think it's lovely to make time to celebrate your friend, whatever her relationship status, and 30 is a milestone birthday so of course you recognise it.

Although I would caution against assuming that her life is lonely and empty without a romantic partner, If you're doing it because you love her rather than because you pity her, then you can't go wrong.

You sound like a lovely friend, she is lucky to have you. If I were her, I wouldn't feel patronised, just treasured.

You obviously mean well, but I'd feel patronised and singled out, and you do sound as if you regard her single status as somehow pitiable.

That sounds like a lovely thing to do. But how do you know the others spent the day "celebrating" with their DP?
I assume everyone assumed the same for me, seeing as only one of my friends wished me a happy birthday. But "D"H only told the DC the night before, so I got two scribbled cards and some biscuits and a bottle of wine that the IL's had brought the weekend before when they visited. Plus a very panicked and upset child in the morning as DH had told them they needed to go to a shop to buy me a cake without telling me. There is no shop in our village and he didn't give them any money

You sound nice OP. Can you be my friend too?

I was single on my 30th and my friends made an extra effort. I still remember and love them for it.

I have a single friend and try to make more fuss of her on her birthday than I do my friends with family. Not to patronise her but because its just a nice thing to do. She is equally kind in return to me.

Forget your other friends. Why don't you ask her if you can spend the day with her. Then when she let's you know what she might like to do you can ask her if she'd like you to let the others know. Up to them what they choose.

Honestly, trying to get people with partners to understand why you want to make a fuss of single friend’s birthday may raise animosity against your friends among those that do not understand anymore about being single on your birthday.

Also, single doesn’t mean lonely, she may have plans with family and friends to celebrate. If I were you I would ask (Discretely) if anyone wants to do something special for her birthday and do something then with only those who want, but don’t pressure anyone. The worst that could happen is for single friend and you to have a day out together and that is already a very good plan.

We do this - group of three school friends, two of us married with kids, the other still living at home and single. Her family aren't big into celebrations, plus she's forked out for countless weddings, housewarmings, baby gifts etc. Other friend and I have quietly stopped buying each other presents over the years but buy for single friend otherwise she may well get nothing. I don't think she sees it as pity at all, and has often remarked that she's glad that we get it when she needs a bit of extra support with something where we would talk through an issue with our partners instead.

@sangrias

Sounds great and I would appreciate that if I were the friend.

Having arranged all my own milestone parties, I'd have loved it if my friends had done this when I was single.

@Dilatory

You obviously mean well, but I'd feel patronised and singled out, and you do sound as if you regard her single status as somehow pitiable.

Sorry I meant to quote this one 🙄

Oh my goodness that’s such a lovely thing to do for your friend!

I’m a single parent and nobody acknowledged my 30th birthday (apart from on Facebook).

My family are off the belief that birthdays stop when you become an adult (even though I buy them on their birthdays).

I get no cards or presents from anyone and I’ve never, ever been ‘out’ on my birthday. That sounds quite sad but it’s okay, I buy myself a present every year to make up for it.

If I was your friend I would be so appreciative!

Oh god I would hate this. I couldn't bear to be with people who thought my single status = object of pity. A milestone party for any in your group sounds totally normal. I don't really understand the relevance of her being single. That does, to me, imply that you see her differently, and as an object of pity. It's a young mindset perhaps, maybe I was like that at 30 when in fairly new long term relationships.

You know her best. This thread shows a lot of people would love it. All I can say is that some would hate it.

In my experience, men are quite disappointing at this kind of thing. Women, married and single, turn to each other for these celebrations. Maybe that's just my circle of friends.

@Snigletted your partner sounds awful. Are you thinking of leaving?

Why does pity have the be the motivation to do this? They love her and want to make her feel happy, special and loved on her birthday. It's not pity it's love. Yeah for love! Please do this OP.