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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I say something?

28 replies

GrannyBags · 03/07/2020 18:55

Long story - sorry!
DH and I have been married 13 years. His brother got divorced around the same time DH and first wife split up (around 15 years ago). MIL still has large pictures of both son’s weddings in her lounge. It has never bothered me - she also has smaller pictures up of our wedding and all the grandchildren. But BIL is now getting married and future SIL has told me that she finds it really weird and a bit upsetting. She has asked me to support her in speaking to MIL. I’m torn - I can see why she finds it weird after all this time but it’s MILs house and she should be allowed to have whatever pictures she likes. I get on really well with new SIL and want her to feel welcome but I can’t honestly say it bothers me.
So
YABU - SIL is wrong, stay out of it
YANBU - SIL is right, it’s weird.

OP posts:
I8toys · 03/07/2020 19:14

Yes its odd unless she sees the ex SIL regularly and they are great friends. Its over.

omg35 · 03/07/2020 19:17

It's odd but it's MILs house. If BIL has kids with his ex wife she might want then to see their parents happy? I don't know

CareBear50 · 03/07/2020 19:18

It is up to bil to raise this gently with his parents

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/07/2020 19:20

When you say both their weddings, do you mean bride and groom, or family photos from the wedding?

Are their children involved from any marriages?

Either way, I think you're right to stay out of it, nobody can dictate what they choose to put up in their home.

Ellisandra · 03/07/2020 19:20

SIL is being completely unreasonable because the only person she should be asking to speak to MIL, is her own boyfriend.

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2020 19:21

I’d support her, because it’s not about if it bothers you, unless youre very selfish and lack empathy it’s about whether you can put yourself in her shoes and if it would bother you then.

It would bother most people and it’s highly insensitivr of mil but why isn’t her future husband addressing it with his mother? Why is she having to do it and why is she asking your support and not his.

Original poster
GrannyBags · 03/07/2020 19:21

Neither ex visits anymore. Children are all grown up and married. Late Fil wanted her to take them down - they are massive ‘oil painting’ type things in gilt frames.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/07/2020 19:23

Would it bother most people?

It would only bother me if it was part of a wider picture of MIL frequently crying over the divorce and telling my boyfriend I’d never be as good 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t care.

Russell19 · 03/07/2020 19:26

Ahhh I bet they were expensive that's why they are still there....nothing to do with the ex wives. At my DH friends house they have a photo of them and my DH's ex gf and when I see it I just get anger inside of me so I get it! I also understand though that they must just like that photo and I know they don't even speak to DH's ex anymore.

StudyBuddy · 03/07/2020 19:26

It's her life, it's her house. You don't get to decide what's in someone else's house unfortunately. Unless it's illegal or dangerous, you can't really complain. Perhaps a gentle nudge - like printing off big prints of your wedding photos for her. Anything more than that is rude.

saraclara · 03/07/2020 19:27

Nope. Not your role.

If she needs backup, that's what her partner is for.

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2020 19:32

It would only bother me if it was part of a wider picture of MIL frequently crying over the divorce and telling my boyfriend I’d never be as good

Really? So if you were getting remarried you’d not care if your future mil has a massive gilt framed oil painting of his last wedding on full display in the house? That’s unusual.

SamSeabornforPresident · 03/07/2020 19:34

It wouldn't bother me. It's obviously just part of the room now. I'd certainly not speak to her myself - maybe just one of the sons, in a casual way. Maybe she's upset by the divorces, or maybe she just likes the pictures.

ThickFast · 03/07/2020 19:34

Why does she want you to support her rather than her partner? I wouldn’t get involved, especially as it doesn’t bother you

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2020 19:37

I wouldn't touch this mess with a barge pole. Only drama and a broken relationship with your MIL will result. If SIL feels that strongly about it, needs to to talk to her husband and your MIL.

TerrapinStation · 03/07/2020 19:38

@Bluntness100

It would only bother me if it was part of a wider picture of MIL frequently crying over the divorce and telling my boyfriend I’d never be as good

Really? So if you were getting remarried you’d not care if your future mil has a massive gilt framed oil painting of his last wedding on full display in the house? That’s unusual.

I'm not sure it would bother me either, I wouldn't get involved in what other people display in their homes
vincettenoir · 03/07/2020 19:42

You can be supportive to SIL’s feelings while remaining honest with her about the fact that you don’t mind about the photos. It’s her battle to fight.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/07/2020 19:51

Most people get so used to pictures they've had up for ages they don't see them any more like nose blind = picture blind
Also its probably a nice picture of her sons / her/ family
Unless she is unduly attached to the ex wives she will probably happily put them away when it's pointed out to her

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/07/2020 19:51

Most people get so used to pictures they've had up for ages they don't see them any more like nose blind = picture blind
Also its probably a nice picture of her sons / her/ family
Unless she is unduly attached to the ex wives she will probably happily put them away when it's pointed out to her

CrazyToast · 03/07/2020 21:40

I voted YABU cos I do think you should stay out of it, but yeah its weird and I see why new SIL doesnt like it.

Ellisandra · 03/07/2020 22:59

@Bluntness100 although my post is after the gilt frame update, we must have been writing at the same time, as I didn’t see that before I replied.

The only thing it changes is that I’d say I’d find the photo hideous, I’m sure!!! But still - no, I don’t think I’d care. As a PP said, I think people are picture blind - and it sounds expensive. I actually have a wedding photo from my widower husband’s first marriage opposite me now... his first wife scrubbed up better on the big day than I did Grin I have my faults, jealousy isn’t one.

saraclara · 03/07/2020 23:31

There was a lovely photo of my husband with an ex girlfriend (a very brief relationship) on my PILs front room right up to the day my then widowed MIL had to move out to her care home. By then DH and I had been married for 38 years!

I had a fantastic relationship with my lovely in laws, and they loved me very much. It was just a photo, and none of us gave it a thought.

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 04/07/2020 01:23

It's weird and you should stay out of it, so I haven't voted.
If SIL has an issue it's something she should seek support from her husband with.

CalmdownJanet · 04/07/2020 01:45

I voted yabu because I think it hasn't bothered you for 13 years so let sil off to fight her own battles, her "looking for support" is just another way of saying she doesn't want to be the bad guy alone and wants safety in numbers, nope, let her too it

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 04/07/2020 05:15

are we here again, with "eradicating" the past? Your SIL is joining a family with history -she needs to accept that.

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