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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separated parents - my ex is looking for unreasonable contact after a year of no contact.

31 replies

Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 10:54

I split up with my baby’s dad when she was only 8 days old. After the separation he would only see her whenever I took her round to see him, he would never ask to see her and would more often than not cancel plans that I did make, it would always be the 3 of us that would go out to do something for they two to spend time together, he was never alone with her. He then went to Ibiza with no return flight home when she was around 3 months old and was away for some time, once he returned we didn’t hear anything more from him. He blocked my number so I was unable to contact him to arrange a time for him to see our daughter.

He is an avid drug taker and near the end of the relationship became very violent towards me, throughout the whole relationship he was very mentally abusive and controlling. He has also had many public threats made against him and the address he resides at due to money he is due other people, as well as his car getting smashed up several times too.

Within the first week of our daughters life when we didn’t stay together he would never make a bottle or change a nappy, my mum would come to stay to help with night feeds where me and my mum would sleep on the sofas downstairs with my daughter in a next to me between us and he would sleep upstairs in our bed. This happened every night until I left him.

After no contact with his daughter for almost a year now he has raised court proceeding against me and is looking to have our daughter twice a week 6pm one day to 4pm the next, 2 weeks during summer holidays and a week during birth Christmas and Easter. I’m not entitled to legal aid and will have to pay his expenses if he wins in court.

He now has a new girlfriend who is also expecting a child with him later on this year, so fear ever more than two children will be too much for him never mind just the one.

I don’t feel this is safe for my child to be in his care for this lengthy period after having no contact for such a long time and also don’t feel he has proven that these threats have now stopped so don’t want my child to be in his car or home if something danger could break out at any time. Surely a judge won’t grant this?

Please anyone with advice help me out.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/07/2020 10:56

Why would you have to pay his fee's in a family law court?

SunbathingDragon · 03/07/2020 10:57

Did he not contact you to try to arrange this amicably first of all?

CluelessBaker · 03/07/2020 10:59

Are you sure you aren’t entitled to legal aid? Usually where there has been domestic violence you are.

It is very unlikely this will be granted - it’s clearly not in the best interests of your daughter.

Write down a timeline of when he left you with the baby and failed to show up to meetings etc. Also write down any specific instances you can recall when he abused you or took drugs.

You will need to explain to the judge that he was abusive to you, that he is a stranger to your daughter, and that you don’t trust him to care for her.

wineandroses1 · 03/07/2020 11:01

How old is your daughter and has she had any contact with him recently? Does she even know who he is?

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2020 11:05

Yes, why do you think you need to pay his legal fees if he ‘wins’?

You can represent yourself and there are lots of resources online.

I’m not being glib - you need to get organised but you can do it!

Antipodeancousin · 03/07/2020 11:07

My understanding is that unless you have evidence that your daughter is unsafe with him he will eventually get unsupervised contact with your daughter. You may be able to put forward a case to the judge that he needs to build up to this level of access slowly from a supervised contact centre to unsupervised daytime visits and then on to overnights. Hopefully he gets bored/loses interest when his current relationship breaks down and leaves you alone.
The family court system is deeply flawed in my opinion.

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2020 11:07

@CluelessBaker

Are you sure you aren’t entitled to legal aid? Usually where there has been domestic violence you are.

It is very unlikely this will be granted - it’s clearly not in the best interests of your daughter.

Write down a timeline of when he left you with the baby and failed to show up to meetings etc. Also write down any specific instances you can recall when he abused you or took drugs.

You will need to explain to the judge that he was abusive to you, that he is a stranger to your daughter, and that you don’t trust him to care for her.

You need your DV to be recorded by police, social services or your GP so if you haven’t reported it properly Legal Aid isn’t awarded.

Which is an absolute travesty.

Redannie118 · 03/07/2020 11:09

Have you had legal/ court papers or is this just what he has said? You would NEVER pay his expenses in a family court

LouiseTrees · 03/07/2020 11:22

I posted before that someone in your situation could get a grant from a women’s charity. I would try first off women’s aid then gingerbread.org.uk advice line then childlawadvice.org.uk

knittingaddict · 03/07/2020 11:29

A family member has just finished 18 months of family court.

The father took her to court.

There was domestic abuse on his side.

Family member got legal aid.

Father had to pay all his court and solicitors expenses.

At no time was it a possibility that my family member had to pay his expenses.

Legal aid will have to be paid back when the divorce settlement goes through, but legal aid is usually charged at a cheaper rate than those who don't have it. I'm assuming that your not married, so this won't be relevant to you.

Hope that helps.

knittingaddict · 03/07/2020 11:36

Generally speaking family courts take the child's welfare as their first priority.

If he hasn't seen the child for a year and the child is very young then I strongly doubt that he will get the kind of contact he wants straight away. He will have to prove that he is capable of being a parent and that takes time. Your child doesn't know their father at all and will be a complete stranger to them and the courts should take that into account. No promises though because you can't guarantee anything.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2020 11:37

How comfortable would you be to involve social services?
They may be a great help in this situation.

atomicblonde30 · 03/07/2020 11:46

I’m a SW in child protection and I really think you should give your local SS team a call or even NSPCC who can refer on to us or the multi-agency teams.

I would not be happy with this contact he is proposing given the history and lack of contact and would happy support you through the court process, we can help gain you legal aid if possible/grants from charities etc.

Given women’s aid a call also and google any local charities that support women with abusive ex partners, they can all help you.

Phone around solicitors and see if any do the free half hour and go for a chat with them, in you shoes I would push for a supervised contact centre and ensure there is an iron clad contact order is place.

Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 15:55

It says on the court order that if he was to win that I would need to pay his expenses also.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 15:56

There was back and forth between our Solicitors prior this, I offered him supervised visits at either a contact centre or at one of my family member's homes. He denied my first offer and my second offer was responded with a court order.

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Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:00

I very sadly didn’t report the domestic violence as I was too scared, he eventually left me alone and I was happy with that. I know I won’t get it because I’ve had to go back to work full time because he doesn’t provide anything for our daughter and I earn over the threshold for legal aid unfortunately.

Thank you for this help, I have kept a diary of every date he has seen our daughter, every date he was supposed to see her but either cancelled or didn’t show and every date he didn’t make plans with her at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:00

I unfortunately didn’t report the domestic violence and fear that it would look like a lie if I only reported it now.

Thank you, I hope I can!!

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Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:02

If he can prove that he can be a father and has stopped taking drugs then I won’t fear for my daughters safety and will be completely fine with this.

However, at this stage I feel 2 over nights a week straight away is not acceptable or reasonable. I’m happy for contact to start supervised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:03

Yeah I’ve had the paper, it basically says on them that if he wins then I would need to pay his expenses. Obviously if I was granted legal aid then my solicitor would argue this to be nil, but sadly I won’t be legible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:03

Thank you so much, I will try both of these websites!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:06

I would be comfortable but I fear that by only bringing up the domestic violence now then it would look like I was lying. Do you have any advice on this?

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Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:10

I haven’t already raised the domestic violence with anyone, I’m now a bit worried to do it in case I’m too late.

I’d be more than happy to involve SW if this will make sure my daughters safety comes first, but I don’t want it to look bad on me for only just bringing them into the situation just now. Will this look bad on me?

I do have a solicitor and we pushed for supervised contact in either one of my family members homes or a contact centre.

He hasn’t seen our daughter since last July and his mum hasn’t seen her since December, but prior to that she was working abroad for 3 months so didn’t see her for 3 months prior and only seen her 3 times before the contact stopped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 16:11

My daughter was 1 in April and he hasn’t seen her since last July. No she doesn’t know him at all, he would be a complete stranger to her

OP posts:
CaffiSaliMali · 03/07/2020 17:31

What does your solicitor say?

Definitely contact some of the women's charities (Women's Aid etc.) a previous poster mentioned and see what they can advise. I second considering contacting social services due to the substance abuse - see what Women's Aid etc. think. They're used to supporting women in situations like this.

I suspect he's only doing this because of the new pregnant girlfriend - doesn't want her to realise yet that he's a shit dad.

Original poster
Sofcunningham98 · 03/07/2020 18:17

I don’t feel my solicitor is very helpful sadly. She has said to file for defence which we have done but she doesn’t sound like she has much hope for me, I’m not sure what more I can tell her? This man is not fit to be a parent.

I have now contacted women’s aid and hopefully hear back from them tomorrow. I really hope I haven’t left this too late.

I suspect that also, but just wish he would lose interest sooner rather than later. No child needs a parent who doesn’t want to be a parent, this will only cause trauma to her and affect her later on in life.

OP posts: