Separated parents - my ex is looking for unreasonable contact after a year of no contact.

[Sofcunningham98]

I split up with my baby’s dad when she was only 8 days old. After the separation he would only see her whenever I took her round to see him, he would never ask to see her and would more often than not cancel plans that I did make, it would always be the 3 of us that would go out to do something for they two to spend time together, he was never alone with her. He then went to Ibiza with no return flight home when she was around 3 months old and was away for some time, once he returned we didn’t hear anything more from him. He blocked my number so I was unable to contact him to arrange a time for him to see our daughter.

He is an avid drug taker and near the end of the relationship became very violent towards me, throughout the whole relationship he was very mentally abusive and controlling. He has also had many public threats made against him and the address he resides at due to money he is due other people, as well as his car getting smashed up several times too.

Within the first week of our daughters life when we didn’t stay together he would never make a bottle or change a nappy, my mum would come to stay to help with night feeds where me and my mum would sleep on the sofas downstairs with my daughter in a next to me between us and he would sleep upstairs in our bed. This happened every night until I left him.

After no contact with his daughter for almost a year now he has raised court proceeding against me and is looking to have our daughter twice a week 6pm one day to 4pm the next, 2 weeks during summer holidays and a week during birth Christmas and Easter. I’m not entitled to legal aid and will have to pay his expenses if he wins in court.

He now has a new girlfriend who is also expecting a child with him later on this year, so fear ever more than two children will be too much for him never mind just the one.

I don’t feel this is safe for my child to be in his care for this lengthy period after having no contact for such a long time and also don’t feel he has proven that these threats have now stopped so don’t want my child to be in his car or home if something danger could break out at any time. Surely a judge won’t grant this?

Please anyone with advice help me out.

I don’t disbelieve you at all but I’ve never heard of family court making you pay the other party’s costs.

If your solicitor is no good get a new one.

The bit about costs, is that on a letter from his solicitor? Have you been to court yet? Are you substantially better off than him financially?

Only the court can order you to pay costs, so this may be your ex trying it on. A client can tell a solicitor to write any old rubbish in a letter and lots will just do it for the money.

It would be highly unusually for costs not to be paid by each party individually. It's not like other court cases. Family courts aren't about which parent "wins", although it feels that way sometimes, it's about what's best for the children.

You will need to have actual proof that he needs to be supervised around his own child. I imagine the courts would start with a small amount of unsupervised contact and build up to overnights. The courts generally think unless there is a serious risk to the child that contact with both parents is preferable. They are very used to parents throwing accusations around about abuse and drug taking, they won't just take your word for it as no doubt he will deny it and will be your word against his. There needs to be proof. Have you been keeping a log of his behaviour? Any reports to the police? If you are really genuinely concerned about your child wellbeing in his unsupervised presence then you need to build up a strong case he is not suitable.

You won't have to pay costs in family court. Please don't worry about that. The legal system does not put a price on 'winning' in family courts. It simply doesn't work that way.

There is a lot of help online. Women's Aid is a good place to start so good you've called them. Ultimately, he may well get contact but this won't happen over night. I am assuming from your posts that your little one is still very little? In which case, no judge is going to order overnights for a child who doesn't know their father at all. What will be ordered is a build up of contact over time. Based on what you've said, if you emphasize drug taking and violence in his life, he will need to start off in a contact centre and work up from there. You have offered contact and he has turned it down - as long as you have evidence of this it really does speak for itself to judges. They see these men all the time and know exactly what to do so please don't worry, he will need to prove himself as a father.

Do you have any evidence, photos, texts, arrests etc documenting his drug taking and disputes over drug money?

I think you would be reasonable to say you are happy to build up to overnight contact if it is safe for your dd, but you think it is in her best interests for her to get to know him first as he is a total stranger to her.

If you have evidence of the former drug involvement then ask for some assurance that he has stopped - clean drug tests, no drug related arrests in the last year.

Offer supervised contact a couple of hours at a time a couple of times a week with a plan to build up to unsupervised day time visits and eventually maybe a weekend overnight and a evening mid week.