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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why won't my narc let go?

47 replies

OhioOhioOhio · 02/07/2020 23:17

He is still desperate to fight. I am still is hobby. I am absolutely grey rocking everything. After 5 years why is he still trying to fight?

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 02/07/2020 23:18

Do you have a child with this person? If not, just cut them off?

What is the relationship?

minimummum · 02/07/2020 23:20

I am 10 year down the line and still get weekly abuse.

EinsteinaGogo · 02/07/2020 23:20

Can you say more about the connection?

You really need to let go / move on or away (mentally) before they do...

Fanthorpe · 02/07/2020 23:20

How is he in contact with you? You need to remove all connections

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 02/07/2020 23:27

We had kids together. He sees them regularly. I never engage. Strict factual grey rock information. He doesn't see me. Kids don't like him but they're too young to get a say. I accept this. He is angry with me still. It has been a while since he picked a fight so I naively thought he'd moved on. Tonight it started again. I was only annoyed for about an hour. I just don't see what he is still getting out of it?

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 02/07/2020 23:32

He can’t bear to be thwarted. You have my profound sympathy, it sounds like you’re doing all you can.

You need as many strategies as possible to block the thoughts you get after contact with him. One day it will be over, hopefully he’ll lose interest.

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 02/07/2020 23:36

It amazes me that he finds me so interesting. He didn't give a shit when we were married, not about any of us. I just don't understand what motivates him to STILL be nasty to me. I dont see his motive? It is so odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 02/07/2020 23:37

If he's thwarted what did he want to accomplish?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 02/07/2020 23:43

Keep going you'll get there stay strong keep doing the grey rock, the children will grow to see what he is like. With luck he'll lose interest in all of you or get amnesia. Flowers

Bunnymumy · 02/07/2020 23:44

They need to argue and make you 'the loser' so that they can 'win'. Its what his fragile ego is built on - not being the loser. They have to achieve this win constantly in order to hold themselve together.

If it wasn't you it would be anyone else. Chances are it'll be the kids turn soon enough. Has he picked a scapegoat child and a golden one? Or just you as the scapegoat atm?

Dont waste time trying to understand him. He is just an empty can with a fart rattling about in it.

Just keep up your avoidance of him as much as pos and only respond to matters regarding the kids. And even then, not to deliberately goady bs.

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 02/07/2020 23:56

Excellent post pp. Yes I guess after years of being overwhelmed by sadness for him, me and us I now just see that he is desperate for an ego boost and he gets this by putting me down. He's so needy for attention it is unbelievable. Does anyone have a good self care mantra for getting rid of the feelings when they do get to you?

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 00:09

Hmm...let's see...

Empty souls have foghorns - but my phone has a silent option :)

I'm lucky though, I just run when I see them now. But I guess that's not an option with the kids.
(...put one under each arm like a suitcase and head for the other side of the globe xD).

Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 00:12

Oh and - dancing.
Whenever my emotions get the best of me (usually a well up kf anger about how they treated me) I put music on and dance till I'm knackered.

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 03/07/2020 00:25

Yeah I'd like to go out and run but of course can't because of the kids. I think it's the fact that he still has the audacity to be mean to me. Like I'm still somehow something to do with him.

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 03/07/2020 06:36

Very important that you give him no reaction, he’s trying to provoke you into reacting so it is a relationship for him. Is there no one else who could do the handovers, or go with you?

I don’t know what would work for you, mindfulness and meditation, doing a puzzle, just something that you have to concentrate on. There are techniques that work, but they’re different for everyone.

MummyGoingItAlone · 03/07/2020 06:48

Oh I hear you OP! My ex is exactly the same! He cheated on me multiple times (sexting mostly) and showed classic narc behaviour. Even a year after we split up (we have a son) he still randomly picks a fight about us splitting up being my fault and I only have myself to blame as I didn’t give him enough attention! It’s always makes me laugh (and winds me up a little) as I ended the relationship and have never been happier on my own! He thinks I’m broken hearted and desperate for him back. Genuinely have no idea why he thinks this!

Emeraldshamrock · 03/07/2020 08:12

I think it's the fact that he still has the audacity to be mean to me. Like I'm still somehow something to do with him Feck him. Rotten people think their feelings and opinions count.
Do you worry he will verbally bully the DC in the future.
Write everything he says or does down you might need the ammunition.
Remember you can't control or stop his petty reaction just your own, you're doing great keep it up.

Craftycorvid · 03/07/2020 08:19

I find - from personal experience - that there is something oddly compelling about narcs’ way of distorting a relationship to fit their fantasy. They definitely can’t tolerate being to blame for anything and hate being thwarted. Keep grey rocking on, any attention is ‘fuel’.

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 03/07/2020 10:36

Yeah but he truly gets so little attention. And hasn't for months. And there he goes again landing another explosion. Again.

OP posts:
ladykuga · 03/07/2020 10:43

Oh God I feel your pain as am going through the same thing myself. It's so exhausting. I have no advice other than ignore, ignore and ignore some more. Let whatever they say just wash over you. Sending hugs 🤗. The sky will get clearer again one day, just probably not today unfortunately.

Fanthorpe · 03/07/2020 10:53

On another thread a while ago someone suggested visualising them on a computer screen and you adjust the contrast so they go greyscale and turn off the speakers so they’re just mouthing the words. Anything is worth a try.

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 03/07/2020 11:16

Weirdly I realise he's getting smaller when i see him in my mind's eye. It his ferocious words. And 5 years on. Hurting me is his hobby and I just don't know why? Then I didn't get it but now? Ffs.

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 03/07/2020 12:01

Survivors of narc relationships are excellent at second-guessing, trying to predict what might happen next in the unpredictable world they exist in.

I think you’re being triggered to go into that mode again, working out his game so you can avoid the outcome, which you never could.

His motivation is just the thrill of it. ‘You’ are actually irrelevant,(I’m not saying that to hurt you), as narcs only care about their own feelings, not yours.

Original poster
OhioOhioOhio · 03/07/2020 13:53

Fanthorpe But that's just it, the thrill of what? And why can't he get a thrill out of nice stuff?

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 03/07/2020 14:25

He’s not a puzzle to be solved, narcs never change (well they can but it’s very challenging work therapy-wise) so there’s no point in understanding why he’s like it, or doing it. I don’t know him, or your circumstances. All I can say is don’t waste a minute longer on him.

He’s just him, doing his same old thing, while you get on with your much calmer life without him.

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