Why won't my narc let go?

[OhioOhioOhio]

He is still desperate to fight. I am still is hobby. I am absolutely grey rocking everything. After 5 years why is he still trying to fight?

Yeah. He's just him. Or it. I think I've decided to think of him as an angry broken robot. That might help.

Whatever works!
Keep a very close eye on your children. Make sure they understand about boundaries.

He is just an empty can with a fart rattling about in it.

This is the best visual. I’ll be applying this to the narcs in my life. Thanks @Bunnymumy!

Boundaries and children. Any tips? It's difficult because they have to go. They go because I've no choice. He's Mr Charm in court.

As a child of a narc, I'd say it's about them having a great relationship with you.

They need to know 'it's not about you it's about him'.
So depending on their age:
'daddy just gets cross sometimes, it's not your fault'.
'Daddy said/did that because he was having a bad day, not because of you'. 'Yes, that's your Dad all over, try and ignore it'.

What kind of situations cause problems? It's hard to come up with foolproof tactics without knowing their ages, what the triggers are.

Yes, I agree, help them to understand that adults make mistakes and don’t always do the right thing. Having good boundaries yourself is important. Let them know in as gentle a way as possible that you disagree with something that was said or that happened and you support them. This might be helpful
www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/learning-to-lay-down-boundaries/

Thank you everyone. They are little. All younger than 8. He'll give 2 of them ice cream and leave one out as a punishment for them being non compliant regarding a random rule. Or he'll cheat playing a game and piss them off but they'll get a, row for complaining. Hundreds of that kind of thing.

OP you asked if anyone had a good self-care mantra, I think you have already had some good suggestions but here is another one. Take up needle felting. For one thing it will force you to think about what you are doing rather than what someone else is doing, as if you don't pay attention you will stab yourself and it hurts! For another, when you felt with a needle you stab your work repeatedly. This is very therapeutic. i would not recommend making a felted doll of your narc though, that would give him too much of your headspace, although stabbing the doll might make you feel better for a while :)

I've never heard of needle felting but I love that idea. Thank you.

I changed tact one year with my ex, I gave up arguing with him for lent! It was revolutionary 😊. Everything he said, suggested, put downs, I just replied OK, uh-huh, yep. He didn't get any of my oxygen or headspace. He was expecting an argument about everything. I didn't give it to him. He saw/sees the kids once a week, I don't engage with him, kiss and hug the kids goodbye, have a nice time, be good etc etc. Wave them off. There's no room for him to get a word in, no tantrums.

I completely disengaged. Thankfully for me it works.

I have a mantra for him, "fucking prick". I mutter it as soon as I can after seeing him, and that's it, no more headspace.

My father is narcissistic and did the things you describe above. We found it very confusing as children and never felt good enough, always trying to please him, couldn’t understand why he was always cross, tiptoeing around in case we accidentally broke a “rule” he had just created etc. Your kids are very little but I wish that it had been made clear to me that I was not the problem from early on. I think lots of reassurance that they are great and maybe some gentle language as per pp that suggests his way of thinking is not right. Nowadays nobody in my family speaks to him and (rarely needed) if discussing him we refer to him as having mental health problems which I think narcissism is. It does help but I wish I had known sooner that the problem was him not me, I’m still angry about this, I was only a kid, how dare he.

I haven't argued with him for years. Really haven't.

Yes I do that. Things like, 'it wasn't mummy's fault he shouted at her and it's not your fault he shouts at you.' They really hate going. Yesterday they knew they were going for their holidays and two of them spent most of the day cuddling and crying about it. It's awful.

I've been thinking since you first asked.

Bring in the no secrets rule, if you haven't already. It's a helpful way of making sure children aren't pressured into staying quiet. A 'secret' is something you always share with mummy or a teacher, a 'surprise' is where a few people are planning a treat for someone, without them knowing about it.

You can also try talking about how when they are older they will be able to choose who they spend time with, but at the moment they need to spend time with Daddy. That means following daddy's rules while they are there, but to know mummy is always thinking of them and looking forward to having them home again. Daddy might say and do things differently, but they are special and beautiful, and you love them very much no matter what.

Thank you. I think he's so horrible that they won't want to see more of him when they are older. He's so mean. Like buying one of them bed covers for Christmas, the other one gets a big toy and the other one gets a shit toy. Loads of things like that.

fucking prick

There’s a name change for your phone

I know. His behaviour is so unnatural.

Anyone else with a narc parent?

You image of him as an angry broken robot made me laugh. Like a robot in an awful sci fi which just keeps getting back up even after you’ve taken batteries out. I know it’s not actually funny for you tho. I’d just keep on talking to the kids. It must be awful to see them upset before they go. How long til they can make the decision themselves?

Yeah. That's it. A robot with no batteries. But it can still shout. He's so nasty. It's about 4 years.

The broken robot analogy might be helpful with your children.

To say that daddy might be a bit broken inside which means him do things that most people know are wrong. But we don't talk to him about it because it makes him angry.