To think SIL should help

[Campurp]

We have a 12m old and MIL cares for him 3days PW, with DH and taking the remainder (both public servants and working through lockdown). My SIL (older than my DH)still lives at home and has announced a surprise pregnancy.

MIL won’t take any payment from us, but we always pick up her favourite things in our weekly shop, provide everything from nappies to food and snacks for DS when he’s there and are generous with gifts.

SIL maintains that she won’t be moving in with her partner because she’s fine with the current arrangements and now keeps asking when DS is going to nursery. She says that when she saw the help that MIL was giving us that she decided that she should hurry up and have a baby so she can “get it out of the way and get free childcare too”

Our plan (agreed with MIL before we started trying for a baby) was that she would care for him 3 days, I’d go down to 4 days at work and our child would go to 1/2 day nursery when he turns 3, and reception afterwards.

MIL now feels that she will have to be fair and that she will look after SIL’s child the same amount of days as DS when SIL goes back to work.

SIL has always been a tad spoilt, never paid her way even when my DH lived at home and regularly throws £‘s down the drain on frivolous designer goods etc. MIL has had to bail her out of debt a number of times, yet she still finds a way to buy expensive cars and holidays (not jealous, just trying to set the picture here)
DH and I save and plan our finances, paid for our wedding alone, moved out and have genuine bills to pay. (Trying to give as much background so as not to drip feed!)

As time goes on we’re understanding that MIL will find it hard to care for a baby and toddler alone and as much as she says she wants to, we really don’t think it’s fair on her as it’ll tire her out (in her 60’s but still fit & healthy)

We are now thinking about what to do going forward as we would hate for MIL’s retirement to be ruined by her getting ill caring for 2 kids. As SIL’s child will be living with her she will already be on duty more than she is now with our 3 days. SIL regularly makes comments about her coming home from hospital and handing the baby to MIL, or how she doesn’t have to learn how to change nappies because “that’s what mum’s for”.

AIBU to think SIL should pay for some help or nursery for her child since she still gets free board and doesn’t pay bills?

Or do you think I should suck it up, and accept that SIL will get her way yet again and we’ll have to pay to put DS in childcare elsewhere?

Extra points for any suggestions to find a happy medium!

Also- don’t rip me to shreds guys... AIBU is terrifying!!

Thanks all! That wasn’t too bad for a first AIBU as most of you were gentle
As much as MIL won’t be happy I think I’ll tell DH that we should get a childminder.
I do believe that she’ll end up being primary carer but that’s her problem, not mine. I’m going to just give her major side eye when she starts complaining to me lol.

Your sil sounds like an absolute dick but you need to separate out the various issues here. Your finances are none of her concern and have no bearing in her decision making. Your plans could have changed for any number of reasons - mil might well have found childcare too tiring, she could have become ill.

Mil is a grown woman and if she has any self respect she should be reading sil the riot act if sil is blatantly declaring she’ll be making full use of her mum.

What has your mil actually said other than she wants to be fair? Is she suggesting fewer days with your dc or that she’ll stop or is that you and dh coming to that conclusion? I mean I agree a baby and toddler would probably be a lot for her but I think you should speak to her and not just assume that things will go exactly as sil wants. If mil wants to change the arrangement she should have the decency to speak to you and dh and not just leave you to make arrangements based on twat sits say so.

Sorry OP I think you are being just as unreasonable as your SIL- agreeing to free childcare with your MIL before TTC what if she’d said no or hated it?
Fact is it’s your SIL’s mum, it’s got nothing to do with you what her mum is happy to do for her.
Also why will your child only go to nursery for half a day when they turn 3, won’t they qualify for 30 free hours a wk (assuming you are in the U.K.)?

Sadly your MIL won't make your SIL step up so you're going to have to suck it up.

To be honest the money you’ve saved for 2 years free childcare I think you’ll have to managed for a few months of paid childcare

Not paying childcare enables you to own a house and save for nice treats. Something your SIL won’t have.

Mil does free childcare for us too

We are so grateful and should SIL decide she wants mil to do her childcare then it’s only fair for it to be equal and for us to step back a bit

I think you're jumping the gun!

Your MIL is 60, not 90. My 90 yo Aunt regularly stays with my cousins & looks after various grandchildren. The youngest is a wee whirlwind of destruction. He's 2 now. Admittedly it's for a week or so on & off, childminder on holiday or whatever - not week in, week out. But 30 years ago she'd have given you what for if you'd said she couldn't possibly manage a toddler & a baby!

SIL's baby isn't here yet, let alone her thinking about going back to work.

Why on earth would you take DS away from his nanny when he's happy & she wants to have him? Seems unkind to me

Just talk to her, reassure her you'll find a nursery a bit earlier if she wants you to.

Arrangements change. Life changes. You need to adapt and make arrangements that work in the new situation.

My aunt looked after my son 2 days a week and it was wonderful for everyone. Then my grandmother got sick very suddenly and things had to change fast.

Be grateful for what you’ve had and make new plans.

I would be looking external.

I may be misunderstanding but I think this is the first post I've seen though where grandparent has been used during lockdown? I thought that was the whole point, no childcare from family members. Work at home with child, furlough or use the key worker hubs?

Bit late obviously but first time I have personally seen someone say that.

I'm struggling to see your point of view. Why shouldn't your sil benefit from free childcare, just as you have? Can't your dps help?

Maybe the dc's df may actually want to live with his own dc and look after it!!

You have plenty of time - I’d say at least 18 months, before MIL will be doing childcare so SIL can return to work. If you go ahead right now and find a nursery or childminder, it just looks like sour grapes. I’d just see how things go for now.

Just to add, your financial situations bear no relevance to the situation. Every family is different. Is her DP not bothered he won’t be living with his child?

I think with sil having a baby and living with her, your mil may well not have the time to care for your son properly. Just pay for the extra day and after the baby is here you can maybe approach this again. If your sil is as lazy as you’ve described your mil may well end up doing the night feeds too which makes it unsafe for her to take care of a toddler during the day too.

It’s just frustrating that we have to pay a mortgage etc, PLUS nursery fees.

What? Perhaps you shouldn't have had a child. I can't even grasp what you're whinging about. Millions upon millions of us pay a mortgage and nursery fees, and we don't feel entitled to free childcare from a grandparent. SIL and her immaturity aside, this just makes you look grabby and really self-entitled. You chose to have a child, you deal with the financial consequences.

The mums here and in and around in real life are on a treadmill of working to pay for a house and car and childminding costs. Some have Grandparents who will look after a child or even children. Grandparents are just that they are the older relatives of the young children.

I think maybe a return or even just another look at the old saying about "cutting one's cloth according to need". Is it all really worth it being up at the crack of dawn out the door and off to Grandparent (or nursery) with the child and then get into work likely through a traffic jam or commuter chaos work all day travel back to Grandparent's house (or nursery) likely in another traffic jam, pickup child back home make a meal, get child to bed, do housework, clean up meal etc and get to bed to do it all again the next day. It sounds horrific to me.

As others have said MIL and SILs relationship is up to them and you need to stay out of it even if it feels unfair. However I wouldn't necessarily jump the gun on a childminder - MIL is only in her 60s - it's not that old! She might well be fine looking after both especially if she's got a strong bond with DS or maybe she'd like to drop it to one/two days per week and have him some of the time.

Try not to be resentful of SIL - it sounds like you have a happier life than she does even if she does have more disposable income!

Do not get involved with your SIL and MIL childcare arrangements. It will not end well for you.
Better for you to try and look for a good nursery.

I’m a bit aghast at your comment about having a mortgage plus nursery fees. Yes, if you have children then you should!
It sounds to me that you’re angry that your SIL is pregnant and will need child care whilst , currently you’re getting it for free.
What does your MIL think? These will be her grandchildren and she has every right to not differentiate.
What do you actually want?
I’m not surprised that SIL is expecting free childcare like you have.
It sounds like your MIL’s children are using her and she’s going along with it all in order to not rock any boats.
Going forward, pay her or find an alternative provider. If your SIL has a child then poor MIL might be lumbered all week.
She doesn’t deserve this.

To me it sounds like you've had the advantage to date, and the comments your sil has made have been sarcastic related to how you've expected things to be. Things change, you can't expect your mil to always meet your childcare needs regardless of any other grandchildren. Of course your mil has the right to chose what she wants to do but you should respect that and you should've made contingency plans for paying for childcare like most other people have to in the event of death , illness etc.

So you think SIL should pay for childcare instead of accepting 3 days/wk from MIL... even though you've avoided paying for childcare by accepting the exact same help from MIL?

If MIL will be overwhelmed looking after two children, maybe you should use her less? Drop down from 3 days/wk to 2 days/wk?

You'remaking a lot of assumptions here.

Your MIL is younger than me, and I haven't even started GC care yet. Have you even considered that she might be gutted if you remove your DS from her care? You seem to have made a decision for yourself that you haven't even consulted her about. My friends are 70 and look after their two grandchildren two days a week. Why do you think your MIL is incapable or unwilling to do so?

I'm the last to approve of people assuming that their parents will look after the GCs. But it's just as much an assumption for you to assume that she isn't capable of continuing to care for your DS. If she loves him, why does it not occur to you that you choosing nursery instead might devastate her?

as much as she says she wants to, we really don’t think it’s fair on her

Does it not occur to you that maybe she knows her own mind? Do you think someone in their 60s is incapable of knowing what they're talking about?
Seriously, how dare you?

Things change...I think you need to start being a bit more independent too.

Our oldest was the first and only grandchild for a few years and MIL was a great help in collecting from the nursery etc.

By the time no 2 came along, there was a heap of other grandkids and it wouldn't be fair to expect the same. Even now, we are conscious if we ask for help for a day, that if everyone did the same that week (it did happen) she wouldn't get a moment to herself.

Sounds like you're being a bit silly and definitely YABU to expect her not to want her mum looking after her SC, same as you did

Hopefully she would @saraclara . Unfortunately I know quite a few grannies who care for their gc and find it exhausting and can't wait to see the back of their gc at the end of the day, which I find really sad. But they won't let on to their dc as they don't want to let them down/put them under pressure with huge nursery fees. (Not saying it's the case here).