Who IBU here? Bridesmaid-related

[Indirectly]

NC because I don't want this linked with previous posts.

I have 2 friends, A and B. The three of us have been good friends since we met in school over 15 years ago. A is a lovely person but can be quite needy - I understand why, she's had a difficult life but at times I've had to space out contact a little bit because it's been a bit much. B is on the other end of the spectrum, very busy with her career and is very family-oriented so often doesn't initiate contact. I've often gotten the sense that she spaces out contact with A for similar reasons to me under the guise of her busyness, but we've never spoken about it directly. A and B have had a couple of issues over the years, mainly to do with A feeling she does all the initiating with B, but they've managed to work through it.

B got married last year and because I was working abroad I wasn't able to attend. B didn't have a formal set of bridesmaids but she had A walk in as part of the extended family party and A was involved in many of B's wedding events (B's culture involves several events associated with marriage).

A got engaged last year and is now planning her wedding for late February 2021. She asked B to be a bridesmaid and B initially accepted. However, B got pregnant unexpectedly with her first child and is due at the beginning of January. B reached out to A and said that she's not really sure if she'll be able to fulfil her responsibilities as a bridesmaid and said she'll leave it with A to make the call, saying she wanted to give A as much notice as possible so that she could potentially ask someone else. B said she'll obviously still attend the wedding but also said if it was anyone else she wouldn't - A interpreted this as B seeming to believe she was doing A a favour by even attending.

A is now really upset with B, saying that she wasn't asking B for anything except to be with her on the day and take a few photos. A was also upset by B asking A to consider doing her hens several months before the wedding so that A could attend, and it's opened up old wounds now about A feeling like she isn't valued by B. She thought B could have at least seen how she felt closer to the day and A would have been as accommodating as she could be.

So I'm essentially stuck in the middle of the two friends here, and thought I'd put it to a MN jury. I see A's point and understand why she's hurt, as she felt she was there for B when B had her wedding, but I also know that B is very nervous as a first-time mum and keeps thinking worst case scenario e.g. some unexpected difficulty with the baby. None of us have children so it's entirely new. A is now saying she will still be friends with B but she no longer wants to make any effort. B doesn't think she's done anything wrong.

YABU: A is being unreasonable
YANBU: A is right to be upset

I actually can see both of their sides and don't think either is being unreasonable, which doesn't help you. Which part is the main issue A is upset with?

Having come from a culture that also has multiple events where, frankly, bridesmaids are often worked to the bone I support A. She made an effort for B, probably sat there alone with her family in a wedding of a totally different culture / language over several days, and B can’t even take a few photos with A. It’s ridiculous and I bet if this was a family wedding (even family she didn’t know well) B would have attended without complaint.

I’m with B. She seems reasonable. She’s going to the wedding. She’s a first time mother. I’m not sure what A expects her to do with a newborn in tow?

@Dougab

I actually can see both of their sides and don't think either is being unreasonable, which doesn't help you. Which part is the main issue A is upset with?

I can also see both sides, so it's been difficult. A has been wanting to talk it through constantly and I've been trying to remain neutral. I think A is mainly upset by what she sees as B being inflexible and unapologetic about it - I guess it goes back to the underlying issue of A feeling she makes a lot more effort for B than is reciprocated. I'd have to agree that A does make more effort too.

It was fair enough for B to pull out as bridesmaid but the comment on not going if it was anyone else and already asking for the hen party to be moved is just unnecessary and entitled. I can see why A is upset. And I say that as someone who went to a friend's wedding with a small baby. Seems like a very one-sided friendship and if I was A I would be withdrawing with dignity from this friendship.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Having come from a culture that also has multiple events where, frankly, bridesmaids are often worked to the bone I support A. She made an effort for B, probably sat there alone with her family in a wedding of a totally different culture / language over several days, and B can’t even take a few photos with A. It’s ridiculous and I bet if this was a family wedding (even family she didn’t know well) B would have attended without complaint.

This is true - A went to all of B's wedding events (there were about 5) and didn't know many people there since I wasn't able to attend and we don't have many other mutual friends. This is partly why A is really upset now, because she feels she made a lot of effort for B and she doesn't feel B is reciprocating.

B is not being unreasonable by giving A the option to remove her as bridesmaid, she will have a very young baby who at that age could need constant attention (feeding) etc and she is being honest in the fact if it was a less closed friend she wouldn’t go, I don’t think B is trying to tell A she is doing her a favour by coming just that she values the friendship so she will make the effort to be there.
B should just skip the hens night and A should understand.

I think b is not bu. She’s expecting a baby and laid her cards on the table. From what you’ve said it doesn’t seem like she’s not wanting to attend the wedding, or is demanding that the hen do be moved earlier. Just that’s she’s worried about performing any extravagant bridesmaids duties, and won’t be able to attend the hen party if heavily pregnant. It sounds like she’s just letting A know so she can make a decision on what she wants to do, and isn’t disappointed or let down at the last minute

I also see both sides. Set up a call and then drop off. Leave them to discuss etc. As there seems to be a lot of things unsaid which may need airing. It’s not easy being in the middle, in fact it’s knackering!

I don't see why you're stuck in the middle? It's their issue to resolve.

You know B; if you know that she would have meant "I wouldn't do this for anyone else" in a nice way then if it comes up, you could reassure A on that front. It is a slightly ambiguous thing to say but I can understand the best interpretation of it. Other than that, I don't see any reason for you to referee this. They're adults with a long history.

B shouldn't have asked to move the hen party or made A feel like she was doing her a favour by coming to her wedding. However, B is right to stand down as a bridesmaid if she doesn't feel she'll be able to do the role properly. If she's late giving birth, as first baby's often are, then she could have a 6 week old. Some people would be fine attending a wedding at this point and have an easy newborn, some wouldn't. She's doing the right thing by giving plenty of notice. When my DS was 6 weeks old there's no way I could have managed being a bridesmaid, I had infected stitches, cracked and bleeding nipples, had a baby that wouldn't sleep at all unless held and I couldn't stop crying for more than 5 minutes.

I’m with A.

I think it’s fair enough that B wants to take a step back, but asking to move the hen do and saying she wouldn’t do it for anyone else does come across as entitled. So it’s more her attitude rather than her decision that I think is wrong.

I don't understand why A is offended by B saying she will attend for A but wouldn't if it was anyone else's wedding?! I'd interpret that as B saying "I'm a nervous first time mum so I think I'd rather not go to big events shortly before I'm due. But I am going to make an exception for you because you are so important to me and I really want to be there for your big day". That's a lovely sentiment.

It's also far from clear that people will be allowed to have normal weddings and receptions again by January anyway, so this may all be a fuss about something that never happens (or not in the way A wants).

I don't think either is being unreasonable. It's unfortunate, there's nothing you can do.

I don't understand why A is offended by B saying she will attend for A but wouldn't if it was anyone else's wedding?!

You could read it as "This is a huge inconvenience and imposition and I don't really want to but I'll do it for you, I just want you to know how much I don't want to."

I suspect that what B meant was "I'll do it for you because you're special to me."

OP can reassure A that B had the best meaning but other than that I don't think this is her problem. I'd be inclined to encourage A and B to think the best of each other and then to speak to each other. I definitely wouldn't be acting as messenger. On that path lies danger, or at least a ton of drama.

I think B was dammed if she did and damned if she didnt. Some brides go nuts when their bridesmaid is pregnant or a new mum on their 'big day', and she has given lots and lots of notice and offered to step down. Which I think is a lot better than dropping out and letting her down at the last minute because the baby has issues or whatever. I was still pissing myself every 2 minutes, bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and in pain with stitches so was walking funny at 8 weeks after the birth, if her baby is late she could have a 6 week old. I'd take her 'I wouldn't do this for anyone else' comment as she's making extra effort for this friend.

To me, A is a bit over sensitive but if she feels she makes more effort in their relationship then she is perfectly within her rights to take a step back. It's not unreasonable for B to assume bridesmaid duties involved more than a few photos and that most brides would prefer certainty rather than their bridesmaid to see how they felt on the day. I was sacked as a bridesmaid by a bride who I told I was going to ttc because she didnt think the uncertainty of things maybe going wrong was fair on her and maybe B was trying to save her from making this decision.

If you dont all meet up often as a 3 I don't think you need to get involved, you can try and gently point out the other ones point of view and play devils advocate but it sounds like they are different people anyway and their friendship already had issues

I don't think its about the wedding its about the historic issues so

I'm mostly with B, she's been upfront and matter of fact about what she is and isn't willing to do. However, she can't expect the hen to be moved for her (although did she actually ask for this, or was it more "if it's in October I can do it, November onwards I can't" etc - in which case this would be reasonable and it's then A's decision).

However, if I were you I would actively stay out of it - respond to Qs with "it's between you two" or "I don't want to get involved" etc.

I would say that A should try to be a bit more empathetic... Yes she went to 5 of B’s wedding events, but that is just the nature of B’s cultural ceremonies, so shouldn’t be held over her head as “well I did all this for you, now you have to do loads for me too”. It can suck if a friendship seems one sided, but on the other hand, friendship shouldn’t be just a tit for tat arrangement, which is what A seems to want.

B is pregnant for the first time during a global pandemic - that must be scary in itself for her. That aside, she has given A plenty of warning, and managed expectations that she wouldn’t be able to perform full bridesmaid duties with a newborn (obviously!!), and that although it might not be easy with a small baby, she will make the effort to still come to the wedding because she cares about A. Similarly, it sounds to me like she was giving A a heads up that she wouldn’t be able to attend a hen do while heavily pregnant (again, pretty obvious), but if it was earlier she would make an effort to come. Either way she’ll probably be the only sober one at the hen, and would likely prefer a night at home resting instead, so again she is offering to put herself out for her friend.

A’s wedding is of course important to her, but sometimes brides need reminding that it’s not the centre of everyone’s universe in the same way it is theirs. Just like there were mitigating circumstances for you not to attend B’s wedding, there are now mitigating circumstances (i.e. growing and birthing another human) for B not taking an active role in A’s. And I hold these views as a totally childless woman btw!

Having said all that, neither of them should be putting you in the middle of this! And it sounds like this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back for A, rather than a root issue - I think A and B should probably meet up for a heart to heart to sort it out.

I don't think any are being particularly unreasonable although I don't think B should expect A to bring forward her hen night(s) by several months just to accommodate her. That's a bit cheeky.

I don't think B realised how her comment, that if it was anyone else she wouldn't be going to the wedding, could be misinterpreted. A is probably being a little over-sensitive there but if she is regarded as needy and you both "space out contact" with her and she feels she is always the one to initiate it, I can understand where she is coming from.

So you don't want to help, you want to sit on the fence and remain neutral yet you come on MN and ask which one of them is being unreasonable? What will you do when you establish the consensus of opinion? Will you suddenly take sides based on the opinion of others?

A sounds like hard work. It sounds to me like sure chose to interpret B's comment in a particular way, when it wasn't meant that way.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

I don't think any are being particularly unreasonable although I don't think B should expect A to bring forward her hen night(s) by several months just to accommodate her. That's a bit cheeky.

I don't think B realised how her comment, that if it was anyone else she wouldn't be going to the wedding, could be misinterpreted. A is probably being a little over-sensitive there but if she is regarded as needy and you both "space out contact" with her and she feels she is always the one to initiate it, I can understand where she is coming from.

So you don't want to help, you want to sit on the fence and remain neutral yet you come on MN and ask which one of them is being unreasonable? What will you do when you establish the consensus of opinion? Will you suddenly take sides based on the opinion of others?

A has been wanting to talk about it a lot and it's been difficult for me to know what to say, mainly because I can see both sides, so was interested to know what others think who are removed from the situation because I genuinely am not sure if A IBU.

@SummerInSun

I don't understand why A is offended by B saying she will attend for A but wouldn't if it was anyone else's wedding?! I'd interpret that as B saying "I'm a nervous first time mum so I think I'd rather not go to big events shortly before I'm due. But I am going to make an exception for you because you are so important to me and I really want to be there for your big day". That's a lovely sentiment.

It's also far from clear that people will be allowed to have normal weddings and receptions again by January anyway, so this may all be a fuss about something that never happens (or not in the way A wants).

We aren't in the UK. And yes, I think the comment could be read either way but in the broader context of A feeling B doesn't value her, A read it as B saying A should be grateful B is attending.

Just because A went to B's wedding events it doesn't mean that B owes her. You either do those things freely or you don't. B might have worded it better but I have to agree that I wouldn't go to any wedding a month after birth unless I absolutely felt that I had to.

I think you need to tell A that you think she is misinterpreting the comment by B about not missing it. I also think you need to tell A that B is being realistic that she won't be able to do proper bridesmaid duties etc.

I would speak to B and suggest that the 3 of you try and do a meet up weekend where you go full out to pamper A and make it all about her as a super early pre-hen do - I wonder if that is what B was intending/hoping to do?

I think B is being very reasonable - being bridesmaid is not practical with a newborn, and she's said she'd still like to go.
Perhaps the hen's night is best phrased as "I suspect I'll be getting more and more tired as the pregnancy goes on, so depending on when it is, I might have to duck out while the night is still young" - leave it totally up to A as to whether they hold it earlier, given that.

What should you do? Not very much. I think I would say how awkward it would be to have a bridesmaid with a wailing baby, but sympathise about the lengths A went to for B's wedding, and say that it's just unfortunate that the baby is due so close on the wedding.
If A does ease off the friendship with B, it sounds like that might actually work better in the long run for both of them; B is going to be even busier with a baby, and so if A's expectations are less then hopefully she'll blame B less if they see each other less often.