How to deal with husband losing money?

[Losingmoneydripdripdrip]

DH keeps forgetting to do paperwork/other important mundane stuff, and it's costing us a lot of money.

I've just come from a tax meeting where he was late with the paperwork, filled it in wrong, and we've lost the equivalent of a month's income.

We are currently paying 10 per cent of his monthly salary in fines for not filing some paperwork related to the birth of our child over a year ago. We may or may not be entitled to a refund once he has filed the paperwork. (We live abroad so I'm not talking about the British system) We also nearly lost our childcare place over it, and it was very stressful for the childminder, which I felt very bad about.

Last year he put off doing an oil change on his car, the entire car broke and it cost two month's salary to fix.

This is just a sample of things that have happened, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. We both work very hard and have a good income so we're not in financial danger , but I hate that he is essentially pissing away money. It makes it feel like all these hours I do at work and away from my children have been for nothing.

We've talked many times about how to deal with this. He always promises to get better and says I don't need to worry about doing paperwork. When I press it, he starts to get angry (through guilt; it's really the only time he ever raises his voice). I ask him from time to time where we are with certain bits of paperwork and he isn't always completely honest, trying to blame the situation on an administrative delay when he has the papers but has done nothing with them.

I have offered to do all the paperwork, if he will pass it to me as he gets it. He says that I'm busy enough already and he can deal with it. Short of going through his bag and his desk to check for papers like he's a child coming home from school, I don't know what to do.

There's no AIBU really but I'm desperately hoping that one of you can help me deal with this! Thanks.

I'd be doing as much of the admin tasks as I could here to be honest.

I can't get my head around the fact that neither of you registered the birth of your child. That's bizarre! How did you cope?

It makes it feel like all these hours I do at work and away from my children have been for nothing.

you're right to feel that way, because it's the truth. you're effectively working months for nothing because you don't come out ahead due to him sabotaging the family income (yes, sabotating, undermining, whatever you want to call it which reflects the gravity of it).

i don't have practical help OP but i can't quite pluck out why he's doing it. therein lies the key to understanding how you can better deal with the shitty position he's putting you in. i specifically haven't said "fix it" because i think you can't fix this, short of leaving him. i honestly don't think most of the reasons driving this behaviour are easily fixable and your energy is better spent just taking on more household mental work yourself - which you can choose to step away from if you want. you don't have to put up with this.

is he generally scatterbrained across other areas of his life (forgetting birthdays, losing tickets to a concert he genuinely cares about, not knowing where his wallet is)?
does he understand the impact, financially, and if he does - does he care? (does he think the £s don't matter, or does the translation of "my wife has worked 3 months for nothing this year" not really "hit home")?
does he generally have the same financial approach to you, spending wise?

i guess what i'm saying is you should try and figure out what the fuck he's playing at.

and try and either sticky plaster over his helplessness, or maybe start diverting more pain his way (although it sounds like that's already happening but he's not changing).

i can't imagine how hard this willbe without him WANTING to change and/or with a marriage counseller (more £££s he's forcing you to spend!)

oh yes - also, does he actually have an organising method that he uses or is it all in his head?
and does he actually have TIME to do the chores he promises and then lets you down on?

would a family kanban board help? (example: i.ytimg.com/vi/RdwHLJKrbKA/maxresdefault.jpg)

if a 4 year old child gets the concept of "to do / doing / done" with basic chores, i'm sure your husband could understand. visualising all the shite he's promised to do but not done might force some actual discussion rather than arguing about it. but that assumes you want to manage him- like his mother, or a manager at work... he's not a partner. he's a child.

i.ytimg.com/vi/RdwHLJKrbKA/maxresdefault.jpg

does that link work now

NotSuch the birth itself was registered (I did that) but the child support request is still in the pipeline as he still hasn't put the paper in the envelope and posted it, despite nearly losing our childminder over it.

And despite having lost over a year of child support payments (may be backdated, may not be, who knows)

Newton thanks for your message. He is a complete spendthrift and loves to buy things. I don't. I hate the piles of crap we have in our house, the damage it all causes the environment for nothing, the way our children get new toys every week, the restaurants, the eating, the eating, the eating, the waste, the fat unhealthy mess our life has become. It disgusts me.

My DH is exactly the same. We've just started paying off a debt from over 10 years ago that actually wasn't his fault, but because he stuck his head I the sand and ignored it instead of dealing with it he now cant prove it. Another's come through the post for a different debt, I've filled in the exentuating circumstances form, just need him to sign it, over a week ago.

I just do everything I can, be as polite as possible to people involved and do my best. I'm not perfect, I'm clumsy and lose or break things. I just have a tackle it head on mindset and he has an avoidant mindset.

christ, i don't want to sound dramatic but i would lose all respect for him, the extra info you've offered. such a turn off. i couldn't stay with him, he's meant to be a life partner but all he does is drag you down.

does he have good points?
do you want to stay with him, like this, for the rest of your life?

i'm sorry but i think marriage counselling sounds more important than your OP suggested.

I do all the paperwork tax returns etc. Husband finds it boring. I also run all the joint bank accounts, pay bills etc. It means everything is up to date, no problems.

I'd gladly do it, but he feels it's his job so he won't share it with me

I would go spare at him.

How disrespectful that he can’t pull his finger out of his arse and just do what he needs to do, but also won’t let you do it?! Maybe if you tell him it would actual make more financial sense for you to quit work and just deal with his admin as he’s causing you so much financial loss and frustration.

He might not care that you’ve lost a month’s salary and might have issues with your childcare, but does he care that you care? Does he realise the stress that it puts you under to have to constantly chase him and he still doesn’t do it? Is he this scatterbrained at work?

Sounds like my husband. He used to wrack you thousands in parking fines because he Wouldn’t pay them, never paid the bills even though he had the money, I got points on my licence because I took his car one day and got stopped and he hasn’t renewed the insurance. He has ADHD. I had to take over absolutely everything and he still managed to not do the minimal things that he needed to do in order to run his adult life. I left him

Is there a possibility he has ADHD? My husband wasn't diagnosed until his 40s and it explained a whole lot of things that he found more difficult than most people. Might be worth reading about

It makes it feel like all these hours I do at work and away from my children have been for nothing.

Have you tried costing up any of his errors in those terms?

DH rebuffs his siblings requests for cash by saying "Yeah. OK. Of course I feel like giving you 6 hours of my time, spent standing on the edge of a motorway at 4 am, in January, freezing my arse off"

I explained to DSis and she now uses it to rebuff our Not at all D F.She like sit, it is factual yet odd and makes him go all quiet!

DH! That one task, about an hour of your time, has just cost us 40 hours at work, each!

DH! That shit item in the box there, cost you 8 hours at your desk!

Think of all the family time that could have bought!

@ToLiveInPeace
I immediately thought ADHD too.

I would tell him that you don’t trust him to get things done. If he shouts at you, you should explain you are doing the tax form or car service etc because he has proved himself to be unreliable. Don’t give him any more chances to mess up. It’s actions not words that count in this situation.

Mine can be similar. We ended up paying an additional £1.5k for our last pre baby holiday because he didn't get around to booking it until the prices jumped. I organise all household bills bar one and we often get red bills for that. It frustrates me enormously. He has a very responsible job where deadlines are critical but just cannot do personal admin.

I'm going ADHD as well. This is me. I've cost us similar amounts of money. It makes me feel absolutely shit tbh. I'm better now I'm on medication and honest with myself about what responsibilities I can handle. We haven't lost loads of money since then. (Touch wood!)

I'd gladly do it, but he feels it's his job so he won't share it with me

Oof. Tbh, if my husband was costing us that much money, refusing to fix it and still insisting on being in charge of it all, I'd be separating finances ASAP and looking at my legal options for a complete disentanglement. I'd be happy to remain in a relationship (maybe?? Maybe not) but i absolutely would not want to stay married- those are shared debts and shared losses, you don't want him dragging you and your children down too.

I don't think it's ADHD - he has a very responsible job and never misses any deadlines. He doesn't miss birthdays or anniversaries either, or really any opportunity to celebrate. He just isn't interested in the boring grown-up stuff.

He's been WFH during lockdown and been gorging himself on junk food while we're out of the house. It's like I'm married to a 7-year-old who just wants all the toys and all the ice cream and definitely doesn't want to do his homework.

That sounds super sexy OP, you've got a real keeper.

I'd sit him down and say "we've lost X much money this year alone due to your inability to deal with paperwork. I know you think it's 'your job' but to be perfectly honest you're really bad at it, and it's hurting us, so i will be taking over completely from now on."

This still sounds a little ADHD to me.

@ToLiveInPeace i think the fact he seems to be able to function perfectly well at work (where it's in his interests to not look like a complete and utter moron) but is somehow unable to at home (where presumably his wife picks up all the slack) means that it's highly unlikely to be diagnosable.

Much like men who "just have a short fuse" tend to be able to stop themselves throwing things at their coworkers and bosses, but are somehow unable to control their tempers well enough to avoid hitting their wives - these manbaby types are generally just pathetic, not pathological.

It sounds like a sort of sabotage, he’s massively avoidant. He knows it causes you stress yet refuses to let you help or address the issue himself.

There’s something really wrong here, does he understand how aggressive this is?