How to deal with husband losing money?

[Losingmoneydripdripdrip]

DH keeps forgetting to do paperwork/other important mundane stuff, and it's costing us a lot of money.

I've just come from a tax meeting where he was late with the paperwork, filled it in wrong, and we've lost the equivalent of a month's income.

We are currently paying 10 per cent of his monthly salary in fines for not filing some paperwork related to the birth of our child over a year ago. We may or may not be entitled to a refund once he has filed the paperwork. (We live abroad so I'm not talking about the British system) We also nearly lost our childcare place over it, and it was very stressful for the childminder, which I felt very bad about.

Last year he put off doing an oil change on his car, the entire car broke and it cost two month's salary to fix.

This is just a sample of things that have happened, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. We both work very hard and have a good income so we're not in financial danger , but I hate that he is essentially pissing away money. It makes it feel like all these hours I do at work and away from my children have been for nothing.

We've talked many times about how to deal with this. He always promises to get better and says I don't need to worry about doing paperwork. When I press it, he starts to get angry (through guilt; it's really the only time he ever raises his voice). I ask him from time to time where we are with certain bits of paperwork and he isn't always completely honest, trying to blame the situation on an administrative delay when he has the papers but has done nothing with them.

I have offered to do all the paperwork, if he will pass it to me as he gets it. He says that I'm busy enough already and he can deal with it. Short of going through his bag and his desk to check for papers like he's a child coming home from school, I don't know what to do.

There's no AIBU really but I'm desperately hoping that one of you can help me deal with this! Thanks.

I have been thinking high functioning ADD too, which is not necessarily what you may think it is. Your OP made me think instantly of my DP, who holds down a very responsible detail-oriented job but has many of the classic features, such as distractability and physical messiness, and an annoying tendency to walk in to a room and just start talking regardless of what else I may already be concentrating on. It helped me a lot to understand that many of the things he forgets or screws up habitually are actually manifestations of a condition, rather than him being lazy or thoughtless. In fairness, I have ASD, so am not that easy to live with either. I would do some reading before you dismiss it as a possibility, although be selective as there's a lot of crap about it on the internet.

He sounds repulsive in every way - I'd hate to live with such an excessive pig.

But, what to do? - you say:

I'd gladly do it, but he feels it's his job so he won't share it with me

You tell him he doesn't get the choice to do that any more.

He hands over the reins to you, or you leave. He doesn't get to carry on merrily fucking up your life and shitting all over your efforts and still say 'No! I want to be in charge!'

He's shown himself to be incapable. He accepts that (I'm talking everything, it come to you and you give him an allowance) - or you shrug and say fine, off you go then - fuck up your own life alone.

I can't leave him, and break up my children's family and their home, just because he's shit at paperwork

The paperwork isn’t the issue though, it’s his attitude to the results of not dealing with it, or acknowledging that you’re distressed.

This behaviour would be a deal-breaker for me. It's as bad as someone who has a gambling problem and doesn't take steps to control it. The lies, being defensive and more lies.

He's only trying to do the right thing. That's what makes it all the more difficult - he wants to do the paperwork to take the pressure off me, he wants to buy the children presents too make them happy, he wants to treat me to indulgent food and new clothes. I'm not strong enough to say no either; I have mild arthritis which would be easier to deal with if I lost a stone but when he brings home yet more treats I almost always cave in. We're as bad as each other.

You’re not as bad as each other.

You asked for now to deal with your husband, but you don’t actually seem to want to try any of them.

The way I see it, you either accept his can’t/won’t deal with paperwork until there is a financial loss involved, or you make a change and either take over yourself or force him to take some action.

There’s no magic formula for making someone do what you want if they don’t want to do it. There’s a simple reason you’re in chaos, your husband is not dealing with tasks he refuses to let other people do. It’s sabotage, wilful or not. I think the advice you’ve had has frightened you a bit so you’re taking blame and minimising the problem. No ones going to make you do anything. But I can say you should be very careful about trusting him.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

So I have some sympathy with your husband as I am bad at paperwork. Life admin stresses me out. No fines quite like your DH though, I do draw a line!

So we have an agreement in our house. DH does the paperwork for everything but my car. I just have to handle that and that’s it. He pays/sorts everything else. I rarely cast my mind across it all now.

In the essence of fairness I certainly do more around the house in terms of cleaning etc. We just have different strengths.

Speak to him and maybe frame it as the above. You each have different strengths and you’re happy to do the paperwork, he just has to pass it to you. In return he can take xyz from you (eg always mows the lawn etc) that he can and will do.

You’re a team, you don’t have to both be good at everything, just be good as a team.