To not want a second child

[creamorwhite]

Sorry this may be long.

We have one DD who is 18 months. I am 34. She was much longed for after three miscarriages and I was desperate for a child. I vaguely remember thinking I would want and have two but also when I was worried it would never happen for us I would pray just to get our one child and we are so lucky that happened for us.

Pregnancy and birth went smoothly but after DD was born I think I had PND. She was a difficult baby, poor sleeper and cried continuously when she was awake. I wasn't mentally prepared for motherhood - it really took me by surprise. I'm relatively high up in my career and have found challenging things easy in a professional sense but motherhood was so hard. I was devastated that I wasn't enjoying something I wanted for so long. I wouldn't seek help from the GP as I became paranoid social services would step in.

I'm not sure if it was PND though as DD was loved unconditionally from day 1, we bonded and she was looked after in every sense. I think I actually put too much pressure on myself to be the perfect mother maybe I MM not sure, but I found the crying so hard. I found it too difficult to socialise with her as she was high needs and needed so much attention.

I had some anxiety around feeling trapped. I couldn't adjust to losing my freedom and sometimes felt totally overwhelmed and panicked by this. This was actually the biggest challenge for me and now DD is older and we have a routine this isn't much of an issue anymore but I really really struggled with this and the intensity of the newborn stage.

Fast forward to now- she is sleeping through and a pure delight. Obviously she is hard work as all toddlers are but she is a pure joy and life is enjoyable again. DH struggled in a practical sense when she was a newborn (sleep etc) but didn't have the MH issues I did. He wants to try for a second and surprisingly I am considering it but I don't know if I'm mad.

I quite enjoyed the thrill and excitement of trying for a baby- doing the tests, being pregnant etc. I'm worried I'm just wanting to have the idea of a second without the reality. Part of me also worries I'm not really a valid mother if I only have one, and what wanting only one means about my feelings for my child (I know I love her in a complete and overwhelming way but I have a lot of guilt about not enjoying the newborn phase). If I had a second would I prove to the world I am a worthy mother and I do enjoy this?

There's a biological feeling of wanting to have a second and I think when they children are older we would all benefit from another person in our family, DD is sociable and would likely love a sibling to play with, I'm just not sure I am strong enough to go through the baby phase again, especially with a toddler in tow.

I don't know what to do. I've started taking folic acid again but we aren't trying yet.

You need to sack off worrying about what anyone else thinks and concentrate on what you want. Ultimately you are the one who will be pregnant, give birth, maybe breastfeed, and deal with the bulk of nappies and crying and sleepless nights.

But of course you are a valid mother, meant kindly - don't be daft :) just look at how your daughter looks at you. You are her mother, her rock, her world.

I have only one DC by choice. I don't think that makes me not valid as a mother.

I found pregnancy very difficult and the baby and toddler stage very difficult. I wasn't the best mother I could have been and spent months just wishing he would get older as I struggled so much. DS is 7 years old now and an absolute delight, he is my best friend and I love being a mum now. I just didn't love being a mum to a toddler and I won't put myself - or another child - through it again.

Don't worry about the only child guilt either, I myself am an only child and it never bothered me.

Your feelings are as valid as anyone's, more so as you are the one that will have to go through the pregnancy and birth.

Do you need to start trying now? She’s only 18 months. You could leave it a bit and see how you feel.

Of course you are valid as a mother. Don’t put yourself down. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

Part of me also worries I'm not really a valid mother if I only have one, and what wanting only one means about my feelings for my child (I know I love her in a complete and overwhelming way but I have a lot of guilt about not enjoying the newborn phase). If I had a second would I prove to the world I am a worthy mother and I do enjoy this?

I think you are overthinking this. There's a lot more to being a mother than enjoying the first year. There's also nothing wrong with just having one child. Try not to be so hard on yourself, sounds like you've had a tough couple of years. And ask for help if you need it, the GP won't ring social services, PND is so so common, I'd almost say it's a natural reaction to having a baby and a big life change.

I could have written your post OP, I had just the same experience. I realised I did indeed like the idea of another but not the reality and I was only considering it because it was what other people expected. My DD is now 6 and we have no regrets about sticking with one.

So mother of 4 is more of a mother than a mother of 3? I don't think you really think that. You have a child, you are a parent. It doesn't matter how many you have.

There isn't a rush to decide what you want now. You don't need to have another child if you don't want to. Take your time. It's a marathon not a sprint.

I have 2. I can't remember DD2's baby stage at all. I had PND and she had undiagnosed health issues. That "lost" period makes zero difference, I'm still a good (enough) parent.

If you were to decide to have another I'd talk to your GP about accessing early support to ward off PND. You might not suffer with it again but getting support in early might make all the difference.

OP this is so well and honestly put, you’re clearly giving this proper thought which is the best start.

Your post also chimes with a lot of the worldless mush in my own head at the moment (DD is 1).

Like you, I am essentially wondering whether my MH would take it and, in turn, whether that would be fair on the children (or child, should our efforts end in losses).

There is definitely a separation in my mind too between TTC and the reality of the newborn phase. I almost wonder whether, for me, TTC was, in some ways, the last autonomous and baby-free phase of life and whether that, as well as the thrill you mention, are a standalone thing rather than an indication to want a second.

I get the biological thing to an extent too, yes. It’s not all newborns I like, it’s the thought of my newborn. But a friend recently challenged me on whether it’s really a second baby I want or to go back and redo some of the early days with DD. I grumpily admitted it may well be the latter and recognise that’s not going to change with a second.

Ultimately, where I am right now, is that while
I definitely think we’d all benefit in years to come from being a larger family, there’s a risk we may not arrive there in one piece too. And somehow that risk looms large for now. Maybe because my own family growing up wasn’t so happy.

If you have FB, have a look at a group called One And Done On The Fence. Someone on here recommended it on a similar thread and it’s very useful.

I do know this much: one child absolutely does not mean “lesser”, for you or for them.

Absolutely focus on what you want and what is right for all of you.

For what it’s worth, I felt exactly as you described after birth. The feeling of being trapped and losing all flexibility completely took me by surprise.

I had my second 16 months later and I didn’t feel those feelings the second time around as I’d completely adjusted to the restrictions that come with motherhood.

I’ll be honest though, I did feel the most awful, all-encompassing, crushing guilt for my eldest child (who I enjoyed immensely from 11 months onwards) because I hadn’t enjoyed her as a baby owing to the aforementioned reasons. Obviously I’m ok now, but it does still upset me when I think about it. This is highly likely to be personal to me, but I think what I’m trying to say is that motherhood is a huge rollercoaster and whilst you may not feel the same as you did first time round, there will likely be other emotions that you did not foresee.

Best of luck with your decision.

Hi OP, I wonder if maybe you need to look further ahead - think a bit more long term?
In 10 years say, what do you picture for your family? If you dream of several kids playing together, then it might be worth sticking it out throught the baby stage - after all it's a relatively short period of time compared to the rest of your life!

Well, it sounds to me like you absolutely did have PND and that is, of course, massively impacting your feelings.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to have only one. And with a high level career, there are lots of reasons to stick with one. However, you do seem to suggest that you would like a second, you just are scared about t being as hard?

I think that if you do go for another you need to be more honest about your previous experience and, if you experience it again, seek more help.

In retrospect, there's no doubt I had PND. Relatively mildly and I did get help of a sort and discussed it with my doctor. But I was very hesitant to put a name to it. I was convinced I just wasn't a good mother and/or that I'd made a mistake in having a child. With DD, it was a very difficult time for me and that, combined with my history, meant I was put on a sort of PND-watchlist and got a bit of extra support (I had, by this time, finally admitted how bad it was).

What was bizarre is that objectively, things were 100x worse with DD in that my mum had just died, I was struggling with work etc etc etc and yet I couldn't believe how different I felt. That, more than anything, made me realise that I really had been suffering PND previously.

Sorry - long answer. Short answer is don't let what was clearly PND impact your decision. If you want another, go for it and disclose the challenges you had. If you don't, feel no guilt as it's perfectly reasonable to only want one.

Once you are a mother, you are a mother, no set amount of children validates that.
I think going from no babies to having your first is a massive shock to the system and completely throws everything into a spin. You're exhausted, emotional, have a tiny human that relies on you for absolutely every last thing and you barely get time to breathe let alone do all the normal things you'd usually do. It's life changing!
But... Going from 1 to 2 kids is a lot easier. You know what to expect, you know the baby stage doesn't last forever and it does become easier, you have a routine that a baby will naturally fall in to and you have already adapted to life being parents.
And in my experience, going from 2 to 3 kids is even more of a breeze 😂
After No1 I did wonder if it was wise to have any more but I'm so glad we did, the girls (6, 4 and 22mo) have such an amazing relationship and they all play so nicely together. I honestly believe that having 2 or more kids is actually easier than having just one. Think a little further ahead when your little one will want to play endless small world games over and over with you and as lovely as it is, adults don't enjoy it for 3+ hours straight but a sibling of similar age certainly will 😂

Leave it a year or two and see how you feel then, 18months is quite soon, my children are three years apart I didn’t find having a second child nearly as hard as just having one. There’s so rush.

Youv'e had some excellent advice, OP.

I really admire your honesty. Not many people are able to really critically examine their own motivations for why they make these big decisions. I can relate very strongly to your descriptions of wanting a second child to validate my identity as a mother, as another chance to do it "right" this time, and of course the only child thing. (FWIW I don't agree at all that you're only a proper mother if you have 2+ children, but I do hear what you're saying). Oh - and the "specialness" and excitement of a new pregnancy.

However here is something to consider. 18 months is still tiny. Honestly, I personally think they are still largely irritating at this age. At about 2/2.5 it is game-changer. The language acquisition and cognitive development add another (positive!) dimension to the relationship. Unless you are determined on a particular age gap, why don't you wait just a little longer? Enjoy a bit of your newfound, well, enjoyment of your daughter!

And please, try not to feel guilty about not enjoying the baby stage. As @Popc0rn says, becoming a mother is often a bit of a bummer for people anyway; add depression and a high-needs baby into the mix and is it really any surprise you found it tough? Also remember - being a mother is actually about helping a small person grow up into a decent, capable, independent adult. It's not about whether you enjoyed the "magical night feeds" or the 100th rendition of wind the bobbin up. You will be there for her for decades yet. This bit is important, but I don't believe the most important. And besides, you're doing your best - which is actually all you can do.

Good luck.

I only had a second child so the first would not be alone! Not that logical but I do think now only children tend to be self centred. My second child was born on first's birthday - so really was a gift!

I can really empathise with your post and probably could have written it myself. I have a DD who just turned 2 and, like you, I was not mentally prepared for motherhood. Having a baby was never the be all or end all for me - I was more of the mindset that if it happened, great, and if it didn't, it wasn't the end of the world. I met my DH when I was 36. We married when I was 39. I fell pregnant at 40 and gave birth just before I was 41. I also had what I can only describe as PND - a sense of losing my identity and freedom. Everybody saying it's the best thing ever and I wasn't feeling it.

Within months of DD being born, I started putting immense pressure on myself as DH was saying he couldn't wait for DD to have a little brother or sister. It took me months to have the courage to tell him I didn't want any more. He was devastated. I felt like I was gambling our marriage and it would be another baby or the highway.

He eventually understood when I fully explained my reasons. It wasn't easy and it's been a bit of a rocky road at time, but you both must want another baby., not just having one because the other wants one.

DD is now 2. I feel like I have part of my identity back. She sleeps brilliantly, we have a routine and I absolutely love her.

If you're thinking this, then I am really of the opinion that if you know, you know when it come to wanting more. Others from my NCT group all have number 2 now - I do not envy them whatsoever. I have my little girl and 1 is more than enough. I couldn't put myself through it again and to be that unhappy and depressed. It was a dark hole and not one I ever plan to revisit.

Do PM me if you want to chat xx

What you said about the excitement about ttc and pregnancy test really resonated with me.

When my dd (now 2.4) was born, everything was perfect (she still doesn't sleep through but anyway)

I always wanted just 1, but I fell pregnant when she was 5 months. I loved seeing the positive sign etc and the feeling and the hospital appointments.. 3 months later I felt dread.. unfortunately my second daughter was born still born on my dd1 first birthday :( so she isn't here but honestly and I'm prepared to be judged. I WOULD NOT have coped with my dd and another. At 1.5 she turned into a horrendous toddler and just now I'm coming out the storm.

Even though I was grieving (still kinda am) i said no I'm one and done. I don't want no more.

My Dh sat me down last night and said; the longer we leave it again, the longer the age gap is... which is true.. I'm looking at a 3.5 age gap (and that's if we have no problems conceiving quickly)

*But
*
I love the idea of seeing that positive test! I love the idea of having my maternity folder, picking names etc (even what happened in my last pregnancy doesn't put me off per se)

What I can't handle is the thought of teething, and a growing another child.

But then I feel guilt because dd is so sociable and loves playing and am I doing her an injustice? Will I regret waiting so long.

Sorry for my ramblings but I think what I'm trying to say is,
We need to do stuff for ourselves, and there really is no rush as long as your child feels loved by you what matters? If I had to choose now who I'd prefer to have around, it's always my mom over my siblings x

I could go on for hours so I'll leave it there!

It's sweet that you imagine them playing nicely together

Now imagine DD throwing a block at ds's head and saying ""MY MUMMY!" at the top of her lungs. Because actually that's what it's like a lot of the time.

I love my kids I wouldn't live without them but I think having more than one is romanticised. It's a lot of hard work and sometime more grunt work that fun.

You can have nice holidays where you only have to worry about one child between the two of you, you can buy a car without worrying about the logistics of multiple car seats

Dd may well decide at 3 that she wants to sleep in your bed. That is not unusual and then you have two babies to keep you at night. Keep it all in mind that this pandemic business could stretch out what you're able to do with babies in public for a while and meeting friends and baby groups may not be an option.

I sometimes see the work my friends with one child are able to put into a child and I regret that I can't do that. I'd love to be able to let my children all do their favourite sports and clubs (and be able to afford it) and manage the logistics of being in ten places at once.

I wish I’d stuck to my guns and only had my eldest, I only ever wanted 1 and now I have 3! My partner really wanted a second child and then my birth control failed spectacularly and I felt a termination wasn’t for me so here we are. I love my children they genuinely bring me so much joy but I’m also pulled in many directions everyday and it’s extremely overwhelming and tiring at times.

I do think if you stick at one like I was planning to then make sure there’s provisions in place for your old age and funerals etc. There’s nothing worse than having to shoulder the burden of care alone and not amongst siblings. Random I know but it’s definitely something I thought about a lot when pregnant.

I have one daughter. She was VERY much wanted. We spent years trying for a baby and I lost 2 pregnancies. She was a tough baby and had reflux so didn’t sleep and screamed a lot. Fast forward to when she was aged 2. She was sleeping and gorgeous and funny. We started trying for a second child but neither mine nor my husbands hearts were in it. We just didn’t feel the need for another baby. Our lives were good.

She’s 9 now and the absolute light of my life. I’m a great mum. Patient, fun, affectionate. I have lots of time for her and our resources aren’t spread across multiple children. We live in the same street as my sister and her kids who are 10 and 6 so she shares school rides and holidays and birthdays with them.

I think this was absolutely the right decision for us. My DD agrees. I also have a dog.

I felt the same but looked at the bigger life picture and realised another person at the dinner table would be right for our family. Until then I was fairly convinced we'd stop at one and it took a while to decide otherwise - hence a 4.5 yr age gap. It was the right decision for us, and the baby stage wasn't such a big shock second time around. Seeing my DC's relationship is lovely and in some ways it's harder work, but in some easier (they play with each other). I'm also aware that things may have been different if our second turned out to be twins, or with health problems or additional needs. I also think we'd have been happy sticking with one child and wouldn't have felt any less than a mother. There are lots of very good reasons, personal and environmental, for stopping at one.

I could have written this too, although this thread doesn't make me feel anymore sure of what I want to do. I was depressed and the darkness was so bad that I'm terrified of revisiting it. But during lockdown my dd has been yearning for someone to play with other than us. It's so hard and confusing and I think a lot of us are scared of that feeling 'I've ruined my life' by then it's too late to go back. Good luck OP.

It’s difficult isn’t it?
With my first I had a traumatic birth. I think with hindsight I had PND. DD has a lifelong medical condition that was diagnosed at 6 months.
I’d always wanted two children but was so worried about whether I would cope, how DD would feel, whether my second child would also have these medical complications.

I decided to go for it. It was what I’d always wanted, for so many reasons.

My second birth was better and I bonded quicker with my second child, so those issues didn’t reoccur but my second child also has a medical condition (completely unrelated - we’ve just been unfortunate). My second child’s condition meant sleepless nights, treatment several times a day. It was really, really hard for the first 2 years and I constantly cursed myself for actively trying for a second.

The thing is, now we are a little further down the line and both children have improved (although both still require regular treatment).
I don’t regret either child. I wouldn’t change it. I love watching them playing together. I love that they have this relationship and these memories that otherwise wouldn’t have existed. It just isn’t the sort of relationship you can reconstruct with friends or playgroups or family. Their bond is really special and with the benefit of hindsight my DD was desperate for a sibling and has flourished since they came along.

Hi OP

I felt the same way as you for a long time. I was so overwhelmed with being a mum and coping with such a drastic life change that I didn't even have space in my head to think about another child. My DS is almost 3 now and I've decided that I would like one more. The thing is...I cant have another one. My OH has struggled so much with being a parent, supporting us all so I can go part time and I just don't feel that it would be fair on his mental health and therefore on our DS or the new baby if I were to press the matter.

I've been looking at a few threads about only children and it has made me feel a bit more at peace with it all. I do still sometimes get an ache and feel like i desperately want another baby, I then have times where I think 'nah one is more than enoguh'.

In your situation there isn't a correct answer. It's just what feels beat for you and your family. If you decide to stick with one it doesn't make you any less of a mother! Your a 'propper' mother whether you have 1 child or 10 children. X

Based on my own experience, this is my advice...

If you decide to have another:
Anticipate the the PND/PNA.

Talk to your doctor. If they don't take you seriously, switch doctors. Talk about med options and go straight on them after baby is born. I think there are meds that you can take while breastfeeding. If you can't BF safely, don't.

I wish I had done this .