To not want a second child

[creamorwhite]

Sorry this may be long.

We have one DD who is 18 months. I am 34. She was much longed for after three miscarriages and I was desperate for a child. I vaguely remember thinking I would want and have two but also when I was worried it would never happen for us I would pray just to get our one child and we are so lucky that happened for us.

Pregnancy and birth went smoothly but after DD was born I think I had PND. She was a difficult baby, poor sleeper and cried continuously when she was awake. I wasn't mentally prepared for motherhood - it really took me by surprise. I'm relatively high up in my career and have found challenging things easy in a professional sense but motherhood was so hard. I was devastated that I wasn't enjoying something I wanted for so long. I wouldn't seek help from the GP as I became paranoid social services would step in.

I'm not sure if it was PND though as DD was loved unconditionally from day 1, we bonded and she was looked after in every sense. I think I actually put too much pressure on myself to be the perfect mother maybe I MM not sure, but I found the crying so hard. I found it too difficult to socialise with her as she was high needs and needed so much attention.

I had some anxiety around feeling trapped. I couldn't adjust to losing my freedom and sometimes felt totally overwhelmed and panicked by this. This was actually the biggest challenge for me and now DD is older and we have a routine this isn't much of an issue anymore but I really really struggled with this and the intensity of the newborn stage.

Fast forward to now- she is sleeping through and a pure delight. Obviously she is hard work as all toddlers are but she is a pure joy and life is enjoyable again. DH struggled in a practical sense when she was a newborn (sleep etc) but didn't have the MH issues I did. He wants to try for a second and surprisingly I am considering it but I don't know if I'm mad.

I quite enjoyed the thrill and excitement of trying for a baby- doing the tests, being pregnant etc. I'm worried I'm just wanting to have the idea of a second without the reality. Part of me also worries I'm not really a valid mother if I only have one, and what wanting only one means about my feelings for my child (I know I love her in a complete and overwhelming way but I have a lot of guilt about not enjoying the newborn phase). If I had a second would I prove to the world I am a worthy mother and I do enjoy this?

There's a biological feeling of wanting to have a second and I think when they children are older we would all benefit from another person in our family, DD is sociable and would likely love a sibling to play with, I'm just not sure I am strong enough to go through the baby phase again, especially with a toddler in tow.

I don't know what to do. I've started taking folic acid again but we aren't trying yet.

Thank you all for the replies, it's quite emotional to read that many of you understand what I'm saying and have felt similar things.

Those of you who have mentioned a "dark place" - that is my biggest fear. I have some vivid memories of being in that dark place and it took a while for me to climb out of it. Starting again, losing any sense of freedom, I just don't know if I can do that. I suppose there's some twisted logic in my mind saying "but if you love your DD and love being a mother you must want to do it again, or it just sends out a message that you don't like it and you're struggling." FWIW I adore my daughter and being a mother.

I don't believe that I must give her a sibling, and I don't believe only children are self centred. I know many sibling relationships that aren't positive ones so I see that that is not reason alone to have a second child.

Honestly the driving force for me at the moment would be DH's excitement, and the thrill of TTC, seeing that positive test and all the anticipation of a new baby. (Reading this back I realise this would be an utterly ridiculous reason to have a baby.)

I guess I feel some kind of urge to try for another baby, but when I think rationally about it there are so many reasons not to, I promised myself I wouldn't do that to myself again. Is this how biology tricks us?

Don’t do it.

I love my little boy who was my second but I wish I’d stick with one. My life would have been so much easier/straight forward.

I felt the same as you in some ways (not the ‘am I a real mother if I only have one’ thing tbh) but a lot of the other stuff - do I want to start all over again now that we got through it, is that mad. I had PND and it took everything I had to get through it, come off the meds, get to a point I was truly happy then it seemed insane to ‘throw it all away’ and go back to the beginning again. To be honest, having another one is like going back to square one again. But, just like with the first one, after about a year or so you get to ‘square two’ as it were and it’s great. My DD2 has started walking, understanding and reacting to what we say etc and it’s just amazing. The newborn stage already feels like a lifetime ago. And seeing my DD1 interact with her and them laughing together is honestly just next level. You think you couldn’t feel any more elated when your baby smiles or laughs at something you do, but when your new baby smiles or laughs at something that your original baby does it’s just honestly a whole new level of love!
Also the second time isn’t as bad as the first in the way that you are much less anxious than the first time, you are better prepared so less shell shocked, and you are way busier with a toddler in tow so it goes a lot faster too. It’s obviously up to you and there’s no requirement to have another one but if you do want to go for it try and think of how comparatively short the newborn stage is compared to the whole rest of your life with an extra player for your team.

Also, I totally get the whole TTC being a thrill thing btw and then when you do get the positive test you’re obviously delighted but the a bit like ‘oh shit what have I done?’

I think you have to put yourself squarely at the heart of this decision, which goes against everything women are told to do when it comes to (well most stuff, but) the size of your family. As pp said, you are the one that will grow and birth the baby, go through the postnatal physical and emotional aftermath, and shoulder the bulk of the early childcare. Furthermore though, if you can't face it, don't want to risk the whole family's equilibrium for it, feel ambivalent about it in general, then not only are you are under absolutely no obligation to do it but you are making the best choice for everyone: no one else in the family can be well and happy unless you are well and happy.

I had godawful postpartum psychosis and though I'm much better I am still now realising how ill I was. Even after all that, I went through all the guilt around not having another: feeling selfish, feeling like a failure because in my head everyone else seemed to be managing fine etc. I felt so bad for the relief I felt when I began to feel halfway human again. I felt bad for being glad to be rid of the newborn stage, glad to be back in a job I adore, to be respected for my expertise, to not have my body constantly pulled and sucked at, to have my own life and self back...then I realised, these aren't small, dismissable things that I should just pack away in a box because having another child is the be all and end all. Coming through postnatal mental illness is fucking huge and it throws it into sharp focus how important it is to retain your mental health. It's no small thing to consider putting yourself through again, only this time with a baby as well. Being able to get back to work and regain my independence also made me a better mother and a better partner (and we had enough money for a puppy 😅).

Many women obviously have more than one and do manage fine, but after the experience you had, if you don't want to roll the dice it is absolutely OK and actually very responsible and caring to your partner and child, to say no.

@DamnYankee you can breastfeed on Sertraline, that’s what I took the first time and breastfed the whole time I was on it. I didn’t take anything pre-emptively they second time (although know people who did) but I didn’t want to take it unless I had to and managed the second time (just about) to stay away from the big black hole.

My first baby was also very high needs and early motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks. I was lonely, exhausted, bored, miserable, so so anxious...I loved my baby so much but I really didn't enjoy much of it at all. We did decide to go for a second, because we'd always pictured having at least two and I was never able to let go of that. DP was pretty apprehensive, as was I, given how exhausted we'd both been for 18 months and how little joy there'd been. I was far more anxious during my second pregnancy. Then DS2 arrived....and the clouds lifted. I knew what to do, he was laid back and contented, my anxiety was so much less intense (it didn't go away but was manageable).

In all honesty I've found having 2 so much easier. The baby phase was totally different because I was confident in how to care for him, and we were out and about doing toddler stuff so the boredom and loneliness weren't there. There was never a single moment of regret.

Now I know this is only my experience, but there's no certainty that you'll find it as hard second time round. And if you do, you know what the warning signs are, and you can discuss getting some support in place with your midwife just in case. The transition from 1-2 is so much less dramatic than from 0-1 though (in my experience) so it's entirely possible your experience would be completely different. Good luck in making the right decision for your family, whatever it is.

I also do not like the baby stage. But just a thought if you do think you want a second, but are nervous about the first year or so / if you are senior (and maybe paid well?), can you throw a lot of money at that problem? Get a maternity nurse or nanny for the nights. Get lots of child care for the first year. Set up structurally whatever puts you in your happy place and prioritise doing it from birth.

I found my second child much easier than the first as I found I was much more able to accept help (for us that was paid help as no family near by). Oh and my first didn’t sleep til 13months, my second slept through (12hrs) at 6 weeks. Am sure that helped too!

But, also, if you don’t want a second, don’t have one! Your daughter will be fine without a sibling.

@Phrowzunn: My baby days are over, but that's good to know! My experience was so hellish, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Ah stick or twist eh. But with real lives. I had a very similar experience to you. We stuck. Definitely the right decision for my mental health.
Do what's right for you, for the short term and the long term.

@AngryFeminist

Thank you - your post really resonates. I'm sorry for what you went through, that must have been truly terrifying, well done for making it through the other side. What you said about me being well and happy so that everyone else could be too really touched a nerve- do I really want to take on more than I can handle and not be able to be there for DD in the way I am now? Thank you.

As with all mental illness, postnatal mental health can be very dismissed, and I also think in many cases it carries an additional layer of shame as having a baby is supposed to be the most joyful experience. For many of us sadly that isn't the case.

I'm still not back to feeling myself, I'm a lot better than I was, but the truth is I don't know if I will ever fully get over that. And it was terrifying, it shook me to the core, I just about dragged myself through each day and thought I was actually at breaking point. I went from being what I thought was a robust and successful person to... well I don't even know how to describe it.

It's hard to make a decision when you don't know what will happen. I don't know that my DD will get on well generally with her sibling, I don't know even if we could conceive again! I don't know what kind of baby or person the next one might be.

I think I have a tendency to think "the grass is greener" and maybe I should stick with what I've got.

I have found mothering a very different experience the second time around. My second brings me so much joy and I feel more confident in my parenting abilities. I have a real sense of just how quickly the time goes, so their babyhood, even through the difficult parts (second was a difficult baby, and very poor sleeper) has lacked the sense of permanence that it did with my first.
The joy we get from seeing them develop their own relationship is one of my favourite things in the world. I felt a real drive to have a second. I would also love a third but thankfully my head is winning that battle 😂

Hi OP, there is some fantastic advice above. I can only go based on my own experience.
I had my dd 3 years ago and although I didn’t go to the dark place you describe, I did find it much harder than expected. In the very early days, I remember wishing I could be in some sort of accident so I could be hospitalised and SLEEP and have some time to myself! The lack of freedom felt so constraining and just the general thought of never really having control over my life. I also struggled with the stall in my career.
My DH wanted another baby and I really did not, until my daughter turned 2. I don’t know what shifted, but it was my decision. I didn’t do it to give my dd a sibling, I don’t think there’s ever guarantee they’ll get along, but I looked into my future and I knew I’d regret not trying for one more. We fell pregnant straight away and dd2 is now 6 months old. She is a joy, easy baby and my dd1 loves her to bits. I don’t feel I’ve lost my freedom, that feeling hasn’t come back and in fact, I’ve enjoyed this baby stage much more.
There is no right or wrong. All you can do is go with your gut and also - give yourself a break! Seriously, take a few months if you don’t want to decide now! Your dd is still so young, take more time to enjoy her if you’re not ready for number 2 xx

@creamorwhite I think it's also a double whammy of women's health and mental health - lack of funding and a whole lot of prejudice around both.

You know how the broken leg analogy gets used for depression (you wouldn't not go to the doc tor or a broken leg, so...)? Apply it to this. You suffered - still suffer - with a debilitating condition related to giving birth. If it were a physical issue, you and your husband, however much he was excited about another child, would be taking it into serious consideration because neither he nor you would want you to go through that again or be left with lasting damage. You deserve to approach this situation in exactly the same way, and not to minimise the effects PND have had on you so as to centre his excitement or the possible benefit for your daughter.

Whatever you decide, base it on your needs first and foremost, and then on the help that will be available to you if you get PND again. As pp mentioned, depending on where you live you can be put under the care of specialist mental health midwives and in some areas an entire perinatal mental health team who will see you through the pregnancy and up to a year afterwards. When this works well it's great because they pick you up straight away and get you sorted with medication and additional support, from community nurses to referrals for therapy etc. The problem is that the level of support and resources differs massively depending on where you live, so it's good to get a picture of exactly what care would look like if you needed it.

Sending all good things your way. It is a really hard decision.

I can also talk from my point of view, but I was desperate for a second, we have been trying for nearly 7 years now. 4 of those was so taken up with getting pregnant that I look back on them in a bit of a shock.

My experience of getting pregnant and having my first was very different, being pregnant possibly saved my life. I loved the baby stage, but not being able to have another child ruined what should be a great stage with my son, nearly destroyed my relationship.

I am at peace now, but before you go ahead get the counciling you can, because if you were at risk, you might be more at risk if you can't get pregnant

OP I had the same experience with DD1- high needs baby, endless, endless crying, colic, reflux, the works. I also suspect I had PND.

I now have 2.5 week old DD2 and I'm not going to lie I am feeling really low again. However I think some of that is hormonal + sleep deprivation + birth recovery as she is not the same baby and we do actually know what we are doing (a bit) more than last time!

If you do decide to go for it, get as much support as possible. If we didn't have COVID-19 atm I was planning to have a doula and then family help to get me through initial weeks

Also think about whether you need the traditional small age gap - DD1 had some bad sleep regression around 2-2.5! We have a large age gap which means we don't have to worry abt two not sleeping!

Go with what you really feel in your heart (head by science) you know deep deep down what you want. It's perfectly ok to have one child. My friend has one child. She's 37 and is always justifying it. Always trying to let me know she knows it's harder for me with two. But it isn't! All parents have good phases and bad. They get worse in some ways as they get older. But they also get easier in others. They fill you with happiness but they can make you want to bang your head against a wall.

I've got two. I wanted two. I've got one of each. I also get the feeling of I would love the excitement again. The tests. The positive. The scans. The name choosing. The baby shopping. The fuss you get. The tea and chat with people when the baby is newborn and everyone brings gifts. I even miss my midwife. Because I had her with both babies and she was just wonderful. But..... I've got my hands full. I don't want to go back to it for the following reasons.
Morning sickness.
Exhaustion in pregnancy.
Feeling exhausted after the birth and not being able to rest as you have a toddler too.
The night feeds. Really am over the crying every three hours for a bottle.
Also I'm often anemic and worn out.

But I've acknowledged that I am happy as I am now. I will always look back on certain parts and miss those days desperately.

It's ok to do things how you want. You perhaps did feel abit down. My first was a dream. My second wasn't too bad either. So I didn't have any terrible screaming months. But many do. I remember my partner's sister hiring a sleep person for her baby. It didn't work at all. She's a Dr and her daughter's 5 now. She's not having anymore because she had IVF and her husband's a prat! But she's a career person. She works and she has an important job. Her DD still doesn't sleep great and is in her bed every night. It would be silly for her to have anymore even if she could. Because she's so tired and busy and doesn't have the support.

We need career people in the world too. So whatever you choose is the right choice 👍

It's hard to make a decision when you don't know what will happen. I don't know that my DD will get on well generally with her sibling, I don't know even if we could conceive again! I don't know what kind of baby or person the next one might be

Those are worries everyone has, regardless of PND, or a difficult birth, or sleepless nights, or anything really.

We all worry about the changing dynamics with subsequent children. I had a high needs first child, didn’t sleep, fed every two hours for months, had reflux, cows milk allergy, all sorts. My second could not have been more different! Slept, chilled, calm, could put him down without any crying. I always said that if they’d been born the other way round I would have had a shock! They love each other, of course they fight as siblings do but they are so protective of each other.

Coming from a slightly different perspective, even if your post-natal period with DD1 had been all smooth, it's ok to ask yourself at 18months "do I want another one right now?"... and if the answer is anything other than a definite "yes", it is entirely valid to put off the question for another time and not dwell on what that might mean. I didn't want another one until DS1 was 4 or so. He was not a handful, newborn stage was fine, we had/have a good time with him. And even with all that, having another when he was 18months was a definite "no way" (and I knew I always wanted at least 2 eventually).

I have a huge age gap by choice. I absolutely couldn't have had 2 kids close together like you are suggesting, I just wouldn't have coped with it at all.

I don't regret it for a second, but even if I'd only had one child I certainly would've still been a good mother, I don't think having more kids validates you being a good Mum. You're already a good Mum!