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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sick to death of hearing..."Im just so busy...."?

38 replies

Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 22:02

DP has his 2 DC 2 nights a week and every other weekend , He is currently working from home due to the demon virus, It is quite a pressured role, however, doesn't have any less or more work then he would have if he was to work from his office/site. It was his eldest's birthday last week, he forgot to buy the birthday cake and nibbles because "he is just so busy" so I ran round the supermarket an hour before the kids were due to his house( we don't live together) getting stuff, then I receive a phone call while I'm there...he had also forgot to buy wrapping paper and a card,because he is "just so busy" . His house is a like a students house, its a mess, he can't tidy it because he is "just so busy". He struggles/stresses with everyday stuff like school drop offs/pick ups, food shop, laundry, school work with the DC. I dread when he rings because I know all he will say is..Im just so busy. I don't know what to say to him any more, he says it every single time he rings, which could be once a day, could be 5 times a day (surprised he can find the time, what with him being so busy),and he says it in that poor me voice, which really winds me up. Today he rang and said he is just so busy, I was like, how come?(I don't normally ask, I used to then would get a lecture, so I stopped asking) He said," I have a virtual meeting at X time, then pick dc up from school, I've got to load the dishwasher because I've got no clean dishes, then I suppose i'll have to do the kids tea!!"
AIBU in thinking that all this stuff is just life, its nothing out of the ordinary? I work,do house work, kids stuff etc daily and I have my DC every day.
BTW - He always used to say he was just so busy when he was on site too

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 01/07/2020 22:23

Not sure what the AIBU is but he's a twat. Yes, that stuff is just life. I do the dishwasher while the kettle boils, or while cooking tea. I clean the bathroom quickly while a bath runs or one if the kids is in it. Why are you doing it though? I know why, cos the kid wouldnt have had a cake etc but time to stop. Sit him down, tell him he has to adult like everyone else and you will not be rushing in to save him.

worriedandannoyed · 01/07/2020 22:32

Wow this is possibly why he's not with his kids mums anymore. I had a husband like that once.

I'd be very cautious at helping him as he'll start to ask for more and more.

Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 22:35

@HugeAckmansWife

Not sure what the AIBU is but he's a twat. Yes, that stuff is just life. I do the dishwasher while the kettle boils, or while cooking tea. I clean the bathroom quickly while a bath runs or one if the kids is in it. Why are you doing it though? I know why, cos the kid wouldnt have had a cake etc but time to stop. Sit him down, tell him he has to adult like everyone else and you will not be rushing in to save him.
Oh, I stopped doing it all for him ages ago when I realised it was expected of me. You're right, I couldn't let the kid go without his cake etc. I do still very occasionally clean the bathroom, or wipe the kitchen over but that is because I am staying over at his and I have to use the shower. I'm not sure he realises how dirty his house is, and it's not easy saying I don't want to stay at your house because its dirty.
OP posts:
Londonmummy66 · 01/07/2020 22:36

No he's not saying he's too busy he's saying he's too important to do the crap stuff that comes up in everyday life. He is looking for a maid/housekeeper who will move in and do it for him for no pay (AKA a girlfriend)

Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 22:39

@worriedandannoyed

Wow this is possibly why he's not with his kids mums anymore. I had a husband like that once.

I'd be very cautious at helping him as he'll start to ask for more and more.

I helped him out with the cake etc because DC would have gone without. I wasn't happy, and he knew it. I did say How can you forget to get the birthday stuff, he just replied with...Yep...Im just so busy. I don't volunteer any help, I will do it if he asks and I can. I do make excuses sometimes when he asks as I feel he can more than cope with whatever it is. I am not going to be used as a cleaner or personal assistant.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 22:43

@Londonmummy66

No he's not saying he's too busy he's saying he's too important to do the crap stuff that comes up in everyday life. He is looking for a maid/housekeeper who will move in and do it for him for no pay (AKA a girlfriend)
Maybe you're right. However, why would you let your house get dirty/messy, not get birthday stuff for your DC on the off chance someone else (me) would do it for him? I haven't cleaned his house for months. I haven't stayed over in months, although I have been round to his for a drink. There has been times when there has been no clean dishes, I just clean what I need, usually a cup. I am purposely not cleaning for him, I know, and he knows, He is more than capable.
OP posts:
converseandjeans · 01/07/2020 22:43

I can't see the attraction of being with him. He's busy and moans, doesn't clean his house & can't be bothered with his kids when he doesn't have them that often.
Is he a key worker? Isn't he having to home school?

Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 22:52

@converseandjeans

I can't see the attraction of being with him. He's busy and moans, doesn't clean his house & can't be bothered with his kids when he doesn't have them that often. Is he a key worker? Isn't he having to home school?
He isn't a key worker, 1 of his dc is going to school as they are in 1 of the years that have gone back, the other does home schooling. I ask what school work DC has done at home today, and he says, oh, he read his book. Not my kids, not my argument, That's between him and the dc's mum. I think what frustrates me is the fact he can never seem to plan ahead, even the simple stuff like buying bread for the kids sandwiches, or having clean plates for the dinner that is cooking in the oven.
OP posts:
Elieza · 01/07/2020 22:53

Does he earn a lot? He could get a cleaner if he can afford it. I’d tell him if his house is dirty. One of the reasons I split with my ex.

I think he just prioritises his work as he likes it and doesn’t like housework.

I’m glad you could sort the forgotten birthday for dc. I’d say his dad is bang out of order forgetting that. How could he? Unbelievable.

There are plenty people working a full on job and being a single parent, still manage to clean the house and give their child a fab birthday.

Perhaps he needs to start saying no to his boss (and clocking off when his contracted hours are done). Unless he fears for his job security.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 01/07/2020 23:00

If his job is that high powered, he should pay a cleaner.

Please don't move in and do it for free.

I understand you stepping in, but maybe he needs to see his disappointed childs face to get it.

Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 23:01

@Elieza

Does he earn a lot? He could get a cleaner if he can afford it. I’d tell him if his house is dirty. One of the reasons I split with my ex.

I think he just prioritises his work as he likes it and doesn’t like housework.

I’m glad you could sort the forgotten birthday for dc. I’d say his dad is bang out of order forgetting that. How could he? Unbelievable.

There are plenty people working a full on job and being a single parent, still manage to clean the house and give their child a fab birthday.

Perhaps he needs to start saying no to his boss (and clocking off when his contracted hours are done). Unless he fears for his job security.

I am always telling him to tell his boss if he is too busy/big work load. I don't really believe he is as busy as he makes out to be though.

I definitely believe he doesn't like housework and that's a big reason why he doesn't do it, But then who enjoys doing the housework? Don't we all have to be grownups and just get on with it?

He didn't forget it was DC birthday, he was going on about it all day, It was only when I said, what food did you get for nibbles that he "realised" he hadn't got any, He had done a delivery food shop the day before.

I want to tell him his house needs a good clean, but I don't want to be a bitch about it, and not sure how to bring the subject up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 23:03

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury

If his job is that high powered, he should pay a cleaner.

Please don't move in and do it for free.

I understand you stepping in, but maybe he needs to see his disappointed childs face to get it.

I have no intention of moving in, Not to this house anyway. Maybe you're right, he does need to "let" his kids down for him to realise that sometimes you cant be to busy!
OP posts:
netstaller · 01/07/2020 23:04

Just tell him straight about his house, if it's affecting you visiting then it's an issue. He sounds like he needs a few home truths, so just tell him straight.

FlamedToACrisp · 01/07/2020 23:04

Agree he needs to hire a cleaner. In your position I'd be saying, "When I come round here and you haven't even bothered to tidy up, I feel as if I'm not important to you."

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2020 23:05

I couldn’t be doing with this at all. He’s choosing to be neglectful, forgetful, unhygienic, a crap dad and a whiny demanding boyfriend. You don’t even live together. Cut your losses.

Ozzie9523 · 01/07/2020 23:07

Time to get out, now. He won’t change and you’re setting yourself up for a life of frustration and arguments. Why do it to yourself? He’s showing you who he is.

Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 23:08

Oh, he could definitely afford a cleaner, he is just too tight to fork out for one. Maybe I could suggest it though next time he complains about being to busy.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/07/2020 23:08

Does he have any good points?

justilou1 · 01/07/2020 23:09

I’m guessing he’s way too busy for you too, if you really think about it...

TriangularRatbag · 01/07/2020 23:10

The poor menz, what a bunch of lazy whingers.

marly11 · 01/07/2020 23:12

It won't end well IMHO. When I met my ex he was like this but didn't have kids so it wasn't glaringly obvious to me at the time - he had a messy house and couldn't really plan or anticipate things but I didn't really clock it clearly. Having just left him 15 years later, I can look back and see that this way of being should have been enough to put me off. I can't respect a man that can't be an adult and it's just not sexy or admirable.

Waitingandwaitingandwaiting · 01/07/2020 23:18

I think we are super busy....2 working parents and primary school aged kids. Amazon prime solves many problems and our cleaner/housekeeper/nanny solves the rest. She literally does the stuff I don’t have time to do. He needs one of those.

Original poster
Fluffyslippers02 · 01/07/2020 23:19

@Mumoftwoyoungkids

Does he have any good points?
He does, and I suppose I'm not being fair. When it isn't a week day, he doesn't moan about his work load, we spend our free time together going out or whatever. He makes me laugh, he is considerate to how me and his kids are feeling. Maybe, because I haven't said anything about his house to him directly, he doesn't see it as a problem? Maybe because the kids don't complain to him about not doing school work he doesn't realise its a big deal. I know if I hadn't had gone to get nibbles and cake, he would have got them a takeaway and made it up that way so the kids wouldn't have known any different? He is a worry-er, just about the wrong, unimportant stuff, But will focus on that small, unimportant thing and not move on till it is sorted.
OP posts:
Flyingagainstreason · 01/07/2020 23:22

Poor kids.
I actually get really angry at people who are too busy crap at cleaning but won’t, even though they can afford it, get a cleaner.
I mean the likelihood is his kids will hate coming to see him as they get older.
You’ll probably leave him

So what’s he doing, waiting it out for someone else to take on the responsibility.

All he needs to do is pay £30 p/ w for someone to make his life easier

Limpid · 01/07/2020 23:24

He’s just an inefficient, disorganised worker, by the sounds of it.

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