AIBU to be sick to death of hearing..."Im just so busy...."?

[Fluffyslippers02]

DP has his 2 DC 2 nights a week and every other weekend , He is currently working from home due to the demon virus, It is quite a pressured role, however, doesn't have any less or more work then he would have if he was to work from his office/site. It was his eldest's birthday last week, he forgot to buy the birthday cake and nibbles because "he is just so busy" so I ran round the supermarket an hour before the kids were due to his house( we don't live together) getting stuff, then I receive a phone call while I'm there...he had also forgot to buy wrapping paper and a card,because he is "just so busy" . His house is a like a students house, its a mess, he can't tidy it because he is "just so busy". He struggles/stresses with everyday stuff like school drop offs/pick ups, food shop, laundry, school work with the DC. I dread when he rings because I know all he will say is..Im just so busy. I don't know what to say to him any more, he says it every single time he rings, which could be once a day, could be 5 times a day (surprised he can find the time, what with him being so busy),and he says it in that poor me voice, which really winds me up. Today he rang and said he is just so busy, I was like, how come?(I don't normally ask, I used to then would get a lecture, so I stopped asking) He said," I have a virtual meeting at X time, then pick dc up from school, I've got to load the dishwasher because I've got no clean dishes, then I suppose i'll have to do the kids tea!!"
AIBU in thinking that all this stuff is just life, its nothing out of the ordinary? I work,do house work, kids stuff etc daily and I have my DC every day.
BTW - He always used to say he was just so busy when he was on site too

Please don't have kids with him. He's already neglecting the ones he has.

There's always a reason why the first woman broke up with him. Always. Look for those reasons.

Dump him and find someone who respects you enough to wash a cup for you and make their house welcoming for you.

Are you dating my exh?

Definitely bring up the state of the house if it is getting to you. I think a quick explosion of "FFS! Why are there no clean cups?! When was the last time you washed up? This house is ridiculous!" would help bring it to his attention.

It was kind of you to ensure the child wasn't disappointed. I'm glad you're not falling into the trap of doing it for him. But you know if you ever move in together, you'll be expected to do everything.

He is neglecting his children's needs. The house, including kitchen and bathroom are dirty all the time. Does he clean their clothes? He neglects their education- does he not care about their development?
Does their mother know what state their other home is in? Those poor children.

I would not expect you to lift a finger to help him- it isn't on your shoulders in any way- but if it was my children I'd want to know like a shot if they had to live like this and more importantly we're not having their needs met.

He sounds like he’s waiting for you to save him by moving in, and hey, you are shopping/cooking/cleaning for your D.C. so it would be cruel of you not to include his.

He is telling you that these things - his children - aren’t important enough to figure in his thoughts or plans. That makes him selfish and not a good potential role model/step dad for your D.C. in the future.

Honestly, I’d be moving on after the birthday thing alone. The food you could pass off but not card, cake or wrapping paper?! Come off it. I’d suggest there’s a reason he is an ex of his poor wife.

The good points you've listed wouldn't outweigh his disorganisation, selfishness and laziness, for me. And it is lazy, not to do the basics that need to be done.

Think it’s a very bad sign if he doesn’t prioritise his kids birthdays to be honest. It would put me off him, as would the messy house and tightness over a cleaner?

Time for a serious chat with him, OP. He is giving off all the signals of wanting a maid to do it for him. Well done for not giving in most of the time.

The question here is whether you see a future in this relationship where you might one day live together. If that's something you would like, he needs to become a functioning adult first!

We have half discussed moving in together, However, due to circumstance, its gong to be a long way down the road. I will have a discussion with him when it naturally comes up again, see how he responds and go from there.

I've never looked at it in the way people have mentioned on here, I've always just thought that it's his house, and if that's how he wants to live, then its nothing to do with me.

The kids are always well dressed and clean, and so is he, and they don't smell. I would definitely say something to him if they did.

He has said that he thinks my standards are too high, I will clean up every time r I have finished with whatever, Will clean the bath/shower after every use. He does clean, well, wipe down, the bath etc, just not every time he uses it, he has a pile of washing by the washing machine all the time, although, it is a different pile every time, so I suppose he must do the laundry. He leaves it in a pile in a basket in the spare room after taking it out the dryer and irons what he needs when he needs it, I iron after every load. Maybe my standards are just higher than his.

He lets the kids get toys out and he puts them away once they are in bed, as supposed to putting one away before another is taken out.

I'm going to take a step back from his "needs" and see what happens. Maybe if he has no one to rescue him all the time he will need to buck up a bit?

Um
After you’re update. I indeed think you’re high maintenance
What’s wrong with ironing as you go.
What’s wrong with cleaning the bathroom once a week, I just spray showershine in between
I live with washing up to be done the next day. Doesn’t bother me.
I have a pile of washing always.

I mean you stepped in to suggest a cake and nibbles. But you say later they would have been perfectly happy with a takeaway and wouldn’t have noticed?

I think ultimately you just aren’t suited