The only one not called Auntie...

[fayk88]

My boyfriend has a 1 year old nephew and his sister has made it clear i’m not his ‘Auntie’. I’d be ok with this except she refers to all of her other siblings and in laws partners (married and unmarried) as ‘Auntie X’ and ‘Uncle Z’ and it’s started to feel quite nasty.

Am I unreasonable to be offended/upset by this? I didn’t expect or ask to be called Auntie and have never referred to myself in this way but the more she makes a point of it the more it stings.

We’re in a happy and serious relationship, have been together for 5 years, own a house together and are hoping to have a family soon. I’ve never had any sort of disagreement or fall out with her or with any member of his family. There is some awkwardness with one of his other siblings and their partner as they have always been unwelcoming but I’ve never so much as raised an eyebrow in response.

I’d never say anything to his sister and really I don’t wish for him to either as I could only see it ending with me looking bad. Saying that if I was made to feel like this in any other dynamic I wouldn’t put up with it.

@FizzyGreenWater

Good advice.

OP, you are getting a lesson in the pecking order, and where you are placed.

His response of "she won't mean anything by it"..is bullshit.
He's excusing her rudeness to you.

I certainly wouldn't have it.

He's desplaying weakness.

Weak men are not attractive and make shit partners.

This is a taste of what your life will be like if he is happy for you to be treated thus.

Don't kid yourself that this is a small thing.
This is going to show you who he is.

So will you be Uncle Whateveryourpartnersnameis and Fayk?

If he then tells you that yes, he's noticed it and he feels awkward but doesn't know how to raise it... or tells you that actually, she's always been a cow to him too but he didn't want to drag it all up and don't worry, if we have kids I don't really want a close relationship... all fine.

He did initially say ‘maybe you’re being overly sensitive I haven’t noticed that’ but then he witnessed it. She normally says things out his ear shot. She loves to say this is his favourite teddy from ‘Uncle X’ (it’s was from me and she knows it) or ‘How much do you love Auntie X and Auntie X and haven’t you missed them’ whilst I’m right there but he’s elsewhere.

He’s called his sister manipulative many times and told me stories of things that happened long before I met him which sound incredibly manipulative (he’s 30 and she’s 37 and I’m talking 10 - 15 years ago). I presumed she’d matured although now I’ve seen this side to her I’m not sure there would ever be an end point if we called her out on it. My gut feeling is she may be better ignored.

To be really clear it’s not that I want and defiantly don’t expect to be this child’s Auntie. No policy over marriage in either family, nobody’s religious.

Her actions feel deliberate and mean. I do think, as has been pointed out, she is implying our relationship in her eyes has less value/is not as serious as any of the other unmarried couples and trying to show me where I am in her version of the pecking order... Maybe this is what he should be bring up with her casually rather than bringing up the ‘auntie’ issue. This would however be out of character for him and she’d know i’d said something even if he was very casual. On the other hand it’ll piss her off more not letting her see its impacted me or him...

She dislikes you enough to manipulate her young child into learning that you have no value in their lives. I would cease contact with them. If you have children they will be cousins. This woman sounds unhinged and nasty enough to bully your children. For some reason when I was little, my friend's mum went out of her way to let everyone know how much she disliked me and would invite me to parties and events to make sure I was ridiculed and left out. Luckily I didn't give a toss, but it could have been awful for me. This woman sounds like my friend's mum. Please go no contact and before you do, call her out on it.

Totally agree with who ever said week man are shit partners.

She does it be because she can. She knows he's weak.

I wonder what her other siblings would say if she gave their spouses this treatment?

*weak

I can see people are mostly agreeing with you and I do in part. However I do feel it's up to the parents who is classed as auntie and uncle, to an extent. It depends a lit on how often you see them in my experience and how you partner has been as a brother and uncle both now and in the past.
The reason I say this is because my brothers partner is not auntie to my children because I don't see them often. Also, because of the way my brother has treated relationships in the past, I don't feel comfortable with my children becoming attached to his partner yet. However, if they had been together for 5 years I think I would possibly feel differently.
Imo, auntie is a title to be earnt so marriage shouldn't come into it. For what it's worth, my brother is also not referred to as uncle due to his shitness but that's just me

From your update OP, he does indeed want you to suck it up.

He knows well she's a bitch and a bully.

She's going to a lot of effort to be unkind to you.

As a much older woman, I would tell you to think very hard about going down the long road of having your feelings dismissed, being told you are sensitive...when you clearly are not, and committing your life to a man that is weak and scared of his big sister.

Having children and being tied to your partners family is a very long term commitment and MN is full of women who would tell you to run rather than get attached to a weak man and his nasty family......

You do know this now, it has been clearly conveyed to you, so your choices will be what you live with.

So many women on here did not have the benefit of this and have regrets.

There is a particular type of loneliness of being in a relationship with someone who dismisses your feelings.....a real palpable loneliness that makes you feel so invisible and unimportant in your own life.

Personally, there isn't a man alive worth walking open eyed in to a future like that.

He is showing you EXACTLY how important you are in the scheme of things.

Focus on your self esteem and where it's at, if you are inclined to ignore all of the above.

Either way, I wish you well

Sort this out before you give birth to this woman's neice/nephew and her mother's grandchild.

Weak men are not good partners.

Tell him straight. No, I'm not being sensitive. I'm letting you know that I won't be assigned a place in the family pecking order on you sister's say-so. I will be withdrawing from now on and you can either back me up or not.

How is his mother with you?

His family may have a policy over marriage.

This made me guffaw.

His Mum is lovely and I have a good (although not particularly close) relationship with her.

I’m not sure his siblings would say anything if this was their partner... There are a lot of subtle dynamics going on though and it’s hard to fully unravel.

One of his brothers is pretty awful to his girlfriend and makes no effort with her at all. She does do a lot of running around after him and his family (with little thanks) and is close with his sister. This brother openly sneers when my bf does things with me e.g. ‘why would you go to that wedding when there’s a match on’ or ‘you’re under the thumb’. Honestly he probably does prefer sport to lunch with my friends but he always shows up and joins in and I can’t fault him here.

His sisters husband rarely visits or joins in with their family and I’ve heard his parents comment on this and say ‘I don’t think he likes us’.

I told him straight away I wasn’t just being sensitive. We haven’t spoken about it for a while but he’s been checking in on me so his actions show me that he knows it’s not ok. I will have another conversation with him about it now I’ve had more time to process it though to make sure we’re on the same page. I won’t be asking him to do anything now or to comment on the Auntie thing but I would like him to be prepared to pull her next time her behaviour towards me crosses the line.