The only one not called Auntie...

[fayk88]

My boyfriend has a 1 year old nephew and his sister has made it clear i’m not his ‘Auntie’. I’d be ok with this except she refers to all of her other siblings and in laws partners (married and unmarried) as ‘Auntie X’ and ‘Uncle Z’ and it’s started to feel quite nasty.

Am I unreasonable to be offended/upset by this? I didn’t expect or ask to be called Auntie and have never referred to myself in this way but the more she makes a point of it the more it stings.

We’re in a happy and serious relationship, have been together for 5 years, own a house together and are hoping to have a family soon. I’ve never had any sort of disagreement or fall out with her or with any member of his family. There is some awkwardness with one of his other siblings and their partner as they have always been unwelcoming but I’ve never so much as raised an eyebrow in response.

I’d never say anything to his sister and really I don’t wish for him to either as I could only see it ending with me looking bad. Saying that if I was made to feel like this in any other dynamic I wouldn’t put up with it.

Just did a survey and realise the majority of responses above mine boil down to "it's your DP's responsibility/fault"/"is it because you're unmarried?"

Suggest these are not useful responses OP and you only look at the others.

Do the other unmarried siblings have children? If they are parents of cousins, it would make a difference.

I'd be fine with it and I'd be completely disengaged from the kid and its parents.

More you-time can't be a bad thing.

That sounds difficult, OP, and YANBU to feel bad and be upset. I'd expect your DP to ask his sister why you're singled out when you've been together so long and you're not the only unmarried but you're best placed to judge what would make you look bad. I suspect that as you've talked about not wanting to 'look bad' then it sounds like she'd the type that you'd you'll struggle to have a good relationship with.

I'd ignore the PPs who have purist views about only being an auntie when you're married given how the world has moved on in terms of recognising unmarried relationships in the last thirty-odd years. You've been together for five years and are planning a family. I'd explain it this way - suppose you get married in seven years' time. Would they expect the seven year old to stop calling you just Fayk which they have for seven years then start calling you Auntie Fayk because you got married. In my experience, people who tend to be purist about aspects of religion and law like this tend to have enormous gaps in other areas when it suits them (motes and beams).

All I can say is that you should be clear with your DP that he'll be buying the presents and cards for his nephew and when you have children and he'd better realise his sister absolutely won't ever be an 'auntie' to yours even though she's his sister. It sounds petty but it might make him understand and sort things out with his sister and realise he shouldn't expect you to receive poor treatment without complaint.

Good luck.

I'm sure the child will call you auntie anyway as that what they will call all the other female adults your age in the family.

I would just pretend I didn't notice to be honest.

But also yes let your partner organise gifts for his family. He should do that anyway.

I could understand her reasoning if it was based on marriage but it’s defiantly not. Only one of his other married siblings has a 2 year old daughter and they’re lovely and have never excluded me - they don’t use titles with anybody except Grandparents.

She obviously just doesn’t like me but it’s been quite passive aggressive so it wasn’t that obvious until recently.

It’s possible one specific siblings partners has said something but it wouldn’t be substantial as nothing has ever been said or done...

We’re both the same race and grew up in the same area so its not a cultural difference. We are different personalities and our family dynamics are a bit different, not vastly but we did take a bit of time to adjust in the very early days.

I don’t usually hesitate on calling somebody out but the thought of him even speaking with his sister in nice casual way makes me feel so uncomfortable! I’m think he would but I have asked him not to. He genuinely hadn’t noticed until she made quite a statement recently. His first response was ‘she wont mean anything by it’ but he did keep checking in to see if I was ok after so he knows. He struggles to call his siblings out in general. We do speak about it and he always tries to make sure I’m involved and checks in.

She sounds awful but if you and your DP are in this for the long haul I wouldn’t let it come between you and the kids. Children can’t be told who to to like or love, it comes naturally to them. If you are a loving, consistent presence in their life they will love you regardless of what title their mum picks for you. I had and still have aunts and uncles who I had very little time for and conversely, family friends and more distant relations that I loved very much. Now I’m an adult I’m aware that some of the ones I liked and wanted to be with were very definitely not the ones my parents preferred!

If she was being pedantic I could sort of understand calling married partners ‘auntie/uncle’ but unmarried partners not (although I personally don’t do this, my DH’s brother’s long-term girlfriends are called auntie by my DC as it would feel ridiculous to suddenly change it if/when they do get married) but if she is literally making an exception just for you, it sounds like she’s trying to make a point. Do the unmarried partners who are being called auntie have children? Not that it should really matter!

she wont mean anything by it

This jumped out at me. I put up with YEARS of nasty comments that my FIL directed at me, but the family always defended him by saying things like, 'he doesn't mean anything by it'. Oh yes he bloody did! This is awful PA behaviour - your BF needs to say something.

Aw, fuck her. I had a sil like this. Miserable cow. I concluded she didn't like me cos I was considerably younger than her. After several years of it I just phased her out. Told dh he was v welcome to visit his brother/nephews but I had no intention of ever doing so again. Saw her roughly twice a year when pil alive. Not since.

No, you need to talk to him about it.

To be blunt, it looks like a deliberate snub. If he's close to family and you're being snubbed or frozen out subtly by one of them that he is close to, then you NEED to sort it out before you even think of having kids. Don't sign up for getting tied to a family who are going to piss around with you - it will spoil your own experience of family and drive a wedge. Especially if they expect to be close and involved with your kids... who they will see as not yours - but their brother's kids.

So talk to him, say exactly what you've said here and say, there's obviously a problem, what do you think about this? And if he's anything other than 100% supportive then put the brakes on having kids and tell him so. If he then tells you that yes, he's noticed it and he feels awkward but doesn't know how to raise it... or tells you that actually, she's always been a cow to him too but he didn't want to drag it all up and don't worry, if we have kids I don't really want a close relationship... all fine.

But if you get 'Oh you're imagining it, I'm sure you'll eventually be Auntie, she can be funny like that, but she's my sis, you're too sensitive...'

...then NO. You tell him you won't even consider having children with someone who will stand up for a family member over you, when they're snubbing you and you haven't done anything wrong.

How he reacts is everything. It's obvious she's being a bitch to you. Don't overlook that. Have the HIGHEST standards for the family who will be relatives to your own children.

@Dr273 thank you! I’ve never posted on here before and I didn’t mean to do a survey! I didn't expect to get a response but it’s been really helpful to have other peoples opinions.

I became an Aunty the day we got married.

I understand why you feel that way.

On a more important note, do the kids like you and treat you as an auntie? You can give someone any title you like (or not), it doesn't mean a child will definitely feel a certain way towards that person.

He genuinely hadn’t noticed until she made quite a statement recently. His first response was ‘she wont mean anything by it’ but he did keep checking in to see if I was ok after so he knows. He struggles to call his siblings out in general. We do speak about it and he always tries to make sure I’m involved and checks in.

Well that's good, but... if you said, I won't be happy having her involved in return and I won't be referring to her as Auntie if we had a baby and I would expect you to back me up in not involving her more than is polite - would he?

I have a nasty feeling that she is bullying you partly because she knows her brother is passive. That if he were more gung-ho, this wouldn't be happening because she would know he wouldn't stand for it.

Nasty cow, but the bottom line is - if you had a baby, she'd make sure she was involved and would get very aggro if you put up barriers, I would think.

Perhaps better for your fiance to start referrign to himself as just firstname, not Uncle? 'Oh if you think it's better than Auntie and Uncle, we'll just be Sue and Dan sis, it's fine! We can do the same with you and Bil when we hopefully have a baby - haha sounds younger at least doesn't it?!

A subtle call out to draw a boundary. Put her in her place.

This happens in my family with second marriages. The first marriages get auntie and uncle second marriages and unmarried just known by their first name.

It stings. I’ve only one niece and nephew...blood relations...they’ve never ever referred to me as auntie as their mother hated me (even though I was a small child and she was an adult when we first met.

It really really hurts and I get it...BUT...

I’ve got friends who’s kids spontaneously call me Auntie. I genuinely thought I’d never hear those words. Then one day this adorable little two year old stared up in my face and said “KISSES AUNTIE? Please? Thank you Auntie. Lovvoooo Auntie”

And I honestly stopped caring that I was “Auntie” to my actual DNs.

Plus...my SIL’s evil intentions failed. Because even though they don’t call me Auntie they still love me a lot and want to spend time with me. They are adults now and see their mum as little as possible and me as much as possible.

Karma will out her, trust me. Kids will ask questions and it’s HER it will be awkward for. The worst revenge is “kill em with kindness”. Show her up for the nasty piece of work she is.

I mean, he doesn't need to be confrontational. Simply start referring to himself as just first name, along with you. She'll notice it. Believe you me. It will make a subtle point, just as she's doing. He needs an answer ready for when she brings it up - 'Oh! Well you didn't seem to want us to be Auntie and Uncle, that's fine, we can do the same for you guys when we have kids-?' Polite, but letting her know - she freezes you out = she freezes out her brother and his family.

He needs to show her he's on your team and she does not get to freeze you out without consequences.

What a nasty bitch.

Even if you deal with the aunty issue in any of the ways described here, your bf's sister will still be a nasty bitch. So I don't know what the answer is.

I suppose it depends on how much it stings and what you want to do but the suggestion from FizzyGreenWater is a pretty decent way of addressing it without confronting anyone.

I do think you should at least talk to your DP properly about it so that whatever you decide to do, you do as a unit.

I had this! We were married and I was still not referred to as Auntie but it was MIL that really laboured the point of Uncle X and (my name).
I wasn’t really bothered (my family never really use uncle or auntie) but my husband was.
Just rise above it. It’s really not important and just makes them look stupid and petty. Xx

Start planting the seed of how unreasonable she is being. Be the most fun and supportive auntie ever. Have conversations in earshot saying you love being Auntie Fay and can't wait until when, in a couple of years, if their parents allow it, you'll might be able to do Auntie days out with all your nieces and nephews to zoo or trips to cinema, or movie night sleep overs to let parents have a night out etc together.

If she mentions her ds, say you understand and it's ok if she doesn't want him involved with you, he is her child so absolutely her decision.

We had this is my family. An uncles insisting his girlfriend was called auntie, a title which is a big deal in my family.

They split up, and hasn’t seen or asked after her ‘niece’ or ‘nephew’ since.

At the end of the day it’s just a word. It’s the relationship that counts.

And I would say I am really close with my nephew. He is nine and has recently dropped the auntie - sounds cooler in front of his mates and is quicker to say my name.

Doesn’t bother me at all.

Pick your arguments, does it really matter, legally you aren’t his aunt but will be once your married. His family may have a policy over marriage. In the grand scheme of things this is pretty insignificant.