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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DP with all 4 kids and go and take some time to myself?

54 replies

Haut · 01/07/2020 13:58

I have two children one of which has autism and can be alot to handle and as much as I adore them I never get a break.

DP also has two older children (one of which also has autism albeit high functioning) and they're coming to stay for the night. DP has taken a holiday from work so will be home for the week.

I want to utilise his being home and go for a wander round the shops by myself today and maybe grab a coffee somewhere. Just to be me for a few hours child free.

DP isn't thrilled about that because it means him having to stay in with the kids as opposed to going to, say, the park - because he doesn't think it's doable for him to take all 4 on his own (my eldest is a sprinter and will run off, and my youngest will be in the pram)

AIBU to just go out as planned and leave him with all 4 for the afternoon? I never get the chance to be child free and I want a break.

He's never left to it with all of the kids and i think it will give him a deeper appreciation of just how bloody hard it is for us mums.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 01/07/2020 14:39

The fact he doesn't leave you with all 4 is irrelevant by the way - two of them aren't your children!

Original poster
Haut · 01/07/2020 14:40

If he wanted me to have all 4 myself so he could do XYZ I wouldn't mind. I love spending time with the older kids.

It just so happens that he has them based around when he is and isn't working so the situation has never arisen where I've had them by myself.

I've just suggested to him we go to the park together now and then I head on to the shops on my own afterwards which felt like a good compromise.

He said he doesn't want to go to the park now and I should stick to my original plan and we'll go to the park tomorrow instead.

OP posts:
Bluebird3456 · 01/07/2020 14:41

So it’s only fair for a man to have all his children for a few hours if his wife always does it first?

No that's not what I'm saying at all. Just maybe that she might put herself in his shoes? It's a really easy fix - she can go the next day - so doing it deliberately so he is left with all 4, even though he doesn't seem confident, just seems strange really.

I also thought the OP's kids are not the DP's kids, might be wrong though.

Original poster
Haut · 01/07/2020 14:43

My children are DP's children, then he has two older ones to his ex wife who come here to us 3 x a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haut · 01/07/2020 14:44

I don't make a habit of leaving him with all 4, today is the only time I have wanted to.

OP posts:
Bluebird3456 · 01/07/2020 14:47

My children are DP's children, then he has two older ones to his ex wife who come here to us 3 x a week.

Ah, sorry, my mistake.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2020 14:49

Are you saying he has one day per week just to himself and you have no time to yourself?

stairgates · 01/07/2020 14:53

He seems to be looking forward to his afternoon with all 4 so go ahead and enjoy yoursSmile Tomorrow will be all the more fun if you have had a nice breather today.

lyralalala · 01/07/2020 14:54

I think it's a bit harsh to do it today when you could do it tomorrow without impacting the visiting children.

Plus you could have the whole day to yourself if he only had the two, rather than the few hours you planned to have today

Pirandello24 · 01/07/2020 15:03

Can you imagine a man writing this post?! And then lots of men replying, dissecting, arguing points Grin. It would never bloody happen!

Happynow001 · 01/07/2020 15:03

Why are you still talking to us OP? Off you go! 😁

Olsi109 · 01/07/2020 16:03

Why should she have all 4? Only 2 are her children - all 4 are DH’s. I hope you’ve gone and had a jolly good time.

LunchBoxPolice · 01/07/2020 16:15

I don’t see the problem. They are his children, why shouldn’t he look after them on his own?

reinacorriendo · 01/07/2020 16:24

Why should we always make the man happy? When’s our time, well being and happiness?

They are children, his children, I’m sure he will cope, I’m the thoughts of leaving OP whilst he goes off on his weekly hobby time doesn’t even enter his head, he’s just got the Mel Gibson braveheart FREEEEEEDOM ringing through him.

Coffee and peace...bliss

Original poster
Haut · 01/07/2020 16:28

Checking in from the queue in H&M with a nice new pair of jeans. Success Grin

OP posts:
Frustratedandworried · 01/07/2020 16:32

So glad you went! We have 4 ( all autistic) and I regularly take time for myself including 3-4 day breaks abroad when needed. DH is free to so this also ... its needed when you know we are likely to be caring for at least 3 of them into adulthood and beyond

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 01/07/2020 16:41

Well done !

Can't believe suggestions that you shouldn't go because it will impact HIS children!!

It's the bloody step parent police at it again. 'You married a man with children so are NEVER allowed to do anything that doesn't impact DSC...

How about this Bluebird3456 .. he learns what having the FOUR children he chose to have, for a few hours . Then one day this week he can take his older children out on their own for the afternoon..?
He already gets unequal downtime .

Hope you are having a fab afternoon OP.. next time make it a whole day. Plan something with friends and let him have your 2 to himself all day. Give him a taste of your everyday life . Then when you have done that a few times he will be expert enough in time for your weekend away Wink....

Please don't become one of those parents who 'can't go anywhere' because DH 'doesn't know how to cope' .. nip this in the bud and train him up NOW !

Comtesse · 01/07/2020 16:46

OP it is completely fine! Don’t leave it so long next time!

CloudsCoveredTheSky · 01/07/2020 16:51

If he can't deal with four kids, he shouldn't have fathered four kids.

Bluebird3456 · 01/07/2020 16:58

How about this Bluebird3456 .. he learns what having the FOUR children he chose to have, for a few hours

I have already said I thought the four children were two of the OP's and two of the DP's, i.e. none shared, and I have apologised for that mistake... I have never suggested OP should never have time to herself or anything like that.

nopoo · 01/07/2020 17:00

Hurrah @Haut !!!

I also have 4DC, one of whom has ASD, and for years I didn't take time for myself.

This last year, I have. And everyone has survived.

I realised how run down I was getting.

Good luck!

startrek90 · 01/07/2020 17:28

Hope you enjoyed your afternoon. YANBU. They are his children and tbh it's pretty pathetic that he can't look after them all, special needs included. You need to do this more often. My husband has a 'game night' with his friends every week that I accommodate and am happy to do so, but I do expect that on the rare occurance I want to go out/do something that my husband accommodates me. Which he does in fairness, that's how a partnership is supposed to work. You say he gets a regular day to himself once a week then he needs to be gracious and not strop when you take a few hours to yourself.

I learnt the hard way that not having a break and martyring yourself is not good for you or the kids. In my case I ended up in hospital for a month and my kids really struggled with not having me around all of a sudden. It does kids good having to get used to not always having mum/stepmum around all the time.

QuestionMarkNow · 01/07/2020 17:29

So actually the youngest two are not YOUR children but HIS children.

He is a father of 4, two of them have some disabilities. Up to him to handle them. He choose to have them after all...

I would also ask why he can have a whole day for himself every week but somehow you don't.

WendyHoused · 01/07/2020 17:33

Congratulations on the new jeans, OP!

DamnYankee · 01/07/2020 17:33

YANBU