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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t like his grandson

35 replies

Scoobydoobydo · 30/06/2020 22:48

....and I feel awful about it.
I met by partner about 15 years ago and he had 1 grandchild. All was well. But since then more have been more and he has a total of 8 grandchildren.
He is a very good Grandfather and takes an interest in all of them and they regularly come and stay overnight.
One of them I actually dislike for no apparent reason and I feel crap about it. He is a typical 6 year old boy. He is a bit of a sneaky child but nothing that warrants this dislike I have for him.
When he comes to stay I actually find myself going out of my way to be extra nice to him, playing with him and cooking him whatever he likes, whilst inside I am cringing about the way he talks, his table manners and the like.
I am ashamed to feel this way about an innocent child.
What is wrong with me?
I love his other grandchildren as if they were mine, but not this one.
I thought long and hard about posting this, but would appreciate if anyone has been in this situation and how they turned it around

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 30/06/2020 22:54

It’s a fact of life you cannot feel the same way about everyone. Often when there is a blood tie feelings of love develop when they most definitely wouldn’t if there was no blood link.

If you remain kind and treat all his grandchildren equally I see no reason to feel too bad. There’s plenty of time for this to change. For some reason we all feel worse for disliking specific children but less bad about adults.

RollingWithMyGnomies · 30/06/2020 22:56

I think you’re really brave to admit that you don’t like a child...Many wouldn’t.

But ultimately even though they can be absolute arseholes at times can’t you rise above it? I meant it’s a 6 year old. Unless he’s kicking your puppy how can you ‘dislike’ him as much as you say? What’s he doing to provoke you? Have you spoken to your partner about it

ViciousJackdaw · 30/06/2020 22:59

It sounds as though it's not him you dislike but some of his behaviours. That's perfectly fine, we simply cannot like every single thing every person on God's green earth does. The main thing is that you are trying your best and are kind. In time, he'll grow out of whatever it is that makes you cringe. So don't beat yourself up.

LastRoloIsMine · 30/06/2020 23:03

Grin and bare it.
From when she was the age of about 6 to 14 I disliked my niece. She was spoilt bratty and just unpleasant. I never showed it and treated her with kindness and like my other nieces and nephews.
We are now very close as she is a lovely teenager and I love spending time with her.

1neverending · 30/06/2020 23:10

I understand how you feel, I have 10 nephews and nieces and two nieces have always made feel me uncomfortable even since they were about 4 yrs old and one is now 18. They are lovely, polite, shy girls who honestly make my skin crawl.

I feel terrible but I've never had them over for a sleep over and there is nothing rationale about my feelings.

I obviously do my best to hide it and have never admitted it to anyone in real life.

66redballons · 30/06/2020 23:27

I think it’s the behaviour you don’t like , be patient,

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/06/2020 23:31

Could you be projecting your past experiences onto him? Unless he’s going around hurting people and animals this seems like a very extreme reaction to an innocent child. Perhaps also read about NPD - not saying you have it, but one of the signs is scapegoating a child. If that was done to you you are more likely to repeat the cycleZ

WorraLiberty · 30/06/2020 23:33

I voted YANBU because I think you've been refreshingly honest.

No advice really other than hang in there as he's only 6.

He could develop into a teenager/young man who you really like.

Freddiefox · 30/06/2020 23:40

I think things are a phase sometimes, I love both my children but sometimes I prefer spending time with one over the other. That doesn’t mean I do but sometimes their phase are more annoying than the next, and then they are onto the next phase

AIMD · 30/06/2020 23:40

I think a lot more people have feelings like this than would admit it. At least you’re aware of it and making sure you aren’t hurting him by reacting badly to him.

It sounds like despite your feelings you are kind and fair to him. Which is all you can do. Is doing more with him actually helpful though or does it just make you more frustrated. I mean it’s nice that you play with him but I wouldn’t force it too much if it ends up adding to the feeling rather than making it better.

Everything1sFine · 30/06/2020 23:43

For what it’s worth, you are managing it well. I would keep doing what you are doing when he’s there and go out sometimes too!

I also wouldn’t be too hard on yourself about it.

ILoveAnOwl · 30/06/2020 23:44

My friend feels like this about one of her actual grandchildren. She loves the others beyond reason, but really dislikes the one. I guess you can't like everyone in life, and sounds like you're doing everything you can to make him feel welcome. Maybe a case of fake it til you make it?

dancinfeet · 01/07/2020 00:01

I cannot abide two of my nieces. They were a pair of sneaky horrible kids who bullied my DD as a toddler (they were 5 and 7 years older than her) and were a pair of manipulative liars as older teens. Am glad to avoid them both as adults and are fully NC with them. Never really had any problems with any of my other nieces and nephews who were all nice kids and are all pretty decent adults. OP , it must be really difficult being in this position, as another poster said, is it more his behaviour and mannerisms that you dislike since you say he hasn't particularly done anything to offend you?

Alexandernevermind · 01/07/2020 07:36

I think really well done for acknowledging your feelings and going out of your way to show love. I am ashamed to say I felt the same about a child in our on family. Within a couple of years they developed into an intelligent, thoughtful child who I adore as if they were my own. It might just be that he is the same - very intelligent - and it come across as a sneaky now. Keep gently correcting manners.

Notajogger · 01/07/2020 07:44

This sounds like it would be a more common issue than you think. One of my nieces really irks me.

StoneCold316 · 01/07/2020 08:15

@GrumpyHoonMain

Honestly, this is way over the top. NPD because she doesn’t like a 6 year old? Also, she’s not scapegoating him. She out of her way to be extra nice to him, presumably because she feels guilty for not liking him more. Narcissists do not feel guilt, mostly because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them and they place blame elsewhere. You can’t just label someone a narcissist from a paragraph they’ve written on mumsnet.

Also, just because a child is not hurting people or animals, doesn’t mean they don’t have other issues.

Honestly sounds like you’re projecting your own issues here

Poetryinaction · 01/07/2020 08:26

Why his grandchild? You met him 15 years ago and the child is 6. You don't like your grandchild.
The way you write sounds very distanced from the child. You say you make an affort, like it's a chore or a favour, like you are doing your bit for your partner.
Think of the child as yours. Invest more.

UnfinishedSymphon · 01/07/2020 08:28

What do you mean by sneaky child?

GreenJumpers · 01/07/2020 08:29

Who or what does this child's behaviour remind you of? I guess he triggers an unconscious memory

namesnames · 01/07/2020 08:37

There is nothing you can do about your feelings.

Continue to be kind to him, that's all you can do, you may find you love him as he grows up.

Waiting42021 · 01/07/2020 08:39

It’s easy to forget that children are ‘people’ too. Yes, they may be less responsible or aware of their actions than an adult, but through life there will always be ‘people’ we dislike, and sometimes it’s difficult to put your finger on why that is. Yes, even if that person is a child.

I feel like this about a child I know. I think on a subconscious level she reminds me of two girls who bullied me incessantly through school. It’s the only time I have EVER felt like this about a child and I find it quite unsettling. I make an effort to treat her nicely and talk to her, and I do hope that as she gets older our relationship with strengthen.

It is difficult and I think you seem to be handling it well.

borntohula · 01/07/2020 08:40

I think it's weird.

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/07/2020 09:06

I don't think it's rational why we don't take to every child or adult, and as long as you are behaving in in a kind welcoming way, I think you are doing all you can. You don't need to be a full-on granny to this child, just be Grandpa's wife and be nice to him. I like most babies and children, but every now and again come across one and think 'thank god that's not my child'. Many people don't even like other people's babies and children. Do you have to spend a lot of time with him?

StressedMom4 · 01/07/2020 09:36

Don't be too hard on yourself, somethings just can't be explained or maybe one day it'll just click why you feel this way. But your doing great going out of your way to give him extra attention and kind, that's all you can do really.

frustrationcentral · 01/07/2020 10:21

Personally I think it's natural to have people you don't click with. I think as long as you don't show it to a child - in anyway shape or form - then it's fine.

In an opposite way I have a niece who has been hard work for her parents to bring up. I have a total soft spot for her, I feel she's totally misunderstood and underneath her behaviour she's a really lovely girl. I don't treat her better than the others, as that wouldn't be right, but I'll always have her back

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