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Original poster

Games consoles coming between relationship?

51 replies

Wingingit2020 · 30/06/2020 13:53

I won't pretend being stuck at home because of Covid-19 hasn't been mind numbingly boring at times, it's just me and my husband (husband 32, i'm 33) who have both been fortunate to be able to work still but there are limited activities to do in the evening. But husband has become somewhat 'addicted' to his playstation. He will play it nearly every evening, for hours on end, headset on and zoned out of any reality whilst leaving clothes, mess, washing up etc to pile up and me, the maid, will clear up. It has been going on for a number of months.

I had a teary day the other day, i'm struggling financially, job is at risk, feeling quite lonely and so on so asked husband in the morning if we could do something together that evening as i've not seen him properly for a few weeks due to work, he has been getting home late and he'll go on the playstation but low and behold, gets home from work and goes straight on to the playstation and there he stays.

The playstation I can tolerate most of the time, I get that there isn't much to do at the moment but when he chooses his virtual reality world over actual reality I find it a big relationship block. Husband will throw money at me saying "go and buy yourself something nice" but that's not what i'm after. I just want a evening where we can do something together and the fact that I was having a cry and it didn't make any difference and it does makes me wonder how much he really cares.

We only married last year and I feel our connection slipping away rapidly.

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do, talking to him about how it bothers me in certain times doesn't work, so what will?

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 30/06/2020 15:53

Well gosh vanillandhoney that certainly put me straight.

There is a substantial and growing body of evidence to suggest video gaming specifically is addictive, whereas I'm not aware of any such evidence in the case of cycling or golf. Happy to be corrected. In any case I wasn't using it as an excuse just saying that sometimes you don't consciously decide to continue playing for long periods.

On the second point 'pick me over your hobby' it rather 'do you actually want to be doing that?' works just fine now and then thanks. Often DH agrees that he doesn't really want to be doing it but is engaging in the compulsion to do it. It works on me when he asks me if pissing about letting people irritate me on Mumsnet is what I really want to be doing too.

But please do let me know if your all-knowing judgement does not concur in this point as I would hate to behave against your 'wishes' Hmm

NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner · 30/06/2020 16:13

Might be relevant to consider this in context of lockdown, he may be sick of the sight of you/sick of being in each others company 24/7 and wants to left to it.

How different would it be out of lockdown and normal life with you having time apart at work/with friends etc?

Original poster
Wingingit2020 · 30/06/2020 16:38

@TheBusDriver I wish!! He plays War Zone, it's very 'boys club'. him and his friends all meet online at the same time every day and there they stay all evening and night. He said himself he doesn't want to play anything else. He used to play FIFA but hasn't touched that game in months - it's Warzone or nothing sadly.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/06/2020 16:39

DH has always used his console and has insular hobbies has several weekends away per year hobby related, even when we had 4 young DC and no family help. It didn't mean that he opted out of doing his share nor us spending at least the bulk of our evenings together most of the time!

Honestly I'd move out and see how long it takes him to even notice... then he can decide if he actually wants to be someone's partner or not'

Angry
Original poster
Wingingit2020 · 30/06/2020 16:42

@NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner sick of the sight of me? Gee thanks! I said in my post we both work. I work 8am - 5pm, he works 7am - 4pm, both out of the house. Neither of us have been placed on furlough and haven't been stuck together 24/7. He also plays golf once or twice a week and runs a business with his best friend and has put up a dart board in our garden that his work mates will come round to play every friday evening. Any other time in between is playstation time. The reason I am upset by this is that i'm not sick of the sight of him, i actually want to see him once in a while and wished he wanted to see me too.

OP posts:
Teacaketotty · 30/06/2020 16:44

I really feel for you OP - my DH is an avid avid gamer and would sit on it for hours if able.

You need to have a serious chat with him to make time for you - I don’t mind him playing it as long as we have spent some time together beforehand such as a nice dinner and film as I like my own time too. He also must not use it as a reason to leave housework to you!

GrannyBags · 30/06/2020 16:50

Was he like this before lockdown? The whole virus situation is affecting people in different ways - maybe his fantasy world is a better place than the real world right now.
Having said that, a major factor in the breakdown of my first marriage was my ex’s hobby (cars in this case).

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2020 16:55

[quote Wingingit2020]@NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner sick of the sight of me? Gee thanks! I said in my post we both work. I work 8am - 5pm, he works 7am - 4pm, both out of the house. Neither of us have been placed on furlough and haven't been stuck together 24/7. He also plays golf once or twice a week and runs a business with his best friend and has put up a dart board in our garden that his work mates will come round to play every friday evening. Any other time in between is playstation time. The reason I am upset by this is that i'm not sick of the sight of him, i actually want to see him once in a while and wished he wanted to see me too.[/quote]
Basically be behaves as if he lives alone. Except for having a servant.

Where do I sign up? crap I don't have a penis so mugs aren't queuing up to do my shit work.

LightenUpSummer · 30/06/2020 16:58

I agree with the addiction theory. So sorry OP he's not on the same page as you anymore. Gaming would be a dealbreaker for me, that's my personal preference, not a judgement.

vanillandhoney · 30/06/2020 17:02

@ThePlantsitter

Well gosh vanillandhoney that certainly put me straight.

There is a substantial and growing body of evidence to suggest video gaming specifically is addictive, whereas I'm not aware of any such evidence in the case of cycling or golf. Happy to be corrected. In any case I wasn't using it as an excuse just saying that sometimes you don't consciously decide to continue playing for long periods.

On the second point 'pick me over your hobby' it rather 'do you actually want to be doing that?' works just fine now and then thanks. Often DH agrees that he doesn't really want to be doing it but is engaging in the compulsion to do it. It works on me when he asks me if pissing about letting people irritate me on Mumsnet is what I really want to be doing too.

But please do let me know if your all-knowing judgement does not concur in this point as I would hate to behave against your 'wishes' Hmm

I'm just saying - don't blame the hobby, blame the participant. Not sure what's so controversial about that.

Of course games are designed to be addictive - that's how the manufacturers make their money, but that doesn't mean whenever a grown adult plays them, their self-control goes entirely out of the window and they have to play for hours on end because they're "addictive".

But if you want to believe fully grown men are too weak to resist the desire to play on a console, you go right ahead.

Goosefoot · 30/06/2020 17:24

Plenty of hobbies are addictive. Cycling, running, training in the gym, golf - all sorts. I wish people wouldn't blame the hobby - it's the fault of the person participating at the end of the day. Yes, games are designed to be addictive but a grown man should be more than capable of realising how much time he's spending on it and taking a break.

No, not all hobbies are addictive like gaming. Gaming is designed to be addictive in the same way a casino or a video lottery terminal is designed to be addictive. People who become addicted do not control themselves and their brain function is actually altered in a significant way. There is a reason people get themselves banned from casinos or go to gambling addictions groups.

Goosefoot · 30/06/2020 17:26

I get the impression that people don't entirely know what addictive means...

GinDrinker00 · 30/06/2020 17:26

Learn to play and play alongside him.

GinDrinker00 · 30/06/2020 17:28

I feel you though my DH plays war zone. But he’ll play it one or two nights a week and then take a break.

RandomMess · 30/06/2020 17:30

He is addicted and you have the choice to put up or end the relationship. Would you accept it if he was down the pub those hours?

He may not choose you over his addiction but personally I would issue an ultimatum and stick to it. He plays darts and golf too so basically you are his domestic appliance to facilitate him doing whatever he wants.

You serve so much more!!

LightenUpSummer · 30/06/2020 17:39

I used to do a job that involved going into people's houses a couple of times. Once I was helping a young woman whose partner spent a lot of time gaming. She felt sad and like a spare part in her own home. I couldn't say anything, but I really hope she ended it and moved on to someone more on the same page Sad

Original poster
Wingingit2020 · 30/06/2020 18:04

@GinDrinker00 hmm but I don't think it's fair that in order to spend time with him or him to want to spend time with me is that I have to learn to play and play alongside him. Thats not what I want to do, I don't get any joy playing computer games.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/06/2020 18:04

The Last of Us 2 is just released, biggest game of the year, its normal to want to play it

Yes, I'm playing it myself but I do all the 'grown up' stuff first and don't spend 6 hours playing it because I'm an adult with responsibilities.

The difference between normal hobbies and gaming is that gaming is addictive. If he is playing late into the night, later than he planned, not getting enough sleep, etc it's an addiction as well as an annoying habit

There is absolutely no difference between gaming and any other excessive time spent on a hobby. Any hobby Hmm

OP, this life is no good. He needs a come to Jesus conversation to decide on whether it's worth keeping the relationship going if he's not going to pay the relationship any attention.

Goosefoot · 30/06/2020 18:21

There is absolutely no difference between gaming and any other excessive time spent on a hobby. Any hobby

The techniques used to make games addictive are the same ones used to make VLTs addictive. They literally come out of the same research, and the brain responds the same way.

Spending a lot of time cooking doesn't depress the brain's response to dopamine, gaming does.

gamerchick · 30/06/2020 18:24

Any hobby that brings pleasure can be addictive. It fucks me off the way Mumsnet will be down on gaming like it's the devil's spawn. Spend some time with rowing widows, or any other kind of hobby widow and tell them that it's not that bad.

I play games, I'm not addicted. I get pleasure out of them though. If games are designed to be addictive then why isn't it universal addiction?

LightenUpSummer · 30/06/2020 18:32

Well either way OP is feeling neglected by him not engaging as much as she'd like. My feeling is that their attitudes to the relationship are sadly incompatible.

Popc0rn · 30/06/2020 18:33

What was he like before lockdown?

One of my friends has had the same problem with her husband since they moved in together 2 years ago. They're basically like flat mates, apart from she cooks and cleans for him. He gets in from work, shoves his dinner down and then straight on the xbox till early hours of the morning. She's tried to get him to compromise and play less, no joy. She jokes about having an affair and tbh I wouldn't blame her.

Anyway, YANBU to be hurt and upset over this OP, lockdown has been hard, everyone probably needs a bit of TLC right now, and it's sad that you're not getting that from your husband. Have you tried talking to him about it? Though tbh you shouldn't have to explain that you'd like to spend time with him.

Popc0rn · 30/06/2020 18:37

"Learn to play and play alongside him"

Or, he could limit his playing time and they could spend some time doing something together they both enjoy, like a walk, bike ride, cooking dinner?

goose1964 · 30/06/2020 20:14

I'm the gamer in our family, I play during the day and then in the evening we watch TV as a couple. Helps we only have one TV, occasionally he'll take an interest in what I'm playing. Can you get a game you'll both enjoy and an extra controller?

Jen000 · 30/06/2020 23:55

It sounds like it has become a habit brought on by lockdown boredom. You need to be really direct and tell him how your feeling lonely because he doesn’t seem to want to spend time together. Also suggest an actual thing to do such as “Tonight I really want us to watch X together” or “Lets go for a walk/picnic tomorrow to X” Once you start spending quality time together again I am sure you will both feel happier.

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