Sons relationship

[Confusedbutheyho]

My son entered a relationship 10 months ago, he barely sees her now due to lockdown but the strength of the relationship hasn’t weakened from it. If anything it’s seemed to help them be closer.

At first he wasn’t too keen on this girl but she chased him and he now idolises her, she’s very intelligent and goes to an excellent private school.

I’m worried as he seems to have cooled his relationship with his friends and now focuses on her. He is always talking about how smart and funny she is, he seems a bit obsessed with how perfect she is!

It seems strange that they never argue and I worry that he’s too concerned with impressing her to disagree with her.

How long do serious relationships at the 17+ last these days?

I’m very concerned that the closeness they’ve formed will be very painful for both of them when it ends and wonder if it’s even a good idea to be this serious during a-levels and I also worry about him losing his friends.

Any experiences?

All teenage relationships are Love’s True Passion TM. It’s totally normal for them to be obsessed with each other and then break up and be devastated and then find the next great love.

Encourage him to keep up with his friends but otherwise I wouldn’t worry too much - it sounds very normal!

I was 15 and dp 17 when we started going out. 13 years later, engaged, 2 kids and a mortgage, were still going strong.

@cluelessbaker

Haha yes I suppose you’re right. That’s probably what worries me the most, that I can see it will end but they can’t.

I’ll try to figure out a way to gently let him know he’ll be needing his friends when it does!

@Gin4thewin that’s also a possibility!

Speaking to him the other day, he said he wanted to last long. It sounded as though it was more of a goal to last long and show others they’re strong. It’s given him a good social status so he sees that as a benefit.

Dd and her boyfriend are 18 and 20, together for 3 years, living together since last July.

Sounds like normal teenage love to me. I really think you need to keep your thoughts to yourself and allow him to navigate his own relationships. If they split, they split. Heartbreak on some level is an unavoidable reality of life. Also, he's 17, not 13, and he's entitled to privacy.

@IHaveBrilloHair

Had either of them had a serious relationship before?

@Aquamarine1029
Oh I do, I only speak about her when he brings it up. Which he does, a lot. He seems to want my enthusiasm which I do give but I worry about the end. I should try focus on the positives.

What’s his plan post 6th form? I don’t know many relationships (however serious) that survived both parties going away to university. I do know a far few that did if both parties went straight into work.

If it’s any comfort I went out with the same (very nice) bloke all through 6th form and DM worried a bit like you are. It lasted his first year at university then less than two weeks into mine (he dumped me and I was devastated for about two weeks before falling hot and strong for another chap...that lasted about six weeks although we’re still friends 20+ years later).

You sound like my DD's BF's Mother - except my dd & her bf met at a state school. I am not entirely sure what my dd sees in her bf - but it is not my call.

Chill - it will fizzle out, if not then good luck to them. Be happy for them while it lasts and if not be there to pick up the pieces. Let him be happy in the now. It is not our life to live and at 17 /18 they are old enough to make their own choices without us pitching in.

@DelurkingAJ they both plan to go to university and another thing that worries me is that he’ll choose the same one as her to stay closeby. I mean it may fizzle out before then but he seems awfully invested and takes on her views on politics and everything.

Good to know it didn’t devastate you too much when it ended.

Ah

Well she ticks all the boxes for him; good family, smart and very ambitious. One thing that’s concerned me is she calls him crying saying she’s depressed or her parents are awful to her and he’s become very protective. (Her parents are lovely and have tried their hardest to give her a good life).

She seems manipulative to me and a bit insincere at times. I don’t know if she’s making him feel responsible for her happiness but I think it’s all a lesson either way.

I don’t tell him what I think I just worry!

@Confusedbutheyho
Not hugely serious, though Dd did date.
He didn't at all.

@ihAvebrillohair

Well it could be possible, she’s had a huge influence on him so I guess there’s a possibility it could happen.

You seem to be awfully interested in your sons relationship. Stop trying to analyse things. It will either run its course or stay the distance. You just need to be there for him if he needs you to be.

In all honesty, he's the steadier, more sensible one, or so I thought.
Yes, he's steady and sensible, but introverted, a loner and not entirely happy about it.
Dd isn't hugely extroverted, but she does go out and has encouraged him to join her.
He hates huge loud gigs so she goes on her own, but small bars are ok, and they love eating out, particularly Japanese food.
They really compliment each other.

Definitely not my DD in that case. Her Boyf accompanies us on all sorts by video - bike riding with DH & DS, rollerskating with me an DD, dinner with all of us, homework with ds. …. I love her Boyf - even if I am not entirely sure what he has in common with DD. He is very staid and she is as bonkers as a box of frogs (lovely but B of F). She is very outgoing and he would crawl into a corner and hide. They love each other.

I’m interested in it yes, it fascinates me to see him change before my eyes. I don’t let on to him but I do analyse it probably too much, you’re right.

Sounds as though they complement each other yes, that’s really heartwarming to see as a parent. Looks like it brings them a lot of happiness.

@Unescorted your DD’s relationship sounds lovely too. They do say opposites attract so this could be the case for them

I fell in love at 17, and breaking up at 23 was heartbreaking. Fell for another 2 years later, married and raised a family for 22 yrs before we broke up. And, I ended up back with the boy who loves me. (Yes, boy-because he will always look 23 to me.) The foundation for that love was strong enough to last a lifetime. So many people I know are with their first sweetheart and if it's meant to be, it will be. 17 is old enough to figure it out on his own.

It seems strange that they never argue

This really jumped out at me OP - it's not strange to not argue, it's a sign of a healthy relationship with good communication on both sides. I've been with my DH for 7 years and we've had two arguments, both of which were over stupid things when drunk when we were early 20s. Not arguing is a good thing.

To be honest with you, your son sounds like he's in a healthy, respectful, mutually supportive teenage relationship and you should chill out a bit here. Were you never in love at 17!?

it's not strange to not argue

Agree totally. I've been married over 20 years and my husband and I never argue. We've had civilised disagreements, but we have never shouted, rowed, etc. Frequent arguing would be worrisome to me.

There are some pains and experiences everyone goes through and learns from. Let him live and learn, I know you want to protect him but he needs to navigate life himself.