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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Need some perspective

39 replies

FrostyGirl66 · 29/06/2020 20:22

Little scenario. I'm not saying who's who, I just need unbiased views please.

Persons A and B are married with two daughters aged 5 and 9.

Person A's sister messaged person B to let them know she has bought a present for eldest daughter and can she come round to give it to her.

Person B said yes but can you make it tomorrow when youngest daughter is at school. Reason being youngest won't understand why she hasn't been given anything and will feel like an obvious display of favouritism, which person B felt was not fair.

Just to note, it's no ones birthday and there hasn't been any occurrences when person A's sister has given youngest daughter a present and not eldest. Persons A and B and daughters don't see person A's sister very often (not sure if that has any relevance).

Person A can't understand why person B insisted on youngest not being there and that she'll have to toughen up eventually, why not now.

Views please. Who's BU? Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
Wecandothis99 · 29/06/2020 20:24

It's not about A or B. Why is that sister buying one present!! She's the villain

bigchris · 29/06/2020 20:27

Hard to follow, can't you just say who is who

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 29/06/2020 20:27

Auntie is BU! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Homemadearmy · 29/06/2020 20:29

There isn't really enough context there really. I think it depends on what the present is?
I don't think necessarily both children should get a give if one does. But day it was a tennis rachet for a hobby. I don't think that needs to be hidden. But if it was something more a toy, I'd question the giver to see why she bought for one and not the other

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2020 20:31

The sister is being horrible. To bring one niece a random present and nothing for the other niece is very cruel. I can't imagine this sister has any children of her own to something so daft.

AIMD · 29/06/2020 20:39

Erm ....
Is there a specific reason for the present for one child, like a shared interest or as a well done for an achievement, or is it just random?

If she just randomly bought one child a gift and not the other that does seem unreasonable and I’d say person whoever didn’t feel that was right was reasonable.

Singlebutmarried · 29/06/2020 20:40

Why buy just the one? What’s the reasoning behind that?

Did DD5 shit in her shoe last time she visited?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/06/2020 20:42

I don't necessarily think anyone is being unreasonable. The auntie may have seen something for one of the children this time. Sometimes I'll have a "saw this and thought of you" moment for one of my siblings children. I wouldn't always buy something for both children. There would be another time when I would buy for the others.

Original poster
FrostyGirl66 · 29/06/2020 20:43

Thank you for your reply's. Sister has a 15yr old 3yr old and 1yr old.

The present was a couple reading books from a series eldest daughter loves.

I know the sister (auntie) is the person in the wrong, but I just needed her hear other people's opinions on if person A is being unfeeling and harsh, or person B being soft and too sensitive.

OP posts:
MissRabbitIsExhausted · 29/06/2020 20:43

@Singlebutmarried

Why buy just the one? What’s the reasoning behind that?

Did DD5 shit in her shoe last time she visited?

Sorry this really made me laugh! But I agree, why buy for only one?
Original poster
FrostyGirl66 · 29/06/2020 20:43

Absolutely no reason for the gift.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/06/2020 20:44

I’m the one who always argues that siblings shouldn’t get presents on the other one’s birthdays but to buy one child a random present and not get something for the younger child feels mean!

The sister is being unreasonable. OP, I’m guessing you’re person B.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 29/06/2020 20:47

Person B, you need to tell your SIL it isn't on to buy a present for only one of your DC unless it is their birthday. You need to tell your partner/husband that there are indeed times to help your DC become more resilient/ toughen up and this ain't one of them.

He (A) is definitely being unreasonable.

tempnamechange98765 · 29/06/2020 20:53

When I was little my DGP brought a present for my older sister and not me, not on a birthday or anything. I was so hurt and still remember it now as an adult.

Person A is BU.

octobersky19 · 29/06/2020 20:53

Can't buy one without the other

TitianaTitsling · 29/06/2020 20:55

Did she purchase the books or are they ones her own children had finished with?

OuzoWoozo · 29/06/2020 20:56

If its just books, then I can't see what the issue is. If it was something bigger than that, then maybe I would think differently. Maybe something tokenistic to placate the younger one, but not really necessary.

nokidshere · 29/06/2020 20:57

What is the point of person A and B?

No one brings presents for one child only unless it's their birthday. End of. It's completely out of order. I wouldn't have said wait till little one is gone, I would have said bring it round when you've bought something for the other or not at all.

Waveysnail · 29/06/2020 20:58

Are these books her own 15 year old has finished with?

Original poster
FrostyGirl66 · 29/06/2020 20:59

Ok yes I'm person B. Just wanted unbiased thoughts.

I think I'm going to have to say something to her. She comes over tomorrow. It's not a big deal this time as my youngest will be at school. But next time I may not get warning to make sure the other child is not around.

Birthdays is one of only a few times one of my children will get presents and the other not.

My husband has a few old school thoughts when it comes to bringing up children! I think it comes from his childhood of not having a very good supportive family and he had to toughen up from a young age (nothing abusive)

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 29/06/2020 20:59

I was going to agree with you that your SIL should only give the gift when youngest is at school but then saw that the gift was books. Books aren’t as exciting as a toy and can easily be passed down to the next child so I’m with your partner on this one.

Original poster
FrostyGirl66 · 29/06/2020 21:00

New books she bought.

OP posts:
nanbread · 29/06/2020 21:00

Going against the grain here - if she knows the girl loves those books, happened to see some and grabbed them why shouldn't she give as a (thoughtful IMO) gift?

I don't buy books for my own children at the same time, I buy by need / if I see something I think they would like. Same with clothes. They don't automatically get something at the same time and I personally think that attitude encourages rivalry between siblings as they are seen as competing entities rather than individuals.

Pipandmum · 29/06/2020 21:05

I agree five is too young to understand why a sibling would get a random gift and they wouldn't.

imnottoofussed · 29/06/2020 21:10

It also depends if the gift is wrapped up or not. If gift wrapped then yes sister is in the wrong, otherwise I can't see a problem. In fact I bought by eldest niece a book from an author she likes the other day and gave it to her, my youngest niece wasn't bothered as it wasn't a present as such and she knew it was because it was the author her older sister liked. Kids are 5 and 7 for context.

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