Leave my job and work with DH?

[LunaHardy]

Not an AIBU as such, more of a WWYD, but posting for traffic. Long story short, DH has a company, trader. He's done the job since teens but went SE not long after we met. He's great at what he does but not business minded so I helped him set up. Have done loads for him over the years in spare time and when on mat leave, I know the company inside out. Still do his bookkeeping and helped him set up new premises and interview new staff etc. In the last year or so the business has boomed and it's more than I can manage in my spare time now. He's hired a part time admin assistant now who's great but it's still not enough. He wants me to come on board full time. We've always discussed it but I never expected it to actually happen, or at least so soon. I have my own successful, reliable career and I earn well. I'm in two minds about leaving my career to go and work with him, for various reasons. He thinks it's a no brainer as I know the business inside out and if I didn't join him he would have to employ another person full time anyway. WWYD? Take the risk? Or stay in my career and take a back step from the business we grew together?

How easily could you get back into your line of work if you went for it and then decided you’d made the wrong choice? Are you and DH likely to feel in each others pockets too much if you live and work together full time? Will you get enough time outside of the house/work to do things independently, with friends/old colleagues?

I'd hire another person. And you help out as and when you can / review things.

Do you enjoy the work to do for your DH ? Would he be able to pay you the same as your current career ? If you didn't like it would you be able to go back to your current career easily ? Would working together impact your relationship ? I would need to have the answers to the questions above before I would even begin to think about leaving my current position.

I wouldn't do it op

It's always the woman who's left vulnerable if the shit hits the fan
Also if for any reason he can't work, so ones got to earn a wage
If he is the business ie his physical input is key, then it's all eggs in one basket
It's a risk Ide never take again

Plus you bring all the work place home with you constantly

Give up your well paid, successful career to be his admin assistant?
No way in hell for me.
You don’t say what you do, but as you say successful I’ll assume you actually like what you do? So why give that up for a different job that doesn’t sound challenging for you?
I’d be considering:

• risk of eggs in one income basket
• possible change in dynamic between you when you’re no longer helping him out, but in a lower position that him
• losing ground in your own career
• worst case scenario - you split up - where does that leave you?

Let him expand and get more staff.

My fear would be that if anything happened in the relationship, I couldn't just walk away. I'd be stuck to the job too.

It's always better not to put all your eggs in one basket too.

It would be pretty easy to get back into my line of work, perhaps not the exact role I currently do as it's more specialised, but I don't think I'd have any trouble finding a job if it all went tits up. I don't hate my current job, but I don't feel incredibly passionate about it either if I'm being honest.
Luckily if I did take the job, DH would be out doing the actual job and I'd be office based managing the projects etc.
We've got a healthy marriage and we get along well but I don't think I could work with him full time if we were both in the office!
I do quite enjoy the work I do for DH but I don't know how I'd feel doing it full time as I've never done it.

I'm swaying towards taking a back step and letting the company just grow without me but DH wants me to be involved, that being said he'd respect whatever decision I made.

No I wouldn't. Worst case scenario if anything happens to the relationship, you are screwed.

I wouldn't want to work everyday with dh either. And from the point of view of both of you and financial security long term it is way better to have two strings to your bow - I wouldn't want both of us to be self-employed in the same business.

If you do go into the business, are you going to be a part-owner or paid with proper tax/contributions/pension etc?

Nope! Pension rights, personal development from husband, management roles, conflation of domestic and work roles, nope, nope, nope

Just the dynamic shift, however well intentioned at the start, will start to sour.

If it was a question of a job on its own merits, not just helping husband out, I might consider it. Even then having a close family member as a work colleague would be a mark against it!

Although saying that, I wonder sometimes if I seem to enjoy it because it's different to my day job.
Also worth mentioning that going part-time at current job not an option.

I had this choice when DH and I were first engaged. He was setting up a business (pub landlord) and he wanted me to work with him. I was temping at the time and didn’t really have a career goal in mind, we didn’t have kids, we were both young and I had no relevant experience. I said no, because I was worried about what would happen financially if it didn’t work out, and because I wasn’t attracted to the pub work itself. Now-DH was a bit disappointed but accepted my decision. In the end the business didn’t work out and he now works in a completely different industry. As it happens, we ended up working together in the new industry for a few years and we enjoyed it and it didn’t affect our relationship.

The most important question for me would be will you enjoy it as much as your current work? Will it pay as well? Will you have similar pension provision etc?

If you had the option you could do 1 day a week with him, to oversee the office work, and keep the PT admin person.

Would your main job let you reduce hours?

We were in a similar position a couple of years ago, I was concerned about "putting all out eggs in one basket". DH and I probably could work together - he's a director, I would have been his Principal Engineer (we work in the same field), but we'e in an industry that fluctuates very strongly in line with the economy. I felt that I dint want to be completely reliant on his company for our family income. I stayed in my job, pubic sector role. Very glad that I did because he is about to make a number of redundancies, including "my" role.

I did this exact thing two years ago and absolutely love it. I could go back to my old job but I absolutely hated it (to the point I often used to cry on my way to work) so that’s highly unlikey.

We work brilliantly together, we make more money, no commute, lots of flexibility. For us, there were no downsides and we don’t find it difficult to ‘switch off’ or switch back into ‘relationships mode’. I can’t imagine going back to commuting 10+ hours a week and being tied to set holidays and working hours.

All of the things you're saying are totally reasonable and all the reasons I'm doubting it. Especially the eggs in one basket and shift in dynamic reasons, I've said all this to him and he understands but he's very optimistic. He calls me a pessimist but I prefer to call it realist!

I had a colleague who did this and I was surprised at the time but think it’s still going well.

The reasons I wouldn’t do it personally are all to do with risk:

1. what if his company collapsed or the industry went through a massive crisis - then you both lose your jobs instead of just one of you?
2. what if you split up - then you lose your job as well as your relationship at the same time?

Lots of couples do work together in small businesses so it’s not inherently a bad idea, but it just depends on your risk tolerance for the two scenarios above. It’s all very well saying you could go back to your current career, but what if it was in 10 years time the business collapsed? I personally wouldn’t be comfortable, although I suppose it’s the same financial risk in some ways if it goes wrong as the decision to become a SAHP - your income is entirely wrapped up in and linked to the other partner’s so your risk isn’t distributed. And that’s a very common choice...

Would you be a co-owner/ director etc?

Victoria - that's really good to know. I feel as though we have a good marriage and we both have hobbies/friends that are separate. But I would never know unless I did it!

Bernadette - he said my role would be on my terms (fair of course) and this was one of the things I said, he said it wouldn't be a problem. I'm already a minority shareholder but he said if it made me feel more secure he would be happy to do 50/50.

@notalwaysalondoner that's an interesting perspective, hadn't thought of it that way.

Hmm you need to find a way to protect yourself financially i.e. what will be your salary, your pension contributions etc? Because it would make sense for them to be absolutely minimal so the business pays less tax but you would be taken advantage of. It could work really well, if you two work together well, stay together forever and the business thrives, then it will be great - no corporate bullshit to put up with, lots of flexibility since you two will be the bosses, more money coming in. But could be a disaster otherwise. Only you know the answer, OP.

I would! Especially if it’s a 50/50 split.

Could you reduce your hours in your current job and do PT for your DH?

We did this 3 years ago now and it works for us.

We’re both directors along with two others, I do admin and DH is on the tools out and about. We have a large warehouse/office but I also work from home if I don’t need to go in for a specific reason.

I love the flexibility and the freeness of it. I don’t worry if I need a day off or if one of the children are poorly.

Everything is split equally, and we have a company pension we pay into.

We do talk about work when we’re both at home - but that’s because he’s out all day but it’s not constant.

We recently picked up a couple of awards noted in the construction industry which we are all extremely proud of, and the hard work is certainly paying off

I would think about it very carefully really .If you and DH are happy together ATM, then it may put too much pressure on you as a couple .However my friend and her husband have this sort of set up ,and it works well for them .Although you say you can get back to your old job easily ,would you be at the same level as now ? Also might you get promotion if you stay there? Quite difficult one to call .I would be inclined to stay where I am and let him take on someone new TBH.

My dad was a self employed builder, my mum worked doing his admin. It worked for them as she could do it from home so was around for us.

An ex colleague of mine left her job as a very well respected admin to do similar for then boyfriend, who was a sparky. They'd been together a number of years, 7 I think, but they split a few months later. She's got such a good reputation in our NHS trust though it didnt her long to get another job in the Trust (but not in our team, unfortunately, lovely woman and great at her job).