Aibu to rather go to work full time than be a SAHM

[yarncakes]

I have a 3year old and I love him loads, of course I do he is my child lol but I only work part time due to childcare, and my DH works full time. On my days off at home, I am absolutely bored to tears by 9 o'clock. I potter around the house to do cleaning, tidying here and there, some knitting, I also play with him and teach him alphabets, numbers etc but he prefers to be independent and play by himself majority of the time. When I try doing things, he always follows me around and I start to get annoyed which is not acceptable and I need to wind it in, I know this and I am willing to be flamed for saying and feeling that way.

I am looking to find another job with the one I have already because I am so bored just having 3 days off a week. I hate being at home. The days drag and it makes me feel very depressed. I prefer to go out and work, as I've always worked long hours as well before I had my DS so I'm used to it.

I tried being a SAHM for 2 months and I couldn't cope with it. It got to the point where I almost asked my GP to prescribe me antidepressants because I was so bored and felt really low and I just had to get a job ASAP. Thankfully, I soon did get one and I am much happier than I was but I still want to work an extra day or two.

But when I sit and think about my DS, the guilt eats away at me. Sometimes I feel like I should never have been a mother because mothers like to SAHM and enjoy their children don't they? I just don't know why I am like this for.

I honestly feel like such a selfish cow.

give yourself a break yarn cakes. Being a sahm isn't for everybody, just like working outside the home isn't for everybody. You love your child. Would your partner reduce his hours so you could work full time? If you were full-time could your joint incomes pay for good quality childcare?

I was the same. Tried part time working after mat leave for six months and I hated it. I changed career and worked full time ever since.
Not working just didn’t fit in with who I was.

I’m retired now but also got bored with that after a couple of years so I’m back to working part time now.

We're not designed to parent in isolation. I think a lot of parents would feel bored, lonely or frustrated if it was just them and their DC at home all day. I certainly did when my DC were small.

There's no shame in working full time. Loads of mums do it and you can still spend quality time with your children before and after work and at weekends.

In the meantime... Do you take him out much? A bit strange at the moment but you could still go to explore local woods etc. Do you have friends with children who you could go with?

I also find the more I play with my DC - don't worry about teaching anything, just play for fun - the less I hate it. What do you not mind playing with or doing youself eg crafts, Lego, painting, reading, teddy parties etc? Maybe try to do more of what you like to make it easier.

Get him involved in chores - washing up, cleaning his toys, sweeping the floor with a mini brush etc

Of course you aren’t unreasonable. I think that only a minority of people — men and women — are suited to being a SAHP. It’s my idea of pure hell, personally (I went back early from maternity leave) and I don’t know anyone who’s done it longterm.

Being a SAHM is hard work, sometimes boring and repetitive and with very little rewards except those related to spending time with your child itself. It doesn’t suit everyone. If it’s not working for you then find another job! Maybe P/T so you can have the best of both?

I was a SAHM for ages and I don't think yabu, why would you be? A good parent is someone who makes sure their child is looked after in the best possible circumstances and hanging out with a grumpy bored parent who would rather be at work is not that. Being a SAHP is a grind.

I bet your husband (and most men tbh) don't feel guilty about working ft.

You should do what works best. I work ft. I hated being a ft SAHM.

I’m a SAHM and it’s a mixed bag for me, I don’t love it all the time, it’s very isolating and monotonous at times. Plus once my youngest is in school I need to try and get a job and that will be hard and I know it. Because I’ve been out of the workforce for a few years. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to work fulltime whatsoever, if you are happy and fulfilled then you’ll be a better parent for it. Do what you feel is best for you.

Not enjoying being a SAHM doesn't make you a bad mother so try not to feel guilty. Could your partner change his work schedule so you can pick up more hours?

I was quite depressed and lonely as a SAHM. We did have some fun times but overall it felt like drudgery. My husband was working in retail so he switched to late shifts and stayed home with the DC and I went back to work. Much happier all round. They're older teenagers now and we have a great relationship with both of them. Plus, my husband realised that he wanted a career change and is now a specialist one to one TA for children with SEN so it was great decision all round.

I went back 4 days a week for a year and after this time got another job full time. I was exactly the same. The day off was challenging! DD loves nursery, I love my job and everybody is happier.

I'm fed up of women being made to feel bad / expected to pick up the bulk of the childcare and as a result their careers suffering in 2020. Even when they say it's their choice I do wonder how much of that is subtle coercive influencing because they know the pick ups and drop offs are a nightmare and the male partner can't possibly do it (their job is soooo much more important)

Rant over. You're entitled to your career. Your DC will be fine, balance is restored.

Can your DH drop his hours at all to share the load. DH and I used to both work almost, but not quite full time when DC were small, and it felt like a really good balance. If you could both do a 4 day week or similar, that could work for everyone.

Yanbu! It can be completely mind numbing and isolating as everyone has said:) If a full time job is for you then go for it. Is there an online course you can sign up to for now, to fill in the really quiet times?

I hate being at home and went back full time after a shared maternity leave. I love my children dearly but I need to be at work. I also felt is was important for them to grow up with a mum who has a career that is equal to the one their dad has (mum of girls) - I wanted them to see they can do anything. If you want to work you should work - if you are happy your children pick up on it and are happier.

At the moment it's weird, but ordinarily, surely you don't just stay at home and do chores. I work p/t, and most days were a mixture of baby groups/classes, meeting up with friends/playdates/trips out/park. On an average day I'd maybe spent a couple of hours at home max.

I felt exactly the same which is why I work full-time. There is no shame in not wanting to be a SAHP. Nobody ever comments on men working full time do they?

All I would say is that you both need to ensure you have some flexibility for when your little one starts school. That was the most challenging stage to juggle.

I thought I would love being a SAHM but the the reality was very different. I was delighted to go back to work full time when my daughter was 18 months old. I was fortunate in that my mother was very happy to be my childminder and I knew my daughter was safe and being well looked after. I had another spell at home when my son was born but gradually started working part time and studying part time. When they were both at Primary School I went back to education full time and then worked full time. My children learnt to be self reliant and independent. They Also appreciated the changes in our financial situation eg., we could afford to go on holiday. Most of all, I was happy and therefore there was a good atmosphere in the home. However, I had one overriding rule in my life. The children Came first and if they had a problem, an issue at school that needed sorting, or they were ill, then everything else stopped and I was there for them.

If he's 3 he will be at school in a year, you would need to consider getting him to and from school

Of course you can work full time if you and your DH can sort childcare. Being home alone is very boring, can you arrange to meet up with friends then join a playgroup once they restart?

Not unreasonable. I work full time normally with my 3 year old at nursery... lockdown has made me at home with her full time. I hate it. She's bored. I'm bored. Nursery was meant to be opening on the 6th...got an email on Friday saying it's not. I cried. Then drank wine.

You're not being unreasonable as being a SAHM isn't for everyone and that's absolutely fine as long as you have alternatives that work for both you and your child. From your post it sounds like lockdown and full time care are affecting your mental health and this will also have an affect on your child. I hope you find some good alternatives that work for all of you.

Prior to the Covid did you do any activities such as swimming or any play groups to try and fill up your dad as well as meeting other mums?. Have you got any friends with kids similar age you see during the week.

When does your dc start preschool? I'm part time but am looking forward to having some days when I'm not working & dc are in childcare so I can catch up on things, be alone! It should be now but Covid means I'm kind of stuck inside. Don't feel guilty, men never have to explain. Some women like staying at home, some don't. Neither is better then the other & the best thing is being able to have the choice.

Schools have after school clubs and childminders are also an option. As may be his dad picking him up.

Some people like being a sahp. I certainly wasn't cut out for it. It is hard not to feel guilty as women are so conditioned to put their own needs on the back burner.

Have you spoken to your dh about how you feel and what options there are for your family?

If YABU then so am I. Lockdown has taught me that being home isn't as bad as if built it up in my head to be - but it's definitely still not for me. I love to get out to work and be me rather than mummy.

No one judges men for feeling like this.

Some people like to work others dont ....simple. I had an ex work colleague who was made redundant and has two children. She hated being at home, saying she was depressed and wanting to get on with something. She was really bored at home. Then there was me, working a couple days a week, no children. I hate working and love being at home. Although I don’t have children surely it’s much better for a parent not to be depressed?!