Aibu to rather go to work full time than be a SAHM

[yarncakes]

I have a 3year old and I love him loads, of course I do he is my child lol but I only work part time due to childcare, and my DH works full time. On my days off at home, I am absolutely bored to tears by 9 o'clock. I potter around the house to do cleaning, tidying here and there, some knitting, I also play with him and teach him alphabets, numbers etc but he prefers to be independent and play by himself majority of the time. When I try doing things, he always follows me around and I start to get annoyed which is not acceptable and I need to wind it in, I know this and I am willing to be flamed for saying and feeling that way.

I am looking to find another job with the one I have already because I am so bored just having 3 days off a week. I hate being at home. The days drag and it makes me feel very depressed. I prefer to go out and work, as I've always worked long hours as well before I had my DS so I'm used to it.

I tried being a SAHM for 2 months and I couldn't cope with it. It got to the point where I almost asked my GP to prescribe me antidepressants because I was so bored and felt really low and I just had to get a job ASAP. Thankfully, I soon did get one and I am much happier than I was but I still want to work an extra day or two.

But when I sit and think about my DS, the guilt eats away at me. Sometimes I feel like I should never have been a mother because mothers like to SAHM and enjoy their children don't they? I just don't know why I am like this for.

I honestly feel like such a selfish cow.

I signed in specially to agree that you are absolutely not a bad mother for feeling this way. Some people are just not naturally suited to spending too much time with under fives, however much they love themI was the same and DS is now 35, and we have an incredibly close relationship.

I think all you can do is be honest with yourself OP. A good mum is a happy mum. For some that means SAH; for some it means part—time working and for others it means full-time hours.

Could I ask though - do you get out and about much? Have you made friends in the same position as you? I’ve been a SAHM to 4 DC since I had my first (17 years ago ), but I never felt the need to do pointless stuff round the house to fill the day. The day is what you make it! I made so many friends through the kids and I always appreciated the freedom to make my own decisions and not be tied into working hours or have all that stress hanging over me on top of the kids. We used to be out and about most days, or people would come over. No need to make yourself into some kind of martyr to housework. If you can afford it, get a cleaner in and then use those hours to be out. My DH wanted me at home to focus on our kids, including their education, development, activities, emotional well-being etc etc- not the dusting!

I think some people need tune structure and separation that work brings - and that’s absolutely fine. It’s a different kind of resilience ti SAH because you have to make your own structure to a large extent. It’s tiring in a different way. There’s no right or wrong though, as I said. If you’re happier, your son will be too. Look after your mental health.

Some people like to work others dont ....simple.

It's not that simple. If you like food, clothing and a roof over your head, and you don't have an independent income which means you can pay for these things without working, then someone needs to work to pay for you to have them, regardless of whether the working person 'likes work' or not.

Whether it's (a) you or (b) someone else working for food, shelter etc is your only 'choice', and I know which option I would go for.

I was a SAHM for 11 years as ex used to move with his work every couple of years. I had to work at being a mum, I found if I put the time into my children the rewards were great. Used to go out every day even if only to local park with a ball having a kick around, after rain go puddle jumping, you have to let go of being an adult and enjoy doing childish things. I was ready to go back to work when the youngest started school, but only worked part time, using a childminder in the holidays, by that time a single mum. It doesn’t suit everyone, I wanted to give my children some of what I had as a child, knowing my mum was there.

I will probably get told off for this but i think its really sad that you are not enjoying spending time with your own child. It IS hard looking after children. Much harder in my opinion than working. But it lasts such a short time. Soon he will be in school and you wont get that special time with him.
But do what you need to to do. Its no one elses place to judge.

Not everyone is suited to being a SAHM. I wasn't - even if our finances had allowed for me not to work, I wouldn't have done it and would have worked at least part time. Fast forward 19 years and I've been a single parent for 2 years and am so glad that I have always worked and kept my career going - because I can support my DDs alone.

I can't cope as a sahm, I had 9 months off with my first and 7 months off with my second and have worked full time otherwise.

Working is my time to adult, make friends, socialise, earn my own money and provide for my family, my brain doesn't cope at home.

I used a childminder with my first, and manage to work around my shifts with my second, so now I need no childcare.

I'm sort of on the fence. I have been bored and lonely looking after DS 5 days a week during lockdown, but I would be sad if I only had 30 minutes with him a day between nursery pickup and him going to bed. My ideal is working 3 days, which is what I was doing until March. I can't wait to get a job, get out of the house and talk about things other than babies!

You don't really say what "things" you're trying to do when he follows you around but I have had to stop bothering with housework, washing up, hair/makeup while he's awake. My best tip is to get out of the house twice a day, every day.

I wanted to be a SAHM until I had a baby. I skipped back to work and it works better for us as a family.

Like others have said, don’t feel bad. It’s not for everyone. Most men don’t feel any guilt.

YANBU. I'm currently a SAHM and it's the hardest job I've ever had. I know people on MM always tend to sneer at that but, for me at least, it's true. I personally don't find it boring but I have very little adult interaction, we don't have much money left over after the bills, and it can be incredibly frustrating. However, for our family, the benefits far outweighed the negatives. I too shall be skipping back to work once DD2 is at school.

• MM is MN, obviously.

I feel like I should never have been a mother because mothers like to SAHM and enjoy their children don't they?
Nope - I hated it!
I had 3 1/2 months maternity leave and I was chomping at the bit to get back to work. I went back full-time.
I love my DD more than life and she was planned.
But... I had one child because I just wasn't that maternal.
She's 22 and lovely and we have a fabulous relationship.

We are all different. I'd find working for an employer soul destroying and taking my valuable time with my family.
Do what's right for you. I have never been bored as have lots of hobbies and interests, woh is boring to me.

@Limpid
But that’s not what the op is talking about. She’s saying she doesn’t like being at home and being a stay at home mother. She prefers to go to work as she is bored at home. She’s even looking for another job. When I said some people like to work others don’t....simple. I meant that if you enjoy going to work rather than staying at home then you have a choice so it’s better to do what makes you happy. There’s no need to feel guilt at all. It’s better that the parent is happy than depressed. If she was to be a stay at home mother full time that might make her deeply unhappy and not good for her mental health. No ones talking about not being able to afford being a stay at home mother .

I love my children to bits but I love my job and I wouldn't want to be a SAHM. Personally I find part-time work gives me the right balance, but I can totally understand why one might want to be full-time. I'm currently on maternity leave and I'm really looking forward to returning to work! I don't really have to work - both DH and I are high earners, and if we cut our cloth we could live on one income - but I do it because I want to (and because I enjoy the lifestyle that my income gives our family).

I’m glad some other mums feel like this too. I was dying to go back to work after having my DS having 13months off. Even now times I’m relieved to go to work although I love him dearly. If I could go full time I think I would.

Nope you aren't being un reasonable at all If feel the same as you I'd hate being a SAHM. After my first baby I went back to work full time, felt a bit guilty for a few weeks but then got over it. I'm 22 weeks with number 2 now but this time I'm going back 3 days a week and I'm already worrying about being at home for 2 days with 2 small kids but childcare costs means we don't have much choice.

No you're not being unreasonable so long as you dont jump to the conclusion that so many do, that being a sahm means you're somehow a less intelligent or interesting person - by saying for example 'I dont know how you do it, I was bored silly'.

I think also, an individual’s experience of being a SAHM really depends on where you live. I was lucky that we’re in quite central London and where we live is quite “pram jam” so it was super easy to meet other mums in the same boat and enjoy it all together. Plus loads of things to do, even if they were baby things. Looking back, those were some of the happiest days if my life. I’m enjoying the kids being teens too - easier in some ways, but more complicated in others obviously. But I think if we had lived in a rural or more isolated place, I might have really struggled in the early years.

YANBU. I felt so much better after returning to work after mat leave and am desperate for lockdown to end. I am a better mother when I have a bit of space for me.

YANBU, you feel how you feel and thats OK.

Some people aren't cut out to being a SAHP and some prefer to not to leave them to go back to work.

There is no right and wrong answer, there is only what's right and wrong for you.

If you are getting frustrated with your child following you around, then yes, the child is better off in someone else's care and for you to go back to work.

I think also, an individual’s experience of being a SAHM really depends on where you live.

I live in zone 2 & has babies recently ish & found that after a yr or so the vast majority of my network had gone back to work in some form or another.

YANBU.

I was counting the days until the nursery across from my oldest school opened so I could go back to work. Found a job quickly and was back at work. I felt so much happier being at work where I felt appreciated and had time to myself instead of always being on alert and only talking about the kids and husband’s work. Currently still furloughed and probably will be let go because my oldest (5) is autistic and there isn’t enough staff at school for him to have a key worker and his usual key worker is in the vulnerable group. I either have one or both children while my husband wfh. I feel as if I took one step forward and two steps back. My husband’s life hasn’t changed much (was already working from home most days) and he is actually doing better while I’m waffling through between feeling ok and depressed. I feel really alone most of the time and the only saving grace has been my social media and seeing I’m not alone in this.

I love working and get a lot out of it. My Dd loves nursery and has access to equipment and experiences there which I don't have. It's win/win for me, then when we are together we enjoy our time.

I skipped back to work after maternity leave. Staying home was boring and I hated not earning or having my own income. It is not a lifestyle that I was comfortable with or cut out for.