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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this okay or not?

38 replies

Verity35 · 28/06/2020 13:08

Please be kind and not the usual nastiness of AIBU! If you read previous threads you’ll see I’m suffering anxiety so I need to know if this was okay or if my anxiety is making this into an issue:

I’m angry at DH as his parents landed from abroad yesterday. Regarding the 2 week quarantine we decided not to see them. But on the way to park today he sprung on me that we’re seeing his parents but will stay in car so they can see the kids. Just for context I don’t like MIL and see doesn’t like me, we have had many fights in the past as she’s very critical, doesn’t respect boundaries and is a very difficult person to get along with.

We pulled up to the house and she’s saying she’s made breakfast and for us to eat it! (Take away not come into the house - so maybe not that bad?). She then started knocking on the window telling us to open them. Her face was literally cm’s from mine. I didn’t speak to her but she was talking to kids through open window. I’m really angry at DH right now and I know I’m spiralling and wrecking our day out to the park and my kids shouldn’t suffer but I keep replaying it in my mind. I’m also feeling guilty that maybe I should have been a little more polite and spoken more to them. Please tell me your opinions and stop me spiralling out of control

OP posts:
Apple1029 · 28/06/2020 13:13

Yanbu. Why couldnt he have just waited for the 2 weeks? That was pretty selfish of him just to please his parents. I would be very angry, putting everyone and DC at risk like that.
So he basically lied to you and sprung it on, knowing what you both initially decided.

mbosnz · 28/06/2020 13:16

YANBU. That was selfish of him, and springing it on you like that was stupid and arrogant of him. If my DH did that, we would be having cold, calm, and very clear words later on, leaving no possible doubt that if he pulled a stunt like that again, it would get very nasty very quickly.

Original poster
Verity35 · 28/06/2020 13:19

Thank you for responses. I’m trying to talk to him now calmly and he keeps saying “in reality the risks are very small”. It was very awkward for me as I kept facing away from her when she was literally spitting in my face when excitedly chatting to kids and now I feel guilty thst I should have just said “hello, how was your trip” but in all honesty I despise her and the fact I didn’t know I was seeing her

OP posts:
wildcherries · 28/06/2020 13:20

Nah, he's a twat who clearly takes after his mother in not respecting your boundaries and decisions, which you had agreed on (or so you thought.) This one is him being selfish.

Ponoka7 · 28/06/2020 13:21

Seeing them through the window was fine, the rest not so much.

I wouldn't let it spoil the children's day, though.

I think it's been said before that children shouldn't suffer because a parent has anxiety. Or makes the day all about their upset.

Ponoka7 · 28/06/2020 13:22

I think you need to talk about why he didn't tell you and listen. You aren't in charge.

anxietyaunt · 28/06/2020 13:22

YANBU. At all. Please stop feeling guilty and don’t write this off as your anxiety. Flowers

blackpoe · 28/06/2020 13:24

YANBU, your anxiety has no bearing on this - they were unreasonable not to stick to what had been agreed.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 28/06/2020 13:27

Whilst I agree with you, things like this aren't unilateral decisions that you can just veto. Even if his opinion is stupid, you need to compromise. He shouldn't have sprung it on you but was there any other way he would have been able to take the kids to see gran and grandad? If not, there's a problem.

mbosnz · 28/06/2020 13:27

I wouldn't be feeling guilty - he doesn't get to make that assessment and choice for you. He certainly doesn't get just to spring it on you, it's thoroughly disrespectful, and no wonder you were off. How the hell did he think that would make you feel and play out?

He's been an inconsiderate, arrogant, patronising dickhead.

mbosnz · 28/06/2020 13:29

things like this aren't unilateral decisions that you can just veto

This is actually what he has done by his actions. OP and her DH had agreed that they would respect the two week quarantine, then he unilaterally changed his mind and the plan and acted in such a way that OP was powerless to do anything other than literally go along for the ride.

Chloemol · 28/06/2020 13:45

Don’t feel guilty. This is totally down to your dh who has gone against something you both agreed.

I would be telling, yes telling, him that he has disappointed you in riding roughshod over your agreement, encouraging his parents to break the rules, and has put your children as risk

You and the children will now be observing a full 14 day quarantine from his parents starting today, and you expect him to comply with that as well

Misslees · 28/06/2020 13:53

Disagree with the idea that you had to compromise with him on this from the outset. That's the government rule at the moment - there shouldn't be any need for OP to compromise so in laws could see kids. The in laws should be at home in quarantine - not out in cars etc.

DameFanny · 28/06/2020 13:53

"Whilst I agree with you, things like this aren't unilateral decisions that you can just veto. Even if his opinion is stupid, you need to compromise"

What absolute bollocks.

Not only should she veto stupid decisions, how about recognising that breaking quarantinis bloody illegal?

cakeandchampagne · 28/06/2020 13:55

YANBU!

DDiva · 28/06/2020 13:55

YANBU

You both decided you would wait 2 weeks, he then changed his mind and has dressed it up as a suprise to go against your wishes.

In reality the risk is pretty low but actually had you known you could have made arrangements that made you more comfortable with the distancing.

DameFanny · 28/06/2020 13:58

Report them and cost them a grand - you know you want to Grin www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-52774854

randolph78 · 28/06/2020 14:11

The risks are indeed very small but he's an arrogant twat to think he has the right to make all the decisions about what risks you personally take and what risks you expose the children to.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 28/06/2020 14:13

Manipulative behaviour like springing it on you, and then MIL pushing the boundaries bit by bit once you were there, gives me that absolute rage.

Original poster
Verity35 · 28/06/2020 14:35

I feel since being married to him (nearly 10 years) my anxiety has worsened due to both him and his mother. The rest of his family are okay and I have no real issues apart from the ones my MIL created by only giving snippets of the truth and getting people on her side without actually telling her contribution to any arguments!

I don’t want to sound bitchy but she’s not very good at hygiene in general. E.g when kids were babies she would stick her unwashed hands in their mouths to check for teething, she would wipe her nose on her hand then make food without washing! I would feel sick eating but obviously didn’t want to be rude which would further cause me anxiety. Husband used to laugh and say “oh well she’s my mother, her germs won’t harm me!”

OP posts:
FraughtwithGin · 28/06/2020 14:44

Where have your in-laws come from? It sounds like they were returning home from your post.
Observing from abroad, I think the UK has not dealt with the situation well - government and population. Too little, too late by the government and the "wrong" messages - save the NHS - when the NHS is a public service funded by and intended for the population as a whole and it is the job of those working there to care for sick people.
If people are arriving from a low risk country (where they may well have been in isolation for at least 3 months already) or returning to their own homes with no signs of illness, then quarantine is a) laughable and b) unenforceable.
Please don't get me started on the risible expression "social distancing" when it should really be "physical distancing" and even then no-one was really sure whether it should have been 2m or 1.5m and was that with or without face masks?

StressedMom4 · 28/06/2020 14:48

If you dislike someone because they make you feel like shit for 10+ years, you have every right to ignore them.

People need to get this in their heads. Why should you make yourself feel uncomfortable and anxious for the sake of being polite?

Don't feel guilty for not starting small talk, feel proud for respecting yourself and your feelings.

wildcherries · 28/06/2020 14:53

People need to get this in their heads. Why should you make yourself feel uncomfortable and anxious for the sake of being polite?

It took me much too long to learn this, but it is so freeing, once you do learn it. OP, don't feel guilty.

anxietyaunt · 28/06/2020 15:16

@wildcherries

People need to get this in their heads. Why should you make yourself feel uncomfortable and anxious for the sake of being polite?

It took me much too long to learn this, but it is so freeing, once you do learn it. OP, don't feel guilty.

I second all of this.
anxietyaunt · 28/06/2020 15:17

Or third it really