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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel resentful of DH hobby

46 replies

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:21

DH is into playing football and they played Sunday prior to lockdown. With lockdown loosened training has now started again and I'm reminded how it gets on my nerves.

He works on a night shift and will finish at 8am, come home for a quick shower and then straight back out to football. He's then out of the house until he returns (usually between 1.30 and 2.30pm factoring in travel time depending on where they are playing)

When he gets in he will have something to eat and then go to bed at around 3:00pm, this then means he's not around at all to help with the children during the afternoon/evening and by the time he gets up I'm getting ready for bed.

A further inconvenience and one which I accept is my own doing is that he has my bank card with him so he can travel there and back, this means I can't get out to the shops until late this afternoon.

He borrows my bank card as there is usually 5-7 days at the end of the month where he's ran out of money and is waiting for his wages (he pays the larger bills so pays more than his fair share, so this reallt isn't an issue)

I agreed to him taking the card because if he wasn't able to get the train back then he would be out even longer and have to walk X amount of miles, meaning he goes to bed even later and gets up even later - leaving the entirety of the childcare to me.

Its only once a week but it interferes with mine and the children's routines and I'm now reminded once again how much I abhor Sundays in this house.

It doesn't help that I don't have a hobby that can take me out of the house all day child free.

AIBU?

OP posts:

coconutpie · 28/06/2020 11:28

Stating the obvious here but why can't you just transfer money to him so he can use his own card rather than taking yours?

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:30

@coconutpie

Stating the obvious here but why can't you just transfer money to him so he can use his own card rather than taking yours?

Because he's overdrawn and I don't want to pay his overdraft on top of train fare.

Otherwise that would be the logical thing to do.

OP posts:

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 28/06/2020 11:32

You have had 3 months of no football to talk to him about his, which I am presuming you have. What did he say?

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 28/06/2020 11:32

On the face of it 4/5 hours once a week is not excessive as far as hobbies go (particularly cycling if the threads on here are anything to go by).

The shift work is what creates the problem during to the time he is sleeping.

If he pulls his weight otherwise I would perhaps let it slide - or suggest he has a weekend off once a month to spend as a family?

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:34

I didn't raise it, I was just relieved it was no longer on at the time.

I didn't expect it to start again just yet so I was surprised when he raised it at the end of the week.

I forgot how much i resent it, then I doubt my thinking and wonder if I'm being very unreasonable given that it's only once a week.

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 28/06/2020 11:36

I think he could really consider growing up and not going overdrawn every single month. He’s had 3 months without football or socialising to get on top of his overdraft. You’re facilitating his juvenile behaviour. Stop giving him your card. Tell him now that he’s going to have to manage his account better so he can afford to travel to football as you won’t be subbing that anymore.

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:37

Having a weekend off once a month would be a good compromise, I could definitely raise that.

He's very territorial over his hobby and when I mentioned in the past how it's very inconveniently timed he said his previous ex used to say the same and that annoyed him because "It's my downtime"

OP posts:

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:38

@Smallsteps88

You're very correct yes and I won't be doing it anymore.

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 28/06/2020 11:38

It doesn't help that I don't have a hobby that can take me out of the house all day child free.

Get one. Even if it’s just you going and sitting in a cafe drinking coffee for 5 hours.

FrenchBoule · 28/06/2020 11:38

I’d be getting very territorial about my card.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 28/06/2020 11:40

He needs to sort out his overdraft pattern. He's not a student anymore.

If he doesn't have the money, he needs to be the one inconvenienced, not you. Maybe he has to get cash out and return your card before he gets his train?

I'm hoping you get a child free weekend day to yourself too? One day each is fair, right?

Mirror2345 · 28/06/2020 11:41

Not solving the overall issue but I rarely use my actual bank card, can you not use Apple or Android pay on your mobile?

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:43

He had a holiday booked off work as we were due to go away this week which had to be cancelled but he's kept the time off work. I'll be utilising the fact he's at home to go out and do my own thing for once, child free.

But i just know that I'm going to continue feeling resentful every time Sunday comes around once he's back at work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:45

@Mirror2345

Not solving the overall issue but I rarely use my actual bank card, can you not use Apple or Android pay on your mobile?

I don't have it set up as I don't know anything about it. I have an android so I will look into that in a second. It could prove very useful.

OP posts:

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 28/06/2020 11:46

@Smallsteps88

It doesn't help that I don't have a hobby that can take me out of the house all day child free.

Get one. Even if it’s just you going and sitting in a cafe drinking coffee for 5 hours.

I agree!!!

This is the common complaint for most women where partners hobbies are concerned. I don’t have a hobby either, and wish I did.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2020 11:47

It's no go.

You need equal amounts of child free time.

Looks like he could go once a fortnight.

And not until he's no longer in overdraft, which seems pretty reasonable to expect of an adult with children when we're talking about whether there's money to pay for travel to a hobby.

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:48

It's frustrating, it's just another constant reminder of how my life has changed dramatically and his not one bit.

OP posts:

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/06/2020 11:50

If he's overdrawn already why can't he be a bit more overdrawn and use his own card? There's no way I'd bre stuck at home with the kids and no money, just in case!

TheMandalorian · 28/06/2020 11:51

Well there must be times when he is home so that you could start a hobby if you wanted to. Without knowing the ins and outs of your working patterns we can't offer suggested times.
What do you like doing? Look into evening classes (when they reopen) - craft/ skill/ book club/ exercise and book it in.
The overdraft situation needs sorting. Why is he getting overdrawn and paying more bills? Perhaps go through the budget together.

Techway · 28/06/2020 11:57

Don't inconvenience yourself by giving him the bank card. This will just add to your resentment. Let him deal with his own mess.

I think the resentment comes from knowing he can just take off without having to factor in childcare as you carry thr childcare and house responsibilities.Do you work? Does he pull his weight generally?

It is now known that men process stress differently to women, indeed all the stress analysis has been done based on mens reactions, so doing exercise is helpful. I don't think it is reasonable to stop playing football but it is worth looking at what you need. Btw, when he gets too old for playing he is likely to take up cycling!!

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 11:58

We pay 50/50 rent, I pay the phone line and broadband and he pays the council tax, electric and water. He earns more than me per month but pays slightly more maintenance than he is required to (which I obviously support him doing)

Admittedly he doesn't save money or think long term whereas I do. If after his side of bills and CM he has £300 left in his bank to last him a fortnight then he'll think nothing of buying whatever catches his eye. Usually something for the children, so well meaning but not necessary.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 12:01

He has already been talking about buying a bicycle this month, for exercise purposes but also to get him to/from football.

That will remove the stressor of the bank card problem at least.

I just hope he doesn't find be quite likes cycling and wants to do that regularly aswell

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 28/06/2020 12:02

If after his side of bills and CM he has £300 left in his bank to last him a fortnight then he'll think nothing of buying whatever catches his eye. Usually something for the children, so well meaning but not necessary.

He needs to retrain his brain. But he won’t don’t do that unless his poor spending actually inconveniences him. Currently it isn’t as you are giving him your card when he has no money left. That’s what needs to stop. You have to be prepared to be “bad guy” until he gets it.

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 12:02

I work yes, from home at the moment (which could be made easier by him not sodding off when I could do with him distracting the kids) but I'll be returning to base next week

OP posts:

Original poster

Lularoses · 28/06/2020 12:04

I need to stop making it so easy for him yes.

This is where my internal conflict comes in, and I think "well he does work hard and do alot for us, so maybe I should support his hobby"

Then I sit around with the ump on Sundays.

OP posts:

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