To feel resentful of DH hobby

[Lularoses]

DH is into playing football and they played Sunday prior to lockdown. With lockdown loosened training has now started again and I'm reminded how it gets on my nerves.

He works on a night shift and will finish at 8am, come home for a quick shower and then straight back out to football. He's then out of the house until he returns (usually between 1.30 and 2.30pm factoring in travel time depending on where they are playing)

When he gets in he will have something to eat and then go to bed at around 3:00pm, this then means he's not around at all to help with the children during the afternoon/evening and by the time he gets up I'm getting ready for bed.

A further inconvenience and one which I accept is my own doing is that he has my bank card with him so he can travel there and back, this means I can't get out to the shops until late this afternoon.

He borrows my bank card as there is usually 5-7 days at the end of the month where he's ran out of money and is waiting for his wages (he pays the larger bills so pays more than his fair share, so this reallt isn't an issue)

I agreed to him taking the card because if he wasn't able to get the train back then he would be out even longer and have to walk X amount of miles, meaning he goes to bed even later and gets up even later - leaving the entirety of the childcare to me.

Its only once a week but it interferes with mine and the children's routines and I'm now reminded once again how much I abhor Sundays in this house.

It doesn't help that I don't have a hobby that can take me out of the house all day child free.

AIBU?

and I think "well he does work hard and do alot for us, so maybe I should support his hobby"

Yes, you should support his hobby. And you do by caring for his children while he does it. He should also support his own hobby by funding it. He isn’t entitled to free hobbies just because he goes to work! He isn’t a teenager. He’s an adult. We find our own pleasures when we’re adults. You support it by providing his childcare during that time. That’s your job done. He needs to do the rest himself. And also return the favour.

I really don’t think somebody having 4-5 hours out of the house per week for a hobby is unreasonable. It’s a healthy hobby as well. If you feel it’s unfair then you would be much better to find something you want to do and do it, than force him to stop his.

The money point is a totally separate issue - whether it’s unreasonable he is in his overdraft each month is for you to know taking into account his earnings, your earnings, both of your outgoings etc. etc.

Please stop giving him your bank card! If he's so overdrawn he can't afford his train fare, then tough luck, he can stay at home or cadge a lift off a friend. You're under no obligation to pay for his hobbies.

And yes, like PP said, do something on your own. Go to a friends house for a movie night, go to the cinema, take up wine-tasting or salsa dancing or go to the gym. Take yourself out of the house and go and do something for YOU. He's a parent, he can stay home and watch his DC. It won't hurt him.

Are the DC his?

Because you say "he works hard for us and does a lot for us" but you work too.

You contribute 50% to the household financially and it seems you're contributing more than 50% to the childcare.

If they're his kids he SHOULD be doing his share willingly.

You shouldn't be grateful for the scraps of parenting he does for HIS children.

If he's played football for 2 years (for example) that's over 100 days he has left you to parent alone.

Sit down with him and plan on the calendar how you can spend your 100 days childfree; he wouldn't begrudge you that surely?

Make childfree weekends away with your mates your new hobby. Have lots of them, he owes you.

I don't think the football in itself is a problem - however I could never find anyone to meet up with at weekends when mine were little and DH was playing. So I know where you're coming from.

We have joint account we pay into & use that for house bills & food & petrol. Could you set up a joint account for household stuff & then keep a card each for your own stuff. He wouldn't need to use yours end of month?

I think people are being judgmental about the running out of money - lots of us do?!

The children are his yes, he also has a teenager from a previous relationship who we have here three days a week (not on Sundays)

I definitely do contribute more than %50 of the childcare, it has been 80/20 during lockdown.

I will be finding something I enjoy and pursuing that, it's just difficult to do given that he works nights and is either working or sleeping during the day.

I think people are being judgmental about the running out of money - lots of us do?!

And when you do, do you then expect to continue with hobbies and have other people fund them and buy totally unnecessary crap? Or do you say “oh I really need to get on top of this overdraft- no silly spending for a while”?

Another bloody selfish man who puts all of his hobbies before his own family.
What would happen if you decided to play say basketball during the hours he plays football....would he be happy to look after the kids during that time. of course not.
He would sit there fuming.
He needs to grow up.

If after his side of bills and CM he has £300 left in his bank to last him a fortnight then he'll think nothing of buying whatever catches his eye. Usually something for the children, so well meaning but not necessary.

So he has up to £300 left to last him a fortnight. Some people have that to live on for a month without an overdraft. This is ridiculous. Stop enabling him. If he has no money left, he either needs to get some help with money management or not do his hobby.

So you are left on your own Saturday nights. All day Sunday and then have his teen three of the other nights. When do you get time together? Then he thinks it's ok to take your bank card? I would also 'run out' of money to be honest- I would transfer money into a different account. He's a bit of a user.

I think people are being judgmental about the running out of money - lots of us do?!

Yes many people do but being you know, grown up, they don't expect to be bailed out so they can still go and play out with their mates like they did at 14.

If it's just once a week and it's a chance for him to exercise and see friends then I think YABU. Let him have one day of fun as long as he helps the rest of the week.

And the card thing, withdraw £20 or so pound so you have cash on that day.

He is extremely selfish. how lovely to check out of childcare because he knows you will pick up that part.
I think it's fine to have a hobby, but never at the expense of ducking out of family responsibility.
He also needs to budget better. But why would he if he knows you will be there again to pick up for him?
He has a duty to childcare regardless of how much more he earns.

I know this is just a small part of your post but, if you're happy to pay a few days travel for your DH anyway, can you buy him a travelcard instead of giving him your bankcard? Of if you live in London, transfer £10 onto his oyster card towards the end of the month?

I think people are being judgmental about the running out of money - lots of us do?!

If I run out of money, I don't expect someone else to fund my non-essential hobbies! If he overspends or doesn't earn enough to play football, then surely he doesn't get to go?

The card situation is ridiculous. Why not open another bank account, with no overdraft facility and you transfer mobey into it.

It makes sense to have more than one account. If you lose your card, or think you have, you just transfer all of the money in it to your other account.

My DD doesn't like contactless, so she has a contactless card for another account, that she uses on public transport etc. Transfering money between them.

And the card thing, withdraw £20 or so pound so you have cash on that day.

Withdraw £20 from her own account so she can give her card to someone who has spent all their own money? I think you have that backwards.

Perhaps her DH should withdraw £20 of his own money and keep it in his football bag so he has cash on that day. Revolutionary, I know!

He borrows my bank card as there is usually 5-7 days at the end of the month where he's ran out of money and is waiting for his wages (he pays the larger bills so pays more than his fair share, so this reallt isn't an issue

What do you mean by he pays more than his fair share? Is that why he runs out of money? If so, why doesn't he just pay his fair share? Wouldn't that mean he has enough money and won't have to borrow your card?

Is this the only time he does his hobby? If so 8-2 is only 6 hours per week?

In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a lot. It sounds as if you need a joint account where you both have access to a card so both can pay into the pot?

Two issues:

1. You need a proper budget encompassing all of your family outgoings and split it fairly - I prefer the ‘equal surplus’ way and think that’s the only fair way when there are children to look after.

1. Hobbies should not be at a detriment to your family. I wouldn’t have an issue with a hobby that took him out one weekend day per week as long as it was cancelled with no question for sick kids, family events etc. There is no reason you can’t have a hobby to. Or, if there is, that’s a different issue.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand couples with children not having a proper and fair budget set up. It’s bizarre.

YABU

• giving him the card
• not discussing it in the last three months (at least)
• not saying anything just coming to MN and moan!