To feel I failed by not making mum friends?

[Youreatragedystartingtohappen]

I hope I don't sound like a self pitying fool but I feel really quite sad that I don't have the "mum gang" of mates I envisioned when I found out I was pregnant.

We couldn't afford NCT and so I didn't meet people that way, I went back to work when DS was 8 months so DH could do shared parental leave. I went back full time as the higher earner and so I didn't get to carry on with the baby groups that I used during those first few months. I also didn't take to motherhood as I hoped I would and really struggled so maybe didn't use those groups as much as I should either.

Essentially I have a couple of friends who I've met but the vast majority are those I already had and who were brilliant during my pregnancy and after. AIBU to feel sad that I don't have mum friends to go for drinks with (in a post Covid world obviously!) and share stories of parenting with? Should I just be happy with those friends I already have and think maybe I'll make some when DC starts school? He has a childminder so I've not met parents that way. I'm wondering whether I should be happy that my son is happy and realise that being pregnant didn't automatically grant me a new set of friends, I think I just feel a bit disappointed when I see groups of mums in the parks with their kids not to have that myself.
Thanks!

You will definitely meet other mums when your child goes to school op. I was exactly the same as you and I have met lots, only have one good solid friend out of them but I'm grateful for her.

I agree these friends aren't all they are made out to be. Most people just want to quickly gather a group of Mum friends around them and they're not choosy about who they are, what they have in common etc and that's why they fall apart quickly. I've known people to dump their ante natal friends once their children start school and replace them with "School gate" friends. Some are like heat seeking missiles trying to form a friendship group, it's all quite false and I suspect most of it is for social media.

I've met people in all sorts of situations, you just have to be open and honest and willing to listen and willing to move on if it's not right. Life is long, if you're lucky, you will meet people. I also agree that it's better to use your energy to nurture your existing friends, they are the ones still there when "circumstance" friends have faded away.

We did 1 NCT class and quickly realised that they were not our kind of people! Instead I made friends through local playgroups, baby massage etc, one of whom has become a very close friend. I also got friendly with a mum in our village who knows everyone, and she introduced me to a lot of other local mums, so I think there’s a bit of luck involved (if that’s what you’re looking for).

DS starts school in September and I did think that’s when I might make a few more mum friends, but to be honest, I’d be doing it more for DS than myself. As someone further up thread said, you have to have more in common than just having DC the same age if it’s going to be a genuine friendship. So long as your child is happy and thriving, you certainly haven’t failed him, or yourself, by not making mum friends.
Social media is awful for compare & despair!

I loved my NCT friends and still keep in touch with occasional messages but I moved countries when DS was 4 so I had to start making friends from scratch as we knew no-one when we moved.

If you feel that you don’t have enough good friends, then make it a mission to make some new ones.

Tell yourself that when things start to open up, you will too and take yourself out of your comfort zone and join in more activities, even if you’re not sure about them. Give them at least 2-3 sessions before deciding they’re not for you. If someone invites you to join them for a coffee, say yes and give it a try.

I’ve always had lots of casual friends because I make myself go out and get involved but I’ve also moved a few times so each time, I have to start afresh. I am overweight, not particularly attractive but I make an effort to get to know people and try to ignore any feelings of inadequacy because I can’t easily change my appearance or personality.

I didn’t make mum friends until my DC started school. I found apps like Mush useless as no one actually met up despite saying they would. I did Nct but after a year or so we all moved and now are only in touch via fb.

I now have a great group of mum friends due to school but it’s taken me along while to get here. I felt very lonely for a long time when the DC were small.

Wait until your dc starts school - I didn’t have any mum friends at all apart from friends and family who also had dc the same age as mine.

When dc1 started school was when I met other mums and now have a fairly big mum friendship group.

My Mum friends are parents from DD's nursery. We swapped numbers when the kids started having 4th and 5th birthday parties and now socialise with and without the DCs. I have two Mum numbers from school and we have a WhatsApp chat about school stuff.

First time around I made some mum friends through a baby group, we did keep in contact for the first couple of years but I went back to work much sooner than them (I was self-employed on stat pay at the time) and they had some additional tenuous links such as mutual friends/lived really near each other/etc which kept them closer. I’ve found most mum friends (unless introduced via something like NCT, which isn’t really a thing locally for me anyway) usually have something else in common.
Second mat leave, I was off for longer but didn’t really click with people at baby classes this time, was always dashing off to do the preschool
pickup or had the older child with me when they were meeting up in a coffee shop which wasn’t great for a preschooler.
However I’ve found that you start to see the same people about, at soft play/preschool/park, and if I see one of the school mums at these places we’ll have a chat or be more inclined to talk at drop off as we’ve seen each other elsewhere. So it’s a slow burn, but reckon friendships will eventually develop that way over time.

I was the first one in my friendship group to have a baby, and ended up not seeing them for a while due to being tied up with the baby. When I did start meeting up again I actually appreciated it because the last thing I wanted to talk about was parenting!

I didn't do NCT because of the cost and I took the view i will learn as I go, my oh wouldn't be up for coming with me either. In my opinion it all seems a bit forced and passive aggressive competition. I've tried mush and baby groups and if you're just looking to make friends your setting yourself up to fail.

I imagine friendships will form naturally as your child goes through the stages.

NCT group was great while on maternity leave, and lots of 1st birthday parties. But all fizzled out by 18 months as our lives diverged - some were expecting 2nd child, some were trying but no luck, some didn’t want another.... the differences were suddenly more obvious and we didn’t have much in common any more.

DDs just started preschool and that’s been a bit of a game changer - wE have the school in common as well as our kids, and the kids talk about each other (and we would be doing play dates if not for current situation). Not all classes are all that friendly, but it’s an opportunity to start over. DD also does ballet on Saturdays, and all the parents wait during the lesson, so I had mums that I regularly chat with. Hopefully these will be lasting acquaintances if kids continue with hobbies.

All my mum friends I met when the kids started school.

I had mum friends- the locAl toddler groups were heavily populated by a very domineering NCT group.
I was ‘friends’ with most of them but as the dcs grew up to school age people went back to work or the die hard NCT mums became PTA mums. I didn’t make an effort to stay in touch as non of us had anything in common really. You’re not missing out. Enjoy the friends who are friends because you get on and like each other

I completely sympathise, my DS is 16 months too and I too feel like I haven't made as many mum friends as I'd hoped. We also couldn't afford to do NCT, they're so expensive! I also am guilty of comparing myself to other mums who seem to have this big support network of mum friends. Having said that, I've met a lovely mum on the Mush app who is totally my kind of person and we've met up quite a few times now, so might be worth trying that if you haven't already? I was the first of my group of friends to have a baby but happily now 2 of them are pregnant so I'll have more mum friends by proxy!

I think a lot of those friendships are superficial. It's good to have connections to people in the same situation but I think the close bunch of mum mates thing is a myth. I've got friends I've made at playgroup and at the school but it's all based around the kids. Going to soft play with the kids, talking about the kids and school events. Nothing like it is with real friends where you talk about anything and everything and have a laugh. Maybe it's just me but that's been my experience.

I made Mum friends through the NCT, and almost 17 years later 4/6 of us are still friends and regularly meet up.

But, it is only one of my friendship groups. All my friends now are mum friends. TBH, most of them I met when my child was older, at primary school and I met them through PTA, school gates and taking my child to their hobbies.

I didn't make any friends through playgroups. Found all of that really superficial and didn't really like them.

There's time yet.

Would deffo recommend the PTA especially if you're not at the school gates. That's a great way to get to know people.

Meet other Mums through other activities or hobbies if you can OP, that way you have something in common besides just being parents. That’s a much stronger basis for a longer lasting friendship

Gosh, I didn’t even consider having “mum” friends and didn’t have any desire to be friends with the school mums either, it never even crossed my mind, I had enough social circle and work full time.

Generally these groups are transient with little in common other than their kids and they drift apart easily, plus often there is some drama more often than not, with bitchyness and falling out. And don’t get me started in the pta drama,

I’d ask what is it that makes you want this? You work, have friends, what do you think you’re actually missing out on? Because honestly you are not missing out on anything,

I think antenatal groups and nct etc end up dropping friendships anyway. As often you dont live close.

Also happens when they move on to more kids or go back to work.

i also found it hard when dc started school as being summer baby she had been friends at nursery with the year below. Then started school but was exhausted and got in loads of trouble so to say me and her were unpopular is an understatement. It didnt really change even now about 4y later and in fact dc is now down to 1 friend.
Bit depressing tbh as now with covid dc2 has missed having any party to get to know other parents.
Will miss any intro to school stuff. Missed nursery last terms. And who knows about chatting to other mums in sept?!
Anyway ive lowered my expectations. Having a difficult dc is harder even than just dealing with their behaviour but the jusgement from other parents too. (Who knows if issues with antenatal group and playgroups also stem from this).
When dc1 started at least everyone was able to meet up at the parks

I remember feeling very depressed during the first year as my NCT group never really gelled and other NCT groups seemed to plan lots of activities together. It’s a hard time and normal to feel lonely and left out. However even the closer groups eventually drift apart as people return to work or move away, children attend different nurseries and schools and siblings are born. You only get thrown together because of your due date so it’s not likely you will have other things in common to build a stronger lasting friendship. I would try and find friends with common interests through hobbies, book clubs etc in your local area instead. Through my children I found it easier to meet people through school and places like Scouts when they were a bit older.

I sometimes feel like this. Had a horrible nct group so sacked them off around 8 weeks pp. We then moved whe DS was 10 months anyway.

DS is nearly 3 and has been going to nursery for nearly 2 years. Whilst there are some parents I say hello to at pick up, I am not friends with any of them, I barely know their names!

I did hope I might have made some mum friends by now but think perhaps it will change when DS starts school. I am lucky that DS has a lot of cousins a similar age so lots of playdates with family.

It all depends on luck actually - it's not your fault. I didn't do NCT but went to baby groups, playgroups etc. (hoping to do again when things reopen!) Some mums were extremely cliquey and I used to feel so bad when they left together after class for coffee and I wasn't invited! However, I kept going to get out of house and eventually started making better connections (not with cliquey mums though) There is plenty of time to make mum friends - it doesn't need to be now and most people don't really have a big circle! Playgroups, school, dance classes, football etc. Just turning up and being friendly will eventually lead to connections with other parents. Don't feel bad at all. It might seem like everyone has a big network but most don't.

You will probably speak to more people when your DC goes to school (although I will
Admit that some schools are less friendly than others).

I have a completely different experience to most on here as I have 3 at school everyone said when they start school I would make lots of friends but I don’t have a single friend from their school, haven’t met any mum friends that way. Maybe their school is just one of the unfriendly ones.

I made a few mum friends on mat leave but only kept in touch with one when we all went back to work. Since then I’ve made 3 brilliant friends when my son was at nursery from 3 onwards.

So don’t give up hope yet.

DH and I didn’t fit Into our NCT group. Very different ideas about how to spend our free time and parenting etc and it just didn’t work for us. A couple of them I will talk to every now and then but they aren’t friends at all (in fact I posted on MN after the first class saying I didn’t want to go back!)

I’ve since met wonderful friends at activities, but it took quite a while to find people I really clicked with, and who I would be friends with regardless of the children. I’m also hoping that at nursery/school I will find more like minded mothers. I’m a SAHM and I think it’s one of those things where it’s easier to be friends with other SAHM as we both have the week to fill/never get any backhanded comments about being at home etc.

None of my normal friends have children, which has made things very tough. I’m due DS2 in a week and I have had well meaning friends asking me if I would be free in a month to do a UK based holiday without the children etc 😆 can’t wait to remind them of that one!