It’s an inheritance one!

[Sadinside]

Sadly FIL died last year after a truly harrowing illness. He left DH and SIL each 40K. MIL has never really been involved with money, having always kept that as FIL’s domaine - bit old fashioned. The will was old - 20 years old. DH suggested MIL quickly got bank statements together to tot up value of savings and assets - as he was executor. The initial tot up came back as 120K. This would mean once DH and SIL were paid out - she’d have the house (worth about 300K plus 40K savings) - she’s 72 and in good health. DH asked me what I thought, and my immediate feeling was that both siblings should really hand back the will to MIL in order to give her savings and home options (she was talking about moving into a modern house). Papers were signed handing back the money to MIL. Everyone happy. Fast forward about a month, the solicitor is undertaking bank searches and unearths 200K that MIL had no idea about. Suddenly she’s a wealthy widow. No parent / child discussion about giving back the inheritance to anyone. Covid hits, DH has pay slashed, we can’t afford our mortgage and are selling up to move to a much smaller house. The inheritance would have kept our house. MIL In the meantime declares she’s staying put in the old big house. I’ve spoken to no one about this because I feel a bit ashamed of feeling pissed off at an elderly grieving lady. Ive not told DH that I feel his mum has acted a bit sneakily ...but that actually is how I feel. AIBU to feel kind of diddled? The money’s not mine, I’ve never banked on anything but I know in same position I wouldn’t do that do my own kids! Do I need to mentally let this go? We move in August and I just find myself avoiding MIL on phone, I can’t feel the same way about her having previously got on pretty well for years.

Did they have mirror wills by any chance?

Ignore the will & history. Just ask your DH if he would ask the MIL if she can help you out now. £40k gift to each of her adult kids. I've tried to read all OP's posts but not clear to me if MIL knows what straits OP & H are in.

Doesn't matter if SIL splashes her share up a wall.
Unless this thread is just about the British love of nurturing resentment and not about financial straits at all. I give up if this is angst thread about history & inability to talk directly to people.

SIL gave up her 40K too on DH’s advice

I feel so sorry for your SIL here. She took the advice of someone who themselves was in a financially precarious position and didn’t disclose the fact.

Is it a pride thing with your DH? It sounds like you didn’t have an adequate financial buffer to cover costs in the event of job losses, and the inheritance could have provided that.

As a result of your DH’s actions, and advice to your SIL, now both you and she have lost your homes.

Your DH needs to stop giving out financial advice.

Like pp, I can see OP's DH ending up with nothing at all, either because MiL remarries or SiL will get the lot.

I'm sorry but this is entirely your own fault. People's wills are legal records of their wishes. You should have kept the money because that is what the person who died wanted. Whats the point of a will if you're just going to ignore it? its disrespectful to the person who died.

I agree with this. Your FIL wanted his children to have that money, why would you give it away? Presumably he was aware of the "hidden" funds and knew that would be enough for MIL.

Why have you moved so quickly to sell your own house OP?

It was your idea to not follow the will, which was pretty daft to be honest
It would be nice if she helped you out but it’s looking unlikely
The road to hell is paved with good intentions unfortunately

That's such a shame this has happened and I understand why it was given back.

If she ever needs residential help in the future, does that have the potential to wipe out the savings and house? If so, is there any way to protect your DH and SIL inheritance?

Sorry to hear you're having to sell up. Hope everything gets better for you.

@Sadinside It would be good if you came back and cleared up your location.

All the advice here is for English law.

You posted at 4am UK time. okay maybe you were awake, or work shifts, but it also suggests you are not in the UK, in which case the advice here re legalities is useless although the 'moral dilemma' stands.

As others have said, you made what you thought was a generous decision though as a DIL it wasn't really your call and it was deeply disrespectful to the dead FIL. Theoretically, what if he and the MIL had not got on , so he wanted some of his estate to go to his children sooner rather than later? There could have been circumstances in their marriage of which you knew nothing. It was certainly an odd marriage where he had £200K stashed away unknown to her.

But as others have said, your own finances sound precarious. In 3 months you went from being solvent to unable to support yourselves and pay the mortgage. No savings, no fall back plans? No mortgage holiday? Surely the cost of moving with fees etc will set you back more than if you had hung on in there with reduced payments or a mortgage holiday? Unless you are downsizing you will have bigger debts.

Jingle
“sorry but they did alter the will because the OP said 'papers were signed'.“

That doesn’t mean they actually altered the will though. We have no idea what those papers were or who drew them up.

I agree with you: they were rash to start doing anything before probate, and without taking advice about the implications of IHT etc.

Presumably he was aware of the "hidden" funds and knew that would be enough for MIL

Exactly- I suspect he left them 40k each because he knew there was more for the MIL. If only you had trusted him and stuck with his legal wishes you wouldnt be in this mess.

@Tanfastic - they did! It was a wake up call and MIL then updated hers pronto. I’m sure one day DH and SiL might get some money - it’s just with the current crisis, would’ve been good a bit earlier maybe?

bungaloid yes technically the childrne can challenge it. If they are somehow reliant on you financially and the suriving partner gets everything without any benefit to them they can challenge it under the Provision for family and dependants act. (I can't recall the exact name). Personally I think that is a good law in some cases because you do get situaitons of people leaving spiteful wills where they cut out a family member on sometimes just plain nasty grounds. There is a legal threshold to meet and all that, but it gives someone a chance.

DH was executor for FIls will and I got really involved with helping him out as he was really grief struck. i found it fascinating!

user1493494961
There are many older couples who, if they remarry make wills that will benefit their children and not their 'new' spouse. This is very common when couples are widowed or divorced and remarry in later life. One option is to allow the remaining spouse to live in the home until they die, then the assets go to the children of whoever had the largest share, or proportionally.

A friend of my mum married a widower when she was widowed. She had the use of his home (having sold hers) for life, but when she dies the money from the sale goes to his sons.

The ceiling for IHT is pretty high these days unless there is a house involved.

I did probate for my MILs estate.

OP You are reading- are you in the UK? It matters as English law is just for England.

OP, your DH was stupid - why are you talking about your MiL being destitute etc., she didn't need an extra £80k did she, were bailiffs at the door? Your DH has directly disadvantaged his own family. Now you've gifted it back if she returns it to you as a gift there might be a tax issue with it as well.

What a mess. Just get legal advice from a new solicitor.

Dishing £40K in savings if that was all she had is peanuts when you might have 20 years of life left. It's another £2000 a year if she lives to 90.

We don't know her pension - obviously at best it will be 50% of whatever her DH had- plus some state pension, but over 20 years , a mere £40K will be eroded through inflation and she will inevitably have needed some for house repairs and so on in years to come.

£40K in savings if that was all she had is peanuts

But it wasn't all she had - there was the other 200K that was discovered later - FIL knew that was available to her. Everyone should have waited a while and not rushed into re-distributing the funds.

You all need to sit down and discuss your current situations and the future. Explain to MIL why you gave it back but that since she received more money then things are different now.

Consider asking her to put your DH and SIL on the title deeds to the house to secure this if she ever needs to move into residential care service. Conditions have to be written into this so you can't sell the house while she's in it etc. ???

This is a lesson for couples to be transparent about all their finances. How did MiL not know about the extra £200k?!

Also be careful who you choose as executor. Someone who isn't so emotionally involved would have been better in this case as OP's DH has cocked up here. I'm flabbergasted that he thought he could change the very thing he'd been entrusted to carry out.
Care home fees are only going to rise and could easily take a large chunk of her assets. You never know what's round the corner.

Always make a will, preferably with good advice from a solicitor, and make sure you've got a reliable executor!

OP you are not unreasonable to feel upset but seem (rightly) to have been on a journey while reading this thread and thinking it through.

The truth is: your father in law died of a 'truly harrowing' illness, in your words. Your MIL has been through a dreadful and will probably feel traumatised for a long time. She needs kindness and support so you need to get over these feelings asap.

I don't think you or anyone in this situation have done anything wrong, except perhaps FIL for leaving money to his children and not all to her - it is not HIS money, it is theirs. Your dh acted hastily hence the 'hidden' 200k, but I understand completely why he did so.

I wish you well and hope things improve financially, enjoy your new home x

Unfortunately you rushed into giving the money back when the sensible thing would have been to keep it but put it away in a savings account to help her later if needed. I don’t think there’s a lot you can do now sorry.

Your husband should ask for his money back. Your FIL clearly didn't want everything being swallowed up in care fees. Tell MIL your situation quickly and keep your home.